Ankyra Sound the long way round

Eljay had never visited the ocean. The biggest body of water he'd seen was the large lake further down south (or was it Lake Rodney that was the biggest one?) but as he walked up to the coastline he was amazed to see what this was like. By now he had grown thinner; it was showing that he was lacking in sustenance. He'd last eaten a few days ago when he had fished at the lake not far from the scary-looking woods, but now he felt hunger catch up to him again. He was thirsty, too, so when Eljay reached the shoreline he was eager for a drink.

It wasn't as easy, though. There were rolling waves and he leaped back at first as they lapped at his ankles, his hackles raising defensively. Eljay woofed at the water, but it did nothing in return. He then nervously took another step forward and closed his eyes tight as the water lapped at his ankles again, this time engulfing his paws with water. Nothing bad happened though and Eljay lowered his head to drink.

As quickly as he'd lapped the water up he spit it out again though, since the water tasted very bad — yuck!

On her way back along the coastline, Wildfire pondered whether it would be reasonable to make a trip down to visit the caldera. She knew her parents were no longer there but she wanted to check in with her godparents and whoever else might still call the place home these days. Surely the latest batch of Firebirds would still be there, old enough now to come to the borders to meet her. As soon as she got home, she would have to consult with the commander about arranging the trip.

As she passed by the sound, Wildfire decided to take a quick detour to visit the Hyperion tree. But even as she stepped away from the sands toward the woods, she did a double take. There was a gray wolf fidgeting near the surf, its back toward her. Wildfire's mouth fell ajar as she noticed that telltale black stripe. Aunt Flea? she thought, wondering at the serendipitous timing. She began to gallop toward the wolf, disbelief mingling with hope.

When she reached the wolf, she gaped. "Eljay, is that you?" she exclaimed. Not only was it crazy to see him here, so far from home, but he looked like a wreck. "What happened?" Wildfire gasped, moving closer and touching her nose to the side of his skinny neck.

Eljay looked around for anything to get the yucky taste off his tongue. The sand didn't look too tasty either and there were a few shells littered along the sands but Eljay didn't think it'd be too smart to lick those, either. They'd probably be equally salty if they had been laying in the strange lapping water for so long.

When a voice sounded behind him Eljay jumped up and turned around mid-jump. He landed with tail tucked and a startled expression on his face, but his body language instantly relaxed when he saw who was in front of him. Was that... ".. Wiffle?" His voice was laced with the same disbelief that she had portrayed. Somehow, the fact that she lived elsewhere in the area hadn't really become a match in Eljay's brain with the fact he might run into her while exploring said area. In Eljay's mind, he'd left home and he was out in the wild with no one he knew even remotely near.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, blinking wildly while he tried to process Wildfire's appearance here. Then her question got through to him and he felt suddenly ashamed and caught off guard. "I had to leave..." The way he spoke almost implied that he was sent out or that something really bad happened; that there was no choice even if he would've preferred it otherwise. "I just... Lagan was so great with the pups and I knew they didn't need me anymore and I was just in the way all the time and most of the time pups leave when they get older and Liffey left too so I thought that it'd be better for the pack and for mommy and daddy and for everyone if I just..." Eljay took a couple of rapid breaths after he finished speaking as he felt panic creep up on him again. He hadn't meant to pour out all of his pain to Wildfire. He rather would've heard about her life and how well she was probably doing. But it somehow had just happened.

"I live here," she replied automatically, mouth still ajar as she regarded her cousin. Her chestnut eyes widened when he explained that he'd done the unthinkable: left the caldera. Wildfire didn't interrupt him as he rushed through a disjointed explanation. It took her a moment to piece together the details—Lagan and Liffey were the newest Blackthorns, if memory served, and the pups in question must be her very own brothers and sisters—but even as everything clicked in her head, she moved forward slowly and made a soothing noise close to his ear.

