Broken Boulder peel back your skin and try to forget how it feels

forward-dated to tomorrow (the 17th) just after this thread; paging @Delight & @Ulf since I owe yall a thread that I totally didn't forget about & this is a good opportunity

Lily was gone. He had never thought— well, ha. It didn't matter what he thought, did it? She had left. Alarian felt oddly empty; it was a different feeling than when Lennon had disappeared. Colder, somehow, to have watched her walk away. Wasn't closure supposed to feel better?
He needed to find Delight. The thought of facing Eris right now was too much— surely she would blame him, be furious with him for driving away their friend. And who else could he talk to about it? But Queenie had just given birth; Alarian was certain he would be spending time with her and the children. So he waited, and he paced anxiously until he could catch Delight alone. However long that took.

miiinor pp? lmk if its not ok~

there were three of them, three tiny, spotted things, and they were perfect. after weeks of feeling nothing but numbness, peppered by bright spots of anxiety, delight isn't sure what to do with the waves of emotion currently rolling through him, too big to grasp. 

he sticks close throughout the night, watching them, but pulls away in the morning to give himself -- and queenie -- a breather to process. those waves of emotion crest beneath his feet, slipping too fast to settle. it makes him feel on edge, a wire about to snap. when he sees alarian the impulsive urge to flee takes him: he fights it, feeling his legs tremble as he allows the governor to approach him, though he can't offer much more than a weak "hi."

When he finally found his friend, his approach was slow; almost as reluctant as Delight was to allow it. In his panic, he had momentarily forgotten his newest Weird Delight-Related Feelings. He remembered now, halting perhaps a bit further back than he might have normally. After the birth, Alarian had been freed of any doubts he had carried regarding the children's paternity. And that— that was, unexpectedly, almost painfully uncomfortable to accept. Looking at him now, suddenly he didn't want to talk about Lily— actually, no, suddenly he didn't want to talk to Delight at all, about anything.
Hey, Alarian managed to keep his own voice passive, his expression neutral, swallowing back the words he had been so ready to spill. He found that he wasn't ready in the slightest, now; he could smell the puppies on Delight, faintly, and something ugly twisted in his chest. How are— how is everything?
There was genuine concern in the question, if muted by his stormy thoughts. He noted the slight tremble of his friend's legs, whatever that expression on his face was— and half-hoped it was something bigger than what he was dealing with now. Only half, because that could mean it was worse, and none of them needed that kind of distraction. And, well, he didn't know what he'd do if— okay, Ali, we're not going there.

the air between them is settled wrong. not bad, not really, something he can't quite figure out, as if someone'd gone into his house and moved all the furniture an inch to the right. normally it's the sort of thing delight would dwell on (obsess over, some would say), but, well. he's got three other things on his mind right now.

"good," delight says, finding his voice after an awkward pause. he clears his throat, offering a shy smile. "they're -- um, yeah. thank you for helping. i had no idea what i was doing," he admits, as if it wasn't obvious to every single person there. the initial wobbling has passed as he climbs onto steadier ground internally, bringing his focus back from the vastness of everything to this moment, to alarian. a little more life returns to his moony gaze. "i appreciate you," the chancellor says, embarrassedly only slightly by his phrasing but damn it he's going to be sincere here. he just had kid's, he's allowed!

If any one thing defined their friendship in Alarian's mind, it was this: Delight's seeming inability to allow him his selfish, bitter thoughts, and his suspiciously flawless method of pulling him from them when they spoke. Wherever he tried to detach himself, his friend seemed to follow with glue and persistence. Maybe it was only because they had to be on good terms, technically, and—
I appreciate you. Whatever he had been thinking, he wasn't anymore. He didn't mean it that way, he snapped at himself immediately— and wondered why he wished it wasn't true, and why he was always the last to know these things about himself. He glanced away from Delight to blink away unexpected moisture in his eyes. Not that it mattered— not that someone like Delight would ever look at him that way— and haha, oh yeah, kids. Queenie. What even was Queenie to him? Did that matter, now? Three words and he was a mess; only Delight could do that.

