Ankyra Sound you're appealing to emotions that i simply do not have

@Midar ❤

He's spent much of his time in the Grotto, resting when he can and familiarizing himself with the shadowy system of tunnels. Today he's taken to the beach, feeling more himself and considering hunting; he knows little about coastal prey, but he's certain it can't be that difficult to kill something. Probably. He sucks in a cold breath, glancing at the overcast morning sky and trying not to think about any of the recent complications in his life. Midar, mainly.
To say things have been tense would be a criminal understatement; he wonders sometimes if his lover will leave him, and the idea sends a bolt of fear through him each time it crosses his mind. It does that often. He can't bring himself to ask, though — some part of him almost hopes that if he avoids it long enough, Midar will forget about it. He knows he's not that lucky, though. His steps slow as he draws nearer to the water, coming to a halt when he can feel the icy waves lapping at his toes. He inhales slowly, taking in the scent of the sea and thinking that maybe avoidance isn't the best approach to this particular situation...
Nah; it hasn't failed him yet.

As far as cave systems went, he had a hard time hating the grotto; it was dark and drab, just like he liked, and so he too had spent a lot of time there. That wasn't his main reason for being there, though--he felt the almost constant need to check on Alarian. He was still very angry with him for disappearing while he was sick and for jumping into a mostly frozen lake to save some meaningless stranger. Midar just couldn't figure out why the infuriating man seemed to be missing the part of his brain reserved for self-preservation. How had he made it this far? Even now when the beast would literally do anything to keep him safe, he still found ways to put himself in danger. 

When he went to seek out his lover to check on him, he couldn't find him anywhere inside the network of tunnels, but somewhere in his searching, he picked up the other man's trail and tracked him to the secluded beach. It didn't take Midar long to find him, and his jaw tightened at the sight of his front paws just beyond the edge of the water--it reminded him of the day at the lake, and he didn't need any help recalling that maddening situation. He moved through the cold sand, stopping as he came to stand next to Alarian. He had a hard time not feeling angry every time he was around the scarred male, and it was no different now. He wished there was some kind of resolution, but it was hard to think of any when his mind was so occupied with how close his lover had come to dying; that was the real reason for all of the discontent between them--Midar had been scared that day, and he one hundred percent blamed Alarian, but also he never wanted to feel that way again. It was a little frightening to feel that strongly about someone else, but the fear paled in comparison to the utter infatuation he felt for the other man.

His violet gaze scanned the line where the sea met the sky before settling on his companion's face. What? Wishing there was another stranger to throw yourself into the water for? he asked bitterly. It wasn't what he had intended to say, but the anger was overwhelming, and he just couldn't keep the thought to himself.

His ear flicks as he registers Midar's approach and he sucks in a breath, trying unsuccessfully to fight the immediate tension settling over him. He swallows, keeping his gaze trained on the water. His lover's anger is almost palpable, as it has been ever since that day with the stranger, and he's not sure he can stand it a moment longer. He shifts, ready to say something — an apology, maybe — when Midar's words cut through the air, drawing a slight wince from him.
He opens his mouth to respond, to deny the accusation — or perhaps throw one of his own, veiled thinly: maybe I would, if it meant I could get some time to myself. But nothing comes out; the words stick painfully in his throat, and after a moment he closes his mouth and takes another breath. He settles gingerly onto his haunches, taking a moment to adjust his bad leg. It sits awkwardly, even reclined and resting like this, and he can't help but wonder if the lake situation had made things worse. He swallows the thought, glancing briefly to Midar with ears flat as their conflict snaps back to the front of his mind. His gaze flits back to the ocean quickly, and all he can do is try to stifle the growing ache in his chest.

Alarian had no response apparently,  and a long silence settled between them broken only by the sound of the water and the shifting of the other man's body as he took a seat. Releasing a soft sigh, Midar followed soon after, moving into a sitting position next the scarred male. The beast honestly hadn't come here to berate him, but the fear of losing him to his own wrecklessness weighed heavy on the Melonii, and no matter how hard he tried to deal with it in a more productive way, it usually ended up coming out in snarky outbursts. 