"You left the caldera?" she asked, even though the answer was pretty clear. It was just so unprecedented that she was having trouble wrapping her head around it. "Is everything okay there—aside from...?" She didn't mean to downplay his troubles. Wildfire just wanted to be sure that something terrible hadn't happened to prompt his departure. It didn't sound like it, though. It sounded like a bit of a personal crisis.

"Where are you going?" she pressed next, now eyeballing him critically. "Eljay, you need food and shelter. You need a pack." Although they hadn't seen one another in a long time, Wildfire cared for him dearly. And if his current appearance was anything to go by, he wouldn't last long if left to his own devices. Having suffered enough losses lately, Wildfire felt a bolt of dread shoot through her at the idea of her cousin joining the growing pile of bodies.

It seemed such a crazy idea that Wildfire lived out here. He remembered fondly all the trips they had made in the Caldera before she had eventually left the place, and wished sometimes that they could just go back to those simpler times. Eljay broke a little when Wildfire made a soothing sound by his ear — he just wanted to crumble into her at that moment, and it took a lot of willpower to stay strong.

He nodded inbetween rapid, panicked breaths as Wildfire asked him for confirmation that he'd really left. "I had to," he reiterated, just in case she'd missed that part. When she asked if everything was okay he was quick to nod. The fact that they were totally fine was exactly what his problem was. "Yes — yes, they're — everyone's fine." He nodded rapidly just in case that hadn't come across.

At her next question, his eyes shimmered with panic. That was exactly his problem. He didn't know what he was doing. Where was he going? "I have no idea!" He was hungry and unkempt and he was afraid he was going to die out here if he didn't find any place soon. But if he couldn't even take care of himself, then how was he ever going to fit into any pack that wasn't his overbearing relatives? "I know," he said with an unhappy expression on his face, "But I can't even take care of myself, how is anyone gonna want me in their pack?!"

Her question seemed to panic him and Wildfire clucked comfortingly, a habit she had come by as a new mother. She chewed on the inside of her cheek as she regarded him, trying to see how he might look through another's eyes, such as the commander's. Would Thuringwethil take in someone who looked like such a mess? Someone who thought he had nothing to offer? Wildfire wanted to offer him a home but it wasn't her choice alone. It really wasn't her choice at all anymore, not since stepping down from Hedonakru... although she was still an ambassador at heart.

"Eljay," she said calmly, trying to get him to do the same. She waited a beat, then continued, "Wolves really aren't meant to take care of themselves. We're social creatures who rely on a pack to support us. If you're not going to return to the caldera, you need to find somewhere else to stay." Wildfire trailed off for a second before saying truthfully, "We may have room for you in Drageda but my mate, the leader, she'll want to be sure you have something to contribute. You're good with kids, right? That's something. What about guarding? Or hunting?"

When Wildfire made comforting noises, all Eljay wanted was to melt into her touch. But he knew he should focus on the conversation because the way she spoke sounded like it was very important that he listen carefully. He tried to shun the panic, for now, so that he could focus on her words, and nodded after everything she said.

"I dunno, I'm... sort of good with pups, I guess -- I mean, that's what I did at the Caldera... I'm not very good at guarding, hunting is... I can do it, but I'm not very good at small things or leading a big thing, but if someone tells me what to do in a big hunt I can do it." Even though it was hardly self-praising or arrogant, it was about the most Eljay had ever done to praise himself.

Although there were plenty of responsible adults in the ranks who could look after the pups, none were likely as experienced as Eljay. Wildfire thought of her children, who didn't need supervision now so much as guidance. They were growing fast but there was so much to learn. Perhaps Eljay could help mentor them.

It was also heartening to hear that he was handy when it came to group hunts. Not all wolves were cut out for leadership roles—herself included, to be honest—so Wildfire hardly considered that part a problem. As she'd just said, being a wolf was about being part of a pack. Everyone worked together for the greater good and she knew Eljay could not only survive but thrive here.

