Hushed Willows yes, i'm positive there's just one baby in there

Setting  Hushed Willows, after Blixen's announcement
Time  Early evening, 2/5
@Lily <3

Just like her own, flickering arrival, the late heda had flit to and from Aure's ivory life in varying shades of sable, stolid solitude. And though the skayona had only known Antumbra — if their fleeting glimpses together even be called a 'knowing' — the sorrow that straggled heavy-heartedly through Drageda was infectious. It was enough to billow down upon the satisfied bliss of having Vonnaruil back in her life, and of her gestaţie, and she would blush and pale by turns like a winter sunset seen through wind-shaken leaves.

Oh, heavens! ; gestaţie! The Undimmed was cu pui, when she forever thought only the stars would be her children, as she'd become to them. But, now... Aure had been told that most females' first estruses usually didn't bring along whelps.

Yet, she was, as @Wintersbane once fancied, quite unlike "most." Never "most," in fact. And Aure knew it in the marrow of herself that, and that yet of her copii, her womb had quickened. With nausea and acidic bile, and some sort of fluttery feeling, too. The swell had not yet arrived to her thin belly, nor had her teats budded, yet she knew. The elation she felt, like the reality, the sureness of it all, had been slow to dawn on her; and she'd yet to tell drăguţă ei because of it.

Nonetheless, the emotions rose once more into a clamor, rose as she did along the hillock with long, pale legs all atingle. The frenzied feeling heightened, from her belly, to her throat, and she reveled in it — before she pitched forward with an odd, strangled choke of "Dumnezeule-!" and heaved right onto Elysium's perimeter.

And just like that, she faded right back into quiet despondancy, studying the remains of her retch with a Lemme just throw up on ya border, how bou' dat?-esque bemusement.

Familiar as she was, now, with the sound of retching, Lily could pick it out of the vast array of noises within the willows. It helped, too, that she was restless, despite the cold. She hadn't really stopped moving since the new wolf had come; just like her mother, she was a wanderer during pregnancy. Hopefully it would make the babies that much stronger.

Oh, dear, the blackbird murmured, her brow furrowing with concern as she came across an unfamiliar woman at their border, staring down at a puddle of vomit. She came as quickly as she could, resisting the maternal urge--god, already?--to push her muzzle against the other's forehead. Are you all right, darling? Do you need help?

She didn't know this wolf from any other stranger, but they were a sanctuary. Lily would have moved mountains if it meant another could find safe haven in Elysium.

Aure thought if she squinted, she may actually see her murky reflection sniveling back at her. All it took was the blackbird’s considerate touches and words, and the dove fractured into tears and incomprehensible warbles. Her heart pealed in her chest like erratic wings, confined only by ivory ribs.

Feathery ears splayed back inscrutable against the arc of her tousled neck. Argent eyes full of watery reverence sought a sanctuary of their own in the sable matriarch’s own; and the skin of her face pulled itself taut, creased her grateful, wide gaze as she thickly, so pitifully mouthed ’thank you.’ The only sound that came from Aure’s throat was some poor, pale wheeze from somewhere between her lungs and throat.

God forbid.

Her response came out wisping and utterly pathetic as she was right now, spittle on her quivering bottom lip, ”N-nobody’s ever called m-me ‘darling’ before. I always call everybody ‘d-darling’!” The she-wolf’s voice was hoarse and trembly, as if overwhelmed with this mere revelation that the endearment has never been hers alone. Giving an enunciated, very unsure-of-herself bite to her lip, she tittered, ”I-I don’t know if I am alright, you know? P-pregernanent, and a-all.”

”M-my belly is making me cry, and they aren’t even there yet! Ze copii are already devastating me!” And then the tears came back in a girlish surge, stinging and hot and entirely irrational. ”N-no, are you okay? I—“ Finally, she finished her hormonal, waily tangent with a short, distressed, pink-nosed sneeze.

yes good gif yes

The verbal outburst was as alarming as the vomit, and Lily blinked, taken aback, her face wrought with sympathy but also confusion. She certainly didn't expect this today. (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!) Though perhaps it was as well; it could function as her first test of motherhood, tackling the unexpected messes of life.

Achoo! Bless you, Lily offered, sniffing herself. Erm. . .pregnant? she asked, trying to make sense of the torrent of words. Is it your first? Mine too! Oh, my. . .! Her excitement got the best of her for a moment as she twisted her head, gesturing toward her swelling belly. Then. . . Erm--sorry. Back to you.

Her brows drew together in concern. Well, do you have a place to stay? A family nearby? Something about her scent was familiar, but Lily couldn't place it. Near the sea, surely, but so many wolves from around here came from the coast. It was just right over there, after all.