He briefly cast the other man a sideways glance, moving his eyes back to the waves before he finally spoke. I guess I just fail to understand why you would risk your life for a complete stranger, he said a little more evenly but still with some of the rancor from before. Did he not understand how that would have felt for Midar to never have been able to find him again, or to find his lifeless body washed up on the shore of that lake? That was what really kept fueling his anger; he kept seeing his lover dead, floating in the lake, and it was more than he could handle.

The silence that falls between them only increases his anxiety, leaving space for a million thoughts to race through his mind. By the time Midar speaks, he's convinced himself that this is it; he's come here to break things off, to leave him. His lover's voice startles him a little, but the cold fear shooting through his chest quickly melts away as he listens — and he realizes several things. That he'd been wrong about the reason for Midar's anger, about his intentions here. The realization softens him; the depth of the other's feeling has yet to truly dawn on him, but as he tastes the first hints he realizes he likes it.
Yet he can't help but call to mind the reason he'd launched himself so thoughtlessly into that lake. He — His eyes find Midar, voice breaking a little, and he swallows hard. It was my fault he was in there. I scared him. He was standing there and — I coughed, and I looked up and he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't — I couldn't let him die because of me. But he did, didn't he? Alarian had left him there in the snow, half-drowned and freezing; he'd condemned him to a slower death, risking his lover's life in the process. And for what? The purity of his soul? He swallows again, looking away and fighting the urge to vomit. His next words are almost a whisper. I'm sorry.

His first word pulled the beast's troubled gaze from the water, and he stared silently into the other man's eyes. Midar watched briefly as his throat moved in response to a hard swallow. Was he nervous to answer his question? Did he know the other man, and was he trying to hide the details of whatever their relationship was? Jealous rage began to build in his chest, but then Alarian was speaking again, and although it didn't explain why he seemed nervous, it did calm Midar's jealousy some. His reason didn't make him feel any better about the situation, though. No, he said first, anger flashing in his eyes. It was his fault for being out in the middle of the lake in the first place. He would not let Alarian beat himself up over someone who didn't matter. 

The quiet apology tore at him, and he wanted to offer soothing affection, but he was still too mad to let it go yet. He couldn't get dead Alarian out of his head, and it made him reluctant to forgive him too quickly. I just-- he turned back towards the water, releasing a heavy sigh. you could have died, he finished wearily. It seemed his lover didn't have much regard for his own life, but Midar felt quite the opposite about it.

Midar's words send a small shiver down his spine, and he realizes for the first time that his lover is... well, sort of heartless. He's not very surprised, and perhaps that's the most chilling part of it; he'd expected it in a way, and the confirmation doesn't bother him as much as he knows it should. Maybe he's right anyway — what sort of idiot goes out onto a frozen lake? The thought makes him feel ugly in a way he's never experienced before.
He doesn't have long to linger on it, though. His lover's next words send a fresh wave of guilt crashing over him. He'd realized, of course, how much it would have hurt to lose Midar — but he hadn't stopped to consider the reverse, not even for a moment. He hadn't realized he was that important to him — that he could be that important to anyone at all. I'm sorry, He repeats, fighting tears now as his gaze finds Midar again. I wasn't thinking about that — but I promise I will. I'll be more careful. Another time, the words may have been said only to placate his lover, but he finds he means them here and now. He's realizing, far too slowly, that he is worth something to Midar — and he would do anything to hold onto that.

