Jade Fern Grove mea maxima culpa
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some people thought of life as happy accidents, others as a meticulously planned out event—though by who, opinions differed. aditya fell somewhere in-between the two, or perhaps beyond. . .choices were what were most important. the choices you made determined your existence, for better or for worse. choose differently at any occasion and your life could be dramatically altered.

strange, that he had come here of all places.

gov— no. a packmate of his, a distant relative, had been named govinda. it had ultimately been confusing as all hell, and what right did he have to claim a name that was barely his? so he had returned to the treacherous 'aditya'. . .

and perhaps that was why he stood here tonight.

forgive me, hariji, for i have sinned. and sinned greatly. mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

if only it had ended with the spikes of stockholm's collar digging into his flesh. the sharp smell of coelacanth's blood on the air, mingling with her sweet pelt-scent. his subsequent flight, near-drowning, and then a second chance.

a second chance that he'd promptly squandered. which is probably why he stood here tonight.

the ferns were far from the verdant green they'd been, and still he saw it, her body pressed against his. . .whoever he'd been. saw it as if it were yesterday, and not a lifetime ago. and then felt the weight of his own faults on his heart, and could have wept.

name after name rippled through his mind like a ticker tape—all the apologies he had to make. each time he made amends, subtracted one from the list, he made another error, added one more. would it ever end?

this was his punishment for loving to the point of madness, to obsession. this was his fate for being deewana: crazed with passion.

and this was why he stood here tonight.
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#2
she could no longer find simple peace in providing for the Hollow, marking their borders and dedicating herself to all the same tasks as she'd done for Morningside. perhaps it was her guilt, come again, her meeting with Siarut or the bloodied scene of her hunting partner, lying broken atop a woman she did not know. it was the latter that had her come here again, the place she'd seen him whole. she barely new the boy had seen him twice. the first was simply happiness and the easy joy of the hunt, the second she was a bystander to burning grief and violent death. but coupled with burning thoughts and a feeling of loss buried bone deep, she felt again how she had when she'd gone so far north the air had turned to ice. adrift, lost totally and completely. 

the sky was dark now, proper, she assumed, for speaking to the dead. she knew where her father's bones lay will perfect certainty, the route clear, but she could not bring herself to stand above them with all her sins spilling over.

and so she moved on, wondering why she found herself here so often, now. wolves were the choices the made, and here began her burning of her honour and her happiness. no amount of grief, of shame, of self-destruction or attempt to find the last of them would bring back what she alone had squandered. her fault, her most grievous fault, and now she clutched at crumbling earth as she tried to find her place again. there is a man standing before her now, so still that she may certainly have drifted past him should her limbs not have locked in place as they had. 

"aditya" says her mouth before her fogged mind has time to work. the word is strained and there's a weight above her again, and she feels nothing but all the grief she thinks is possible to feel in an instant and she's set fire to all she loves most.
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and just like that, as if summoned by the visions that still haunt him, there she stood. it became even more real when she said his name; his knees wobbled a little, and a shadow passed over his face.

dawn. he wasn't ready for this. he never was going to be ready for this.

oh, god. did she know? did she know all that he had done? abandoned her family, destroyed the peace of undersea? she must not know, for why would she not turn on him with fangs, or brush past without a word? his breath was shallow, ragged, as he stared at her.

she smelled different. not like the maplewood, not like morningside. other wolf-scents layered her pelt. she had changed. older, now. wiser? perhaps still as foolhardy. he didn't know. he didn't know her at all.

had he ever?
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he said her name and then, finally, her mind caught up. of all the names in her head his was the one she'd promised not to look for. cruel irony was it that in her time here she'd found none of them, and now here he stood. the grief dropped away and left a kind of stillness, and she wondered, briefly what would have happened if both of them had never come here. would they be whole, happy? or would she, in the bright-burning fire of her youth, still find some way to destroy what she held dear? she knew then, with certainty, that it didn't matter, in the same way none of her dreams of different paths, different futures, different pasts, mattered. she was not pride nor feriocity nor grief nor pain; she was the culmination of all her decisions and actions; victories and mistakes. 

and she, too, wasn't ready for this, but nothing was ever about being ready, was it? 