At once, Aure nodded fervently through her new low of pathetic as the Elysian had inquired of the skayona's maternity; Aure, in turn, responded with like enthusiasm, still sniffling. "Da, it is my first pre...? Pregnanty. I-I'm still breathless about it." Her silver eyes waxed into full moons, peering in unabashed fascination at her host's whelp-bump. The pale she-wolf now gnawed at her lower lip, the way an anxious rabbit does with the purple blossoms of clover. "You are so far along, nevastă-"

When the question of family came up, Aure withdrew from the lure of whatever motherhood had in mind for her. "Mm. I have settled with ze Drageda, on ze cliffs," she pipped, before stumbling into a lapse of solemnity, for through all of this elation, she finally remembered why she'd made her way here in the first place. "Their heda, Antumbra— has... she...- her spirit has gone to ze sea. I came to ze Elysium to tell you."

Aure wasn't sure how else to articulate heda's passing other than by some way-faring phrase she'd once heard long ago. Aure, too, didn't seem to notice how she continued to keep herself seperate from the Drakru she'd dedicated herself to; the same kru who she'd mourned alongside with (well, mediated with.) Nipping at the inside of her cheek, she truly couldn't remember whether she'd arrived on her own pretenses, or Blixen's approval. Hm.

Her face grew delighted nonetheless when the woman talked about it being her first pregnancy. It was followed by relief when Lily learned she, indeed, had a place to stay--and one with which Lily was already familiar. It had been a while since she'd heard news of Drageda, and she tuned in expectantly. . .only to be crushed, and a little perplexed, at the news.

Heda, she said slowly. Does that mean leader? I'm sorry for your loss, Lily continued, her voice solemn. I've met a couple of Drageda wolves. They were very honorable. I'm sure it must be hard for all of you right now.

She dipped her muzzle, gaze raking the ground for a silent, pensive moment before returning to the pale woman's face, waiting for her response.

Aure nodded at the clarification of 'leader', and then acknowledged the notion of the Drakru being honorable. For such a war-worn hoarde, they were certainly, unapologetically illustrious. In name, they weren't hers, would never be hers; she would always consider herself something of an outsider, too-northern and ambiguous. It was fine with her, a resignation she'd had no qualms to. Instead, the sense of kinship was in the way she felt around them, the way her heart beat for their warriors, and the way her belly felt about everything that was to come and nothing she would ever expect.

"Thank you. Yes, it..." As much as she hearkened to the anguish that heda's passing had left behind, she truggled to share in it. She was too... withdrawn, too apart, to be desolated by this loss, and so she had a difficult time putting it into words.

But the least she could do was to be there, for all they'd given her and so much more, and then keep an eye on their horizons for more storms yet to come. "It is quite devestating, yes," she admitted quietly, knowing that full well everyone else had to be feeling more deeply, more heartbroken than herself. "From what I have heard, one of Antumbra's children will ascend to her position. I came here, too, to strengthen the bonds between our own -- somehow." Aure hoped she didn't come off as selfish, but she liked to think within another month's time, the prospect of new life would be more than welcome to all of this despair. 

"If you don't mind my asking," she tittered, fidgeting a bit on the spot, argent eyes quiet, "have you ever... lost a leader before? I understand that this is a personal inquiry."

The offer of further alliance was pleasing, and Lily nodded in silent agreement, a smile returning to her face. At the question, her countenance grew pensive, but not sad. No? Surely not. It would be foremost in her mind, if so. Except. . .

Not by death, no, she said slowly, trying to put it all together in a way that made sense for the woman. One of our first leaders, Lennon, left without telling anyone. I haven't seen him since. He very well could be dead. A strange feeling came over her, at that. She didn't know whether or not she would be grieved by his death. It hadn't always been that way.

When had she become so. . .cold? Pragmatic?

Alarian left us, too, but I saw him afterward, Lily continued, feeling a shiver down her spine. I don't know where he is now, though. But not dead, I don't think. She hoped. It was a relief to her to find that she was distressed at the thought of the former Governor's demise.

She tilted her head, brows raised. Why do you ask? she queried softly.

The skayona listened, quieted by her own question and then the words that Lily had to say. So, in a sense, in some way, the Elysian had lost two leaders, death or no. When the inquiry was borne back to her, she bit her lip once more at it. If she were being honest... she’d also come here to explain herself to herself, without the opinions of minds dwelling in grief. She trusted them in this, yes, but her thoughts on the matter wouldn’t be welcome in the slightest, and she didn’t want to leave the conversation more distraught than when she’d found them.

