Broken Boulder spin for you like your favorite records used to

for SMLELEp ❤

Something was wrong when he woke up; something he couldn't quite put a name to, though it forced him to his feet nonetheless. For several beats he could only stand and stare at the mess around him, chest tight. It was all wrong— why was it all wrong? He shuffled and nosed uselessly at the plants for a few moments, quickly becoming overwhelmed with the size of the task.
He couldn't fix it. Alarian abandoned the task, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be anywhere else. Anywhere away from all of this mess he couldn't fix. He bolted from his den, heart pounding inexplicably. That overwhelmed him, too; the openness of the land, the danger of running into another, but he couldn't stop himself. Maybe, just maybe if he got far enough from the den— far enough from the others— far enough from any evidence of his failure, he would feel okay.

He couldn't have known that nothing would help. Alarian stopped finally along the creek, close to where the Bracken Woods bordered the Sanctuary. He was reluctant; he wasn't done running. It wasn't like him to stay. But the thought of leaving— he sucked in a breath, settling back on his haunches a few feet away from the creek with tension written throughout his posture and expression. It just wasn't an option anymore, and that was terrifying.

absolutely the rudest

looking back to before the arrival of his children feels like trying to peer into a shapeless void. how did he make it through so many months untethered? he'd thought that it'd began after tindómë fell apart but no -- he hasn't really been okay since... since mato stepped down. it feels like coming out of a bad dream. he can't say he's okay now, not yet, but he's.. anchored in a way he hasn't been before. at least for now.

alarian's been on the back of his mind, too. he hasn't seemed himself -- or from what delight can tell, anyway -- and del's been meaning to seek him out, to talk to him now that he's feeling more like a person again. to apologise (again). 

so he sets out to find the governor, trailing his scent as it curves by his den to the edge of the territory. this raises alarm bells in delight's head that he chooses to ignore for now, finding alarian silhouetted against the tree line. "hey," the androgyne calls out softly, voice too loud in the quiet morning air, "what's up?"

A voice startled him and he looked up, immediately met with grey eyes. Something sharp and white-hot arced through his chest at Delight's greeting; he had been too wrapped up to notice his approach, and was at once overwhelmed by his friend's presence. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to him— the opposite, in fact. He needed the company far too desperately right now, and in this state, could not trust himself. There were a million ways it could go wrong, a million reasons to make some excuse and slip off, a—
Hi, Alarian offered, trying to mask the nervous edge to his voice. He moved to close the remaining distance between them, tail swishing slowly despite the tightness in his lungs. Um, nothing.
He reached desperately for something else to say— and came up blank. Shit, shit, shit, stop being boring— Ummm, what's up with you? Lame. He resisted the urge to look away from his friend, wishing he could sink into the ground right then because there was no way Delight didn't think him dull. Who wouldn't?

and he thought he was bad at hiding how he feels. um nothing um whats up with you. delight tilts his head slightly, one eyebrow raising up, his expression hovering somewhere between concerned and a little amused. "i'm okay, actually," he offers, a slightly self-deprecating edge to his smile, "but i'm more interested in what's up with you." that he seems to have picked a bad moment nonwithstanding -- del had set out with every intention of checking in with his friend, something he hasn't done in a while. reaching out to give him a bump on the shoulder (if alarian allows it), the chancellor says, "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, i just -- thought i should check up on you."

Oh. That was— sweet. Alarian's ears flushed hot at the contact, at his words, gaze averting for a moment; he was unused to anyone checking up on him. He was quiet for a few beats, considering what he could tell his friend. There was a lot to tell— and much of it, he did not want to share. It struck him as odd that he felt inclined to share anything at all, if he was honest with himself.
There's a lot going on, He admitted quietly after a brief silence; saying it out loud felt strange. After a beat, he realized many of his troubles had to do with the fact that his ass was a revolving door lately— best not tell Delight that. He settled for something he wanted to talk about far less. My— my brother is here.

Alarian paused, knowing full well Delight would not know the importance of this immediately. No one would, save those who had been there; he'd never spoken about this before. My older brother— we were close. He... basically raised me because my parents didn't want to, and— something happened with our father. Almost two years ago, now. He tried to kill my brother, and he did kill his boyfriend, so he just— he just left. He left me with him. And now he's back— and it's weird, I don't... I don't know what to do, or how to feel, and there are so many other things to deal with right now.
He sighed, remembering to feel embarrassed. Sorry, that was— well, you did ask.

he half expects alarian to clam up. his friend has always struck him a the reticent one between the two of them -- at least when it comes to his own feelings about things. delight doesn't mind, and he wouldn't mind now if alarian didn't want to tell him what's --

oh. oh. is that a bad thing? he wracks his brain, trying to recall if alarian'd mentioned anything about a brother, what sort of relationship they might have. he doesn't need to: his friend is explaining for him. quietly he listens, intensity returned to moon-sharp eyes. (for too long now he's lacked that sharp intent in observation -- under more auspicious circumstances, recognizing it's return would be joyful to him). 

