Duskfire Glacier tangled up in you

Backdated to June 20th

Tzila laid with Winterbane on the soft, cool ground. She kept close, seemingly insistent on as much physical contact as possible, with the curve of her spine pressed against the solidity of his frame. Head held upright, she looked at him meaningfully. "What I wanted to discuss is our pups." She began calmly, giving no hint at what she was about to disclose. She could not know how he would take the news. But she hoped he would be okay with it. After all, he had slept with Lane before her. Tzila knew that in his role as Leader, he was free to do so. The problem was, despite her rank, she was of a dominant mindset. She had always done what she liked, with little opinion of what others may think.

Only this time, with Wintersbane, it mattered. A lot. Because she respected him. Felt for him. Deeply. Her lunar eyes searched his scarred face, trying to read the emotions swirling behind his eyes. "One day after we courted, Rye found me in the caverns. I was still in season, and our instincts got the better of us." She tensed briefly, cutting in before he could speak and jump to any conclusions. "But, you got to me first. Even so, I want to make you aware that there is a chance some of the pups may share Rye's genes. Or none at all." She remained calm, open and honest. It was out in the open now, just as she had promised herself it would be. If she wanted any kind of a future (and a specific one) with the Tundrian, any relationship had to start with honesty. She would not deny him that.

the little intimate moment between them is nice and wintersbane finds himself relishing it in naturally; easily. he lifts his head from his front paws as she speaks, trying and failing to chase the ice cold dread that rises in his scarred throat as she brings up the want to discuss their pups. okay, his voice in his invitation is calm; not keen yet to betray the things he feels conjuring up the worst of worst scenarios.

as she tells him the truth of her heat, that the day after they lay together she had let rye lay with her makes his muscles pull taught.

a cold tension spreads along his feverkissed shoulders as he battles the rapid spreading anger and jealousy laying to waste and withering him inside.

got to you first, wintersbane repeats a bit sourly, as if that was meant to console the horrible things he feels — aimed mostly at rye but also a bit at her, too. i thought we wanted the same things. you promised me a family — not a shared family. was it fair of him? certainly not? did he care? also no.

he feels so horribly betrayed that he is becoming the glacier and stone his ancestors were carved from. rye has lain with others. he thinks of imaq with a twitch of his tail as he rises and paces. clearly, i have made a mistake allowing the other male of the pack to breed freely.

a breath is taken but it does not console him. does not temper the raging storm let loose within him.

enough dancing around it, the coy games were fun at first but in the face of his own hurt he realizes he has grown tired of them, of the uncertainty. either there was something between them or there wasn't. do you want me or don't you? he asks bluntly, wishing he could've been more romantic about it.

though i promised not to forsake my children ...there is no way of knowing if they are mine or his and either they will all be mine or they will all be rye's.

She tensed. Bracing herself for his reaction. She watched his body language closely, and his face, even closer. She could see it. The jealousy, hurt and anger rising up inside him. It was there laced in his voice, sour on his tongue. Her heart clenched painfully, riddled with heated regret and guilt. Still, even in the presence of his overwhelming envy and anger, she did not recoil from him. Instead, she shifted over onto her opposite side, facing him so they could have a serious talk.

Much to her credit, Tzila did not loose her cool. Back when she was someone else, it may have been a different story entirely. "A family, yes. But just with you and me...well, I missed that one." She admitted softly, even if he had not specified that. She would take the blame for this one, as her apologetic tone implied. Normally, she was not an apologetic woman. But people could change. A concept she had grown familiar with over the last year of her life. She continued. "As I recall, you had said this was a no strings attached deal. And you had bedded Lane as well, before me." Her voice was steady, matter of fact. But not accusing. 

Sighing, she turned her head away to look off in the distance, but still gave him her undivided attention. "Hormones...breeding hormones can make us do silly things, if we are not careful. My actions then....they were out of instinct, not emotion, when he found me." Had she forgotten that their kind, as a rule, took a single partner and mated for life? Well, there were exceptions to that rule. They are individuals with distinct personalities, wants and needs. 

