Two Rivers Isle I remember your silhouette on Dyes Inlet

Wildfire stood staring at the hole in the ice, struggling not to picture what had happened here. She had lost Bat once before, yet this was different. There was a finality to it. This time, Bat hadn't disappeared. She had died, plunged beneath the ice, never to resurface. There had been a witness.

As she stood there, eyes blurred with tears that spilled and then froze on her cheeks, Wildfire fought another battle as she tried not to blame Tegan for her daughter's death. She was losing. Shaking now with muffled sobs, Wildfire slowly sank to the ground a few yards from the water's edge.

She should return to the copse, she knew. The Firebirds needed her. Kiwi needed her. And she couldn't do anything for Bat anymore. But Wildfire couldn't move from the spot where her little girl had left this world, not yet.

It was easier to deal with Bat's disappearance now that he was no longer at the plateau. Admittedly, Eljay hadn't really known Bat at all, but he was still shocked and he imagined Wiffle must feel awful about it. So far he had managed to steer clear of the subject (totally unaware that it might've been easier to because she hadn't known about it yet) and he preferred to keep it that way. Thinking about Bat just made his mind gnaw on about Peter and Uncle P. He preferred to just keep believing they were living the rest of their lives out on some happy place. They had to go away, but they weren't really gone.

His mindless wandering had subconsciously brought him to the place where Bat had gone away, but he didn't realise this himself. With a shock he realised where he was and Eljay immediately decided to go back to the copse, now!

But as he wheeled around in a hurry Eljay caught a familiar flash of red. Was that..? He stood and stared and swallowed thickly. Every part of his body screamed and begged to turn and head back to the copse, the closest thing to safety and home he had right now. But he couldn't leave Wiffle here -- she must be upset, thinking about poor Bat's fate. Eljay bit his lip and nervously headed towards the lake's edge and towards Wiffle, who seemed to be staring at the ice (he didn't see the hole). From a safe distance on land Eljay called to her: Wiffle? What are you doing? It sounded mostly confused, the question, even though he knew approximately why (or could guess easily enough). He wasn't sure how else to, uh, break the ice.

She cried for a while, subsumed in her grief. Despite Finley's refusal to pronounce Bat dead, Wildfire didn't share in her godmother's hope. She couldn't see any possible way Bat had survived the icy plunge. All the mother could hope was that it had happened quickly, that her baby hadn't suffered too much.

The sound of a voice made her slowly turn to look over her shoulder, eyes gummy and nose runny. She recognized Eljay right away, though she did not respond to his question. She just gazed at him dolefully for a beat before facing the water again. She heaved a sigh and pushed into an upright position, her body stiff and aching. Slowly, she climbed onto all fours and turned her back on the river, though still she said nothing.

Oh no, Wiffle didn't seem to respond much. She looked absolutely grief struck and Eljay had no idea what to do about it. He just awkwardly waited in silence, wandering out to reach her and lingered at a few meters distance because he wasn't really sure what to do. He didn't know what Wiffle wanted or needed at that moment. He just wanted her to be happy again. But how..?

Wiffle just kept staring at the water after she'd briefly recognised his presence. Then she heaved a sigh and turned away from the water. Eljay glanced at the river, where Wiffle had been staring, until he realised that she'd got up and turned away from the river. Do.. do you want to talk about, um.. Eljay trailed off there as he got stuck between saying "it" and "anything" and then the silence passed was too long to interject either word anymore. Or just, we can be silent too, if.. Though he was starting to wonder if maybe Wiffle would rather just be alone.

He offered an ear and Wildfire could only shake her head. If she tried to talk about it, she would only end up a crying mess all over again. She was trying to collect herself now. Bat's life might have ended, yet the world carried on just the same. She needed to get back to the copse. It would be good to stay busy with pack-related duties, even if it would be incredibly hard to keep going after this.

When she finally found the strength to speak, Wildfire said, "Let's talk about something else. How're you settling in at the copse?"