He apologized again, and Midar closed his eyes, opening them shortly after in response to Alarian's next words and turning to look at him. He searched his eyes for any signs of deceit like he would a potential enemy but saw nothing but sincerity there. He gave a stiff nod before answering, That's all I ask. In reality, that wasn't actually all he would ask of the scarred male, but it was a damn good place to start and really the most important thing for the beast. He would be much happier knowing that Alarian wasn't constantly risking his life. Many different emotions bubbled to the surface, the strongest being his need to keep the other man no matter the cost. Then, he could no longer resist the urge to comfort his lover, especially with his guilt-twisted expression. Midar leaned over and touched his forehead to Alarian's cheek--accepting his apology and hopefully showing that he was ready to move past this; he was tired of the tension between them.

Midar's acceptance seems to lift a weight off his chest. He leans into the touch, closing his eyes and falling silent for several moments. His lover's scent is soothing, a reminder that he's here and that he isn't going anywhere, at least for now. Fear surges through his chest again, and he knows it's irrational but he can't help it; the seed has been planted in his mind, and now he can't escape the thought that Midar might leave him.
He pulls away slightly and turns his head to plant a gentle kiss on his lover's muzzle, preening slowly down his jawline with gentle nips interspersed. He leans closer as he explores further down, paying special attention to the downy fur at the hollow of his throat. It's easy to lose himself in this, intoxicated by Midar's scent and consumed wholly by the emotions the other invokes in him; it's even easy to ignore the prickling discomfort at the back of his mind, the slowly-rising nausea. All that exists right now is Midar, as far as he's concerned.

Alarian leaned into him, and he could feel the strain of the past few days fall away. There was silence between them once more, but this time it wasn't heavy with unspoken conflict. The other man pulled back a little, and Midar thought he might want to say more but instead, he offered a soft kiss to his muzzle before moving his affections down his jaw to stop at the vulnerable part of his throat. Midar closed his eyes, relishing the touches from his lover. It seemed talking was not what the scarred male wanted to do right now, and the beast was happy to oblige. He was eager to forget the disharmony that had developed between them. But as usual, his brain was set on torturing him and picked that time to flash to an image of his lover's lifeless form, forcing his eyes open as a harsh exhale left his nose. Midar was desperate to get the painful image out of his head. Seeking control of the situation, he firmly nipped the side of his lovers neck, urging Alarian to give the beast the only thing that could soothe his torment--him.

He sighs softly into Midar's fur, finding it easy to stifle the nagging murmur at the back of his mind that says he will regret this. The nip draws a faint gasp from him, simultaneously sending another shiver down his spine; this time, though, the feeling is completely different. A soft, breathless whine slips through slightly-parted lips as he presses closer still, relaxing fully and angling his head slightly to allow his lover better access. His skin feels aflame in each place the swarthy man touches him, and somehow he feels both fogged and more clear of mind than he's ever been.
He's hyper-aware of each breath, each small movement, each burning point of contact; yet he feels almost drunk on the sensations, trembling as he leans into his lover with racing heart and sluggish thoughts. He's aware of little else, too focused on the way Midar feels pressed against him, the warmth of his midnight fur and the smooth ripple of muscle underneath. He could stay like this forever, he's certain. The world could fall away around them and he would still only have eyes for the man beside him. The realization is almost uncomfortable, but he files it away for now; there will be plenty of time to figure out what it all means later (not that he will).

Some of his mental anguished was subdued as Alarian pressed further into him, his closeness sending a much needed wave of calmness over his tense body. When the other man lifted his head, offering Midar a vantage point to what was quickly becoming his favorite spot, he wasted no time seizing the opportunity to trail a mixture of soft nips and licks down his lover's neck. The beast stopped his descent at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, taking a few moments to inhale deeply and let the comforting scent settle in his lungs before running through his veins to further ease his torment. 