And maybe someday she would tell one of the kru, but for now, ”I have been with Drageda for nearly four months, and yet, I... am not as saddened by ze passing of ze kru-leader as I should be.” Inhaling sharply, Aure decided to focus instead on the willows beyond. ”I was not close with her, and, truthfully, there are many in ze pack that I have yet to know. When ze news came that Antumbra had fallen, I only felt... solemn. I didn’t weep, I didn’t curse ze heavens.”

Delicate shoulders curled, slumping inwards. ”I am not made for war, or ze sea. I am a child of ze mountains — but I have done what I may to adapt. Healing, wandering on their behalf. In a way, I have come to find my home... in half of them. Ze feeling of whether I belong with them or not, I... I don’t know what else I may do for them in this time.” She cast a weary, heavy-lidded ivory look back at Lily, ”All I can do is listen, and listen some more. But is it enough? Have I made myself enough, for them?”

Aure was kind of on the same page, at least regarding Lennon and this Heda. The Drageda woman, too, felt not a huge sadness at the loss of her leader. And Lily identified strongly with the feeling of not belonging. She had struggled with that so often, especially back at Broken Boulder. But then. . .

Enough? Lily echoed, her jaw slightly agape. What do you mean? Isn't the fact that you've stayed with them enough? That you're carrying--I'm assuming--children of theirs, too? Isn't that enough?

What even was enough? To Lily, mere presence alone was enough. Sure, pitching in and hunting for the pack, doing your part--but that was easy. What more should Aure be doing to satisfy these wolves? Were they that. . .greedy? If so, that troubled the blackbird greatly.

”Oh, I suspect it is more than enough,” she replied, eyes a bit watery when she swiveled her head to Lily once more. A bit of an errant toss to it, a loose shrug of her crude shoulders; as if she knew how irrational she seemed. ”I... only think I am of little importance to them, truth be told. All I may do is to heal, and to chart stars. Healing, at least, has value, but... I’m not sure what I mean to them besides.”

And then, ”Ze father remains as a guardian for ze kru’s leader. He... he doesn’t know, yet.” For a moment, a small, trembly smile tugged at her lips, and she merely gazed at Lily — but it was a darker, different wolf her bleary eyes saw. ”He is so audacious; so daring. ...Raving, and appallingly uncouth, though,” she mused, tearful eyes softening as she remembered him and the redwood. ”And yet, there is so much he has done for me, all without my asking. After everything, I.... To not be promised to him is to go against everything we have become together. How could I ever resist at all, when he is in my blood?”

Aure fell quiet, then, and returned to herself with a few wet flicks of her lashes. Her ears splayed away in a little mortification, at her passionate tangent, and then at her uncertainty at her position in general. ”Most times, I think as you do — practical, to ze point where I don’t question myself as I’ve been doing. Other times, I... am so frazzled, like now. I only believe I am rather inefficient, because I still do not understand their ways of life compared to my northern one. I envy that straightforwardness... truth be told, once again.”

Lily frowned to hear her speak this way. No occupation was subpar in the blackbird's eyes. Charting stars, chasing birds, whatever. . .as long as you were doing something, that was what counted. She'd hate to feel useless in her own pack. She'd felt it before, and it was a hard mindset to shake.

The woman spoke of her mate like she spoke of Khali--well, except for the "uncouth" part, she thought with a smirk. But still, maybe this man was worth dealing with everything else. If this man made her feel "worth it," perhaps he made the rest of Drageda bearable. But it was dangerous, to put so much hope in one soul. . .

It's hard to get used to a life that you've never lived, Lily murmured. It's so incredibly frustrating to feel useless. But you're not--no one is. Well, I suppose, those who take only for themselves and not for others, she added, ears folding back a little. Look--they probably don't think you're useless; you're probably just getting used to things, still.

She fixed a gimlet stare on the wintery wolf. And if they do actually think you're useless, well. . .bollocks to them, Lily said flippantly, grinning. They're not worth it at all.

With Vonnaruil back in her life, she had finally been able to find her footing. And now that Verx had practically marked his place in her life, too, it only gave her more leverage to perhaps situate herself better on the cliffs. Perhaps. At her center, though, she still retained some dewy-eyed, girlish part of her; and perhaps too naive, too trusting, teetering about her first love with the gangly inexperience that comes with it all. In that rare, practical part of her mind, she knew placing so much faith on so few shoulders... wasn't the wisest.

