Arrow Lake clair de lune

night of August 31

within her time left, Tahani sought to be useful. she would not be a drain on Diaspora's resources, even in her weakened state. she'd spent the days gathering herbs, puttering around in the greener places here, finding peace in the quiet simplicity. the mundane nature of pulling a plant, setting it aside. pulling a plant, setting it aside. pulling. . .

but even with such simple tasks, she was tired at the end of the day. she lay outside of @Takiyok's den, enjoying the midnight breeze—the only thing that made her feel at home. every time else was much too warm.

moonbeams bounced off her ivory pelt, turning it to gleaming alabaster. it still shone under the stars, even at its dullest. sometimes, she was all too aware of her deteriorating condition, and longed for the days when she was most hale, most beautiful. right now, though, she was content with her lot in life.

she was among family, in a beautiful place. things could be a whole lot worse.

The pups didn't often sleep in the whelping den now that they were older, preferring to sleep with the rest of the pack. She usually preferred the same but she had been visiting here more than normal over the last few days, drawn by the familiarity at a time when everything was so confusing and overwhelming. 

Stigmata's scent was everywhere in the small space, and it made her chest tighten. Just when she was about to take advantage of her time alone and slump down to sulk for a while, her sister's scent came wafting in from outside. Suddenly craving the closeness of family, she trotted out and over to where Tahani reclined. Taki hadn't missed how different she looked. She looked sick, but she couldn't bear to ask her big sister about it. She couldn't handle anymore. 

The Kapitän settled down beside her and silently placed her head along her slender shoulders, seeking comfort from the sister she thought she might never see again.

at Takiyok's approach, she smiled, and let out a gentle sigh as she felt the head rest against her shoulders. even in the too-hot climate, the warmth of her sister was nice. they lay in silence for a few long moments, Tahani content to let it be so.

it is beautiful here, she remarked at last, eyes scanning the nearby peaks, the blanket of sky and stars. another moment or two in quiet, and then. . . was this the first place you settled, after the blizzard? or did you wander? and an unspoken question: did you look?

of course she had looked! they all had looked. . .right? she couldn't think otherwise of her family. not the ones that had come here, at least.

but Tahani wouldn't blame Taki even if she hadn't. in the wake of that calamity. . .anyone would have been shellshocked. enough to settle down, start a new life, at least.

There was silence between them for some time, both taking comfort in the other's presence. When her sister mentioned the blizzard, Taki lifted her head and looked away. She didn't like thinking about that time, much less talking about it, but she would for Tahani. I searched for hours after the storm and couldn't find anyone. I had taken refuge in a small range of mountains just north of the glacier when Mahler found me. We knew each other already, and he convinced me to come back here and help start Diaspora with Stigmata. Her voice faltered over the name of the recently deceased General. I had known Stigmata for a while...we had already agreed to have children in the spring. Diaspora seemed like where I needed to be. Grief and despair swelled in her chest at the memory of that time. Still, I continued my search for you and the children, for everyone. I traveled along the coast and found Currituck safe and sound with a pack there. But I found no one else. She decided to spare her the story of Rusalka and the black faced bitch that refused to return her niece and nephew partly because she just couldn't muster the strength to talk about it now, and partly because she didn't want to upset her sister. She would bear the burden on her own like she had been since Sia ditched her to run home.

Once I had the children, I couldn't leave for a while, but I returned to the glacier just before you came here; I found nothing. It was the same way I had left it last winter. It had been eerie to see it so unchanged when her life had changed so much since the last time she had been there.

she caught the sadness when Taki spoke of Stigmata and frowned, craning her neck to touch her muzzle against her sister's pelt. i'm sorry for your loss, Takiyok, she murmured, her voice a brief whisper between the words of the story. at the mention of Currituck, her face grew lighter, and she let out a little chuckle, though she didn't respond until Takiyok was done speaking.

i found Currituck there, too. i stayed on the island for a while, Tahani explained. i looked for you all, too. i found no one else. and when Curri got restless and left the coast, i eventually followed. eventually, i went back north, and stayed with another pack there. i enjoyed getting out of the heat, she snickered, rolling her eyes.

sad that no one had claimed the glacier as their own since. it was such a beautiful place. . .despite its dangers. perhaps the wolves here were simply too soft for the icy wilderness; then again, hadn't the northerners been driven out by storm, as well?

i'm happy you're a mother, she sighed warmly, letting her expression relax into a contented daze. i'm happy to have three more nephews and a niece to spoil.

She nodded in response to her sister's condolences, never able to accept those kinds of things from others very well. But she appreciated her sister's support regardless; she just wished she was better at putting it into words. Actions were far easier than expressing with words how important someone was to her.

She hated that she had been so close to finding Tahani last winter. All that searching, and her sister had been with Curri the whole time. She was happy that she had found her daughter, though. She knew all too well the despair that came with losing a child. I'm glad you found her, she offered, silently wondering what pack up north she had been with and why she didn't just go home. 

