Moonspear I'm Upset

this confrontation wasn't particularly easy ...at least for roarke. admitting his mistakes was far from his favorite thing to do but he realizes that it shows a sign of personal growth on his part; it does not fall beneath his notice that he is not the only one whom has underwent personal growth. vela handles everything with a surprising calmness that perhaps should have worried him more than it did. she accepted his apology and relief blossomed in his chest. it was a slow spreading warmth but it did not entirely relieve the burdensome weight he still feels pressing against his shoulders. he imagined her grim expression mirrored how he felt inside: like they reached an understanding but they still balanced precariously on the edge of a knife. they could teeter and fall either way. it depended all upon them and what unfolded in the coming moments, roarke knows. "i don't know," he replies, hating that he did not have a solid answer for her. he doesn't want to commit himself to vela only to seize up and ghost her; and that was what roarke was good at doing. anyone he started to care about: he ghosted. he told himself it was to protect them but deep down he'd always known it had been his ( cruel ) way of protecting himself. "anyone i ever cared about or started to care about i left," his salmon pink tongue draws across his jowls. "i told myself it was to protect them but it was to protect me." to protect him from feelings that he didn't want to feel. it was easier to not get attached. losing those you are attached to hurts. he remembers how it feels to be scared, starving and alone, calling out helplessly for his mother. it haunts him, and he feels the renewed ache of loss in his chest as he grapples with the remembrance that she is departed from the corporeal world.

"this journey of self discovery hasn't been and isn't easy," he draws in a deep breath, fixating her in his glacial gaze, absently playing connect the dots with her freckles. he loves those freckles, he thinks. "but when is anything in life ever easy?" he asks with a wily grin. more importantly, he thinks, when has he ever backed down from a challenge? "i know what i want. i've always known." the only problem was: did she want the same thing? would she be willing to make sacrifices? still yet, was he willing to make sacrifices? he wasn't sure of the answer to either of those. he wants to be a leader, he wants a pack of his own ...one day; but he realizes that before he can have either of those things he has to figure out himself first and part of coming to the conclusion of who that is stands before him: lovely and resplendent.