Sunbeam Lair As he[a righteous man] breaks, so shall it [hell] break

@Takiyok here you go!!!!

Spring was on the horizon, although it wasn’t easy to tell above the tree line. The ground was still thick with snow, and the wind bit bone deep. The sun shove brightly despite the chilly breeze, Siarut could feel the ruffling of his long winter fur. With a deep breath he closed his eyes, listening to the howl as it whipped the side of the mountain.

Siarut loved the beauty of nature, especially after everything that had happened to the man. The earth was something that he could never lose, nor was it something that he could easily hurt. His only constant companion was the soil beneath his feet. Even the season’s changed.

Letting the breath out, he looked over the land, he could see where the snow had melted completely away, and where it still hung on desperately trying to avoid their fate. Once the sight might have made him smile, pleased with the powers of the universe at play. Now though, he hadn’t the strength to grin. He had no strength left with which a happy thought could be conjured. Only darkness was left. And even as the sun continued to climb, Siarut could feel the darkness of his mind creeping up his throat. Suffocating the man from the inside. A panic attack waiting to strike.

Even exhausted and constantly nauseous, Taki still felt the pull to explore. In fact, she possibly felt it even more now, at least at times, as she constantly sought any distraction that could keep her mind from dwelling on how sick she always felt or how much she missed her family. With every week that brought her closer to meeting her children, her longing to see her family again grew. Today, Taki had picked the peak to the north of the lake to explore and had set out on her own to hopefully find some peace. As she climbed higher up the mountain, her thoughts drifted towards this morning when she had caught her reflection in the water and was surprised to see the slight curve to her abdomen; it was a very subtle change, probably only noticed by those who knew her, but she had seen it right away. She had lost some weight over the last couple of weeks as she had been unable to eat a lot of things, but she still expected her larger frame would hide it for longer. She worried slightly about how many babies were actually in there.

She was suddenly pulled from her thoughts by an alarmingly familiar scent. She froze and inspected the scent again, unable to really process it at first. Sia. Had he come back? A wave of many different emotions hit her then, but what was most confusing was how strongly she could feel anger and relief at the same time. Almost unable to believe it to be true, she tracked the scent through the snow until she found him. She froze a short distance away, the swarm of emotions stealing her ability to speak for a few painful moments. Then she drew in a steadying breath.

Sia? The word hung in the air between them as she waited for him to turn.

The voice broke his calm, violently pulling him back to the present. With an uncharacteristic jump he turned to the sound that disturbed him. He wasn’t surprised to see the visage of his sister. His entire family had haunted his flashbacks in the last three months. Taunting him and provoking him. Cursing his very existence.

His heart speed up to match the panic that had been rising in his system, his eyes widened, and he released a shaky breath. As he realized that once again his mind was attacking him, his eye shut forcefully as he tried to stop himself from crying.

“No, no, no!” He murmured to himself, with a head shake trying to dislodge the mounting fear. “Please go away.” Siarut had a desperate edge to his voice as he willed the hallucination to go away.

If he had been in his right mind, the northern man might have noticed the subtle differences between the woman that haunted him and the reality of his true sister standing before him. But the man was clearly not in his right mind.

He jumped and turned when she spoke, looking at her like she wasn't really there before closing his eyes and whispering to himself something she couldn't quite make out; it was all very confusing. Taki took a step forward, opening her mouth to speak, but then his next words halted her steps. Why was he telling her to go away? She was the one who was angry with him. But his words didn't seem angry when she replayed them in her head; there was almost a desperation to them and the way that he stood seemed off. She immediately grew worried and quickly closed the distance between them. Sia, she said again, any hint of anger in her voice now replaced with worry. What's going on? She couldn't think of any reason why he would be acting this way. Fear started to grow in her chest, and her own heart began to beat faster in response. Something was wrong--she could feel it, and she couldn't help the thoughts from racing through her brain as she waited for him to explain.

italics are the voices in his head… hope this makes sense. I am trying to work on my mental health writing. Let me know if anything is confusing.

No matter how much he begged the phantom continued, ignoring his plea. The man hadn’t genuinely hoped that such a tactic would work, crying and begging had never helped before. They always came back. Always.