"I'd like you to consider staying with me in Drageda," she said. "In exchange for food, shelter and the protection of the pack, I'd like you to help look after the pups—including three of my own—and helping with hunts. Does that sound doable?" If he agreed, she would either call the commander directly or escort him to the borders to locate her mate there. Only she could pass final judgment on Eljay, although Wildfire would certainly vouch for her cousin.

Eljay blinked as Wildfire suggested that he could stay with her in her pack. Somehow he hadn't considered that she could be in a pack that he could stay at. Wildfire was... Well, she lived somewhere, in some pack, and she'd mentioned that pack was nearby, but to think that he was good enough to stay there? Eljay bit his lip, feeling insecure at the thought of having to convince some wolf that he was good enough for their pack.

"Maybe," he murmured, "I... Do you think they'll — your pack — they'll want me..?" Eljay wanted very much to not die out here in the wilds, and he knew he couldn't take care of himself all alone that long... But he wondered if he'd become better by staying at Wildfire's pack, who would care for him maybe like she used to, who'd provide a same sort of safety like mommy had when what he needed was to grow up and just be normal.

In truth, Eljay felt a lot like a fraud trying to join any pack. He didn't feel he was very good at a lot of things required, so to try and convince them he was was a lot like lying.

Her first instinct was to assure him that everyone in Drageda would welcome him right off the bat. But she would be doing both Eljay and the pack a disservice if she wasn't forthright. His acceptance was highly conditional on more than just his relationship to the Feisripa. She could and would vouch for him but it came down to what Eljay himself could contribute.

Patiently, she explained, "That's why I asked you about your skills. If you can pull your weight, we'll want to have you. But you have to be able to do that." Her chestnut eyes were gentle as they bored into him, trying to convey the weight of the matter. "Do you think you can promise that? I know you've struggled with confidence, Eljay, but I think you have a lot to offer. You just need to be aware of your own assets and make sure to put them out there."

From the way that Wildfire spoke, Eljay knew that it was serious and that he needed to really try, and hard. But he still felt like a fraud and he was afraid that he would be making false promises. He supposed he could promise and if they didn't think he pulled his weight enough, then what would it matter? They'd kick him out and he'd be back where he was now, sort of... But still, he'd feel bad lying to them and he was afraid that they would ask things he couldn't provide.

"I... I can try," he mumbled, sounding flustered. His breathing was a bit faster and he looked away, subconsciously licking his lips nervously and submissively while he tried to gather his cool. "I don't... How do I know when I'm, uhm, pulling enough weight..?" Eljay could promise and he could try, but he'd feel forever nervous that he wasn't actually pulling the weight they required. What if it wasn't enough and his promises were doomed to fail?

"We'll tell you if you're not doing enough," she assured him, which probably wasn't that reassuring. Wildfire kept reminding herself to treat Eljay as objectively as any other fresh recruit, even though her heart wanted to reach out to him. "We'll also let you know ways you can improve your skills or maybe pursue others, based on what the pack's needs are," she added.

"I'm going to call the commander. You can address her as Heda." Wildfire's tail twitched and she sent up a low howl for @Thuringwethil, requesting the leader's presence at the borders. "Come on, we'll meet her there," the Feisripa said, motioning for Eljay to follow her away from the sound and toward the sea cliffs Drageda called home.

She has @Artaax tugging on the other end of the stick in her mouth when she ears the call, ears swiveling to attention. She waits until her son gears up for one big tug for her to let go, sending him stumbling back with a smile across her muzzle. She ends their little play session and has him stay back as she turns tail to address the call by her made. With no noticeable distress behind the summons, Thuringwethil does not rush more than her usual trot until she comes upon the borders.

When she sees her familiar flame coming up from the sound, she lightens a little but it is clouded quickly as another comes into view. Her eyes dart in his less than impressive direction to size him up and what purpose he has being so close to Wildfire. Her jaw tightens, posture stiffens, and her expression turns cold as she looks back to her mate for answers.

