Sun Mote Copse bruises

Things had been unruly in Eljay's emotional world lately. It was strange, but somehow this feeling of anxiety and longing and uncertainty and doubt was better than how he had felt for a long time. For a long time he had felt like he was constantly on the brink of losing himself, constantly unhappy and trying not to step on anyone's toes -- but by trying not to, constantly doing so. It had been a rough few years for Eljay, what with Wildfire's death, Elfie's disappearance and his parents' deaths. He'd given up on Elfie returning, though he hoped in his heart that Elfie was out there somewhere, alive and well.

@Weejay? he asked as he drew up around the garden. He thought he picked up her scent as he came around to check on the garden (he'd been fawning over that a bit much since Maia's departure and the flooding, as it somehow felt like an important part of his life), and hoped he was right. A talk was pretty overdue.

Things were cyclical in Weejay’s life, and she was just now coming to see it. Her mother had died, and Eljay stepped forward to fill that strangely shaped hole. When her brother disappeared and left his own mark on Eljay’s heart, Weejay had stepped forward in turn. Her interest in the garden had waned, while Eljay’s had only doubled — soon she might find their roles reversed, but for now it was hard to look at anything optimistically.

Weejay had been trying to sleep when she heard her father call for her. Blinking back what little snatches of slumber she’d managed, Weejay stood up sleepily. Hi Daddy. The yearling mumbled, voice hoarse with tiredness but layered by warmth.

After being cared for by Weejay for what seemed like a long time while his soul withered, it was strange to find the roles reversed once more; where he had felt better lately (perhaps because of training Fennec? Or finally settling into his role as medic in the pack?) while Weejay had been gloomy. He tried to step up by caring for her garden, by taking her to hunt, but it seemed like she was gloomy. And maybe that was okay. Maybe it'd just pass, just like his depressions had come and gone over the course of his life. It was a strange thing to realise, a settling into the thought that life was passing and that good things would come. It was soothing in a way, even though it felt like it was years too late.

Hey buttercup, he said as she greeted him. She looked sleepy, and he wondered if he should've let her sleep. How are you holding up? He glanced over the garden, which still looked just a little bit soppy.

I.. was wondering, after Maia... I wondered what you wanted. I mean, I... Do you like it here..? The question was fragile in every way -- Eljay had always made it clear that his children shouldn't leave the pack if they could help it, because it was dangerous out there. But now that he grew older he was beginning to see that maybe what he needed wasn't what they needed. It certainly wasn't what Elfie had needed. What about Weejay? In all his protecting in Wildfire's absence he realised with a start that he hadn't exactly given his children chances to figure out what they wanted.

Weejay's sleepy eyes brightened when Eljay greeted her affectionately, calling her the pet-name flower that always brought a smile to her face; even when she was gloomy. She shifted, rubbing her bleary eyes as she canted a single ear towards her father. He seemed to have something heavy on his mind, judging by the way he paused as he spoke. Weejay was surprised by the clout to the question.

Did she like it here? She searched her father's face carefully before she spoke. "Well.." Weejay had never really allowed thoughts so negative to invade her space. In a lot of ways, she cultivated her mind the way she had once cultivated her garden -- by ruthlessly weeding any bad or negative thought where she found it. But as of late, little sprigs of thought here and there had become planted, as weeds were wont to do -- and Weejay was afraid to allow that door to open. "I miss the way things were, but they aren't coming back. Elfie isn't coming back, Mom isn't coming back. I think we keep waiting for something to happen while our lives are just passing us by. I don't know. I love it here; I love you, and the rest of the pack.. but sometimes I wonder. I don't know... What about you?"

How was that for an answer?

Weejay seemed taken aback just a little bit by his question, which was no surprise to Eljay -- after all, he'd often dictated the rules to his children out of fear of losing them, and it was only now that he stopped to think about what they might want. And that maybe, part of what she wanted for him was something that she needed, too. After a hesitant start, she said that she missed the way things were. Eljay did, too, though more than that, he missed times that had never been. He missed watching Weejay and Elfie grow up by Wiffle's side, dividing the tasks together rather than living at his parents' den while he tried to deal with his grief and keep his children safe while forgetting to think about their emotional needs. He missed that he hadn't had Wiffle there to mitigate his worrying so that he might not have pushed Elfie away. He missed watching Elfie and Weejay as grown-ups by Wiffle's side and beaming with pride.