There was no amount of pleaded that made them stop, no amount of agony that made them pity his existence. Only Cassie had been able to push them away, only Cassie could make him feel better. Only her. But now even she haunted his thoughts, even she lingered in his hallucinations.

As Takiyok pushed forward, Sia stepped back. A harsh sob wrenched from his lungs in his haste, “Please Tak!” He once again firmly shut his eyes, refusing to look at her. His perception shifted, as he pictured her screaming at him. How could you!? “I didn’t mean to! The man answered just as he always did, ”I never meant to hurt you. He cried as his head dropped hanging heavy.

“What’s going on?” His sister asked, a harsh laugh ripped from his mouth, “What’s going on?!” Siarut pinned her with a harsh glare through blood shot eyes, his anger getting the better of him. ‘You’re torturing me Tak. And I don’t know how much more I can take.” He screamed at her! Surely, she could see that this constant pestering, this constant stabbing was going to end him. Surely, she could see the damage that her visiting had on him.
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He recoiled from her, his words begging, but she had no idea what he wanted. His next statement only served to further confuse and worry her. She had no idea what he was talking about; had she not known something was wrong she would have assumed he was apologizing for leaving, but she could tell something else was going on. Then he was laughing in response to her question and accusing her of torturing him, yelling the words at her like she had done something to hurt him. Her ears flattened briefly in response and she took a few more steps towards him. Sia, please she pleaded, tears forming in her fiery eyes. You're scaring me, Taki continued. I don't understand what you're saying, brother. Tears ran freely down her cheeks then, the fear and worry and stupid hormones all mixing together and rendering her unable to stop the wetness falling from her eyes. God she had missed her family so much. Even when she thought she hated Sia, she still missed him. She just wanted her big brother, and what she got instead was a confused mess she didn't even know how to help.

It was like a switch was flipped. Suddenly the world violently tilted, and Sia momentarily lost his balance, and he stumbled. As if the world decided enough was enough and shook the man from his nightmare. For the moment, the universe pitied the man whom had lost everything. For the moment, he was saved from his torture.

His sister, his sweet younger sister stood before him. Tear flooding her magnificent orange gaze, his jaw dropped. She looked worried, and scared, sad even. “Tak?” The hesitation was obvious, the confusion palpable. “Are you — is it really — oh god!” He exclaimed with such great relief. So relieved, his head swam, and he too couldn’t stop the tears that wet his cheeks. Losing his footing entirely, he sat heavily on his hind quarters.

The simple act of happiness exhausted the man so much it took him a moment for his brain to catch up. He was here, sobbing in front of his sister. The sister whom he hadn’t rightly seen in three months. “Takiyok.” Siarut hiccupped, although he avoided looking at her. Unable to deal with the hallucinations that would conjure should he see the face of his greatest guilt.

And just like that, he was different. She watched him cautiously for a few seconds as he finally started to seem more coherent, the tears slowing as relief washed over her. He stumbled a little, but the words that followed were from the real Sia, not whoever that just was yelling at her and confusing her. He almost seemed to fall into a sitting position, and a sigh of relief fell from her lips. She rushed forward and pushed her face into his fur, the tears starting again as his scent filled her nose. It's really me, she said into his coat after a few seconds. She had so many questions, but she kept them to herself for now, afraid any wrong word might send him back into confusion. Instead, she just silently cried into his fur, so thankful to have him back that the anger she had been harboring fell away into the back of her mind to be dealt with later. Taki didn't care about anything else right now.

The weight on his soul was lifted a fraction at the kind embrace of his sister, and he couldn’t the water works that followed. He simply cried into her leaning on her and rested his head atop hers. Time evaporated as brother and sister took comfort from the other.

Slowly, the sniffling stopped and Sia felt embarrassment building alongside his self-loathing. How could he?! Trying to take comfort, when he didn’t deserve it. How dare he beg the torment to stop, how could he try and escape his purgatory. Ashamed, he pulled back slightly. “This isn’t right.” He spoke softly, because she should be angry, she should hate him. She must hate him, that was the only absolute that stuck in his damaged mind. Everyone hated him. Their father, their mother, their sisters, their brothers, Nanook. Everyone. Even he hated himself. It was the only truth he had lived by since his disappearing act.