There were a million more things that Eljay wanted to ask Wildfire before he was ready to face her Alpha, because he hadn't a clue how to behave around an Alpha that wasn't his family. He opened his mouth but Wildfire kept reassuring him (sort of, kind of, well — she tried) and then she said she was going to call for her commander, whom he should call 'Heda'. Feeling like he was being dragged away by a current Eljay numbly fell in step beside Wildfire and followed in utter silence, looking nervous while he tried to control his breathing.

Upon their arrival at the borders he saw another wolf was already there, and judging from her dominant posture Eljay guessed she was the 'Heda'. Even as he walked up to the borders his tail was tucked tightly and head held low. Eljay licked his lips submissively and looked at her only from the corners of his eyes, head low so that he would not look directly at her. "H-hello, Heda," he said, stumbling over the first few words after the silence of their walk; "I'm Eljay." He looked at Wildfire with desperate eyes, not sure what he should say next. 'I want to join your pack', or 'I can help in your pack' or 'Please please please accept me or I'm going to die out here in the wilds' — there were many possibilities but Eljay wasn't quite sure what he should say to not appear like a major loser. Desperate eyes were focussed on Wildfire, hoping she would provide context.

When the commander met them near the outskirts of the territory, she looked none too pleased, particularly when she took in the stranger at Wildfire's flank. The Feisripa shot Thuringwethil a quick smile and then moved forward to nudge her under the chin. She took a step back then, prepared to introduce her relative, when he spoke up for himself.

"He's my cousin, from Redhawk Caldera," Wildfire added. "The pack's growing, so he left to make his own way." That was one way to put it, anyway. "I told him I thought we could use some of his skills here in Drageda." She almost began listing them off herself but, instead, she pressed her lips together and glanced at Eljay, silently encouraging him to present his own assets.

The stranger greets her first and he gets a single look if only to acknowledge she heard him speak. She gives him nothing else before she looks back to Wildfire who then explains the connection between the two and the purpose she has brought him here. She explains his predicament—something that doesn’t make sense to her—and has offered him a spot in Drageda that she may not have to give him. “Skills?” she asks, flattening her tone to hide any sign of emotion.

Eljay felt incredibly nervous. His eyes shimmered to mirror the emotion he felt and he chewed his lip absently, afraid for the outcome. All of this meeting, to Eljay, was just trying to avoid having a panic attack, avoid hyperventilation, avoid crying. He shuffled his paws, shifting his weight, tail still tucked and head lowered even further, as though more submission would somehow give him a more positive outlook in the Heda's eyes.

She demanded his skills after what Wildfire had said, and Eljay quickly listed them, his voice trembling: "I watched my siblings and cousins when they were little, I... I'm not good at hunting small things or leading a hunt but I can follow commands." He paused a brief moment before he added, "A-and I have an interest in uhm — I've learned some things about — about delivering pups." He looked away nervously, hoping that the Heda wouldn't think it weird that he knew about such things. He felt he'd failed greatly in that area, because Fox had died during childbirth and he hadn't been there to prevent it, and mommy had almost died last year too, but he decided not to tell, although he felt very guilty about that.

Wildfire stayed silent through the exchange, biting her lip when tempted to explain Eljay's nervous stutter to her mate. When he finished stumbling through his list of skills, she simply added, "I can vouch for his skills. He'd be a particularly good asset as a sitter. I wouldn't have brought him to you if I didn't think he'd carry his weight." The "but" was heavily implied: but I know it's your decision.

She inhaled quietly and stood there, wondering what her mate was thinking. The leader's expression was inscrutable. It was entirely possible she would judge a book by its cover and turn him away. There wouldn't be much Wildfire could do at that point and she tried to prepare herself for the possibility. But the Heda had taken in stray pups before and Eljay was the Feisripa's family, so it was possible the commander might give him a chance.

If Wildfire has no objections, you can write Thur off -- if so, then I'll rely again.