There were so many moments they missed out on because of Wiffle's untimely departure. She'd left a hole not only in his heart, but in so many would-be's and should-be's that could've been great memories but now were just... thoughts and hopes of times that he wished they had.

Weejay might not have had as many expectations of parenthood and growing up as he had. She missed even the good times that they had had -- the few great moments they'd had together when he had felt truly happy, and felt that he could make his children feel the same, too. He wasn't sure if it was that he was waiting for something to happen while life passed him by. He'd always just.. gone through life as it came to him. The only times he'd ever made decisions by himself were the worst -- Drageda -- and the best -- Firebirds -- choices he made in his life. And the problem was that you never knew which decision was going to be which.

So it seemed that she wasn't sure, but that most of everything, she wasn't sure she wanted to stay right here doing the same thing. A foreign thought to Eljay, who was an even bigger homebody than his daughter and while he sometimes felt that he didn't really fit here anymore, between tough Towhee and dominant Niamh and all the wolves who respected him as a medic but not so much as a person, he also knew that with Wraen, it wouldn't be very much different. She, too, respected him for what he could do but he wondered if she could see past the grief he had expressed following Wiffle's death and the grief that he continued to carry with him. Sometimes, it felt that she had judged him for being unable to let Elfie go. Would it really be so different under her rule?

But above all of that, there was one feeling that mattered more than anything in the world. I don't know, I — Eljay frowned and stopped for a few seconds. Sometimes I think about it. I've started to train Fennec to be a medic, and maybe she could take over so they'd be fine here. Sometimes I think about us just leaving, but... His frown deepened a bit; not necessarily in further worry, but mostly in thoughtfulness. He glanced up at Weejay, looking ashamed about what he said next -- But I just... Eljay bit his lip, — I just get so scared, just thinking about it, and all the uncertainty. He just didn't know if it'd be a good choice or not, and that was the thing that terrified him more than anything in the world.

Weejay listened as well as she was able, but in truth she was still very slightly annoyed at how both adults had hidden their feelings from each other. Maybe it was because she was out of the cyclone that was emotional feelings at play, but it was clear as day that both Eljay and Maia had lost many possibilities when they'd said goodbye.

Eljay bit his and Weejay was listening, almost mentally cheering him on -- go on, say it! Say you want to grow! Say you want new experiences! She was so young, so naive to the world, that she still believed a lot of life was good and worth exploring.

"Daddy, you're stuck in a rut." Weejay informed him matter-of-factly, feeling she was in the trench alongside him. "There are no guarantees in life, except uncertainty. That's just life. You can't spend your whole life tucked away in a small space you feel is safe. You'll never grow. Your roots will never stretch out and grow, you'll never get to see all that life has to offer if you just spend all of it in the same tiny little area. It's like the flowers in my garden. They're subsisting, but they're not thriving the way they'd be if they were in an open space on the side of a nice hill, with all the sun and wind and room in the world to grow."

Weejay said very matter-of-factly that he was stuck in a rut. Eljay wasn't too sure about that, unless he'd been stuck in a rut for most of his life. He had always enjoyed staying in one place, and he wasn't too sure that would ever change. The thing that it made him think about most, though, was is she stuck in a rut? Because if she felt that he was, then maybe it was really because she felt stuck here. Not able to leave because her father needed her by his side, but feeling stuck staying here. He'd always thought that the Copse was Weejay's home, and that was one of the reasons that he had always been so adamantly against moving away from it.

It was as if his eyes were opened for the first time that she might not think that way at all. That maybe he was reflecting himself onto her too much. That she needed more than what he could offer right here and now. He should've seen it earlier, what with her regular trips outside of the territory, that maybe she had more of his mother's genes in her than he initially thought.

And in the same way he wondered if what she said was just a reflection of what she wanted; what she needed. Then again, did it really matter whether it was what she wanted or what she needed, rather than he? Should he maybe go along with it, suggest leaving, because it was what she wanted? Eljay frowned as he thought to himself. He was silent for a good length of time after Weejay finished talking about stretching out his roots. To Eljay it felt that staying in one place was like stretching out your roots. That was growing to him. But even despite his longing to stay here, to have a home, there was a small itch inside of him. It was only tiny, but a part of him really did feel like he wanted to go. Maybe not to spread out his wings or grow his roots per se -- though Weejay certainly had a way with words around that -- but he felt like an idiot for letting his insecurity get in the way of following the wolf that really made him feel good and comfortable. The others, he felt good enough around them, he enjoyed teaching Fennec, he enjoyed hunting with Niamh, and he felt helpful enough. But there weren't any that made him truly feel like they were a close friend. Not like with Maia. But was that enough to give up everything that he had here? And what if spreading his roots wouldn't be as good an experience as Weejay marketed it as now?

