Redsand Canyon I could let you have it

for @Aquene

Every single muscle in his body ached in a way he had never felt before. Kallik regretted not taking a break or drinking water during the hours of his punishment. Maybe he wouldn't be quite as miserable now. He had tried to lay in the snow, but it didn't provide much relief. The thought that he deserved it intruded into his mind and had shame swelling in his chest. 

The auxillary had finally dropped down next to a large lake in an oasis-like area within the canyon. In the winter it was barren, but it would likely look much greener come spring. He was resigned to the fact that he would just have to suffer for a few days until the soreness subsided; he had surely dealt with much worse.

Though slow, the stores were coming together slowly. She had managed to find more herbs than she thought that she was going to be able to with the winter cold, but it just showed the resilience of the plants both in the canyon and nearby as well. She was carrying the latest batch of prairie crocus she managed to find in an isolated segment when she saw the auxilia who had originally escorted her and Ruenna into the canyon on her original trek.
 
He looked like shit. That was her professional, medical assessment.
 
She moved over, setting the herbs down as she tilted her head at him. “You look like you’ve seen better days, Mr..?” She trailed off because she had never gotten an actual name from him before, only his title which she was realizing was a common place here. “What is bothering you? Perhaps I could help.” She had many a poultice or herb for different ailments, though not quite much of each.

The plebian would find him to be far more grumpy than usual, and at first it was difficult for him to contain it. He lifted his head and stared at her but said nothing. Then he dropped it again, pointedly ignoring her. He did not want to be bothered; he only wanted to be left to suffer in peace. 

But she wanted to help, and something in him felt as though he should let her. Maybe it was the advice the imperator had given him to seek her out if his pain lingered. The auxillary sighed and lifted his head again. Kallik, he finally offered. 

His shrewd gaze studied her for a moment before he added: Can you help muscle soreness? Maybe she could give him some relief.

She raised a brow as he ignored her, and she was content to turn away and continue on with her herbs. She even started to do so before he sighed and lifted his head, introducing himself as Kallik. Finally, a name to the overly grumpy face. He was studying her, she was painfully aware of it as she waited for him to offer some kind of explanation as to what had made his disposition so sour.
 
Muscle soreness. She nodded first before speaking. “I have a poultice that can help the muscles relax, making the soreness fade faster, and some herbs to help with the pain until it has time to take effect.” She offered. She had wondered what had gotten him so tense, but there was a part of her that was too hesitant to ask. Normally she would ask how a patient received their injury or ailment, but she was new here.

My soreness is everywhere, he explained. He knew very little about healing, but he didn't think she could cover his entire body with a poultice. I was made to push a very large boulder from one area to another as punishment. It took hours and I stupidly did not stop for a break. It was the most he had spoken to anyone other than the imperator since he had been here. It surprised him, although he kept the feeling from his face. So everything hurts, he reiterated. 

I was going to just deal with it, but the imperator told me to find you if it persisted and well, here you are. His words were gruff and relayed none of the emotion he felt inside. The auxillary trusted her with his words and his wounds, but nothing else—not yet.

Everywhere? Just what had he done to his body? She did not have to wait long to find out as he explained that he had been punished and pushed through his punishment rather than stopping and resting as to not bring himself to injury. She clicked her tongue for a moment before she tipped her head to the side. “Yes, after something like that, I imagine most wolves would hurt everywhere… still, there are things I can do.” She could not, indeed, cover his entire body in a poultice, but she could use the poultice to target where it hurt the most and then give him something else for the general pain and oversee to make sure that he got proper rest.
 
He had put his body through quite enough, and now it was time for him to take a break. She hummed softly in acknowledgement of his words. Germanicus had told him to seek her out and he hadn’t had the intention. It was, perhaps, a good thing she had stumbled across him. “If I can trouble you to moving just a little more, towards the den where I keep my stores, I can help and offer you a place sheltered from the wind to help sleep it off.” It was her job, after all, to oversee everyone’s wellbeing, even if they had a dour disposition like Kallik seemed to. “You don’t much care for others or their help, do you?” She had noticed it as well when he had escorted Ruenna and herself through the canyon when she had first arrived. He had seemed as similarly dour then as well.

He was curious about just what she could do for him and at this point, he was desperate for relief. He wasn't sure what he had been thinking when he decided to just push through this on his own. It was his most stubborn coping mechanism and it typically outweighed any logic. He nodded but said nothing. 

When she asked him if he was able to move, he nodded again. This time, he could not keep the pained look from his face as he slowly pushed himself to his feet. But just as his coping was stubborn so was he, and he pushed himself to move, though it made the soldier even more grumpy than before. The prospect of somewhere warm to rest leveled him out some. He didn't really have a den of his own; he always just slept wherever he was when he was tired. 