“Hate me. You have to hate me.” He pressed, not accepting the gift of peace that was being offered to him. Siarut didn’t know what to do with calm, he couldn’t stand the never-ending anticipation. Waiting for his mind to break, for one miss step to lead to oblivion. He couldn’t stand the thrill. The constant flip of his stomach, making eating impossible. And the continuing ringing in his ears, forcing an ice pike into his brain.

“Yell at me! Scream at me!” He practically begged for he violence he craved, the anarchy that only rage could construct. Surely his hot-headed sister could give him that, the craving that he deserved and wanted of so badly.

Neither of them said anything for few minutes, both content to cry and take whatever comfort they could from the embrace. Eventually her tears subsided, though, and his words made her pull back a little, confused at first. Her face fell some when he continued and she began to understand what he meant. She was still so angry with him, and for weeks she had hated him for leaving her here to deal with this mess. All the days she spent searching for their missing family, alone and consumed with grief only further cemented the resentment. Even as her children grew inside her and she found herself missing her family even more than she already did, she still told herself that she hated him. But seeing him here in front of her, she couldn't help but seek comfort from her brother; she would have acted the same even if she wasn't worried about his current state. 

I've been so angry with you, she started, voice quiet and tired. She just didn't have the energy to yell at him, nor did she really want to right now. Where have you been? Taki asked next. I've been searching for everyone, but-- she stopped, ears falling and eyes closing as she turned away. I've only been able to locate our nieces and nephews, she finished, looking to Sia again. I've really needed you, she said, gaze falling once more. but you weren't there. She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence, but her expression said it for her. She didn't know what else to say then, so she fell silent.

You weren’t there to protect us. The silent sentence fell from her shut mouth. The words that slapped him in the face may not have been spoken in the common sense of the word but to him there were all to real.

Green eye’s flashed up looking once again at the woman, but not seeing her, not really seeing her. No instead her frame dissolved into an emaciated version, her cheek bones protruding and eyes sinking deeper into her skull. “I KNOW!” He jittered away, pacing back and forth. His tail twitching, “I messed up so bad Tak. It’s not right. It’s not.” He nodded to himself, think of a way to make it up to her. “I didn’t know what to do! I just wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t say no. And now? Well now it’s to late. This is all wrong. All wrong.” Nervously shaking his head.

“How are they? Tahani and Shivali’s children?” A torrent of speech tumbled out of his mouth, as he words landed in a jumbled order.

Her words seemed to cause him to revert a little to the crazed state he had just came from. It felt good to say those words at first, her months of planning what she would say to him if she ever saw him again finally coming to fruition. But the feeling was fleeting, crushed and swept away by the look on his face and his irrational behavior. This wasn't Sia, and to encumber him with the full force of her resentment right now just seemed too cruel, even for her. She tried to piece together the meaning to his words, but his thoughts seemed to be all over the place. His next question she could answer, though. Currituck is doing well; I found her at a pack on the coast, and she was happy and healthy. Her expression darkened almost immediately as memories of the the Rusalka wolf flooded her mind. Aningan and Tunerk are with a different coastal pack, Taki said first, her tone bitter and angry. The woman who leads the wolves there refused to let me see them, so I have no idea if they are well other than the word offered by the very wolf who wouldn't let me see it with my own eyes. The words flowed from her angrily as she recounted the situation. She could feel the rage building, and the woman's dark face painted her thoughts; she would never forget that face and how she longed to see the life drain from it. She looked away, attempting to control her self before her anger burst from her in the form of unwanted tears. When she spoke again her words were quiet. I don't know where Sos is; I haven't been able to find him anywhere nor have I been able to find Tahani or Shivali. She was beginning to think she would never see them again.

Shock, triggered he man. It didn’t seem like he could catch a break. His family had fallen apart, and it was his fault. His world fell out from underneath him once again, more and more he wished to escape into oblivion. He could feel the pull, the itch beneath his skin. His tail twitched, as Tak continued to speak. Suddenly his negative emotions came to a point, and anger exploded.

“What do you mean!? She wouldn’t LET you?” His voice rage against the wind, “Who the fuck does she think she is?!” He continued his pacing. It was easier to succumb to anger than any other emotion. Just like their father.

Siarut missed what his sister said. Gone was the sane man who was able to read the situation between sentences. He never thought to ask what had happened to cause them to disperse. When the man left, they had been one coherent pack. Turning to look back at his dear sister, his best friend, “They left?” He spoke barely above a whisper, shaking his head in denial, Sia wasn’t able to comprehend that his littermates were gone.

