Deepwood Weald Realized I can't not be with you

It had been hard to stay away from @Alarian, especially with everything in his being yelling at him to look for his lover so that they could find some way to figure this out. It had been a miserable day, and he had spent it stewing in his anger. The memory of Alarian's last words and the way he had just left kept intruding into his mind, filling him with fresh rejection each time. He thought it was probably a good thing he had not run into anyone, because he wasn't really sure what he would do right now with his rage so close to the surface. 

He made his way back to the den as night fell around him, and he had promised himself he would just wait out the night in there with the hope that his lover would come to his senses and seek him out, but after a few hours, he just couldn't take it anymore; the beast exited the den and went searching for Alarian, hoping he was still somewhere close. He wasn't sure what he would do if found no evidence of his lover anywhere and had to return to the den alone again, but he tried not to think about that, afraid it would make him too angry to be reasonable with the infuriating man. 

Snow fell slowly around him as he searched for the other man's scent, collecting in his raven fur briefly before melting away. Even with the heavy snow fall today, he managed to pick up the scent he had been looking for. Relief filled the beast as he realized just how much he was counting on finding Alarian. He followed the trail, moving as quickly as he could until he saw the familiar grey and tan form in the distance. He stopped when he was a few feet away, violet gaze boring into his lover as he waited to see if he would take off again.

The disastrous morning with Midar has left him shaken. He's isolated himself since leaving their shared den, making sure to avoid his lover especially — just until he can figure things out, he tells himself. But hours have passed, and though he thinks that maybe he knows what he wants now, he feels no better about the situation; if anything, he feels worse. He just can't bring himself to face Midar. Each time he thinks he's ready, each time he starts to turn to find the dark-furred man, he recalls the hurt in his voice when he'd last called his name, and his breath hitches — and then he just can't.
His indecision tears at him for hours, until finally it seems a decision has been made for him. His lover appears, silent and solemn, and Alarian flinches slightly at the suddenness of it. He hadn't noticed his approach initially, and now his heart is suddenly in his throat and his ears are hot with shame. Midar, He says, turning to face him fully and swallowing hard as he takes in the sight of him. He knows what he needs to say, but the words refuse to come. All he can do is stare guiltily, ears falling back against his skull after a moment.

For a few seconds, he only stared at Alarian, torn between wanting to go to him and wanting to demand answers for why he had behaved in such a way. It seemed every time he wanted more from his lover, it always turned into a fight. It was endlessly frustrating and very confusing. But the longer he stood there, the harder it was to keep from closing the distance between them--even when he was furious with the other man, there was still an invisible force pulling at him, urging him to move closer. On top of that, Alarian's guilt was obvious, and it tore at Midar, even if he had been the one to take off. He blew out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, he knew he couldn't stand there for a second longer, and Midar moved forward, slowly closing the space between them until he was close enough to run his nose through his lover's fur. But he hesitated, unexpectedly afraid that maybe in the time he spent thinking, he had decided he didn't want to do this anymore. All the scarred male had said so far was his name, the emotion present in the word somewhat ambiguous, leaving Midar unable to find any proof so far that this reunion would go any better than this morning. 

So, reluctantly, he took a small step back, still able to feel his lover's warmth, but also leaving enough space between them that he could take in Alarian's face. You said you needed to think, and I gave you as much time as I could, he finally said, voice surprisingly steady considering the amount of turmoil currently going on inside the beast.

His stomach twists painfully as he studies Midar's expression, and he tenses slightly when his lover begins to close the distance between them. Some lingering remnant of his original fear of the man resurfaces for a moment, and briefly he recalls their first meeting. It wasn't all that long ago, yet somehow it feels as if a lifetime has passed. He sucks in a sharp breath as Midar comes close, only able to release it when he takes a step back, and his gaze drops as another surge of guilt overwhelms him. Before he can say anything, though, the other is speaking, and his gaze returns to him.
His heart feels trapped in a vice as he listens to his lover's words, and it takes him several moments to choke out a response. I... I want to be with you, Midar, He says, voice slightly tremulous. I just — I don't want it to be a mistake. How can you be sure that you won't — get tired of me, or figure out that you actually hate me? Or — what if you find someone you like better? Once the insecurities start to pour from him, he finds himself struggling to make them stop, eyes averting again in shame. He can't help but think that perhaps this itself will make Midar realize how much better he can do; it would be rather cruel irony.

