Whitefish River And you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone

The children had all been sleeping soundly with @Emrik after a rambunctious play session, so she had quietly slipped from the den with a loving smile. She would check back in on them later, but for now, Speedy found a sunny spot near the cave opening and settled there, allowing the sun's rays to warm her coat. The warmth and sounds of nature around her were relaxing enough that she might have dozed had sleep been something she was able to do much of. Unfortunately, she often had trouble quieting her mind; her fear and guilt were almost constant, and they made themselves most known in the quiet times when she had little to distract herself with. Still, the healer sighed and stretched a bit, attempting to find some peace in the warm afternoon despite that it seemed an almost impossible task.

@Aurëwenn

After her visit to her son, Aurë had thought it best that she tote back whatever greenery had gone unfinished — to clean and store away for future use. Across her meandering, though, she spied the plush form of Speedy; and wondered whether she should disturb her rest or no.

But then, she couldn’t help the lance of emerald jaundice that pierced her breast as she eyed the henna herbalist; the one who had wept for her son where Aurëwen could not; the one who had remained his constant where Aurëwen could not. She was the one who seemed able to be all of these things and more and more — the mother that the silver had almost been ...or could never be.

Guilt at this, at all, burned at her lashes as she glared into the healer’s shadow; but Aurë managed to push a weary greeting through her constricted chords, brows drawn heavy against the balmy sun as she finally made her way over. “How... how have you been?” Perhaps it might have sounded kinder, had she known this she-wolf was a friend of Slavik’s.

If only Aurëwen knew of Speedy's own self-hatred, perhaps she would feel differently. Everyone had their own problems, right? She struggled in her own ways, even if it might appear on the outside that she had no worries; that was just how she was. She tried to put on a brave face even though she feared everyday for hers and her children's safety.

Soft steps made her open her eyes, and she glanced up at the other woman, greeting her with a smile. I'm okay, she answered, a little concerned, as she always was, with the other mother's dejected state. How are you doing with all of this? She asked gently, rising to a sitting position. I hope you're not blaming yourself for what happened to Dragomir because it's neither yours nor Verx's fault. Was that why she seemed to be struggling so much? The healer knew how guilt twisted everything up inside, and she hoped Aurëwen would at least talk to her about it.

will tweak a sentence later if drago reveals anything before this

It was in the quiet of her thoughts which Aurëwen’s eyes would feel utterly exhausted; could feel the fatigue, rooted, tugging at the muscle lain along the cusp of her sockets; coaxing at pale lids to lie heavy upon her cheekbones. But she blinked seven-several times in order to clutch at Speedy’s words, an old, familiar notch settling betwixt red-hewn brows.  “...I try to believe that our son— that his capture, his torture may have very well happened when we lived amongst ze mountains. That he could have still been on his lonesome; could have been taken from us, all ze same.”  There was a telling lack of censorship with which the she-wolf spoke of the horrors she could only imagine her child had faced. ...Not that the druid knew of the means which he had been taken by.

But that was another story — one which Aurë wasn’t sure she’d ever retell again. Yet, she sat, too, reclining with weary care.  “I cannot help but blame myself. My riddled mine also believes that my fault lies with what happened. ...Before we were upon ze coast, my children and I lived in Diaspora; and, well... not even two weeks from their birth, I began to step away from them.”  Ears cast away, but she held Speedy’s gaze; her own as bright and piercing as quartz.

“When we truly left that claim, our children were... terribly angry with us. And how could they not be? In my case, I was absent. There for them, yes, but... absent. Drifting, without thought, logic. Practicality. And our son, he... he wished for time to himself.” She would not reveal Vercingetorix’s part of that story; it was his to tell, and there was still some respect there for the father of her children. Tedious, but ... there, all the same.

A pale shiver went through her, and Aurë gave herself a meager shake, continuing, “It was ze last thing he said to me. And then we could not find him.”  Another shiver went through her, but the she-wolf only lifted a riddled chin.  “And now, here, I am not so sure how I can be strong for him. ...That is my shame, as the mother I cannot be. I can only advise others to eat plants like sheep,”  she rasped, a pained, faltering curl to her lips. With a mortified little hiccup, “I feel too much, and think so little.” With everything, right from ze very start!—

She listened quietly and without judgement as Aurëwen spoke, gaze soft and understanding. The other mother seemed riddled with guilt and self-loathing, and it pained the healer to think that she lived with that weight every day. She also knew what it was like to feel that way and understood the toll it took. She, too, had reasons to hate herself, and she had no one to blame but herself. But, Aurëwen didn't deserve to feel that way, especially not for the actions of someone else.