when alarian finishes, delight makes a soft noise, agreeing mildly, "i did ask." he falls quiet for a moment, trying to figure out something to say that isn't -- reductive or an empty nicety. for someone who relies so much on others to bolster his fragile ego, he himself struggles at... comfort. but alarian deserves someone who can comfort him. "i don't know what i'd do if someone from -- my former life showed up again," he says, finally, "least of all because i think they're all dead. but -- what i mean is, it makes sense that it's weird. and it sounds like you've been through a lot together, so." awkwardly he lifts one shoulder in a half shrug, letting it fall. "maybe just give it time?"

The sliver of information he was given did not slip by him, but in that moment, he didn't know how to react to it. He wanted to— felt selfish to let 'I think they're all dead' pass by him— but found no energy for it. So he focused on his friend's advice, instead.
Give it time; it sounded so simple. He nodded slightly, mute for a few beats, then— It's weird to think we have time, now, The admission came a little nervously. He glanced down. I spent so long looking for him— most of my life. Honestly, I'd only just moved on— Okay, shitty-feelings-sharing-time was over. Thanks for coming, Delight. See you in about four months.
Thanks, He blurted in the next moment, gaze turning back to Delight. It was easier to— focus on him than... that. It hadn't escaped his notice that his friend seemed to struggle with Alarian's feelings as much as he did himself; when he dared expose them, anyway. It was just— difficult to step back enough, when he'd reached that point, to accommodate his friend's comfort zone. It didn't escape him that Delight tried anyway, either.
I uh— Alarian swallowed hard, realizing at once that he didn't know how to express his thoughts without— being too much. He was always too much. He recalled, then, words that had set his heart off-beat; words he was certain were safe. I appreciate you.

haha good old delight habit, slipping a small piece of alarming truth into something without even thinking. since alarian doesn't bring it up, the androgyne doesn't think much of it, instead smiling faintly as he continues the conversation. "yeah," he says, "i think i understand." it's a complicated situation. he wants to push for more information, and opens his mouth even to do so, but is cut off by his friend's thanks.

"oh, you're -" delight starts, and then stops abruptly, going wide-eyed. it's silly -- hadn't he just said those words to alarian not long ago? is that what it feels like to hear them for yourself? unlike his friend, delight has been happily oblivious to the subtext between them -- too busy with queenie and the pregnancy, with tindómë, with his lingering feelings for mato. but he's not a fool. he knows what the fluttering of his heart feels like.

it just.. can't happen. "thanks," he murmurs, masking shyness with distance. this is not a repeat of the moment mato and he shared. alarian doesn't -- couldn't! -- feel for him in that way. delight doesn't deserve that. whatever this is, whatever has found a weak spot along his chest to take up residence he will have to cope with on his own, silently, secretly, squash it before it becomes something new.

he can't go through this again.

SOBS OVER DEL

Life was really cruel, wasn't it? He had been watching, of course, too closely to miss the shifts in Delight's expression, one after the other. He'd secretly hoped for such a reaction, and— receiving it made his heart drop. Even as his friend shut down, all Alarian could see was that moment of surprise written across his face. There had been something else, too— something he hadn't expected, but had thought he'd wanted.
He had been wrong.
At once he thought of Queenie, of the pups. In another life, another universe, one in which Delight was not newly a father and/or his baby mama didn't totally hate Alarian's guts, he might have pressed the subject further in his own indirect way. This was not that universe. The children's existence stung to begin with, but to have it waved in his face in so many cruel ways? He couldn't— he couldn't. No— Alarian could never be part of that, wouldn't ever expect to, but he could not give himself to someone so thoroughly claimed (at least for now), either.

Assuming he wasn't misreading the situation entirely. That would have been just like him— but he supposed it didn't matter, in the end. He offered Delight a smile, feeling his own nerves relax in the face of this new hurt. A cruel idea struck him, then; not intentionally cruel, but an idea born of a tendency to put self-preservation above all else. Sorry, Delight.
Ah, what'd you say — 'please tell me more of your problems' ? If you insist, His tone was obviously playful, but as he spoke the smile faded. Actually, I have got this other problem— and no amount of advice is going to fix it, but holy shit I need to tell someone. It wasn't— untrue. In fact, if he were oblivious to what was going on between them, he'd have told Delight much sooner about many related-slash-similar things; there was no one else he could tell, really.

it wouldn't occur to delight that alarian's cruelty is deliberate here -- and it's the sort of cruelty he's used to, the same gentle, well-meant cruelty that mato specialized in. the moment's gone as quickly as he's processed it, replaced by alarian's playfulness, opening up -- something he craves from anyone, frankly -- and of course it's perfectly designed to catch his attention, making him straighten up and chase the last of whatever emotion lingers in his moonsilver eyes. "oh?" the chancellor returns, a slowly-mischevious smile curving his own mouth in mirror, "fortunately for you, i am a significantly better listener than advice-giver. hit me."