While he got up to pace, Tzila remained rooted to her spot. Perhaps to overcome with guilt to move. Or perhaps in a mixed display of submission. Something only Wintersbane would ever see, and no one else. Her expression was almost pained, ears slicked against her skull, head down and chin tucked into the furs of her throat. His blunt voice cut through the air and into her, snapping her icy eyes wide open. She rotated her head stiffly to look at him. Had she heard him right? Rendered speechless, all she could do was process the sentence that had came out of his mouth. It was far from romantic in it's phrasing, but the meaning was all the same. 

Her head cleared, her racing thoughts calming. The almost fearful look in her eyes melted away, swept up by something more determined. More certain. When she stood, it was with that air of natural confidence (without overdoing it) she had always exuded since she was a cub. The whole time, her eyes were locked on his glacial ones. One step and then another, bringing her close to him. No more uncertainty. No more timidness. No games. To his question: "You are all I have ever wanted." Was her answer in a low, soft voice, thick with emotion. And to his uncertainty, she steeled her jaw. "Wintersbane, listen to me." She dipped her muzzle an inch lower to convey her seriousness.  "Who these cubs true biological father is shouldn't matter. I want you in their lives. You will always be their father and that is who they will know you as. No matter what."

he was just as much to blame, and had given into temptations just as thoroughly as she. he had no ground to stand on and he works to curb his jealousy so it does not come down as blame. he was failing to explain why this pestered him so bad, why it settles beneath his skin like a raging fire.

it has been so long since he has cared what anyone has thought of him, so long since he wanted someone to be his as fiercely as he wants tzila to be. not since andraste and her death had left him wounded and mourning ...just as relmyna's before her.

foolishly, wintersbane had thought he could separate his desire from fatherhood from his desire to settle; that they were not born of the same thing; and perhaps at first, they had not been.

and as his feelings for tzila had grown despite his efforts not to nurture them, things had begun to change. he'd begun to reconsider his stance on many things even before he admitted to himself what he's known for some time now.

i had. he concedes. many things have changed from then to now. and like the many things in his life, it had totally blindsided him. okay. is what he wants to say to her explanation that her desires were born of hormones and instincts and not emotions with rye. instead, all he manages is a boorish grunt.

talking about feelings was not something wintersbane has excelled at.

she rises from her place where she has stayed even as he paced like a caged beast; hoping the thud of his large paws against the earth might calm the worst of the storm. he watches wearily as she approaches him a step at a time, leaving him to realize with a cottony feeling on his tongue that he has just — rather brutishly — admitted his feelings for her.

but it does matter ( it does not ), he wants to argue because he is being petulant even as her words of wanting him is a balm to the ache of his soul; but while he's already mucked it all up absence of the romance and intimacy this moment should've held he continues with, then say you'll be my wife, tzila. say you'll be my equal in all things. in life, in marriage, in leadership and i will commit myself to you just as fully as your husband.

She had been trying to mend this as best she could. Clutching at strings, reaching for explanations that she thought would best quell the storm of his emotions. But none of them were perfect. None would fix the hurt here. She simply could have driven Rye away the day he found her. It was too late for that. She hadn't realized how deeply Wintersbane truly wanted these children to be all his own.

"I had wondered." She returned. "Even dared to hope." A smile wanted to come to her voice. The weight of the situation kept it at bay. "I had just...never..." She choked on her words, swallowing thickly. Try again. "I was too afraid to say it. To ask..." She cut herself off, feeling her throat closing up with the threat of tears in her eyes. There was nothing holding her back now. He had opened himself to her, and she to him. 

She thought of Rye. She would have to tell him. Hopefully Wintersbane would not come down too hard on him. She cared for the Hotah, but only as a pack mate. As a dear friend. Otherwise she wouldn't be standing here confessing her deepest feelings to the scarred Tundrian. It was him she wanted. Had yearned for. The missing link in her life, leaving her an incomplete, fractured chain.

