Heron Lake Plateau home is where your heart is

Eljay had heard of Wiffle's return to the Redhawk pack, but he hadn't actually seen her again. He felt all giddy and fuzzy inside as he searched the plateau that day. Things had been busy enough the past days, since Wildfire'd joined -- or maybe he'd simply been avoiding this moment, because in his experience, reunions weren't always as good as you had pictured and rewinded them in your head each of the hundred times -- but Eljay had gotten off duty, leaving the pups in Raven's care after giving them a hunting lesson (or trying, at least).

He searched around the rendezvous site for any trace of @Wildfire, hoping she was close by. It felt forever that he had last seen her when he'd been a part of Drageda. As he recounted what had happened then, Eljay stopped in his tracks and swallowed thickly. Would she be angry that he had never told Drageda what'd happened? That he'd never returned? Suddenly the fuzzy feeling in his stomach turned upside down and Eljay felt the urge to avoid this search and the reunion with Wiffle again.

She wanted so badly to talk to Bat, reassure her that everything was fine. She also wanted to talk to Artaax, despite the threats he'd made. Wildfire hadn't gotten to say goodbye—he'd been gone for a while, searching for Bat—and though she knew he would never understand, Wildfire couldn't help it. She wanted to see her son, try talking to him. She ached for him, Blixen, Bobby, Silkie and Tux... she might have walked away deliberately but that didn't stop her from missing her children.

But none of them—including Bat—really wanted much of anything to do with her right now. Although Wildfire was immensely grateful for the company of Kiwi and Sequoia, as well as the Redhawks, it hurt her. She carried the pain with her as she traipsed across the plateau, seeking Raven. She wanted to spend some time with her sister, nieces and nephew today. She'd heard about the altercation at the borders and hoped to get the latest news from the Alpha male's mate.

As she neared the area where the family kept house, Wildfire saw a familiar face. "Eljay!" she cried out, features brightening. It never even crossed her mind to dwell on those ancient days in Drageda; it was entirely possible she'd even forgotten all about them over time. "I knew it was only a matter of time before I ran into you here. Rave says you spend a lot of time with the kids," she said in way of greeting once she came closer. "It's good to see you. How are you?"

Wiffle wasn't the only one who missed a slew of her kids. Eljay's heart had never truly stopped aching for Blix and Bobbin, the two of her brood that he'd spent most time with. He'd known them only a short while but it was strange to be missing out on their lives, and he felt the same guilt that he had felt towards Wiffle for not letting them know he was alive -- for not returning -- towards Blixen and Bobbin. At this point, though, Eljay doubted they even wanted anything to do with him.

Just as he was freezing up, unsure how Wildfire would respond to him after not seeing him for so long -- after he'd abandoned Drageda like that -- he heard her voice. Eljay's muscles tensed in physical reaction, and his breathing came out in rapid bouts. He hadn't had a panic attack like this in some time, but there was one thing that Eljay was determined about: Not to let Wildfire show that he was having a panic attack. This actually helped him focus his breathing and calm down at least a little bit before Wiffle got to him.

It further calmed his nerves a little to see her cheerful at seeing him. Eljay's breathing was shallow and rapid as Wiffle came closer. There was a nagging voice at the back of his head that said that maybe she was only pretending to be nice because it was expected, but was in fact not thinking positively towards him at all. But then, it was Wiffle -- how could she be harbouring ill will towards him? Surely not?

He caught about half of what Wildfire said while trying to calm himself and debating his own mind down, but there was something about the kids, and he registered Wildfire asking 'how are you'. She likes you, she's not angry, Eljay kept telling himself calmly in his mind while he battled down the rapid breathing and worked hard to keep his face as normal-looking as he could. Since it was Wildfire, he wouldn't be surprised if she noticed, but Eljay kept hoping she might just not. "Wiffle! I'm so glad you're -- it's nice to see you -- I can't believe you're here!" Eljay felt a little guilty that he hadn't gotten to meet her youngest children yet, either, but surely this would all come to pass eventually.

Although he stumbled over his words a bit, Wildfire hardly noticed. She didn't pick up on any of his inner turmoil either. He was just good old Eljay to her, a sight for sore eyes. After dwelling so much on how half her children now considered her natrona, his warm reception really soothed her soul. Wildfire was forever grateful to the Redhawks for always opening their arms and doors to her.