You're welcome, Alarian managed, voice a little thick. When his gaze did return to his friend, he didn't bother to hide whatever emotion he was feeling right now. He wasn't quite sure what it was. He wasn't quite sure he wanted to know. Delight, I— A million endings crumbled quietly from where his voice broke, cut off by a sharp rise of emotion. He looked away again.
And remembered.
Lily is gone, The words tumbled from him after what seemed like forever, tone far different now. Panicked. She left. We had an argument— He paused, swallowing hard. It's my fault.

as always, delight is utterly oblivious to the affect he has on those around him, for better or worse. he peers at alarian intently, smiling a little when he accepts delight's gratitude. the smile fades slightly as he begins to speak again, stumbling, and then gives way to a concerned line entirely as alarian reveals lily's depature. oh, poor alarian. delight and lily hadn't really -- interacted, ever; he hardly knows the girl. but he knows alarian and her were close -- and he knows what it feels like to lose people.

he finds himself moving closer, pressing his nose to alarian's cheek in a brief comforting gesture. "what did you argue about?" the chancellor asks, pulling away to watch his face with a soft, empathetic expression. obviously being that alarian's his friend and lily isn't, he's already on alarian's side -- but maybe it's not as bad as alarian thinks. he hopes.

The touch to his cheek was unexpected; all he could do for a moment was blink once and stare dumbly, too exhausted to tuck it away immediately and too raw from Lily to say something stupid. At Delight's question, he swallowed hard, pausing for another few beats. He couldn't lie— but he was certain the truth would damage their friendship, that Delight would not see him the same way after hearing it.
After Lennon left, I— withdrew, He began, trying to pretend saying his name didn't hurt anymore. And then— then I found out about my mother, and there was... other bad news, too, from home. About my family. So I withdrew more, and— she was hurt by it, I think. We had an argument after I got back with you and Queenie— I tried to tell her it wasn't her, but— I don't know. I guess she didn't believe me. I went to see her today, to make things right, and she—

His voice broke, then, and he glanced down for a moment to pull himself together. Or, try. When he looked up again, his eyes glistened with unshed tears. She said it was okay, but I could tell she was lying— and then she was yelling— and then she was crying, and she said she didn't feel wanted— or like she belonged, or something,
At this point, bitterness began to tinge his tone. I don't get it— everyone likes her, and she can't just... let me be dysfunctional in peace. She had to go and leave over it— He stopped again, swallowing hard as the first of the tears began to spill over.

he listens in his careful, measured way, that sharp mind of his committed to preserving details, stitching together patterns, looking for the implications in alarian's sentences. not that he needs to look too hard, here: from what he's been told, delight's already gathered that his friend's former life was not... easy. he doesn't need more details than that (wouldn't dare ask).

but lily is a new part of the equation. it occurs to him that he does not really know alarian's relationship with anyone here. lanawyn -- eris' brother, yes, and there is the presence of lennon's absence (perhaps he's more sensitive to it than most, having gone through similiar with mato --)

but the rest of them, those who must have been here since the beginning, who are they to alarian? and lily -- who says she didn't feel wanted. when the governor begins to cry delight steps closer, not touching but offering his shoulder if the other so chooses, wanting to spare him from staring into his grief for too long. he chews his thoughts for a moment, and then delicately asks, "were you and lily...?" leaving the sentence half spoken. otherwise -- her reaction seems so strange, based on what he's been told (although she does seem... a little short tempered, perhaps.)