He grew angry again, shouting his question at her and causing her ears to flatten and her brow to crease in concern. She was angry too, but she couldn't help but wonder if maybe she should have kept the stuff about the Rusalka wolf to herself until he seemed more able to handle it. She was about to open her mouth to explain further now that she really had no choice, but his second question made her pause as confusion twisted her expression. What do you mean? she said first. They didn't leave, Sia. Her voice was quiet and heavy with the pain of IkKanattuk's fall. An awful snowstorm ripped the glacier apart and separated me from everyone else. I've been trying to find them, but-- she stopped, unable to continue past the agony of retelling the story; it was why she refused to talk about it. She didn't think she had breathed a word of it since coming back to the mountains after her search along the coast. Mahler and Stigmata knew, of course, and she had since had conversations about returning to the glacier to search for her missing family. She had luckily had Mahler at her side when she went so she hadn't been alone when she found nothing but the decimated remains of what was once their home. But I haven't been able to find any sign of them, Taki continued quietly, gaze lifting to meet Sia's. I'm afraid of what it means, she admitted, finally voicing her fear.

A tightness strangled his chest at Takiyok’s orang gaze. He suddenly felt as if his limbs were not his own, his head swam, and his breath caught in his lungs. A shaking set in, as he lowered himself to the ground, bowing his head his stomach flipped ready to rebel.

They were dead. His mind repeated the sentence over and over. “I—I—” Panic set in, he couldn’t breathe! Looking sharply at his sister, his mouth gaping like a fish, he didn’t know what to do. HE was going to die! After everything, a panic attack was going to do him in.

He began to shake and then slid to the ground, causing fear and concern to flash through her. A few mumbled words came before he appeared to be gasping for breath. Sia? she said, concern twisting her voice. She moved forward, unsure what to do to help him but unable to just watch him struggle. She slid down to the ground in front of him, offering a lick to his cheek. What's happening, brother? she asked next, wanting desperately to understand what was going on with him. She was scared, and on top of all her worry and fear about the rest of her family, it was all beginning to feel too heavy, like it would suffocate her soon if she didn't find some way to put them all back together. She winced against the dull ache in her abdomen that had started to come and go in waves ever since her belly had started to take on its round shape. It soon passed and she turned back to Sia, offering him another lick to his cheek if able but unsure what else to say or do.

His muscles shook with exertion, wound tightly across his bones. His chest in a vice like grip. Closing his eyes, he tried desperately to stop the constant thoughts, the idea that he was going to die overtaking every rational thought in his head. Reverting in on himself, he tried everything to distract himself, until he finally settled on the one place he felt safe.

His battered mind settle into the rocky, icy den from which he and his siblings had been born. The homely smell of their mother, and the comforting bedding she painstakingly kept clean. He could imagine his warm breath clouding the frozen surroundings, and the way the sun peaked through the opening. Despite the frozen ground, he felt warm and loved.

Slowly his breathing came back to normal. Exhausted by the ordeal, he felt more like himself for the first time since encountering Takiyok. His green gaze opened, and he took in his sister who was crouched before him. For the first time, he took note of her form. And realized what he should have seen straight away. To startled and exhausted he tried to process what he should say next.

He seemed to calm after a few agonizing minutes in which she was afraid what would happen next. What had happened to him while he was gone? She was very concerned for her brother, and she was about to insist he follow her back to Diaspora where she could make sure he had a safe place to recover from whatever was going on, but then she saw his eyes drift to her roundness. She was quiet for a few seconds, thinking of the right thing to say. You're going to have more nieces and nephews soon, she finally said, her voice a little hesitant. She wasn't sure if the news would upset him more or help take his mind off things. This certainly hadn't been how she wanted him to find out she was going to be a mother. She honestly hadn't even known if he would ever meet them, so she supposed she was at least glad that now he would hopefully be able to know them, especially since Shivali's children were god knows where. Being a mother was all she had wanted, but the joy was tainted now with disappearance of her family looming over her head. She barely allowed herself to hope that Sia would be around to see her children grow; he definitely wasn't himself, and she was afraid he would leave again. It made her want to protect herself from the pain, but she could never turn Sia away, not even if he had come back whole to the full edge of her fury and resentment.

