Bitterroot Valley feels like we only go backwards

He listened— and he thought maybe he understood, maybe— until Zamael mentioned returning. Shaara. The pups. That meant he knew, then; he knew everything. Alarian found himself backing away again, trembling as his brother spoke.
But you did— and after I— His breath hitched, voice catching in his throat for a moment. After he was dead, I looked for you. I— I wasn't ready. I was alone, and— and nothing has gone right since then, and now mom is dead— and those pups— and Runion is here, and I'm stuck leading this pack that hates me— Alarian's voice broke again, and he paused to try to level his breathing. He couldn't think; he almost couldn't breathe.
You're too late, Zamael. I'm broken— I can't... Something between a laugh and a sob filled the pause between his words. I can't even remember the last time I ate— or how many guys I've been with this month— He couldn't breathe now, actually. Alarian paused, chest heaving; his last thought before he met the ground was that he actually couldn't remember if he had imagined that whole ordeal with the stranger and Ulf. He'd have to check, he thought, when he got home— and then it was black.