He felt the scarred male tremble against him, and the beast had to swallow against the tightening of his stomach. He was about to explode from anticipation, but somewhere deep inside, he found a tiny thread of restraint, willing himself to spend some more time moving his muzzle through the fur under his lover's jaw. Midar stopped when his nose found the soft hair at the base of Alarian's ear, and he lingered there for a minute, offering soft licks before pulling back a little and applying more gentle swipes of his tongue to the top of his lover's head. He wasn't sure he could hold back anymore at this point, his need making his heart rate quicken against his rib cage as harsh breaths rushed from his nose. His control finally snapped under the weight of his desperate wanting, and Midar moved away just enough to softly nudge his lover to turn so that he could finally push away the visions of Alarian dead and most importantly, forget about all of the emotional turmoil that had been between them since that day at the lake.

He can't help the soft noises escaping him under Midar's gentle ministrations, ears flushing further with embarrassed heat at each small gasp and whimper that slips from him. Underneath the desire clouding his mind like thick winter fog, there is a brewing tension; something ugly and out of place here, something that threatens to swallow him whole. Anxiety prickles at the edges of his thoughts, begging him to listen to the feeling and stop now. He doesn't, of course.
Instead he turns with a low, throaty whine at his lover's prompting, glancing back over his shoulder with vulnerability written into his features. I need you, He murmurs, lying — but it's a necessary lie, isn't it? Some part of him knows this isn't what he wants, nor what he needs; but it's what Midar wants, and that may as well be the same thing. At least, that's what he tells himself.

Mature Content Warning

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The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: sex/rape

The sounds coming from his lover were enough to drive the beast crazy, so to see that look on his face as he glanced at Midar over his shoulder was almost too much. The words were like a plea, and he could no sooner deny the scarred male what he wanted (or thought he wanted) than deny himself the oxygen he needed to live. Had Midar known what he actually felt, he would have stopped, but he was not a mind reader, and he had no reason to doubt Alarian, so he moved on top of him, careful to hold back most of his weight so as not to burden his lover's bad leg. His muzzle moved softly through the fur at the back of the other man's neck, teeth grazing his skin before taking his scruff between his jaws in a firm but gentle hold. By now, there was little he knew better than the way Alarian's body fit against his, and it showed in the way he pushed inside his lover without any searching, finally giving them both what they needed.

Even through the hazy mix of desire and revulsion blanketed over him, he appreciates his lover's mindfulness, and unexpected warmth pricks at his eyes as he considers the gentle way Midar arranges himself atop him. He focuses on that, rather than the act to follow; he focuses on the emotion swelling in his chest, the thrill of Midar's warmth against him, the oddly comforting feeling of his weight over him. Midar, He gasps, arching a little when their bodies finally meet and closing his eyes against the flood of conflicting emotion washing over him. The familiar euphoria of such intimate closeness is muted now by something foreign: a feeling best described as intense disgust mixed with a profound sense of hurt. Betrayal, almost. He can think of no explanation for the feeling, and in the heat of the moment he does not want to try, so he stifles it; there are better things to occupy his mind right now anyway.

That one word--his name breathed by Alarian as he connected them was intoxicating. In these moments when they were one, he thought of nothing else. There was no amnesia, no thoughts of his lover dying, no enemies, no confusing memories; it was just the two of them and his building release as his thrusts got faster and more unrestrained. Even in the deepest part of his passion, he made sure to be constantly aware of his hold, careful not to tighten his grip too much in the heat of the moment. Finally, his pleasure peaked and with one final thrust, he erupted, the intensity of the feeling forcing his eyes closed as a low grunt vibrated from his chest.  

He gently parted from his lover, collapsing next to him with panting breaths. The beast glanced up at the scarred male then, eyes heavy with contentment and tenderness as Midar waited for him to fold his body into the curve of his own.

