Kintla Flatlands i can't make her real

305 Posts
Ooc — Twin
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i suddenly had the muse for a post like this because i love to hurt LOL no pressure to acknowledge this, up to u whether it actually gets delivered <33


it has been moons since i last saw your face, and many more since we had a real conversation. so, i figured; why not now, while i am thousands of cubits from you and must send someone to deliver my words to you since i am much too cowardly to cannot speak to your face? i do not even know if i will find it within me to send this to you. but if i do, i imagine you are laughing as you hear this, and i must say it is a lovely image.
the search thus far has yielded very little in the way of results; in any department. the wolves out here are primitive and have no interest in anything we have to offer. it is like speaking to a wall. i suppose i am doing the same thing now, though, and only pretending it is you. i think we will return to the palace much sooner than originally planned.
but that is not really why i write to you, and i think you and i both know this.
being here with priest senmut and his... friends... has made me remember something: and that something is that i have taken you and your presence for granted. i never really apologized to you for what happened between us. i think after all this time i have been so scared.
i never wanted to frighten you, eset. i never wanted to take advantage of you.  i do not expect you to forgive me, even after all this time. and i-- i know it is not me that you want, i know it is not me that you would ever want. i am trying to learn to live with that. i think i am doomed to forever chase, like a cat and a mouse. always wanting more, always seeking, always going where i do not belong, always-- too much.
but the truth is that i am horribly lonely, ya amar, and i miss your company. i miss your charm, your wit, your natural beauty and the way that you carry yourself with such confidence. i know that you do not believe i am right to have this fondness for you. sometimes i wish you could see yourself through my eyes, but perhaps most of all, i wish that i could rid you of the burden of knowing that there is a woman sitting at the side of the royals and hopelessly dreaming of you. i am sorry that you must live with this, i am sorry that i cannot let you go.
i hope, one day, to be your friend, even if nothing else will ever come of it. i hope if you ever do marry that they love you dearly. and if nothing else, i hope one day you will be able to peacefully forget my face and my memory, and that it does not forever bring you pain.

with love,

— zaahira

P.S. the stars are beautiful up here tonight. hathor is smiling down for you.