It's.. Sometimes it's good to cry, Eljay awkwardly offered after Wildfire had already shook her head, not sure what else he could offer but an ear or silence, and being really awful at (to him awkward) silences where nobody knew what to say, so desperate to fill the air with something, at least. Listening to someone cry was painful and had the risk of also crying, but at least it was better than an awkward silence. And it was true, too. Sometimes it was good to cry and you felt better afterwards, especially when it pertained to something sucky that happened. For a moment she seemed undecided which option to go for...

But instead of all those options Wiffle opted to talk about something else altogether. Eljay was caught off guard a moment, especially since she wanted to talk about him, but then he answered: Oh, uhm, alright, I guess. I like it better than the Plateau. I kinda miss the pups, though. And mommy and-- Eljay quickly swallowed his words as he realised how immature he must sound and corrected: -- dad -- father -- Anyway, but they're coming soon. Arrrggghh, why was he incapable of having a normal conversation?! Eljay mentally kicked himself, not sure what was wrong with him -- this was just Wiffle, for goodness' sake! -- and willing for his nerves to go away. But the more weird stuff he said, the more nervous he got, and seemingly, the more weird stuff he would say. Eljay repressed the urge to apologise profoundly for being weird by awkwardly rambling on: Anyway so the territory is pretty nice from what I explored so far.

She'd cried enough for now, though Wildfire didn't say that. She'd shed what felt like a thousand gallons' worth of tears, with many more to come, surely. She needed this respite. Fortunately, Eljay didn't press the issue, instead seizing on the topic of the copse. He liked it better than the plateau, a fact which would've entertained her in other circumstances, since she knew he hated it there. But right now, Wildfire couldn't force even the smallest smile.

She did look at him thoughtfully when he mentioned his parents would come soon. Had they decided to relocate, after all? This news soothed Wildfire's sore and aching heart a bit. She thought about how much comfort she'd drawn from her godmother's presence after the news broke. They wouldn't be far one way or another, though their being here would make them all the more accessible when she needed them most. She couldn't help but wonder if Bat's passing had something to do with the final decision, though she didn't bring it up with Eljay.

"I'm glad you decided to come," Wildfire said, a little distractedly. She tried to gather her focus, since she wasn't just offering meaningless platitudes. She really meant it. "Have you met many of our pack mates yet? There're a couple lovely ladies..." she said, thinking of Wraen, Maia and Corinna. Perhaps one of them might catch Eljay's eye so he could get his wish for pups one day.

The reminder (Eljay didn't realise that Wiffle had not known yet, and he by now had forgotten about mommy's request not to spread the word all around everywhere until it was official) that mommy and daddy were coming soon seemed to make Wiffle feel a little bit better, though it was hard to tell at this point. But at least there weren't any new tears and she seemed to try and make a conversation. The fact she glossed over his super awkward mention of his parents was a bonus for Eljay. Phew.

His tail wagged two or so beats before he realised it would be inappropriate to be happy in any form when Wiffle mentioned she was glad that he'd come here. He had doubted his decision a lot, though he had wanted to do it from the beginning, and was happy in the end. Even though he still missed Kite and Owen and Vasa and Phoebe a lot... Thinking of how they must be missing him and wishing he was still there broke his heart.

As for the amount of pack mates he'd met, Eljay answered: Oh, uhm, well, I met Wraen, and of course at the pack meeting there were others. It wasn't really that notable though, any of the meetings. Eljay only realised the implications of what Wiffle had said moments later and he felt his cheeks heat up as he hadn't even considered any of the ladies in that way. Oh! Well, uhm, I didn't think of.. I mean, I dunno, it's... Eljay wasn't sure how to proceed, because, well, he had given it no thought and now of course, next time he would meet any girl he would feel super awkward thinking that Wiffle might be trying to hook him up with someone. He gingerly asked, though clearly a bit nervous for the answer: You haven't told.. any of the uhm, anyone about that, right..? Because then he would just have to avoid all of the ladies of the Copse forever so that he wouldn't die of awkwardness.

Her words clearly flustered him. Despite herself, Wildfire's lips twitched. She hadn't meant to make him feel awkward, though his endearing reaction distracted her from her heartache. She wondered which of the ladies in question might catch his eye and whether any of them would fancy him in return. If she had to choose one, right now, that she thought best suited for Eljay, it would have to be Wraen. Perhaps she talked a bit much for the likes of him though. Hmmm...