For a few painful moments, Alarian said nothing, and it was almost too much to bear. Midar's fear, at least, was somewhat assuaged as the other man assured him that he wanted to be with him. But then he started throwing possible scenarios at the beast, making it clear that he was afraid Midar would one day decide he didn't want him. It really couldn't have been furthest from the truth. If only he could open up his brain and let Alarian see for himself how he truly felt about him, then there would be no more questioning his level of commitment. But if his lover needed reassurance, then he was happy to offer it. I don't want anyone else, and I never will, he answered first. And I could never hate you or get tired of you, Alarian. I love you and am asking you to be my mate because you're mine, and you always will be. When he finished speaking, he held Alarian's gaze, wanting to see the doubt and anxiety leave his face. He wasn't sure he had quieted his lover's insecurities but was prepared to continue shooting down any possible scenario Alarian might come up with. Then, he smiled a little as a thought came to him. I saved a worthless stranger for you, he added, raising an eyebrow. There's not many other wolves I would do that for. Damien was the only other wolf who had that kind of power over him.

Midar's first words are soothing, at least superficially, but the effect is dulled by his next assertion. His stomach twists uncomfortably at the words you're mine, and he recalls the day they'd fought at the cliffs, ears flattening further. Don't — stop saying that. I don't belong to anyone, This time the words slip from him before he can stop them, and his face flushes with heat as he realizes the way it could be perceived. He isn't trying to contradict himself; he truly does want this relationship, but he is uncomfortable with the idea of being owned. He knows himself well enough to admit that he is naturally submissive, inclined toward the path of least resistance more often than not — but the thought of another claiming him in such an intimate way makes his skin crawl. Besides — And — I don't think you know what you're getting into.

Any humor left his face at Alarian's rejection of his claim. Rejection--it was not something he handled well. Midar's teeth clenched together, fury filling his violet gaze as he stared at the other man silently for a few seconds. His second response only served to anger the beast further, implying that he was what? not of sound enough mind to know that he wanted to be with his lover forever? He knew his mind was fucked up from his injury and the subsequent amnesia, but he wasn't aware that Alarian thought him less for it. Wrenching his jaws apart, he opened his mouth to speak, a harsh sigh escaping from his chest first. I won't stop saying it, because it is the truth, he replied glaring at the other man. You're mine, Midar said again, not caring that Alarian had just asked him not to say it. Do you not want to be mine? he asked, eyebrow lifting in question. He was somewhat confused now, and he wanted to hear Alarian say the words. Not that it would really change anything; it would simply make things more difficult for them, because the beast refused to give up his lover.

His face heats further when Midar responds, a different sort of feeling now. It's almost overwhelming enough to swallow the bolt of fear at his lover's anger, but not quite. He feels the full force of both, and for a moment he can't speak, throat tight as Midar questions him. Midar — He falters, swallowing. I do want to be with you, but you can't — His voice breaks again and this time he falls silent, gaze dropping as he realizes he doesn't know how to make Midar understand. There is a difference between being in a relationship and being a possession; he'd never signed up for the latter, but he can't help but feel Midar has already made it clear that he expects as much, and he's not certain he can give it to him.

He watched as Alarian struggled to answer, wishing once again that he could be privy to whatever was going on inside his head. His answer, aside from calming his anger some, didn't really clear much up. I can't what? he probed, his features relaxing a little as they shifted into confusion. He was just desperate to understand what was holding his lover back. He was so sure about the other man's feelings this morning, blissfully ignorant to whatever doubts he had been keeping from him. Part of him wished that they could just rewind the day and go back to that peaceful moment in the den before he had opened his mouth about them being mates, but Midar pushed that away immediately; he wanted this, and he needed to know what was standing between him and what he wanted so that he could deal with it.

Midar's confusion does nothing to calm his own turmoil; if anything, it worsens the tightness in his throat. He finds himself unable to answer, instead training his gaze on the snowy ground as he tries to reign in his emotions. His eyes begin to heat with tears after several moments, and he closes his eyes, shaking his head slightly as he realizes he can't bring himself to speak again. He doesn't know what to say to make Midar understand. His lover does not seem to see their relationship the same way he does, and he doesn't know how to fix that — or if it can be fixed.

There was no answer to his question, just a shake of his lover's head. The confusion he felt was painful, and he released another heavy sigh, unsure what to do now. He didn't think getting angry and making demands would help anything, nor did he really want to do that; he didn't want to be angry with Alarian, he just wanted to understand. Softly, he touched his nose to his lover's cheek, keeping it there for only a second before pulling away. What is keeping you from agreeing? he asked quietly. At this point, he was afraid of what the answer might be; he couldn't help but think only the worst in response to Alarian's reluctance.

He tenses slightly at the touch to his cheek, but finds himself missing the feeling when Midar withdraws. It takes him a moment to find the words to answer his lover's newest question. I don't want you to leave me, but I don't want you to treat me like a possession, either, He manages finally, resisting the urge to wince as he gives voice to the thought. He's a little surprised by the effort he has to put into each word. You can't just — claim me like that. I love you, but you don't have any claim over me. His pulse starts to speed up again, and he swallows hard as he finishes, opening his eyes to glance up at Midar anxiously. He doesn't expect his words to be taken well — but he can hope.