That made her reflect on her last stay here, while she'd recovered from her imprisonment at Blackfeather Woods. Eljay and Lagan had kept her company during her recovery, the latter cracking lots of stupid jokes that lightened her mood. He wasn't here anymore, Wildfire knew, which made her even more grateful that Eljay was still as solidly planted here as ever—never mind his brief foray to Drageda, which she remembered only vaguely now.

"I keep finding my way back to you guys, huh?" Her chestnut eyes crinkled at the corners. "Although the scenery's changed a bit," she quipped, looking around at the plateau. It wasn't altogether that different from the caldera but it definitely wasn't the same either.

Eljay was relieved even further to find that Wildfire was being totally normal towards him. As if nothing ever happened. At the very least she didn't seem angry in any way, which helped him calm down further. His mind kept spinning tales that didn't hep with the breathing, but he felt better to be in her company, at least, better knowing that she was here and that she was being nice.

"Yeah," he said with a soft smile, while he tried to focus on his breathing still. It was hard doing that and listening to all the things Wiffle was saying. "I'm glad." But he said it after what Wildfire'd said about the change in scenery, though he had intended it to mean he was glad that she had found her way back here. "I mean, glad that you're back. Not glad about the scenery. I hate this place." Eljay's breathing sped up again as he said something unpopular -- he didn't mean to sound ungrateful about their new pack lands -- and he blurted out a "Sorry" that might seem very out of place for someone who didn't realise how panicked he was feeling, as to him it felt like everyone within a mile would realise how idiotic he was behaving.

He baldly told her that he hated it here and Wildfire looked a little taken aback. His opinion didn't offend her, just took her by surprise. It was somehow astonishing to know someone like Eljay was capable of hatred. At that thought, her face softened into a gentle smile. He must have some strong feelings to admit them so frankly. The fact that he apologized directly after corroborated that theory.

"Oh, how come?" she asked, genuinely curious. Wildfire hoped the look on her face encouraged him to freely to speak his mind.

There was a nervous frown on Eljay's face. Wildfire was so sweet about this but he knew he shouldn't have spoken out of turn. Especially he shouldn't have used such strong wording. But here they were, and now it was too late. Eljay shook his head but he knew he couldn't get away without telling Wildfire what she wanted to know.

He looked rather embarrassed as he elaborated: I... Just kinda miss Redhawk Caldera, I guess. I'm glad everyone's here, but just... It's not -- home. He hoped that Wildfire wouldn't judge too harshly, but then, it seemed she never did. That gave him some hope, though the nervous pit at the bottom of his stomach just refused to quit.

It seemed the reason he hated the plateau was because it simply wasn't the caldera. Wildfire nodded her understanding. She'd lived in several other places, yet the caldera held a special place in her heart. She knew it was their family that really mattered, that where they lived was secondary. She was sure Eljay knew that too. He was here, after all. But there were plenty of reasons to feel attached to the place where they'd been born.

She mentioned another one now: "My parents are buried there. I understand. I miss it too. Maybe we could visit sometime. Your mother and I spoke about it, actually." Wildfire paused for a moment, face suddenly thoughtful, her tongue running over her teeth before she spoke again. "I'd like to go there and maybe even do some other traveling in the spring. I haven't done it since before—since before." Hopefully Eljay knew what she was referring to. If not, she supposed she could elaborate. "I miss it. And I'm done letting fear hold me back." Wildfire shifted her weight. "I really enjoyed the trip here. It may not be home but this area is beautiful."

Eljay was rather ashamed that he had given such a strong opinion. He didn't really hate this place, he supposed -- he just really wished that he still lived at Redhawk Caldera. Though Wiffle didn't judge him on anything, he still hoped that she didn't think too badly on him. Maybe she thought he was being a horrible wolf on the inside, and just didn't share any of that with him.

At least she admitted to missing it, too. Eljay nodded when Wildfire suggested visiting Redhawk Caldera. He'd not visited it since they'd left; as a matter of fact, Eljay rarely left pack grounds to start with. It'd be good to go back there. "Yeah, that's a good idea. I'd... I'd like that. To visit." He was surprised to hear that Wildfire'd spoken about this with mommy. There was a familiar pit in his stomach as he wondered if it meant mommy would travel again, too. He'd enjoyed having her stay closer to home this past time. It was the only thing that made this place feel at least a little bit like a home, to him.