The moment wasn't perfect. It didn't have to be. The mushy romance could come later. Evolve naturally. All she wanted now was to clear the air. To soothe his burning nerves, kissed with the cool touch of ice like that sprawled in so much of their home. She would go to any means to do so. His voice wrapped around her, tugging her to him. A promise, asking to be returned. A pledge of the heart and soul. What Tzila, the Shadow Queen heard then, were words she thought she might never hear. For others, but not her. She had been wrong. Fate was smiling upon these two wolves, brought together by tragedy, at last. Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. "I will. I am yours, completely." Her voice was soft, hushed with sincere elation.

it is in these moments, rare, when wintersbane feels like an exposed wire: too vulnerable, in which he glimpses the truth of himself. that he didn't have everything all together, that he was prone to making messes and being an unruly boar when he wanted something so achingly but had no idea how to express it in the correct ways. it had always been easier to shy away from feelings — it was how he survived as a cub taken from his parents, from his teaghlaigh.

and as it had worked for him thus far he had seen no reason to adopt anything else.

am i really so frightening? wintersbane asks; smoky reticence taking a light lilting tilt of teasing. there was gravity to this discussion, to these vows made clumsily but nevertheless true and holding the weight that could crush or raise an empire.

she agrees, though given their grievances and affections for one another unceremoniously aired out wintersbane had not expected her to reject him ( even if he deserved to be rejected for being such an ass and letting his jealousy get the better of him and cause him to act with an immaturity unbecoming of his station and age ).

as i am your's.

Humor edged back into her being, a feeling of weightlessness overtaking her. It felt as though the ground had dropped out underneath her, leaving her to float in this moment of bliss. All of her fears of the past dissipated. They were no longer valid. Just memories. She had more to look forward to. Memories that she could create with Wintersbane and the cubs she would soon bear. 

With the tension and weariness all but gone from her form, she let loose a low, soft chuckle. "Not so frightening at all." She jested back, gently. He may not have felt himself deserving of her, but she had not been able to deny her feelings for him any longer. She had sat by, waiting while her pups grew, while he continued to offer his services to any willing female that sought him out. She strayed and let Rye couple with her. It was not her place to hold Wintersbane back, doing freely as Alpha. Consider it a small price for her to pay, accepting of his selfishness. In the end, today, she still accepted him. They had come to terms with what they wanted, and now, they had it.

She leaned in fully against him, holding nothing back as she had done many times before. Buried her crown in the thickness of his plush fur of his neck, rumbling contently. Her tail waved slowly, high in the air, expressing her happiness. This was all so new to her. Not so much him, who had been married twice before. "I like to think, that if she could see us now, Hydra would be happy for us. Not just for this...but for how far we've come."

their vows made, wintersbane struggles to find anything else that needed to be said — this would be an adventure of growth that he was suddenly glad he would not have to endure alone. though tzila was not his first wife, with any luck, she would be the last. giving away his heart only to have it shattered by circumstance was not something wintersbane favored doing a third time.

and didn't they always say the third time's the charm?

tzila speaks of hydra and it draws certain surprise to wintersbane's scarred visage. it has been some time since he thought of hydra — since the weeks that followed the incident that had claimed her and the towering peak of moonspear ( at least, in part ). perhaps she would. wintersbane murmurs in stilled agreement; not so sure that he knew hydra that well that he could say for sure.

he'd known her, of course; she'd trained him young and eager and barely out of cubhood. but looking back on it he realized he had not known her as well as he'd assumed. it makes wintersbane wonder, if briefly, how his wives would take his blossomed love for tzila ...only to tuck it away.

one day, when he joined them in the ether he suspected he would find out.

In this moment, that seemed to stretch on, Tzila found that there were no words needed to express herself. The comforting silence and the warmth of the structure of their bodies against one another, was more than enough. She soaked it in, reveling in it. 

A wife, she had never been. Nor a lover or a mate. Only a crush. She found herself fulfilled in this way now, having gained something she never had dreamt of. Yet each of them still knew heartache and loss oh so well. Their paths littered with shadows, regrets and tragedies. All coming together, to criss cross now into one. 

She would like to know more. In greater detail of his past wives. Not out of jealousy, but to get a better understanding of the Tundrian himself. If he was willing to share, of course. Having gone through so much, Tzila's formerly shaky soul could not bear another blow. She would do everything in her power, in her will to remain by his side until the end. She placed a kiss along the bridge of his muzzle. "Know that I dedicate myself to you, Wintersbane. To Duskfire and to our family." She muttered in content conclusion, an earnest declaration of the bond that centered but extended beyond themselves.