No, she didn't simply want to love anyone for the sake of romance, without loving herself. But, as with everything, she was unaware of the way her own words would register to others, how they could overwhelm -- much less to herself. Aure was at her center, too, a numerous walk of contradictions; to figure herself out was like trying to conquer a spring flock, or take on the salmon run all by yourself. "War, death... it makes me cling to ze only good I believe I have left in life. I would not like to become a smotherer, either. Ze sort of mother who... has no life outside of her mate, her children. Who is wrought with worry for romance; who coddles her children well past their sixth month." Perhaps she would, in time, come to dampen her dreamy-eyed delusions before she brought herself pain.

horomonal tanget bc this turned out a lot longer than i wanted to smdh

For now, though, she'd blame the horomones; they had to have some part in this, turning her into some gullible, blushing bride and all. "You make many points," she mused, casting yet another thoughtful look to the willows. "I feel as if... I simply see myself that way. To them, they may believe I am truly worthy, of course. All of this ruin, all of this grief... I do not like to be in my own head. And this makes me so. It has to be all of this." She gave a gentle, exasperated shake of her head.

A soft sigh left her, then, "It feels... relieving to have somebody to talk to about this. I could, of course, confide in the kru, ze friends I've made, and in my love, but... but, no. There is too much sorrow. I wouldn't... I wouldn't want to bring my plights into this; not until there is some healing, when there's already so much to be done." Her pale jaw worked, then, in uncertainy. "I flit from emotions and thoughts as one steps from light to shadow, as I have now. I... I cannot ground myself, in that sense." Another sigh. 

"What I would like to do, however, would be to remain in close contact with Elysium. Having come from a sanctuary myself, I understand that you refrain from war -- well, as far as fighting is to go." Aure re-situated herself then, her hind legs a little pigeon-toed to accomodate for a bump that had yet to even come. "I would not want to involve such a prosperous place in such... turmoil. However, I do come to ze Herbalist's Cache frequently; I am more than willing to meet either yourself or other leadership there, if need be."

Lily listened a lot more than she used to; she used to be a chatter, just like this. Perhaps it was the pups turning her inward, but she was content to sit and take in all of this, without wanting to interject at any point. It was almost. . .soothing, really. The gentle cadence of words lulled her into a sense of calm, which she then felt bad for, because the Drageda woman was anything but right now.

Once she had finished, the blackbird took a breath, trying to gather her thoughts. Starting with the most diplomatic and pressing thing: Of course, we would love to have your friendship and alliance, Lily purred. As long as you don't bring the war to the willows, you're welcome here any time. You and your children.

Then, she supposed, she should probably address everything else. The emotions, the fears. You can always come speak to me, if you're feeling overwhelmed, she murmured. I can't promise that I'll always be available, especially when the pups come, but. . .I'll try my best. In the meantime, don't--don't worry about things you can't control. Just be yourself. I guarantee if you've been with Drageda for this long already, they appreciate you. They need you.

Well, it wasn't necessarily true, said the tiny contrarian within her head. How had she gotten in there? Who had put the negativity inside her, so long ago? Probably Dottie, that bitch. What's your name, love? she asked abruptly, returning to simpler conversation. I'm Lily.

dottie that damn depresser CACKLES
smdh i rly cant sleep tonight tbh

Having sheepishly receded behind modesty’s skirts, if Aure thought that if she could behold any more appreciation for the Elysian, her heart might burst. That, or she’d heave again—or start weeping all over again. Or all three, truth be told.

However, she was able to give a meager bob of her head in a twice-over thanks. Once for solace, twice for  all the advice the Elysian—‘Lily’, now—had given her thus far. Aure was sure that she was of importance to Drageda; as important as she tried to be for them. ”I am Aure,” the skayona lilted, a bit of a dozing smile kissing her lips. Then, since she was ambassadoring, after all, ”Yet, I was born as Aurëwen. I have no qualms with being called either.”

And then her silvered, scarred gaze went heavensward into the early evening, ”Multumesc, doamna— ah, thank you, I mean. Perhaps... I should take my leave; I also apologize for my, er, little incident earlier.” Aure scuffed a snowshoe paw, evermore sheepish, as she eyed her bit of retch from earlier. Regardless, she tried to jest, weak as it was.

Both were pretty, though the former name was a lot easier to remember. Aure, she repeated, smiling, and then scoffed as the other made mention of her mess. No need to be sorry, Lily assured her, her face creasing in a grin. I can't even tell you how many times I've been sick over the past moon. An unfortunate side effect to pregnancy, it seems.

The blackbird's eyes grew solemn, then, and she reached out to touch the woman's flank with her muzzle. Safe travels, she murmured. Come speak to me whenever you need. Perhaps, soon, our children can play together as well. That was a cheerful thought; she'd cling to that any time she needed a pick-me-up.

For now, she saw Aure off, waiting until the white pelt disappeared over the horizon before turning back to the willows, casting a jaundiced eye at the puddle of vomit and laughing ruefully.