It was admirable that Wildfire wouldn't let fear hold her from travelling. Eljay still was afraid to travel, even if he had done so to get to Drageda, and had even gone to Blackfeather Woods to fight all alone. He was a little envious, though mostly just felt bad that he wasn't as brave as Wildfire about this. "Wow, that's... That's really brave of you," said Eljay. "I'm still kinda scared going outside, even if I don't really like this place..." He looked at Wiffle and aded, with a soft smile: "But I think I'd feel safe enough visiting Redhawk Caldera if you're there, too."

"Your mom and dad will be going as well, if I have anything to do with it," Wildfire said with a smile, glad that Eljay seemed enthusiastic about the idea. "You know, we joked—or I did, anyway—about the two of them making a comeback, claiming the caldera again. I know it's not realistic but..." But she thought their eldest son might appreciate the idea. "Anyway, it'll be good to go back and pay our respects to my parents."

It was fun to talk about fun future plans, though Wildfire abruptly realized Eljay hadn't even answered her question. "Scenery aside, how's life treating you, Eljay? What have you been up to since the last time we saw each other?" As she asked, she took a seat and motioned for him to do the same.

It would be nice to have mommy and daddy there, too, when they went for a trip. Eljay couldn't help his eyes shimmering with something -- hope, maybe? -- when Wildfire said that she had joked about mommy and daddy claiming the Caldera again. What a great day it would be if that were true. But what about the threat from Blackfeather woods? Would they stay at bay..? Before he could respond in any other way than physically showing how much the idea of living back home meant to him -- soft shining eyes, a dreamy smile on his face -- Wildfire added that it would be good to pay respects to her parents and Eljay nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it will." Now he couldn't help but feel giddy about this trip. He couldn't wait until they'd go.

Wildfire's next question caught Eljay off guard. He'd already forgotten she had asked him before and he had been too baffled and happy to see Wildfire to respond. The truth was, he didn't have that much to say: most of what 'his life' was now was the lives of others. "Oh, not much. I've mostly been helping raise Raven's pups, so that's been really nice. And thinking about things, I guess. I try to do patrolling when I do that, so I... But it's mostly looking after the pups that's still my task. And I have been trying to learn about uhm, healing wounds and stuff." Not that he had much experience on actual wounds; luckily, there weren't that many wounded in the pack, and if there were, then he had completely missed them all.

Raven had told Wildfire about Eljay's involvement with the four youngest members of the pack, though it was enjoyable hearing about it straight from the source. His face was soft with joy, his pale green eyes shining—perhaps leftovers from the discussion about the caldera, although she didn't think of that—as he described a simple but pleasant existence among the Redhawks.

"What things do you think about?" Wildfire wondered, chestnut eyes glimmering with curiosity. Perhaps it had been an idle statement, though she couldn't help but wonder if there was anything specific on Eljay's mind. "Not that it's any of my business," she added with a small smile, in case he didn't feel like sharing.

At Wildfire's question, Eljay fiddled a little, shifting weight from one paw to another. He felt awkward telling Wildfire about his hopes and dreams for some reason. It was worse enough to tell mommy and daddy about it, let alone someone else. Of course, it was Wiffle, but still. It always felt very silly to talk about what he wanted.

"Oh, uhm..." he hesitated, then said: "Just things, I guess, like.. about the pups and stuff." Which was sort of true, even if it wasn't exactly about these pups.

They'd just been talking about her sister's pups, so his response made sense. Wildfire intuited that he wasn't necessarily referring to only Raven's kids though. Perhaps he was thinking of offspring of his own? Of course, that was just a wild guess. Her head tilted slightly. She wanted to press him for more details, though she knew it was a pretty personal matter.

"Tell me if I'm being too nosy," she replied, "but do you mean Rave's kids? Or just pups in general?"

Eljay felt his cheeks flush and he wasn't really sure what to say or do when Wildfire pressed him on the matter and asked him if it was about Raven's pups or just in general. "Oh, uhm, well," he mumbled awkwardly while he tried to figure out what to say. Never good at lying, Eljay ended up confessing: "Both, I -- I guess. I mean, I'd -- think of being a father sometimes." He hadn't said it out loud like that before, and Eljay felt incredibly stupid saying it out loud like that. It sounded like he was shouting the most bizarre idea anyone had ever come up with off the rooftops. Eljay looked away, unable to bear seeing how Wildfire would respond -- if she'd laugh, stare, or think him a weirdo -- while his breath came out in short panicky huffs.