Wildfire even managed a single, quiet chuckle in response to Eljay's embarrassed question. "No, of course not. It's really none of my business either. I just..." She trailed off for a moment, face introspective. When she spoke again, her voice was low and slow. "I just lost a child. It's the worst pain I've ever felt. But you know what? I'm glad I took the risk anyway, happy that I got to carry Bat, birth her, raise her... that, when I lost her, we got to be reunited, if only briefly. I'm happy I brought her other brothers and sisters into this world too, even the ones that hate me now." She was getting choked up again now. Oof.

"My point being," she continued after several shaky inhales and exhales, "is that I want you to experience it too. Not the heartbreaks, of course—although they're sort of inevitable—but the wonderful feeling of being a parent. There is no greater honor, no greater joy, than bringing children into this world..." And there she went, sobbing again. "The reward is worth every risk."

While he was feeling anxious about this, at least it was making Wiffle look a little bit brighter as she said that she of course hadn't told anyone. Whew. At least he could breathe easily again about that. Facing any of the girls of the pack again if someone had told them that Eljay was maybe interested in finding a mate would be super awkward. Anyway, luckily that wasn't the case. Wiffle seemed to look a little more down when she said the 'I just...' and Eljay held his breath, literally, because he was afraid she might get upset again. And Eljay wasn't very good at dealing with upset persons. Even though it was good to cry sometimes, someone else crying still made him feel like he had to, as well, because he felt sad for them.

Her words hit him like a sledgehammer at first. 'I just lost a child' was such a direct description of the thing that caused the pain that it made Eljay feel a pang in his heart, even if he didn't even know Bat at all. She went on to say that it was the worst pain ever. A part of Eljay-brain tried to get him to recollect the pain of losing Peter way too early, which caused some short circuit panic and he quickly glossed over it, not wanting the pain back again. It was easier not think about it at all, especially poor little Peter who'd been so tiny still. It'd be like Owen... No. Nope. Not gonna think about that.

When Wiffle mentioned 'even the ones that hate me now' Eljay frowned in confusion. Who hated her? Why would they ever hate their own mother? None of it made sense, but the hating-children-thing wasn't the point she tried to bring across and Eljay was also distracted by the way she looked like she was about to cry. Oh no! What should he do? Wait, Wiffle was also trying to make a point to him here, and he should pay attention to that.

Wiffle inhaled and exhaled, a thing Eljay recognised only too well from when he had one of his panic attacks. He frowned and shuffled a step closer somewhat awkwardly, ready to offer a shoulder to cry on if she wanted to (or fur to hide in, which he had found, especially when younger and when it was moomy's fur, worked really well because nobody could at least see your face when you were crying). But just as he was about to, Wiffle continued, saying that she wanted him to experience what it was like to be a parent. And he wanted to, and thought it was really sweet that Wiffle would tell him such a thing -- it meant that she cared about him, and Eljay cared about her too, so, well... It was just nice when someone cared for you, he supposed, especially since he was feeling a little lonely and missing some of the key figures in his Redhawk life right now.

All of it was overshadowed by Wiffle's sobbing, though. Eljay's face formed into a worried frown as he tried to figure out how to react. She managed to choke out the summary of what she had said, or at least its meaning -- the reward is worth every risk -- and Eljay huddled a bit closer. He wanted to tell her she could cry, but instead he came back to something else. You're so sweet -- Eljay started, but he couldn't help but choke out a few sobs, too, fuelled not only by the sweetness of Wiffle but also by her grief and crying. Sorry, I'm -- Now you're making me -- Sob, sob, -- I mean, you have every right to cry, not me, so it's, I'm weird, but just, you're so sweet and you don't deserve it -- the bad things. The story was a little incomprehensible perhaps because Eljay was sobbing in between and feeling like a total idiot for crying about the fact that Wiffle was crying (and a little bit of happy-cry and grateful-cry over how sweet she was to wish him all the best and tell him a story about risk and reward even though she probably already knew it'd make her feel unhappy again herself).