Her observation made him tense a little and the move made pain shoot through his shoulders; his face momentarily scrunched as he waited for it to subside. No, not really, he didn't bother to hide how the question had vexed him—perhaps it was more the pain than the question, but he was terrible at realizing those things. After a moment he added: Relying on others has only brought me pain. His tone was softer, sad even. But he didn't elaborate any further, nor would he.

Without any words, offering just a nod in response, he followed along. She could tell he wasn’t particularly thrilled but it was easier than having to run back and forth with each item for him to take and the wind in the canyon could get harsh at times. It was better for him to be out of it with the hell he had put his muscles through. She could see the pain on his features, and knew at that moment the general pain reliever would need to be first before she even thought about grinding up a poultice to apply.
 
Upon arrival, she motioned with her maw towards a pelt laid out on the floor of her herbal den, intent to be the place in which she treated patients though she only had one. In the coming weeks she would stock up more that could be used to isolate body heat in the case of hypothermia though thankfully it was not needed now. “I know the feeling.” She half-murmured at his thoughts. She had relied greatly on her mother’s guidance and look where it had gotten her. Her mother was dead and all that was left was a hole… it was different, she was certain, but similar enough for her.
 
She pulled needles from a scrub pine, carefully bringing them over to him. “You’re going to want to chew on these. The needles have properties that when chewed, will relieve some of your pain. I can apply a poultice of prairie crocus to where it hurts the most to help relieve muscle pain and then some sleep out of the cold and wind will do you some good as well.” She instructed, falling easily into the medic mindset that she often craved to escape thinking about herself.

Kallik collapsed onto the fur when she motioned towards it. The walk here had taken more out of him than he wanted to acknowledge. His eyes searched her face curiously when she hinted to a past that may be similar to his. Of course others had suffered, but he often got caught up in his own shit. Her words softened him to her a little, along with the pain relief she offered.

She moved around the den and came back with something that looked like the pine needles he often saw on the ground outside the canyon. Aquene instructed him to chew on them. The auxillary sniffed them a few times before finally taking some in his mouth. The taste was terrible but he chewed anyway. She told him of a poultice and then suggested he rest here; Kallik nodded to both. It did feel much more comfortable in here. He had forgotten what it felt like to sleep in a den. My shoulders, he said after a moment, the words muffled by the needles still in his mouth. They hurt the most. He wondered how long it would take to feel the effects of these plants.

Aquene schooled her expression. She did not speak of it often, certainly not with patients. It had been awhile since she had friends whom she could talk about her life with… most of which she abandoned when she had left the trail. The circumstances hadn’t been fair, but there she was. She had dealt with it, and an opportunity to do something else with her skills had presented itself when she had stumbled upon Ruenna and the Matrona had given her a chance to do something worthwhile again.
 
He chewed obediently and she was relieved he did not fight it or spit it out. She never claimed they would taste the greatest, but they did help relieve pain. She’d been taught it and seen that time and time again. Once the summer rose, she might even be able to find poppy seeds, though she only used those for extreme cases of pain. They could be addictive and that was the last thing a newfound pack needed.
 
"It makes sense. Your shoulders would have bore most of the weight of the boulder while you moved." He confirmed it was his shoulders and she nodded, fetching the prairie crocus and some moss she had been lucky enough to find just outside of the canyon. It seemed like much of her good fortunes in Mereo had been luck. Luck that some of these herbs had found places to cling to life and luck that she had stumbled upon them. She ground the plant up with her paws into the moss. The moss would keep it in place on his shoulders as long as he didn’t move too much. Somehow she didn’t see that being a problem with him.
 
She carefully placed one small swatch of moss across his shoulders on either side. “It will take time to take effect, but it will relax the muscles and ease the inflammation your punishment no doubt caused.” She explained to him; she was always careful to explain exactly what she was doing to patients as she did it.

He was quiet as she explained why his shoulders hurt the most and remained that way as she started to work. He watched intently as she carefully ground the plant into the moss. He was unsure why that was needed, but she had explained everything else so far, and he assumed she would do the same with this. He could tell she was experienced even though he knew nothing about medicine. It showed in the way she explained things so that he could understand, as well as in her careful movements as she worked; it was somewhat mesmerizing to watch, which helped take his mind off of his pain—that or the pine needles were starting to work; he wasn't sure if had been long enough. 