Seeing his discomfiture, Wildfire opened her mouth to reassure him that he really didn't need to share if it made him uncomfortable. But then the confession popped out of his mouth. He turned aside a moment after, breathing harshly, and the Iota kicked herself for pushing him.

"Hey," she said gently, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push." She paused before adding, "I think you'd make a great dad though. Is there"—oh my gosh, Wildfire, leave him be!—"a lady in the picture?"

The apology only made Eljay feel more panicked, because on top of looking like an idiot he also was making Wildfire feel bad, like she'd done something she shouldn't have. "Oh no, that's -- I didn't mean to, uhm," he muttered under his breath, but he wasn't too sure how to finish all that because it seemed silly to apologise for someone apologising to you. All of this was pretty silly, and Eljay realised that, but somehow he found it really hard to shake it off.

At Wildfire's question, Eljay shook his head. "No, I don't, uhm... That's why it's stupid. To think of, I mean." Eljay looked at his own toes, feeling utterly ridiculous and too afraid to look at Wildfire to see what she must be thinking of him by now. He already felt silly thinking about pups to himself when there wasn't anyone in the picture to have pups with, let alone tell anyone else about it.

There was no one. Wildfire really ought to kick herself for prying. Instead, she said, "That's not stupid at all!" And that was the truth, at least according to her. "It's totally normal to want kids, regardless of your relationship status." Obviously, it wasn't ideal to want a family while having no mate, though surely there was someone out there for Eljay.

"You'll find the right person someday," Wildfire said, aware that she was offering platitudes. She thought Eljay was sweet and certainly knew his way around child-rearing. But it would take a special lady, she supposed, and just the right circumstances. She frowned thoughtfully. There was already going to be plenty of competition for breeding rights come springtime, with the pairs already mated. Her heart fluttered with a bittersweet sentiment: she was glad she didn't plan on having any more children...

"Actually," she said, changing tack, "I can't tell you whether you'll find a mate and start a family. Nobody knows what'll happen in the future. What I can tell you is that you'd make a great partner and an even better father. And I really hope you get the chance to be both, Eljay. There's nothing quite like parenthood."

Eljay hadn't really heard anyone else ever mention that they would like to have kids even if they didn't have a mate, so he didn't think it was 'totally normal' at all (and he doubted that Wildfire really thought that, too). He didn't speak up against Wildfire though, just simmering quietly in his anxiety while he tried to get a grip on himself. His breathing just refused to fully calm down, though he was managing to keep it at manageable levels.

At first Wildfire said that he'd find someone, but then she decided to change her mind and said that she wasn't too sure he would. Of course he wouldn't so easily -- Eljay knew that he was a total loser, so who would want to be with him, let alone raise pups with him? What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just accept that it may not be in the stars for him, and be happy with his life surrounded by family, where he was at least allowed to take care of the other pups in the pack even if they weren't his?

Wildfire's words were only vaguely registered; she was saying he'd be a good father but even if he would find someone that could love him, he wasn't too sure he'd be good at any of it. He just nodded numbly and said, "Thanks, Wiffle," even though his face was still rife with a panic he was trying -- and failing -- desperately to hide.

She cringed inwardly when she noticed that her reassuring words seemed to have the opposite effect on him. "I'm sorry, Eljay," she murmured quietly. Wildfire wanted to reach out and pat his shoulder but likely that would only make matters worse. "I should've dropped it. I stand by what I said though..."

Sucking in her lower lip, she decided to risk a brief nudge to his ear. "I think I'll go bother someone else," she said with a sheepish smile and a wag of her black tail. "I'll catch you later, okay? I'll introduce you to Kiwi and Sequoia, if you haven't already met them."

"No! It's, no, it's okay," Eljay said with an awkward grin while he tried to control himself. He was glad when Wildfire said she would leave, though he also felt anxious that she might be leaving him because she thought he was a big freak weirdo. He frowned at Wildfire and said, "Okay, I'm sorry, I uh, I'll see you later. I'd love to meet them." Eljay smiled at Wildfire, though it was clear he was still a rather panicky state of mind. Surely Wildfire hated him and would never want him to meet her children or see him ever again, because he was acting like such a loser. But she was just leaving, so Eljay kept telling himself that he could control his emotions for another five minutes, surely...