His chest tightened at Delight's response, at the pang he felt as he realized all over again how fucking adorable he was. For a beat, he faltered, and considered saying something else entirely; the hesitation strengthened his resolve in the next moment. It was just— if he hadn't misread things, if somehow he'd fooled Delight into thinking he was worth something— it was unfair to his friend. Unfair to saddle him with such a burden, unfair to set him up to be hurt.
He deserved so much better. Someone to match his sharp wit, to make him laugh, and to handle him delicately; someone who would not abandon or burden him, who could bring light to his twin-moon eyes. Alarian was just— too tired, too broken.

Well, He began, glancing slightly away from Delight with his heart in his throat; he kept the emotion from his expression, from his tone, with a meticulousness he hated himself for. There's uh— this guy, Aditya. Part of the pack near us, Morningside; actually, I think um, one of the leaders. He has— had a mate named Dawn. She's one of the leaders too.
Was he really going to do this? We were friends— well, I thought so, but then she cheated on him. And then I found him crying, and angry— and, I don't know, then he was just on top of me and suddenly I was the rebound fuck, and then he ran off. He came and apologized later, and I thought— He snorted bitterly, little humor to the noise as he recalled the events. Well, it doesn't matter what I thought. He told Dawn about me.
Alarian shifted uncomfortably, realizing he'd come to a part he didn't exactly want to share. Oh well. This is what you get for being a little bitch, Ali. And I ran into her, too, yesterday. She... wasn't happy, to say the least. But that doesn't matter as much. I just— You're such a piece of shit, his mind spat at him; at least Delight would know now what kind of mess he'd thought he wanted. The whole thing hurt. I care about him, and I thought he cared, but I guess he didn't— I just feel used and stupid now, I guess.

Oh, and— He added with a humorless laugh, Pack relations are fucked.

for what it's worth, he is a fairly good actor: the smile does not fade from his face until the word fuck and even then his expression slips into something unreadable, appropriately attentive, not at all hurt. because he has no reason to be hurt. of course. it's a lot of information to process at once (thankfully he's pretty good at that, too) but what sticks out is: oh, alarian cheated. or not -- not cheated, but was with the.. cheater? oh this is all very complicated and thank god he'd already decided he didn't have feelings. it's pretty easy when you do that.

also: morningside. he knows morningside. "i know morningside," he says, obviously side-stepping, "they took care of anatha -- the girl who visited -- it's a long story. i can, i can talk to them, probably, smooth things out." 

he's quiet for a moment, ready to -- drop it, make some flimsy excuse and retreat. but he can't without, just, he likes clarity. and the way alarian told the story makes him nervous, so: "with aditya, it wasn't.. i mean, it was -- consensual?" he doesn't want to talk about it he doesn't but he has to be sure of that at least, because if it wasn't, he'd -- well, fuck, probably do nothing, but! -- but. he has to be sure.

del askin the hard questions
we can archive it here if u want!

He shook his head at Delight's offer; he appreciated it, but his friend didn't need to sort out his mess. Still, he could not look at him. The question he asked, though— oh. Alarian paused, suddenly looking rather stricken. He recalled his conversation with Eris, only hours after the fact. 'I said yes.'
Yes? His own voice sounded desperate, uncertain to him, as if he was asking Delight rather than answering him. He swallowed hard, ears flattening. It had been consensual. He didn't— he asked, after he was already— Already on top of me, but he couldn't say the words, and he didn't know why this hurt to answer, why he was so torn between feeling used and violated and wanting Aditya so fiercely it didn't matter. Sometimes he thought back to the encounter and his skin crawled and he felt disgusting and he hated the man; other times, the memory filled him with intense longing, a raw desperate need to be close to him again, to feel like he wasn't worthless.
I said yes, These words came more softly, a crushing wave of self-loathing washing over him as he repeated the words again, again, the way he'd rehearsed them to himself. He'd said yes; Aditya had not forced him. He swallowed again, shifting and rising to his feet and not caring any more that it was obvious what he was doing, obvious why he was preparing to flee. Unbidden, more words spilled from him. I just— didn't really want to, I wouldn't have if—
Alarian cut himself off. But I did. So. Yeah, it was. Sorry, I just— remembered something I have to do. Thanks for listening. I'll um, catch you later. He fled, again.