"I know what you did." she breathed. he knows all the wrong she's done; she knows too and does not want it to remain unsaid. she remembers the dull blow of Sunny's words, the questions that followed. the words are not accusing, not hard. "you once said we could forgive each others sins." she's muddled the originaly words, she thinks. it is not complete forgivness but nor is it judgement, for she can't do either of those things until she knows. 

she wants to tell him all her grief, wants him to know that time has not healed but nor has it taken away her love for him. she does neither, for she knows she must ask - "I will go now, if you want me to." 
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ah, there it was. except, wait—

she knew?

before he could answer, absolutely flummoxed, she went on, and then on further. he found himself shaking his head without really willing himself to, licking dry lips. no. ah—don't go. i mean. . .i don't want you to go.

then he came closer just a fraction, brows furrowed in puzzlement. if you know what i did, you know that it's unforgivable, aditya said, golden gaze set gimlet on her face. looking for answers. i don't want you to go, but why aren't you leaving? why are you still here, if you know?

don't you hate me? you should hate me!
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here again she was aided by the same odd detachment she'd felt when she'd encountered the bloody scene a few days ago. she knew Aditya to be standing there, and yet the scene seemed slightly removed from reality. her maw parted slightly, auds twitching a tiny fraction as she registered this. "I know what you did. not why." he'd left her family. left them with Sunny, who she knew well was unfit to lead, especially in the wake of disaster. and so had she. no matter her intentions at the onset, when she'd passed the borders of Teekon she's chosen not to go back. together they'd foresaken Morningside. 

"choosing not the come back to Morningside when we'd all been crippled by grief was unforgivable. I left them, and more died, but I'm still here." she paused. "you're still here. you told me before that no one known how to move on - you just do." she still didn't, and most days passed in a fog. she's learned enough to know that to hate him, hurt him now (however much of herself wanted to) would cause nothing but more regret. "what you did, what I did, maybe that's unforgivable. hating you now won't change that." 
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not why. would he ever tell her why? i was in love with another woman half of our relationship. not to say that the love he'd had for coelacanth replaced his for dawn, for one could love two souls concurrently. but it flew in the face of the wordless promises they'd made to each other.

then again, so had her liaison with the nameless man, here, in these woods.

i'm not a good man, aditya said, shaking his head. i used to think otherwise. but life has only proven me wrong again and again. dawn— i forgive you. say it, you coward. i. . .forgive you. for what you did. i held on too tight when all you wanted was freedom. i understand why you did it.

god, it hurt to tell her that, even if he'd long known it, at least to himself, to be true. did you go back to morningside? he asked, plagued with curiosity for his former family. how are they? how many are they? was the real question, but he kept that one in check.
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she wanted to refute his statement immidiately, but held her tongue - she had no desire to cut in, now. his words were like fridgid water as the weight of them suddenly became apparent, and for a moment she lost the words that had been so near to her tongue. "I was scared and stupid, but those are no excuse." her words lack the strength of those former, but she persists. "I am sorry - for all the hurt I've caused, all that I've destroyed. but you are a good man, Adi, one who's done terrible things but a good one all the same." she says the latter with certainty, for despite all this she knows it to be true. 

and then her face falls and grief surges; it is one thing to tell strangers the fate of her family but another to tell him.  "they're gone. I never did find anyone - and Sunny couldn't hold the rest together on his own. they joined Elysium. Aviana - Aviana died. her daughter and Pema disappeared." her ears sweep back and her muzzle tightens. she's come to terms with the death of her friend, somewhat, but the grief still lasts and she feels responsible for the disappearance of Faye. she falls silent, words still waiting on her tongue yet unspoken.
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he shook his head, but didn't answer. what good would it do to refute her? they would just argue, and honestly, he had always hated arguing with her. he had always hated arguing, period.

but maybe aditya should have put up more resistance, because the news was even worse. each bit of information was a lance through his heart; he felt each blow, sharper and sharper, until he could scarcely breathe. his knees wobbled, and he sat suddenly back on his haunches, eyes wide, gold pools of oblivion.