Touch came easily to Alarian in most situations— it was a simple thing, the most basic form of communication granted, and really he didn't mind it at all. Except— oh god— except right now. Right now it was absolutely not okay, but when Delight stepped closer, he couldn't help leaning slightly into the offered shoulder. Nervousness instantly stemmed the flow of tears; all he could focus on was the warmth of their mingling fur.
For a few blissful moments, anyway. He pulled back with an expression of shock and bewilderment— and some amusement. Lily? No— no, no, definitely not— I'm gay as hell, and she was— into Lennon, I'm pretty sure... He frowned slightly, thoughtful for a couple beats; he had never seen much of the two together, but it certainly seemed that way. Then his focus turned back to Delight, still rather confused. Why?

alarian seems to find comfort in his embrace -- frankly, to delight's immense relief. he's never been good at handling crying. of course, he's not very good at handling any display of intense emotion, and the shocked look on his friend's face throws him equally for a loop until he begins to speak. was his question that off base --?

oh. maybe not. he quirks an eyebrow, wondering if he's wandered into a strange reversal of his own love triangle. "she said she didn't feel wanted," delight explains quietly, "but you said everyone likes her -- so it seems to me that maybe she meant she didn't feel wanted by you." and of course, no, that doesn't have to be romantic, but, well, in delight's (admittedly limited) world view, it tends to be -- and alarian is.. cute, and delight could see how someone could theoretically be into him. theoretically. awkwardly he adds, "i'm probably wrong, though. and i'm gay too," unsure why he suddenly feels the need to clarify -- it's not as if alarian doesn't know, they've talked about mato, but -- well, the children, and queenie, and -- it's just important that he doesn't have the wrong idea for some reason.

He sighed slightly, accepting the explanation with a frown. That's weird, A pause— Not— that you're gay. That's not weird. The Lily thing— I can't see it. It's so... weird.
It was, honestly. He'd never thought of her as being... into him. God that sounded weird. Delight was probably wrong. Probably. Even if I was into women— we'd be terrible together, There was no small amount of dry, self-deprecating humor to his tone. She's well-adjusted, and she likes to talk about feelings, and not— push people away. None of those things applied to him, unfortunately.

Another sigh escaped him, gaze drifting to the ground. Something registered belatedly— 'and I'm gay too'. Huh. Was now a bad time to mention he'd been propositioned that way before? Not the best encounter he'd ever had, but hey. Anyway. He was pretty sure Delight didn't mean it like that, but he couldn't help but wonder. Ah, maybe he was just happy to have a gay friend; Alarian could definitely relate to that.
Well, romantic or not, I don't understand women, He decided aloud, meaning every word of it. Oh, he loved the women in his life, but boy did he feel like a dumbshit every time he interacted with them. But if it is romantic, I'm going to— A pause, as he decided what he'd do. Die. Yeah, I'll just give up and die; it's the only solution.

hm. he agrees with alarian (though for more selfish reasons, admittedly), and is happy enough to let it go. 

actually more interesting is the delayed realization that alarian is gay, like full gay, like -- well, like him. it's not as it he's never been around other gay wolves before, he had a boyfriend before the, you know, snow-filled death and all of that. but mato wasn't gay he was just... mato, and -- actually, he hasn't been around too many male wolves at all. 

huh. hm. no, don't think about it.

instead he laughs at alarian's dramatics, tilting his head. "i think i understand women better," he admits softly, offering a smile. "and i'd be pretty sad if you died, so, let's not do that."

700th!

He found that odd— and immediately wondered if he understood men any better than women. Nope. Okay, revision: maybe I don't understand anyone, He offered with a slightly rueful grin. The next statement, he found more interesting— and for some reason, it sort of... felt nice. To hear that someone would be sad if he died— because really, when had he ever been anything but a burden and a fuck-up? Some part of him knew others would mirror the sentiment but, well, they hadn't told him, and Delight had, so only one of these things was currently real to Alarian.
But alright, I'll try not to die— but no promises, Clearly he was joking, but that awful little voice in his head reminded him that it was inevitably going to happen soon— he wasn't bound to last much longer, between his extreme self-destructive tendencies and his psychotic brother. And, with that thought, he suddenly very much wanted to be alone.
Unfortunately, he had someone else to see. Thanks for um, listening to me and dealing with all that. I have to— go tell my sister, I guess, His tone made it clear exactly how much he wanted to do that. I'll see you? Um, soon? Um— thanks again. Ugh, I'm such a wreck.
And on that lovely note, he left to go cry at someone else.