Then she was beside him, gently placing the moss across his aching shoulders. Her scent was delicate and earthy, like the herbs she worked with. The auxillary's eyes never stopped watching, and they lifted to meet hers when she was done. Thank you, he offered. He knew he was rough around the edges and cold towards most, but that hadn't stopped her from helping him. He didn't know how to feel about it other than he didn't want her to leave yet. Her presence was soothing. Will you stay for a little bit? he asked. She had every reason to tell him no after how rude he had been, and would not hold it against her if she did.

She worked diligently and didn’t notice him watching. When she was working, it was easy for her to lose herself in her own mind, her own world. She explained further as she placed across his shoulders. “The moss is to help keep it in place and apply pressure to give the medical properties of the crocus time to set in.” She realized in that moment she had never explained the purpose of the moss like she had everything else, and was quick to rectify the situation. She was getting ready to leave, to either replace the herbs she had just used or to venture looking for something else… anything to give him some peace and quiet when his request reached her ears.
 
She was shocked, truly, though she quickly schooled her expression once more, humming softly with a nod. “Of course.” If a patient asked her to stay, then she would stay. It would let her keep an eye on his pain level as well, which would not hurt given that overexertion could cause muscle damage. She was fairly certain it was just exhaustion and aching, but time would let her know for sure if that was the case. There was a part of her that wanted to ask what he had done to earn a punishment, but that was neither proper bedside manner nor any of her business.

She agreed to stay, and he relaxed further. Thank you, he told her again. Maybe it was his punishment or his pain or the fact that he had not shared a real conversation with anyone is some time, but he suddenly felt anxious about being alone with his thoughts; it was weird considering being alone was what he wanted most of the time. 

He could feel the medicine taking effect now and he released a soft sigh. The auxillary rested his head on his paws and glanced over at the medic. Where did you learn your trade? he asked after a moment of quiet. Her knowledge seemed vast; he now understood her purpose here. A soldier's life came with injuries, and they needed someone skilled to tend to them.

He thanked her and she smiled softly to him in turn, settling down on a pelt just across from him, taking the time to rest her weary paws that had been running around with some level of fervor all day. It was best for her to keep herself busy, especially with the time of the year that she knew would soon fall upon her. Letting her mind stray would only bring her problems.
 
The question came and there was a hint of sadness in her eyes when she answered. “I learned from my mother.” She supposed a bit more background might help as well, though she paused for a moment before explaining more. “The pack I was born into… women became healers or Shamans as we called them, and men fought… it was just the way of things. My mother was the equivalent of the Matrona. We called her Mater Medice. She was responsible for teaching all of us, particularly me because I was expected to take her place.” She had been the eldest child to survive. She’d lost her older brothers to war, and she was the oldest girl… when her mother had passed, she was supposed to step up alongside the cruel and brutish warmonger her father had arranged for her to marry ‘for the good of the pack’. She chose her different path.

She had learned from her mother. Just the mention of a mother dug up some long buried memories of his own, ones he quickly buried again. He preferred to talk about the medic. Aquene had settled on another hide. He could see how tired she was from her work. 

It sounded like she had an important destiny; he wondered what would have made her leave that behind and come here. He considered, for a moment, not asking her anymore about it, but then his curiosity won out. But you are here, Kallik pointed out. Why is that? he asked. Half a second later, he added: If you want to tell me; you do not have to. The auxillary knew well what it meant to have a past better left in the past; it was how he dealt with anything too painful. So far, it had worked well for him, or that's what he had convinced himself to believe.

There was a part of Aquene that expected the question, truly… but it didn’t prevent her from tensing for a moment before letting her eyes close and forcing the tension to fade out of her shoulders. “I am here… I was wandering on my own for quite some time when the Lady Ruenna found me… she gave me a test of sorts, not that I knew it of the time. It was that test that led to her leading me to the valley, that day you escorted us into the canyon.” It had been a quiz on her medical knowledge which she had passed. Her mother had trained her well.
 
“No, it’s okay. I came to terms with it some time ago… I left home under… complicated circumstances. My mother passed due to an illness we could not treat. By the time she sat down and let us even try she was too far gone… my father felt I had failed, but his lack of a living mate meant he was to step down. I was the oldest. My older brothers had passed in war… to become Mater Medice, I needed an Imperatore, the equivalent of an Imperator… the man my father chose was cruel and I was not willing to subject myself to a life under his paw.” It used to hurt, and in many ways it felt like her father had simply sold her but she knew it was more complicated than that. “He was brutish, cruel… a warmonger in many ways. I did not see the pack lasting longer under his reign, nor myself.” It had been a matter of survival, and self-preservation. “And it led me here… but here is different… It’s more… balanced? I’ve honestly been trying to figure it out, but it’s good and I feel like my skills aren’t used as needlessly like they were at home.” She paused for a brief moment, shifting lightly from side to side. "If you don't mind me asking... what were you punished so harshly for?" It had clearly taken quite the toll on his body.