A brief smile worked it's way onto her face at Tahani's next words. She was happy to be a mother too. It was what she had wanted most. She wished things hadn't turned out to be so difficult for her children, but she was always glad to have them in her life. Her expression darkened, though, when Tahani mentioned three nephews. Only two of my sons are here, she explained, her chest tightening painfully at the words. Atanik has been missing since the day his father died. I've been searching for him...but I haven't found any trace of him. She hated that he was out there on his own. She just wanted him home where he was safe.

me, too, Tahani agreed, wondering just what kind of life she would be living if she had never been reunited with her little dove. an incomplete one, surely. one where she didn't know where Currituck was, or even whether she lived and breathed. even in the face of looming death, this existence was certainly better than that one.

she frowned, pulling closer still. i know, Taki, she breathed, eyes misting over slightly. how could she burden her sister with the news of her illness after all that had happened here? she couldn't. Takiyok could see her wasting; it would not be a surprise when she passed. Tahani would remain tight-lipped on the subject, choosing to focus only on her sister and her brood.

death was inevitable. Atanik could—would!—come back. she said as much, and added, i can help look for him if i feel up to it, in the coming days, she offered, nuzzling into her little sister's pelt. is he pale, like us?

She wanted to believe Atanik would come back, but she couldn't help but expect the worst. Everyone else who had gone missing, aside from her sister, had remained missing. So what makes this any different? It seemed she was doomed to a life of searching for missing loved ones. Couldn't she have been spared the grief of losing a child, though? 

With Tahani's next words, it was impossible to ignore her condition any longer. Taki hadn't wanted to ask—she couldn't bear any more tragedy, but she wasn't one to avoid things. First, though, she answered her question. No. He looks more like his father...black and light grey. She only paused briefly before adding: But, Tahani, you can't go looking for him..you're sick; I can tell. Despair filled her expression as she sought her sister's gaze. Taki desperately wished she would tell her she was wrong in her assumption.

she nodded at the description, only to be met with resistance by her sister. Tahani's gaze grew sadder still as she knew the truth that had been so implicit between them would now surface in words. it had to. she couldn't continue to dance around it; this she knew.

i am sick, she confirmed softly. i don't think it's something i can recover from, Taki. i don't know how much time i have. not long. . .i have grown weaker every day. the healer choked down her own fears and chose to face Takiyok directly, countenance grim but still gentle.

let me help you, Tahani insisted. her voice was barely audible, more like the evening breeze than anything. Taki, i need to stay useful. it keeps my mind off everything else. if not looking for Atanik, then looking after the others. anything. i promise, no matter what happens or when, i'm here for you now.

 and would be even after death, if that happened to be possible. never would she abandon her family.

She wanted to yell at her sister, demand a reason for coming here now just to dump more grief on their lives when they had already suffered so much. Taki closed her eyes. Her throat felt dry, and her blood pulsed in her ears. For a moment, she felt like she couldn't catch her breath, like she was suffocating on all the emotions she was fighting so hard to keep hidden. When she opened her eyes again to look upon her sister, all the turmoil melted away, leaving only a sucking hole of despair in her chest. She rarely fell victim to tears, but she was helpless against the moisture welling in her eyes then. Her siblings had always had the ability to break through her stony facade. She turned away, not wanting Tahani to see her cry—she hated for anyone to see such a moment of weakness.  

She shook her head at the offer, intending to refuse any help from her dying sister and demand that she just take care of herself. But she thought of her grief-stricken children then, and with a deep intake of breath to steady her voice she asked: Will you just spend time with the children? Their well-being mattered more than anything else, even her own broken heart. The loss of their father has been so hard for them...they need support from their family. Even if their aunt's would only be temporary. It was all she could ask of her sister.

the effect her revelation had on Takiyok was not lost on the healer. it broke her heart all over again, and hurt worse than the aches and pains that she grappled with every day. she gave her sister time to silently grieve, to compose herself, and when Taki eventually did speak again, Tahani blinked softly in assent.

i will, Takiyok, she whispered. i'll give them all my love. you, too. i am here for my family for as long as i have left. i promise.

Tahani sighed and rested her head against Taki's shoulder, eyelids fluttering shut. i'm sorry, she breathed. i didn't want to upset you, or be a burden. i just needed to find you, before. . . before the end. needed to find someone. i'm glad it was you.

maybe a miracle would happen, and Siarut and Shivali, Tomkin, Shila, Aningan and Sos and Tunerk and Currituck and all the rest. . .maybe they'd come.

but for now, she had Takiyok and her children, and that was more than enough.

fade here? <3

Thank you, Tahani, she replied softly. She would feel less helpless knowing there was someone else looking out for her children while they tried to deal with their grief, even if it would only be temporary. She knew she was setting them up for more despair by allowing the possibility that they might become close with their aunt, but she wouldn't deny them the comfort she knew they would get from her. And she wouldn't deny Tahani the chance to get to know them before she was longer with them. 

Don't apologize, she demanded, shaking her head. You're not a burden; I'm glad you're here. Taki hated the thought of her dying without any family around. At least now, she could be made comfortable like she would do for anyone else in her position. Taki draped her head over Tahani, embracing her sister. She knew now that their time together was limited, and she didn't want to waste any of it being angry with her sister for something she couldn't control. She would stay there with her  for as long as she wished, glad to steal some time for just the two of them. She knew she would look back on this when her Tahani was no longer here and be thankful for the quiet time spent in the presence of her big sister.