Laurel continued to look away, look at the landscape that stretched out before her. A landscape that held many scars of many lives, but hers of course most prominent to herself. He spoke deep meaningful words and they frightened Laurel, because she had never been good at deep meaningful words. It made her want to run away, or make a snarky comment to drive him away, or do something; but another part of her wanted it, wanted to be seen, wanted to be heard, wanted to be felt.
She did not answer his question about resilience. It did not need to be answered. Laurel had never given much thought to her resilience, or the lack of others; she had never thought life was anything more than this, had never considered that others might have it better. Perhaps she thought that the reason others made the lives of others so miserable was because they were miserable, too.
That's certainly what she'd done to her latest litter. And even her first she had been unable to save — Lucas... — despite trying to give them all the love that she could.
Never in her life had Laurel had a deep conversation. This was possibly the deepest she'd had. She wasn't sure why Mahler pulled things out of her so easily. Life was about survival, it always had been. There'd been good moments, which did not warrant talking about the bad. There'd been bad moments, which were easiest just not to talk about so that she could get back to the good moments eventually.
Her breath came out in a ragged shock as he wondered if she would speak as good of herself as of Indra. She was torn between snapping that of course she was great, or that only an arrogant prick would talk good about themselves, or that Indra was the one who'd speak good of her just like she did of Indra and now she was reminded of that void. But in the end she could not find the words.
Instead she found herself overwhelmed by a wave of emotion. Shoulders tensed as Laurel tried to contain tears that threatened to spill. She had always been the strong one. Even though she no longer had Indra to care for now, she couldn't just break that... But she felt herself breaking, with every well placed word he put in towards her, felt the façade that she had so carefully built up and had then assumed as her new self crumble, and make place for all of the ugly scars that lay underneath. She didn't want him to see but a part of her didn't want him to go either; wanted him to stay, wanted to be seen, heard, felt, talked to, fixed. Oh, how she wanted to be fixed. She couldn't even find the words to formulate a normal response, couldn't even find the thoughts to figure out what she truly wanted; let alone ask anything else of him.
She did not answer his question about resilience. It did not need to be answered. Laurel had never given much thought to her resilience, or the lack of others; she had never thought life was anything more than this, had never considered that others might have it better. Perhaps she thought that the reason others made the lives of others so miserable was because they were miserable, too.
That's certainly what she'd done to her latest litter. And even her first she had been unable to save — Lucas... — despite trying to give them all the love that she could.
Never in her life had Laurel had a deep conversation. This was possibly the deepest she'd had. She wasn't sure why Mahler pulled things out of her so easily. Life was about survival, it always had been. There'd been good moments, which did not warrant talking about the bad. There'd been bad moments, which were easiest just not to talk about so that she could get back to the good moments eventually.
Her breath came out in a ragged shock as he wondered if she would speak as good of herself as of Indra. She was torn between snapping that of course she was great, or that only an arrogant prick would talk good about themselves, or that Indra was the one who'd speak good of her just like she did of Indra and now she was reminded of that void. But in the end she could not find the words.
Instead she found herself overwhelmed by a wave of emotion. Shoulders tensed as Laurel tried to contain tears that threatened to spill. She had always been the strong one. Even though she no longer had Indra to care for now, she couldn't just break that... But she felt herself breaking, with every well placed word he put in towards her, felt the façade that she had so carefully built up and had then assumed as her new self crumble, and make place for all of the ugly scars that lay underneath. She didn't want him to see but a part of her didn't want him to go either; wanted him to stay, wanted to be seen, heard, felt, talked to, fixed. Oh, how she wanted to be fixed. She couldn't even find the words to formulate a normal response, couldn't even find the thoughts to figure out what she truly wanted; let alone ask anything else of him.
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Messages In This Thread
i see fire - by Laurel - March 31, 2021, 05:04 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - March 31, 2021, 09:07 AM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 02, 2021, 06:25 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - April 02, 2021, 10:41 PM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 07, 2021, 08:32 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - April 10, 2021, 11:31 PM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 14, 2021, 02:09 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - April 15, 2021, 04:55 PM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 16, 2021, 08:34 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - April 18, 2021, 02:38 PM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 23, 2021, 02:14 AM
RE: i see fire - by Mahler - April 23, 2021, 07:28 PM
RE: i see fire - by Laurel - April 28, 2021, 04:12 AM