He slowly nodded, finding the parallels between herself and Shivali. The lack of family, and support. God knows what might have happened to Takiyok in Sia’s absence. A shiver ran along his spine. God what had he done. Shaking his head, he try desperately to cling to the sanity that he had found for just a few more minutes.

“You’re going to make a wonderful mother.” He whispered more to himself than to her, he had learned from his mistakes with Shivali. The sister he had once been so close to and yet had pushed away. He wouldn’t do the same thing with Takiyok. No, this was her life and she had the right to live however she wanted.

He had no doubts that she would make a wonderful mother. And his own lack of skill in the area clawed at his heart. He couldn’t do it! Not again. He couldn’t ruin their lives just as he had Shivali’s children. Slowly he rose, and took a few steps away. It would be easier to leave now, and save his sister the heart ache of his dissent in to madness. To save his family from himself.

Taki watched her brother process the news, wary of his reaction despite herself. When he spoke, his praise washed over her. Even now after everything, she couldn't help but seek his approval. She hadn't even been insecure about her abilities as a mother, but she was glad to hear the words from Sia. 

But then, he stepped back, and she moved forward, her steps tentative. Sia, I want you to come back to Diaspora with me, she said, almost pleading. The father, Stigmata, he leads the pack, and I would feel better if I knew you were where I could make sure you were okay. Her eyes pleaded with him more than her words as she took another step towards him, seeming to sense that he might bolt.

Watching her tentative steps, Siarut looked down at his paws and his gaze travelled out toward the beautiful scenery of their high vantage point. His greatest fear since reuniting with Takiyok was coming true, his heart speed up at the idea of living alongside her once more. Again the similarities between Shivali and Takiyok were drawn.

Siarut shook his head slightly, “I — I can’t Takiyok.” Retreating more quickly, “It’s to dangerous Tak. I’m to dangerous.” If she continued to advance he would retreat just as quickly.

His rejection stung a little, even if it had been for an apparently selfless reason. Still, she was confused. Sia, what do you mean? she asked. You're not a danger to me, she added quickly. Just come back with me and we can work all of this out, she pleaded once more. Then she moved closer, her steps tentative once more. She just wanted to understand what was going on, and she also wanted her brother with her where he belonged. A few more steps brought her closer, and she watched him warily while she waited for his response.

She wanted to know more, to know why he was being this way. To know what she could do for him. He knew that’s what she wanted, because if she had shown up before him this was he too would have wanted to know what was wrong. But he just couldn’t do it. There was so much going on in his head, the idea of being around Takiyok and her pups was just too much.

“I — I’m sorry.” He choked as she tried to get closer. “I just can’t, I’m a danger to everyone. Most especially you!” Stepping back with each step she took forward. He could rely on her, not now, not when she had other lives depending on her. Not when she need to focus on herself. He could feel the anger bubbling under his skin. Barely containing the rage that was building, he couldn’t go off on her. He just couldn’t, he needed to get away.

“I just… I’m sorry.” He whispered once more, he knew this would hurt her. But for the moment it was the only solution he could think of. Turning tail, he ran. He ran from his problems just as he had been from the very beginning.

With every step forward, he retreated even farther. She didn't understand why, all of the sudden, he felt like he was such a danger to her. Then he was apologizing and turning away from her. Before she could say anything, he was running. Sia! she called out, trotting forward a few steps before stopping and watching him run away. She was pregnant, and she couldn't exactly chase him across the wilds, nor was she going to force him to be in her life no matter how much it hurt to see him leave. Tears rolled down her cheeks again as his form disappeared in the distance. She felt helpless and heartbroken as she stood there alone and crying her silent tears. 

She sat there for a while, trying to make sense of everything that had just happened but was still left feeling completely confused. Again, she was so angry with Sia, and she wondered why he couldn't just stay in her life and be there for her like she had always done for him. It made her want to never let anyone close; if her own brother could so easily hurt her so much, then what was stopping everyone else in her life? Whatever. She would persevere like she always did, and she didn't need anyone else, most importantly, she didn't need Sia. 

She turned and headed back towards Diasopra, stopping, despite herself, to cast a worried glance back at the place Sia had disappeared. Then, shaking her head, she turned and headed towards home.