She tried to stop, sucking in several noisy breaths and letting them out in audible whooshes. Wildfire felt like she might actually get control of herself when she sensed Eljay moving closer. Although he surely sought to comfort her with his nearness and his words, it actually had the opposite effect: she took one look at him and burst into a fresh round of tears, which she hid against his shoulder.

She clung to him like that for a few minutes, giving up on trying to stop and just letting it happen. Although Eljay's own shuddering and tears exacerbated her crying jag, Wildfire found it strangely cathartic. She had cried on other people plenty of times. Seldom had she ever cried with someone else. She'd always known he was an empathetic sort but she hadn't realized the real breadth of his tender heart until this moment. Just like she'd never noticed how good he smelled until her sniffling nose was buried in his fur.

At last, Wildfire drew back, though she didn't go far. She shuffled a bit to fix the angle, then let her cheek settle on Eljay's shoulder. It still shook a little, though she found it deeply comforting. She closed her eyes and worked on steadying her breathing for a moment. Although they were really a hot mess, she found herself giving silent thanks that Eljay had come to her today. He might be awkward and self-conscious to a fault, yet he was so good and wholesome, exactly the sort of person she needed right now.

Oh no! Instead of... Whatever it was that he had hoped would happen, Wiffle burst into a fresh round of tears instead. Eljay tried to think of something to say but the situation was just altogether too much. He couldn't stop himself from sobbing uncontrollably at the unfairness of it all as well as his stupidity for crying along like this. It was like a multiplying effect, where he'd cry and feel stupid and keep crying because of how stupid he felt on top of the original reasons.

Needless to say he didn't stop crying even when Wiffle hid herself in his shoulder. She must feel pretty bad, he imagined, and then on top of it all she had him to deal with the situation. Not someone smart and thoughtful, who would reflect on the situation and make all the crying stop, but rather someone who cried along like a big, stupid nerdy dweebus.

Wiffle took distance at first, but then she came closer suddenly. Eljay wasn't really sure why she wanted to even stay with him in this moment rather than just leave. He didn't understand it but somehow it made him feel really nice just to be here nonetheless. Which was a bit confusing, considering he was crying and feeling really lame about it at the same time. There was just an ungraspable overload of emotions going on that Eljay found hard to decipher.

But his sobbing grew a little less intense, stilling slightly. It came out in little sobs as Wiffle's cheek melted into his shoulder, and Eljay stiffly and carefully arched his neck to touch his nose gingerly to Wiffle's face (or whatever part of it he could reach). There was something weird, a strange feeling, but he ignored it while he worked through the mess of good and bad emotions flitting through his body. Was it weird that this moment of pain and emotion also felt kind of.. good, in some weird way..? See, sometimes crying did help.

Her eyes opened slowly at Eljay's touch, tears clinging to her lashes. There was nothing romantic about this interlude, though Wildfire did think to herself that it had been a long time since she'd been this close to someone (not counting her daughters), even longer since she'd known such empathy. Most of her emotional outbursts over the last few years had been met with awkwardness that leaned much more toward bewilderment.

It was nice, having someone who felt so strongly for and with her that he cried along too. Wildfire sniffled at the thought, rubbing her nose gingerly against his cheek in a sign of gratitude. She then unpeeled herself from him, just so she could look at his face. It was streaked with tears. He looked a bit like a wreck. She was sure she did too.

"Thank you, Eljay," Wildfire said softly, then butted her head against his shoulder. "Now that we've got that out of our system... let's go home."

This moment could've lasted forever if someone had asked Eljay about his preferences. Even though he was crying and feeling part miserable, there was also something really wonderful about it. A smile found its way to his face but when Wiffle broke off the moment Eljay quickly wiped the smile off his face and looked at Wiffle, testing her mood to see what he should be doing because he had no idea what was needed in the situation.

Surprisingly enough she thanked him, and Eljay smiled slightly. He probably looked like a mess -- even though Wiffle somehow looked perfect no matter what, even though she'd just been crying -- but Eljay was just grateful that she didn't mind his weird outburst. It really took a load off his mind and heart. Yeah, he agreed softly and he nudged Wiffle's neck briefly before he followed her back to the Copse in silence, feeling oddly content and not awkward at all in this silence.