Redhawk Caldera break me shake me

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The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: selfharm

I'll open this up in case anyone wanted to pop in / say goodbye in any capacity, Charles is now just outside the borders. If no one replies I'll just close it up <3

He waited, he knew what would happen -- knew what should happen -- knew what he deserved. He shriveled against the ground as she leaned into him, pushing him against the ground. The anticipation of the pain was so much, pressuring his mind and becoming all-consuming. It would have almost been a relief if she'd done it. If she'd been like his brothers. If she'd been like his mother.

If she'd bitten him and tore into his skin. A part of him wanted it so badly, because he knew that was how it should go. Doing bad things makes others hurt you. And pain...

No

Being hurt was the only constant in his life.

It was a comfort blanket that he hated and feared more than anything in the world, but... It was still a comfort blanket he needed.

But she didn't do it.

He wasn't even worth being hurt,
being told he was worthless,
being torn apart,
being cradled and whispered sweet heartfelt apologies to, soft shhh's in his large ears, being absolved and forgotten; this later could not ever happen without the former.

Instead, she drove fear into him and then told him to go, adding insult to injury. The coywolf wanted to fight her, wanted to be hurt, wanted what came after being hurt. He wanted it so badly, wanted to be comforted and he knew he could never get comforted without being hurt first. That was simply now the world worked. He wanted it; either to be hurt and comforted or to die if his reality turned out to be a lie altogether.

He couldn't. A coward till the end, Charles scrambled to his feet and ran, barely even registering the snapping teeth as he set off with tears pricking in the corners of his eyes, his cheeks hot and his brain feverish and full.

For so long the pain had been absent. Ever since he'd left Easthollow.

Osiris had done the same; turn his face into the dirt and tell him he was worthless. Make him worthless in the pack.

Riley had done the same; turn away from Charles, only hurting him a little, told him to leave when he should've hurt Charles more and given him comfort.

Now it happened again, from a mom of all wolves, and the absence of his painful comfort blanket made Charles feel as though he would explode.

Towards the edge of the borders, much like when he had arrived, Charles tripped over his own paws and fell the last bit, stumbling down into the dirt. His body heaved from the exertion as he walked a bit further, towards the lake west of the Caldera. Before his heart rate could slow down, Charles screamed, loud and visceral. It was hard to tell whether he was crying or angry when he threw his head against a nearby rock, his body heaving with frustrated sobs while he dug his nails into his own nose until it hurt to accompany the pounding of his head.

I need you, mommy, he whispered to himself. He hated her, he detested her and he would never return to her; but hers was the only reality he knew. Outside of her grasp, with wolves all around him who did not adhere to her rules at all -- to THE rules -- Charles felt like he was drowning in the ocean.

The only life boat he could find was the pain pounding in his head and nose from his own doing. A soft blanket that offered comfort for at least a second or two before regret set in, that proved that some things in the world are still as they should be; as she taught him they should be.