He speaks even if she had not addressed him and it takes effort to look in his direction as he stumbles over his words. Nothing sticks out to her that he will be useful aside from obedience when clearly his loyalty is swayed by the size of one pack. Her jaw sets, clenching to hide back the words she really wants to say as her mate puts her in a difficult position. They don't need any extra hands with the children, as far as she's concerned, and he doesn't seem favorable enough to even allow him near her own.

"Drageda is not small," she says after a moment, "I do not have room for wolves that cannot handle growth."

Thuringwethil looks to him again and finds nothing of use but the weight of her mate causes her hesitance. She opens her mouth to speak again but nothing comes as she sorts through what she really wants to say. The last thing she needs is sway on decision from someone outside her council but she knows it'll lead her into a headache. For a moment, she sucks in a breath and holds it there, rolling her answer over in her head.

"He stays on the outskirts until he proves himself," she says with a pause. It is far more than what she prefers to give and a lot less than she'd offer anyone coming to her claim. "He is not to be around the children until I say otherwise." Thuringwethil gives him one more look of stern warning before resting on her mate should she object.

Emotion-filled eyes lingered pleadingly on the Heda, but she seemed unswayable. He hadn't left because of the size of Redhawk Caldera, of course, and looking at how miserably he was failing, Eljay thought maybe he shouldn't have left at all. Of course no other pack wanted him. But the fact that he couldn't find another pack that wanted him in their midst only confirmed that he couldn't and shouldn't be with Redhawk Caldera, either. If that meant that he should starve out here in the wilds, then so be it... But he couldn't keep stealing from the Caldera by being in the way around every corner. Then he would rather be dead.

While he thought of all of this, death was still not a very pleasing subject and the fact it would be caused by his own failure only added onto this. He looked at Wildfire pleadingly, wishing that there were anything more that she could do, but she was only a follower in this pack too, he thought, so it seemed there wasn't much more that could be done.

And with the terms of the acceptance laid down, Eljay knew he could never fulfil them. It was like asking a fish to climb a tree to ask him to prove himself while being outside of the pack and away from every single thing he could prove useful in. He wouldn't be able to hunt in the group hunts and he'd not be around the pups or anyone that was pregnant either to assist them.

His heart sank to his toes and he looked at Wildfire while his breath came out in rapid squeezes. He tried to stave off the panic attack for as long as he could, at least until the Heda went away. The moment seemed to last an eternity, and he couldn't wait until she was gone so that he could fully let the gravity of his predicament settle in and break down.

Objectively, Wildfire knew the her mate's commands were reasonable and fair. She did feel a strong twinge of pity for Eljay, though. It would be difficult to prove himself—his particular skills, especially—when relegated to the outskirts. But there were things he could do to try and win over the Heda. Wildfire could appeal to her too, in the meantime.

She said nothing when Thuringwethil looked at her. She blinked under the weight of that stern gaze, wishing the commander valued her word and her judgment when it came to recruitment. She couldn't really blame her mate, though, not when Eljay looked and behaved the way he did. To an outsider, he must look like a real wreck.

When the commander strode away to resume her other duties, Wildfire swallowed a sigh and turned to face Eljay. Her eyes widened as he proceeded to break down right there on the borders. The Feisripa shot a shrewd glance toward her mate's retreating figure—she was already out of view, thankfully—then furrowed her brow and sat next to Eljay.

"Eljay, I want to help you. But it's in your hands now. You've got to help yourself," she said to him quietly. "You have to pull yourself together. Life outside the caldera is going to be harder, because you don't have the benefit of being among blood family." Wildfire paused. "But I meant what I said to Heda. I think you've got it in you to do well here. You're the only thing holding you back." After those words came out of her mouth, she flinched, realizing they sounded rather harsh. It was the truth, though. Eljay's biggest obstacle in life was Eljay.