they're gone, he echoed, his voice hoarse. morningside is no more. i—i can't believe it. yes, you can, you fool. they're dead and you hastened the blade. he took a low, deep gasp for air, head bowed as if in prayer. what about you? he choked out, looking at the ground. are you. . .are you with elysium?
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and then he spoke and she withdrew into herself, stiffening and pushing down the overwhelming hurt. he ought to have known; known that his leaving would result in this. "my family, my home, is gone."  the distinction is important. morningside is quite literally all she's ever known. perhaps her own refusal to return had begun the blade's fall, but it was he who'd step away and allow it to gain momentum. "no." and her eyes were hawkish and gleaming and staring through his crown. "I joined the pack of a friend." not her home, not her family. he says it and suddenly she's burning, with anger or pain or something else entirely. "and you?"
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his ears folded back, although he was a little glad that she was finally showing the pique he thought he deserved. they were my family, too, he retorted, his voice choked. morningside was all i had in the world, and i fucked it up. but i never did so intending to hurt anyone.

well. .. no. not all he had. but then he'd found blood family, and he'd squandered that opportunity, too.

aditya shook his head. i live nowhere, he said flatly. with no one. probably best that way. he was half-tempted to rise and pad away from her forever, shove her to the past with each and every one of the skeletons in his closet. something, though, kept him rooted, kept him meeting her hawkish gaze with his own.

i'm sorry, he offered lamely, the words hanging hollow in the space between them.
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not the same. she wanted to scream it. she grits her teeth, and the dream-like sense is gone. "it was all I ever had. my whole life, and it's gone." the names run through her head. grayday, aviana, shale, faye, catori. many more besides, and now she's alone. she didn't want to be. purely, selfishly, she wanted him and in that not to be alone. she wanted to take him, Sunny, even Aviana, bring them all back to the plateau and try to find whatever happiness they'd had there. 

but she could never regain the past. it would be childish to try. his apology is met with silence, and she does not think he reasonably could expect her to reply. "what now?" she doesn't know why she asks it, exactly. will they meet her, unearth old sins, and part again? will he wander ever onward and she live evermore in the Hollow? she doesn't want that. perhaps he does.
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me too! me too! he wanted to shout it at her, that he'd never had a father, lost his mother young, spent his whole life wandering with purpose and morningside was the first time he'd actually been something. haye bhagwaan! maybe that was why he had imploded: he simply couldn't handle responsibility. perhaps he was doomed to be a wanderer, a vagabond, forever.

instead, he remained silent, his face solemn. at her question, he gave a brief shrug. i'm going to keep walking, aditya said shortly, eyes staring somewhere beyond her. keep going until i. . .stop. you go your way, i'll go mine. it's very clear i've brought you nothing but bad things.

there was a bitterness in his voice that, while it wasn't meant to be accusatory, it definitely could be perceived that way. and so he turned, padding stiffly away and waiting for the cold sting of her rebuttal against his hide.
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it's true. he's brought about the dissolution of her first and only family (but so had she and so had the flames) he'd brought her pain and grief (but it had been her choice to allow the man what she did in this glade) and now he brought to a head all that had happened over the last year. not just her, but Seelie, Undersea, and perhaps others beside. and yet. had he not brought her good things? he'd brought her happiness and comfort and the meaning of love. 

he is leaving and she is silent. she makes her choice not because it is the right one but because it is the only one. "mera pyaar." the word is clunky on her tongue, as if an instrument not tuned for a long while. "I will walk with you." 
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the words turned him to stone. he stopped, stiffened, and then turned to face her, expression inscrutable. ab aur nahin, he said, his voice husky. you don't know what you're saying. what you're getting into. and here he had thought she had at least a shred of sense. at least enough to know that following him was a fool's errand.

goodbye, dawn, aditya said, and then spun once more and took off, this time faster. let her follow him, sure. follow him straight down into the pits of despair, where they both would wallow and fester. if that was what she wanted, then so be it. at least he had given her the choice to leave.
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she stills but is resolute. "I know what I'm getting into." she won't be swayed now that she's decided on a path, but knows it won't be as easy as simply following him away. she has someone she needs to meet with, first, and she will not make this a repeat of the past. 

she takes a step forward, pauses. "I'll find you, Adi." with that she turns and return to the Hollow, filled with an aim, a direction, that was more than simply being a part of a pack that had never really been a home like Morningside, like Adi, had.