He was, as expected, angry when Alarian stated that the beast didn't have a claim on him. And he didn't view him as a possession; he viewed him as his--his lover, his partner, his. To Midar, that was different than being just his possession. But he very much disagreed with not having a claim over the other man; was his love not just that? I don't view you as a possession, he said indignantly. It was much deeper than that. You are mine because I love you, just like I am yours. He wasn't sure he was even explaining it the way he wanted, or that it would even matter. I..don't know how else to explain it, he said a second later, taking a couple steps back and sitting down in the snow. They had obviously had plenty of other fights before this, but this one felt different, like if he said the wrong thing, he would ruin everything. Frustration, something he was painfully familiar with, began to build within the beast, but he didn't know what else to say. Alarian was his, and he didn't think he could view this any differently.

His own frustration grows as Midar tries to explain, and his gaze drops again. It's clear that they're still not on the same page, and he doesn't know if they ever will be. His throat tightens again when his lover takes a couple steps back, and he can't help but wonder if this is a dealbreaker; perhaps Midar will leave him once he sees there is no easy path from this. His heart seizes with fear at the thought and he swallows hard, suddenly realizing that he'd do almost anything to keep Midar from leaving. Almost anything. But almost anything covers a lot of things, doesn't it?
He's stepping forward almost before he realizes what he's doing, reaching tentatively to press his nose to Midar's jawline as he moves closer. Even in the middle of their fight, his lover's scent is intoxicating. I don't want to fight anymore, He says softly, sighing against his fur. Please. They still haven't settled anything, but he doesn't think he can stand it much longer. The longer they fight, the more afraid he is that he'll drive Midar away — and as much as he hates the idea of being owned by anyone, he finds he hates the idea of losing his lover even more.

The tension left his body with a heavy exhale as he felt Alarian's touch. He didn't want to fight either; he just wanted to forget this, at least for right now. He pressed into his lover, closing any space that remained between them and pushed his muzzle into the fur of Alarian's neck. Midar moved his nose up towards his favorite spot behind his lover's ear, stopping to nip gently at few places as he moved. This felt so much better than fighting, and the beast realized then just how much he needed him right now. I love you, he whispered, not even caring how much the words sounded like a plea. All he cared about now was pushing this day from his mind, and there was only one way he knew how to do that.

A soft sigh slips from him as Midar presses against him, and he closes his eyes as he leans into the touch. Each nip sends a small shiver through his body, slowly releasing the tension gripping him like a vice. Guilt flashes through him at his lover's words, but he tries to focus instead on the intimacy of the moment, and on his own relief at this latest turn of events. I love you too, He manages, lowering his head to press his face into Midar's fur. His next words are softer, muffled. So much.

Despite his wanting desperately to reconcile with his lover, the fact that he still had no response to his question continued to nag at him. He wanted to bring it up again, but Alarian was pressing his face into his fur and the beast found it hard to concentrate on really anything other than the feeling of his warmth and the scent overwhelming his senses with each inhale. He draped his head over the other man, engulfing him in an embrace. He inhaled deeply, drawing in the scent once more before finally deciding that as much as he needed Alarian right now, he needed an answer to his question more. Otherwise, he would just stew over it until it turned what they had into something dark and destructive. You never answered my question, he said apprehensively, still wrapped around his lover as the quiet words left his mouth.

The last of the tension fades from him as Midar embraces him, though it is short-lived. His chest tightens immediately at the words, body going rigid again of its own accord. Briefly, he imagines what might happen if he says no, or tells Midar he needs more time to think: his lover will retreat again, it will be another fight, and he is far too exhausted for that right now. I — He swallows hard, faltering for a moment as he tries to force the words out. I'll be your mate. It comes out quiet and choked, but hopefully muffled enough that Midar won't notice anything amiss. This isn't how he'd imagined their relationship progressing — but he loves Midar, and that's enough, isn't it?

Finally, the words he desperately needed to hear came from Alarian, and he tightened his embrace as the last of his worry fell way. Whatever else they were fighting about didn't matter now; it was something they could figure out later. Now, he just wanted to forget about everything except the fact that his lover was now his mate. Midar unwrapped him self from around Alarian but stayed pressed close to him, only moving so that he could nip along the other man's throat and up to the back of his neck, soothing each bite with a gentle lick. He couldn't really explain to his lover how grateful he was that he had accepted his proposal, so the beast settled for affection, continuing his pattern down the other side of Alarian's neck and back up again to run his muzzle through the soft fur behind his ear.