As soon as the Heda was out of sight, Eljay prettty much broke into a million pieces. All the tension came out from the moment before. Not even all of it was heartbreak; some of it was just the tension of the situation, too, and relief to have done it without breaking down, even if he hadn't made a very good impression. It was something, at least, but that, too, needed to come out. He sobbed and leaned against Wildfire, pretty certain that he was never going to find a home that he would be allowed to settle in. If even Wiffle's pack wouldn't have him, where he had family, where he had someone who actually recommended him...

It was terrifying that she told him that he needed to take care of himself and that it was all in his hands. He wasn't sure he believed that he had what it took, and for the first time, it wasn't even that he thought he was completely miserable at everything... He just knew for sure that he was completely miserable at everything that he could really do when he wasn't even allowed inside the pack territories. He couldn't watch the pups, he couldn't hang out with the pups, he couldn't hunt in big hunts... Essentially, he felt that he had been asked to succeed as a loner before being allowed into the pack, and so far he had been miserable at being a loner.

"But how am I ever going to c-convince her?" he asked with desperation in his eyes. "You saw the way she looked at me, she doesn't think I'm any good at all, and — and all the things I'm good at are in a pack, and all the things I'm terrible at are outside a pack, which is where I have to be!" Eljay looked at Wildfire pleadingly, hoping that she would have some way of getting him in, some advice that he could take, or just... Well, anything, really.

She let him vent, lips pursed. Even when he finished, Wildfire didn't immediately say anything. She thought over everything that had happened in the past half an hour and tried to balance objective facts with her desire to help Eljay. She realized that perhaps Drageda wasn't the best fit, despite how much she wanted to give Eljay a future here.

"You could come up with games, projects, strategies," she said at length, "or..." Wildfire paused, then sighed. "I wish I knew more about the other packs around here, because maybe I'd know where to redirect you. I'm not sure if other packs might take you in more readily. But if you don't think you'll be able to do what Heda asked, you need to find someplace else."

She looked at him, chestnut eyes both apologetic and sympathetic. "I'm sorry I can't do more for you, Eljay." Wildfire didn't know what else to say; she'd said and done everything she could. And although the entire point was that he needed to find a pack to help support him, he needed to help himself first. His fate rested in his own hands.

Eljay frowned as he looked at Wildfire pleadingly, wishing that she could come up with some way that he could be accepted into the pack. Maybe she could help him, he thought, but then he was afraid to ask such a thing of her. They hadn't seen each other in a while and the whole point was that he should stop bothering his relatives, rather than pestering them to cash in favours to get him accepted into their packs.

Above all else, Eljay was afraid; not of failing, not of dying, even... He was afraid because he wasn't afraid to die at all, and that made it feel like he just would, which was somehow terrifying even though he wasn't afraid of it — he didn't really understand how that all worked, but it somehow did and it was terrifying.

Pretty soon Wildfire started about other packs, which brought Eljay off-guard. He thought that she thought his chances were decent enough, that he could prove himself and that she thought he could do it, but just as soon as she'd said he was great she said he might have to look for another pack. Maybe she was realising that he just wasn't any good for hers... And that made him realise that he shouldn't join any pack. He'd just end up like he was at the Caldera. A bother.

All the while he was silent, but the emotions on his face spoke volumes. If even soft-spoken, sweet Wiffle who'd played with him when he was a pup had no faith in him, then what was the point? He knew he needed to try, but he didn't think he'd ever succeed. "I'll try," he murmured, feeling like he could explode any moment and thinking that maybe it would be better if he was alone that time. He'd bothered Wiffle enough.

That's all he could do: try, and try hard. Wildfire's tongue kept pressing against her teeth, yet there wasn't much left to say unless she wanted to repeat herself. She sighed softly and offered Eljay a comforting nuzzle before slowly getting ready to depart. She had been gone for hours and it was past time to check in with her kids.

"Call for me if I can help in any way," she said. As she turned, a thought struck her and she looked over her shoulder. "I'd really love for you to meet Artaax, Blixen and Robin sometime." Maybe that thought would motivate him. Wildfire offered him a last and somewhat pinched smile, then faced forward and returned to Drageda.