There were still so many questions and insecurities, and at the center of it all was his thought that maybe what Weejay said was really also a reflection of what she needed in her life.

I need... I need to think about this, he said after a long thoughtful silence. I'm training Fennec to be a medic. It wouldn't feel right.. leaving.. just like that, without any other caretakers around. And if we... If — where would we go..? Presuming that Weejay'd come with him, of course.

Who knows. Maybe Weejay was projecting. Maybe, she felt like she was stuck in a rut because her life here was restrictive. Maybe to Eljay, it didn't feel that way -- for all she knew, he seemed perfectly content to be here (Maia aside).

Not to say Weejay was discontent, because in many ways she wasn't. She went to bed every night with a full stomach, uncalloused and untired paws; her head always on soft downy fur, her father always near -- in many ways she was luckier than most.

Still, she could not help but feel Eljay, and by proxy, herself, had shut out the great wide world by never venturing beyond the comfort of their hearth. It wasn't as if she wanted to leave -- no, Weejay loved her family -- but sometimes she wondered if a sunset looked the same on the other side of the world as it did in her comfortable and quiet little home.

A long silence between them. One of many; Weejay had never minded the quiet. It gave her time and space to compose and assemble her thoughts. She liked to believe she got that from her daddy, for he was also prone to lengthy quietude before speaking. "Maybe someday we just take a visit -- see how they're doing. We don't have to leave forever. I don't want to leave forever, either. Fennec will be fine -- I bet everyone would."

Weejay said that everyone would be fine and that they didn't have to leave for forever. That was probably true, but still... There were a lot of practicalities involved. Eljay thought for some time in silence. Then he decided, Let's think about it a bit. Let the thought settle in. Maybe he would wake up tomorrow ready to go, or maybe he'd wake up and realise that he didn't want to leave at all. The same went for Weejay, too, of course.

Eljay nuzzled Weejay's cheek lovingly and said, Thank you. For being patient. He imagined it mustn't be easy for Weejay, either. He was sure that she loved him, but it wasn't until now that he realised that maybe he was holding her back from the life she might want to live. Did he have to let her go? Or would it be enough to take her on a journey, if he would go -- if they would.

Another bout of silence. This time Weejay was thinking about the what-ifs; what if they went, what if her father found Maia again? What if they never came back...?

As thrilling as thinking about potential could be, Weejay realized she didn't like thinking about potential when it involved the possibility of everything changing forever. So, she was amenable to her father's suggestion to think about it. Who knows - maybe tomorrow she'd think she was being emotional and things were just fine. Or.. maybe she found the wild hair under her skin to travel was still there, just itching to go.

She pressed back against her father, eyes closed and expression soft. "Thank you, for being my daddy. No matter what we do, I'll always go with you. Whether that means adventure, or growing old here."

Eljay was afraid to make a decision that would negatively impact Weejay amidst all the chaos of his mind. He didn't want to drag her off because she thought that's what she wanted, only to wake up some day with a miserable daughter. But then again, would it really be fair to keep her being so-so happy for the rest of her life instead? Eljay wanted her to be happy, and he wanted to be happy. A part of him did want to go after Maia, but at the same time, what would he even say when they got there? What if she would be super weirded out by him just showing up? What if Wraen wouldn't want him there, or Arcturus?

His worrying train of thought was stopped at the station by Weejay's soft-spoken words. Eljay looked up at her and smiled as she said them. He couldn't express just how much he loved Weejay and how grateful he was to have her in his life. He knew many children left or grew up to be embarrassed by their parents. Elfie probably would be, if he was still... But Weejay was different, in the same way that he had been different, and he could not express how much that meant to him. It wasn't always fair on her, which was why he had asked her now what it was that she wanted; he realised that he needed to think more about what she wanted, too. It turned out that wasn't always easy to figure out, either.

Thank you, sweetie, he said softly. Not just for being patient, but also for being such an integral part of his life, for being so sweet, for being understanding, for being kind and caring not just towards him but towards everyone. Eljay had wanted to be a parent for at least a year before Weejay had come along, and even despite all his flaws as a parent she was the perfect embodiment of that dream coming true.

we can wrap it here with a fade maybe?