Broken Boulder with everything falling down around me, i'd like to believe

edit: forward-dated to the morning after this thread

At some point, he and Lanawyn had parted ways— he crept off to the safety of his den, shaking and hollow. Nightmares plagued his sleep that night; it was the first of many restless nights, though Alarian was unaware of that now. He thrashed fitfully for several beats, and awoke with a start to darkness. Swallowing hard, he pulled himself wearily to his feet and paced until the first rays of sunlight broke the darkness of his den.
He stepped from his den to watch the sun rise, wincing. Though it had been over a month, the Governor's limp persisted— it drove him crazy. Perhaps in time he would get used to it; the thought came to him somewhat miserably. He had never been particularly vain, but it was a harsh blow to his self-image.
Alarian closed his eyes under the growing warmth for several minutes. No thoughts came to him, then. It was a lovely, if exhausted, sort of peace. Even if he knew eventually, he would have to move.
At some point, he did. The groaning of his stomach, more plaintive with each passing day, finally drove him to action. The scent of hare was on the wind, more tantalizing than usual. He trailed it slowly at first, picking carefully through the grass. Hunger eventually sped his pace until the boy was upon his prey. A snap of his jaws around the neck ended it quickly, but the taste of blood immediately made him nauseous. Alarian dropped the hare, appetite lost, and stared at it in disgust and frustration. No food today, either. He could not recall exactly how long it had been, but he was thinner already; noticeably, as he had already been slim.
It would make a decent offering, at least. After several beats, he retrieved the rejected hare and turned to trail another scent. He had been meaning to find @Delight anyway; at least he would have something to bring him. Trying his best to look less miserable than he felt, Alarian set off in pursuit of his friend-slash-co-leader.

alarian needn't have worried; delight looks miserable too, never good at concealing his darkest turmoils as they wash over him. does he have a right to be sad? no, not really, but that's never stopped him, and the sad gives way to numbness and -- well. he prefers the sad, so he'll hold onto it a little bit. milk it.

when he catches wind of ali's approach he tries to smooth his features out the best he can, adopting a cool, not quite together expression. alarian's face matches how he feels and a wave of comforting sympathy rises in him. if nothing else, it is nice to be sad with someone you like, he thinks, wagging his tail in half-hearted greeting. "what's up?"

It was hard not to sense something off with Delight, seeing his expression. He just didn't know what to do about it— so he did nothing. Alarian drew closer to drop the hare at his friend's feet. Not much, The words were soft; if he lowered his voice enough, he thought, he sounded less despondent and more exhausted. Not that he wasn't both of those things anyway.
Just a dog, and a bear, and— He sat down, yawning, his tone mock-casual. Climbing death mountain, I guess. Of course, his friend was already aware of most of these things— or at least, the existence of them. Alarian didn't elaborate further; his gaze flitted somewhere just past Delight. Y'know, I really don't get paid enough for this. Well, none of them actually got paid, but Alarian especially felt the sting of not receiving little green papers in exchange for his efforts.

he blinks at the hare dumbly, registering its presence but unsure if alarian means it for him or is just putting it down to talk. thankfully his friend spares him from having to comment on it yet as he starts to talk again, drawing delight's slightly distant gaze up. his ears lay back briefly as he remember ali's form, dragging the dead girl from the mountain. 

his curse.

still, he snorts at the governor's comment, nodding. "you never do," he grouses with him, sighs. "how is.. all of that, anyway," the chancellor asks, realising he's yet to meet said dog despite being aware of him -- and the bear, but he doesn't really wanna deal with that. that's sorta queenie's deal. except for the uh, you know, babies. fuck his life is weird now.

He glanced back to Delight just in time to see his confusion in the hare's general direction. That's for you, The addition was barely audible.
Alarian should have known his indirect mention of Ioa's death was in poor taste, but— honestly, he didn't care. He had seen enough death, enough general shittiness to last a lifetime, and he would poke fun at it if he wanted goddamnit. Still, he felt a little bad, noting the way Delight's ears flattened for a moment. There was no time to linger; Delight had another question, and this time, he paused to think about it.
No sign of any bears— I found another former member of Grimnismal, There was some undertone to his words as he recalled Mahler that he couldn't quite identify; wistfulness? He went his own way. And Ulf— the dog— is settling in well. He's... really sweet. Has an accent— not sure what, but I've heard it before. From the guy I just mentioned, but that doesn't sound very believable, does it?
He paused, sighed. I'm worried about him, honestly. The wilds are no place for a dog— I've seen it proven too many times. And he's so trusting— I guess we'll just have to... keep him here? His chest tightened to think about finding the wolfdog dead outside of the territory— he'd have to warn him about that, soon. Make sure he knew not to leave.

oh. he nods, barely perceptibly, and puts a paw on the hare, listening to him talk. nothing that breaks the status quo -- which is a good thing, probably. and the dog. he hasn't met ulf yet, but something in the way alarian describes him makes delight's skin prickle uncomfortably, some feeling he can't quite identify. or doesn't want to right now.

"yeah," delight agrees vaguely, suspecting alarian's not really looking for his permission anyway. it's not like the chancellor cares if they have a wolfdog in their midst or not, so long as he's a good dude. "if he wants to stay," he adds, expression thoughtful. 

there are other things he could bring up -- should, maybe -- but he doesn't think he can, biting his tongue. awkwardly he looks at his feet, at the hare instead, and mumbles "thank you, by the way," hoping it's enough.

moooooody boi

His gaze followed Delight's paw for a beat; the small movement struck him as cute, even if there was nothing objectively special about it. Speaking of cuteness— Yeah, he does, Alarian confirmed with a slight smile, eyes flitting to the ground as he recalled his last conversation with Ulf. Heat spread through his ears, and suddenly he was quite ready to change the subject.
Luckily, his friend did that for him. Even if he really didn't need to thank him. Alarian opened his mouth to say as much; studying his friend, though, something else entirely came out. Yeah— of course. We're friends. He didn't like the way the word friends felt in his mouth, weird and thick. Were they even friends? He had hardly seen Delight since they had arrived, but he had tried not to think about it— tried not to think that maybe the other had only been nice long enough to secure a place for the— Queenie. That.
Lanawyn is expecting me, Alarian said abruptly; a lie, of course, but he kept his face impassive and his tone light. He rose and turned to leave, finding himself quite suddenly a bundle of confusion and inexplicable hurt. I'll see you later, Delight.

he smiles then, a genuine one -- he'd been worried their friendship had been hurt by the... well, the everything. even if he'd agreed to take a position of leadership (whatever that means here; he's learning, it's not much), even if he'd helped keep alarian from dying it was still a big ask. and he's still cursed. but maybe it'll be okay, especially once the kids are born and he stops feeling like a big blank spot on the earth.

except then alarian is leaving and it seems innocent enough but something in the abruptness of it makes delight's expression fold, startled. "o-oh," he says, unable to stop the slight wobble in his tone (he's always been an open book), "right, of course, um. do you want to -- maybe we could catch up, later?" nor can he quite help the note of hopefulness in his tone -- embarrassed and awkward he drops his gaze, anticipating rejection for some reason already.

He hadn't expected that; he wouldn't have excused himself so abruptly, perhaps, if he had expected anything other than indifference. But again— again, as he always did, he had judged wrong. Yeah, It slipped from him without further thought, his eyes finding Delight now. Alarian offered a hesitant smile. That would be nice— you can find me anytime you want, you know. I mean, um, I'm mostly always here.
Now he was just being dumb. Okay, Ali, time to go— god, maybe he didn't regret saying he had to leave. Alright, I'll um— see you soon, I hope? That was worse. He fled.