The medic opened up more than he had anticipated, not that he minded; he was in awe of it actually. He could never be that honest about his past, especially with someone he didn't know very well. She told him of her mother and how she had died and how her father had sold her into a marriage to a terrible man—that had him clenching his jaw. He didn't know her very well yet, but still, he could see her kindness; he knew she didn't deserve that.

He understood why she had to leave, and now Mereo had gained a highly skilled healer. But he felt for her. His icy walls melted some. I'm sorry, he offered. About your mother. Mine died when I was very young, so I can understand on some level. Her loss seemed more devastating, considering she had actually grown up to know her mom, but in the end, they had both been robbed of a parent.

Now it was the auxillary's turn to be honest. Aquene asked what had earned him a punishment. He was ashamed of it, and he didn't want to tell her, but neither did he want to lie after she had been so open about her past. Um, well— He paused as he searched for the words. I broke the rules. While I was away from the canyon, I was with a woman. It's possible that she could be pregnant now, although she was gone before I knew anything about her. It sounded even worse to put it all into words. The imperator does not allow children to be born to the auxillia outside of marriage. He couldn't look at her as he went down his familiar spiral of shame. So he punished me to teach me self control. It might seem harsh to some, but Kallik had learned his lesson. I have no intention of breaking the rules again.

It was truly her bedside manner that made her so comfortable around those she did not know well. She found it so much easier to treat when she could distract with conversation, and so often personal topics arose… not that she had the opportunity to utilize that methods while she had been on her own. Her mother had encouraged talking and being open. It established a sense of trust and companionship. It was what she would always say. She noticed the way he clenched his jaw at the news and it had her casting her gaze away for a moment…
 
And then she was receiving an apology, her head tilting to the side before he continued and explained. “I am sorry as well. The loss of a parent, especially a mother… it’s not easy. I would not wish that pain or experience on anyone.” It did not matter if he had lost his mother very young or not, if he even remembered memories of her… it meant that he had not had her as a guide. She had been thankful to have her mother through her first year of life…
 
She could see the confliction and thought on his face before he tried to find the words. She listened and hummed softly. She had been used to hearing such things; she recalled her father’s punishments and was thankful that Germanicus was not that severe. “Mistakes happen…” It was all she could seem to offer. “My father had similar rules… I am familiar with these kinds of punishments.” Though there was no scarring so that spoke a great measure to the fairness of the Imperator. “There are times where the season gets to wolves… you’re young and lost a guiding figure so young… it seems natural regardless of how many rules were put in place.” Her mother had prepared her for this; he had already expressed his mother had died when he was young. It didn’t seem like he had that guidance.

Something they could both agree on: no one should have to suffer the death of a parent so young. It had broken something within him, and he didn't think it could ever be repaired. He wondered if she felt the same way. He didn't sense the same anger in her that lived inside him. It could be that she hid it better than he did, but he had a hard time believing that. Maybe she was just stronger than he was. 

Again, she was kinder than he deserved. She tried to make him feel better about his mistake, taking some of the blame off of him and attributing his mess up to the fact that he had not had anyone to tell him of these things. She was correct, and he had said something similar to the imperator; none of that soothed the knot of shame that only seemed to grow and tighten in his chest. It is kind of you to say that, the auxillary told her, his expression pained. I do not deserve it. He had been rude to her more than once, and he had messed up in a way that could put a strain on Mereo. He should have known better. Like Germanicus had said: or it could be taken as the high expectation i have of your understanding, to the point where i feel you should know these things—the words would not leave his head. They intruded into his thoughts to remind him of how foolish he had been.

She was certain most would agree that losing a parent so early was a way that the world could be cruel. She had forced herself to let that anger go the more she wandered. When she left home for the first time she had been angry, and she had felt betrayed by a father who was supposed to love and protect her… but what good did it do to dwell on the past? It took too much effort to go on being angry. Letting go and moving on was truly the best way to get back at her father for his decisions.
 
Her eyes softened lightly, a slight frown on her features as he insisted he did not deserve kindness. “Everyone deserves a little kindness.” She defended lightly. Compassion was in her nature, though it did not make her weak. It was a complicated balance of knowing her worth and knowing that others also had a worth that she weighed every day. “Everyone has their own demons, their own struggles, and everyone goes through their own personal hell. I wouldn’t be much of a healer if I could not show compassion and kindness to those who are struggling. Small acts of kindness is what got me through my own.” It had been the way one of her friends had helped her sneak past the sentries knowing what punishment she might endure that had led to her inevitable freedom.