Relief washes over him when Midar's embrace tightens, and he releases a heavy breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. A soft, breathy whine slips from him as Midar begins his trail of affection up and down his neck, but he finds himself... distracted. Maybe a little dissatisfied. Even his lover's normally soothing touch can't quite dispel his anxiety, it seems. He sucks in a breath, heart skipping a little with nerves as he leans into Midar and murmurs, You don't always have to be so gentle. I won't break, The implication is heavy in his tone, though he refrains from voicing his request outright just yet, instead hoping his mate will take the glaring hint. He just needs a distraction from his turmoil.

He paused briefly as Alarian's request settled over him, a deep chuckle rumbling from his chest. He resumed his light affection for a few more seconds just to tease him a little first. Unable to hold back any more, he stood and moved to his lover's side and in one swift movement, he was in place. At almost the same time, the beast snatched the back of his neck, the force pulling Alarian's head back a little. This time his bite was so firm that he knew it had to be causing his mate some pain, but he had asked for it, and now the beast was too lost in the urge to take to try and control himself. He just wanted to bury himself inside his lover and forget anything bad had happened today. Without any warning, Midar quickly and roughly connected them, his pace unrestrained and unrelenting throughout the entirety of their consummation. After his release, he collapsed to the ground, panting and light-headed from the intensity and exertion. He felt completely exhausted from everything, but there were no negative feelings now, just satisfaction and as usual, infatuation.

Midar's chuckle sends heat through his ears and face, and for a moment it seems as if his request will go ignored. But the next moments are a blur, and suddenly he feels his lover's weight upon him, teeth snapping around his scruff. The mixture of pain and pleasure draws sound from him, soft moans and whines that grow louder and more tremulous as their coupling progresses. He's never been such a vocal lover, but he's far too lost in the act to feel embarrassed now. This is exactly what he needs, though he knows he'll be sore and perhaps a touch regretful in the morning. It doesn't matter now, at least.
He's exhausted by the time they part, wincing a little at Midar's unceremonious withdrawal. It takes a moment for him to collect himself, to steady his breathing and his trembling limbs. When he feels stable enough, he moves slowly to curl up against Midar's side. He closes his eyes, letting out a breath as he settles, and realizes belatedly that anyone could have seen them. The thought triggers a twinge of anxiety in his chest, but he's too worn to give it much consideration. And if he was going to think about anything right now, he would start with the heavy sense of dread coiled in the pit of his stomach — but he's not going to think about anything. Not right now.

Just as his breathing started to calm, he felt Alarian's warmth at his side. Midar curled around him, licking the place on the back of his lover's neck where his teeth had been moments ago. Resting his head there, he released a sigh as well before his own eyes drifted closed. Whatever issues they still had to work out could wait until another day; right now, he just wanted to sleep curled around his mate and forget about the rest of the day, and luckily it didn't take long to succumb to a dreamless slumber.

He woke sometime in the early morning just after the sun had made it's way into the sky above them. The first thing he registered other than the fact that is was now morning, was his mate's body still curled up next to him. Memories of last night came flooding back, and warmth settled in his stomach as he lifted his head. Snow fell lightly around them, and it appeared to have been falling for quite some time, as he noticed that they were both mildly covered in a thin layer of white. Midar shook his head a little, clearing the snow from his crown and scruff before moving to lick the same area on the back of Alarian's neck again, wondering if it was sore where his teeth had been clamped down. The beast was eager for Alarian to wake, but he waited patiently for any stirring from the other man.

Despite his exhaustion, sleep does not come as easily to Alarian; he spends many hours lost in his own mind, a slave to his thoughts as his lover sleeps beside him. He thinks about his life, about himself, about Midar and the future. The night seems to drag on, and by the time sleep finally claims him he feels more desolate than he's ever felt.
It seems only a blink, and suddenly he's rousing to the feeling of a soft tongue against his aching scruff. His eyes flutter open blearily, lips parting with a faint whine as he turns. His gaze is distant and unfocused as it settles on his lover, lingering there only a few beats before he buries his face in the other's fur. Midar, He murmurs as he tucks himself closer, voice thick with exhaustion. Normally he would be eager for morning affection, but right now all he wants is more sleep.

He didn't have to wait long for Alarian to wake but when he turned to look at him, exhaustion was clear on his face. He heard his name as his lover pressed his face into his fur, and Midar wrapped around him, embracing him and not saying anything for a few seconds. Morning, he said quietly, not unwrapping himself yet. He couldn't help but be reminded of yesterday morning; it had started out similarly, and it caused an irrational worry to creep into his mind that this morning would end up the same way. He tried to push the thought away, instead moving to lick whatever he could reach of the spot on the other man's neck he had been attempting to soothe earlier. How do you feel? he asked between swipes of his tongue. The beast had definitely gotten carried away last night, and he was a little worried he had hurt his lover more than he had intended.