He finds his own release only moments after Midar's, whining softly as it ripples through him. With release comes an unexpected rawness, as if his chest has suddenly been stripped of flesh. A shaky gasp slips from him as his lover withdraws. Oh, he thinks tiredly as blood-red hurt blooms deep in his chest, oh no. The pain is immediate and crippling, a crushing melancholy like a gushing wound at the center of his soul. He swallows hard, sucking in another shaking breath and staring into the sand with a hollow gaze.
The nausea comes first, acrid burning bile forcing its way up his throat as he struggles to swallow the feeling. His breath quickens, and tears follow shortly, hot and stinging and entirely unwanted. No, no, no, he thinks, overcome by an icy bolt of fear at the display. Not in front of Midar; not right after that. The first sob rips through him, a ragged, broken sound that startles him and seems to drain the last of his energy. He can't fight this — this awful feeling, whatever it is. He takes single step and collapses against his lover, sobbing anew. He'd only wanted to please Midar, to feel wanted, maybe even loved — but instead he feels used and disgusting, and he has none but himself to blame.

When Alarian didn't come to him at first, concern crossed the beast's face. He watched the other man as he stood there staring in to the sand, and he began to grow worried. Midar was studying the side of his lover's face so intently then that he saw the moment the tears started--noticed his quick breaths. He was about to stand, his mouth opening to ask what was wrong, but then the scarred male collapsed into him, sobbing. At first he was so stunned and confused that he was frozen. What was going on? Had he done something to hurt him? He thought back on their love making, going through each detail to search for a reason for his lover's despair, but he found nothing obvious. A soft whine moved from his lungs, and he draped whatever he could of himself over the other man as he cried; he didn't know what else to do. He wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he wasn't sure Alarian could answer right now, so instead, he just held him and waited for his lover to calm, dread settling in his chest where his contentment had been moment before.

He fights a losing battle for control over himself and his emotions even as he tucks himself into Midar's embrace and buries his face in his fur. I-I'm sorry, He manages between sobs, voice muffled and broken. I don't know why — For some reason he can't bring himself to finish the sentence. His throat suddenly feels too tight for words, so he only presses closer to his lover, trying to steady his breathing. It feels like an eternity passes before his tears subside, though it must only be a few minutes; eventually, exhaustion slows the flood of emotion, and he slowly begins to calm. The rawness in his chest lingers, but he takes comfort in Midar's embrace. Ironically, he's never been more grateful for his lover than he is now.

Emotions were not always easy for the beast, but there was no denying how painful it was to witness his lover fall apart and not be able to really do anything about it. The words sobbed into his coat did little to ease his confusion, but it mattered little.The reason for his despair was unimportant right now; Midar just wanted it to stop. It's okay, he rumbled softly, attempting to quiet Alarian's turmoil. He kept himself wrapped around the scarred male, feeling as he finally started to calm. Everything in him wanted to ask the other man what was going on now that the crying had stopped, but he kept his questions to himself, afraid of upsetting Alarian again. So instead, he just softly licked his lover's tear-damp cheek as a low whine leaked from the beast's chest.

There's something therapeutic about having someone to lean into as he crumbles; someone to tell him that it's okay. Hearing it from Midar especially, he starts to feel more like it is okay. He returns his lover's soft whine, pulse calming as his breathing slows into a more steady rhythm. It's awhile before he feels the urge to speak again, but eventually a single thought bubbles to the surface; something he hadn't thought to express before. And maybe it's too soon to know yet, or maybe it's too soon to say it even if he does know, but right now he can't bring himself to care.
I love you, He murmurs into Midar's fur, voice so soft it could easily be missed. It doesn't need to be heard anyway; he just needs to say it.

Except for a reciprocal whine, Midar didn't hear any sound from the other man for some time. What he did hear was such a surprise that he wasn't sure what to say at first. Selfishly, his first thought was that he liked hearing those words from Alarian because it meant he was less likely to go anywhere. But, he had realized something at some point since the day he saved his lover from the lake, and it was that he felt the same way. Seeing Alarian almost die right in front of him had not only infuriated him, but it had also made him realize just how intense his feelings were for the scarred male. I-- he started, pausing briefly to swallow in response to the intense emotion. --me too, Midar finished, shoulders dropping as he released a long exhale. His love was different, unhealthy probably, but it was there, and the beast saw no reason to keep it a secret.