Kallik could say with absolute certainty that kindness never had anything to do with his surviving life on his own. In fact, he had learned early that to rely on kindness was to tempt death. It was why it was such a foreign concept to him now and why he had so much trouble believing the compassionate healer when she tried to assure him that he did deserve it. 

He was beginning to see that he was not the only one who suffered. He would have noticed it sooner had he not been so concerned with his own story. Her words made him realize that he needed to show some kindness of his own. Whether or not the realization would follow him out of here, he didn't know. It was easy to fall back behind his icy walls when faced with the familiar routines of his life as a soldier. 

I will try to remember that, the auxillary told her after a thoughtful silence. I was alone for a long time, so these things are not always easy for me. When his only concern had been survival, it helped him to be antisocial; it was hard to break away from that mindset.

Walking the life she had, she’d had to learn the balance between accepting and giving kindness, and not relying on it or taking shit from those who might abuse it. It was a delicate practice, and one that had taken her quite some time to figure out herself. She had faith that with time, others like Kallik could learn it too. Perhaps all that was needed was a little guidance. Trying to remember that lesson was all she could really ask for, not that she truly felt she had a right to ask for anything from him. He was doing his job and she was doing hers. The manner in which they took to get those done were sometimes… necessary.
 
“I know the feeling… I was on my own for half a year before I was found by the Matrona… I’d had the good graces of being grown and taught before then.” He had already made it clear that he had not been taught a great deal of things. “If you ever have any questions, I’d be more than willing to answer them to the best of my ability.” It was not an offer she made lightly with how busy she was ensuring a proper healer’s alcove was fully stocked and ready for patients, but one she made nonetheless. “It takes time to adjust back to society and conversation… I spent so much of my time alone talking to myself that when I’d do so around other wolves, they would look at me like I was crazy.” She hoped the anecdote helped him connect more with her.

Yet another similarity in their pasts. It made him wonder how she had become so caring and skilled while he was a ball of muscle, anger, and self loathing. The age at which they were alone probably had something to do with it. And the fact that even before he was on his own, he had suffered the violent loss of his mother didn't help. Still, he couldn't help but feel inadequate in her presence. She radiated warm, peaceful energy, and his energy was probably quite the opposite. 

She offered her time if he ever had questions, another kindness he didn't deserve. I appreciate that, he answered. He may not feel he deserved her time, but he certainly wouldn't turn the offer down. 

A smile threatened to play on his face ad she told him of how she liked to talk to herself but most of the humor remained only in the softening of his gaze. 

Let me do something for you in return, he added. It was the only way he would not feel like a complete piece of shit. I could escort you to get herbs outside of the canyon or spar with you or anything else you want. She had more than earned it.

Aquene had been raised with a holistic view of medicine. It was not just the body that needed healing sometimes, but the mind of the soul. All Shaman in her birth pack had been taught this, especially when tending to soldiers coming from traumatic situations. Kallik’s energy was conflicted and chaotic and she was no stranger to it. Perhaps there were ways to help him find peace yet… a conflicted soldier had many blocks in their path, especially in combat…
 
She smiled warmly as he didn’t outright reject her offer. She had prepared for the answers he could have given, a no, a yes, and a maybe. Her gaze softened when he insisted on doing something for her in return. It really was not necessary. She had grown accustomed to this way of life, of treating patients solely for the feeling of treating patients, and making friends solely so she could have friends… but his offer was a kind one, and one that she would no doubt need in the coming weeks as she travelled more for herbs.
 
Little did she know, in the coming weeks she would also be seeking our sparring partners in the auxilia per Germanicus’ request.
 
“You’ve got yourself a deal.” She offered with a wide grin. “Soon I’ll have to venture beyond the canyon for herb collection… I’m not sure about sparring though learning how to defend myself… it doesn’t sound unappealing. It’s one of the things I resent my father for never teaching me.” She admitted with perhaps more information than she should have. “For now, though, Kallik, you should rest… rest will help your body heal just as much as my herbs have.”

His eyes watched the grin spread across her face—how it lit up her expression and somehow made the brown of her gaze seem deeper. He felt she deserved to always look that way. 

She agreed to let him repay her, though she didn't seem to know yet in which way she would prefer. Kallik dipped his head. The choice is yours, he told her. He knew she would find him when she was ready. He also knew he wouldn't be up for either for a few days. 

The healer instructed him to rest, and he would not argue. Partly because she knew more about healing than he did, and partly because he was growing very tired now that his pain was managed and he was able to relax. I will rest, the auxillary promised her. He settled his head on his paws and released a long, contented sigh. It wouldn't be much longer before his eyes drifted shut.