She slowly moved closer, and gently touched her nose to the other woman's shoulder if allowed. Her touch was meant to comfort. From what I can see, you're here for them now, and it's obvious that you love them. You shouldn't keep beating yourself up for your past mistakes. Motherhood is difficult, and no one is perfect. Speedy smiled warmly at her. As for plants, you know how important I think they are, and I think you should be proud of yourself for learning to how to heal others. She touched her shoulder again if allowed and added: I am certainly grateful for your help. It was a genuine sentiment, and she felt Aurëwen needed to hear it.

Why ever had her fellow herbalist been dubbed Speedy? Steadfast, more like. The wisp of thought was wry; a bit embittered by the throes of her own woes. Woes that felt so selfish of her in having when those of her son must be unfathomable. The touch of a dark nose upon the thin shoulder drew her momentarily from this reverie, before sundering her right into another; when had someone last sought to comfort her? It had to have been ... moons ago, no? when she was wilting and weary and so ridiculously hopeful. 

But she heard the words the other had to say, and remained quiet for a time after.  "I was once told how 'amazing' of a mother I would be, and yet ..."  shaking her shorn skull,  "And yet, I still stray, and my wandering seems to never be sated. But, I am a herald, now, too. Would that I could take my daughter with myself, upon forages, at least, I ... I cannot get through her fury. Her stubbornness,"  so much like her own! Would she hate to love, love to hate that, too?

And then, after yet another moment of quiet,  "I was giving Dragomir tell of my first learnings of plants, and how I ... how I detested it, at first. It was not until my first patient, however, that I came to understand that there is much else one can do besides brandish their brawn about. And, even then ..."  another rueful sway of her head,  "I got into several skirmishes, so soon after delivering; I was so terribly sorrowful. So selfish. Still selfish, when I've thought myself selfless. Ze only repentence I can assume up is to be here for my children; how, then? How, when I still long to roam?"

The tattered line of her mouth only thinned more. 

She listened to the other woman, feeling for her so much that her face twisted with sympathy and concern. Just because you are a mother, doesn't mean you have to give up who you were, Speedy offered. I think you just have to find some way to be both yourself and a mother, and it's not very easy to figure that out. She smiled warmly at Aurëwen. As for your daughter, just give her some time; she's been through a lot too.

The healer nodded in understanding as Aurëwen explained how treating her first patient made her see the wonder of healing. She understood that feeling very well. Healing was her passion, and it had been that way for as long as she could remember. She wasn't sure if it developed with her mother's lessons or if her mother started teaching her so young because she saw how much Speedy was drawn to helping others. Either way, she was very grateful for all of the knowledge her mother had shared.

She still believed Aurëwen was being too hard on herself. But she could understand the guilt she must be feeling. I think it's important for you to try and find a balance. Your happiness is important too, and it doesn't mean you have to skirt your responsibilities as a mother. She sighed a little. You can't wander like you used to before you had children, but maybe you could find an alternative that gives you the same joy. She wasn't sure what that was, but she would gladly help the other mother figure it out.

last from me!

What might that be, then?—
Your happiness is important, too.

Here, her shorn brow furrowed, features sketched with a nonbelief that was both inscrutable and rather stark to see.  “I am a servant to my children.”  Children who deserved a better dam; children who deserved whatever happiness she has been unable to give them, had taken from them the day she challenged the ironstar. No, no—
Aurëwen wouldn’t dare to feel anything else in her hurt heart other than the faith and trust that that she’s regained in their favor.

Crown bowed; contemplating all that the mocha herbalist had to say. ...Eventually, though, airgetlám soon departed from her mild presence with stilted strides, ruminating; but not before expressing her thanks with a gentled murmur.

She would continue to worry about the other mother and her family. They had all been through too much, and she could tell that Aurëwen held quite a bit of guilt over the whole thing. Verx seemed to hold a lot of guilt as well. She supposed that was the life of a parent: making mistakes and then feeling unwavering guilt when they affected the children. But, she hoped that she could help them break free of some of the blame they placed on themselves, as well as help the entire family heal. 

She smiled and shook her head at any thanks offered. The healer didn't mind helping her bear the weight of her thoughts, even if only for a little bit. And whenever Aurëwen took her leave, Speedy watched her go with a hopeful smile, departing shortly after to tend to her own children.