Swiftcurrent Creek but before you shoot please warn us

@Lainie
also tagging @Helios and @Zephyr in case they wanna read since it's about them<3

'just in case, just in case, just in case'

they were the only words to keep repeating in her head like a broken record as she ran haphazardly around the territory. the only words that mattered. because she had to check the den again, just in case. same went for each spot in the territory they liked to hang in, along the creek she sped. just in case. seeking faces she knew deep down she wouldn't find but just. in. case. 

because, well because it made no sense. why? it began to drown out the just in case's as the strength of her denial began to fade rapidy with yet another lap of the territory completed and coming up as empty pawed as every other damn time. as she falls back on her haunches, sides heaving with each painful exhale her mind begins its new defeated song. why? why? why? a noise of pure frustration slips from her jaws amid the rapid breathing from the relentless excerise. why would they leave? why didn't they tell their family, tell her? her front paws slip forward so that she now resides in a half-crouch, half-lie amongst the swaying grass. how did everything still look so peaceful? all she could hear was rustling of the branches overhead and the babble of the water not too far off. for some reason it made anger spark in the little dove, a rare reaction to anything especially something normally considered so nice. but it felt like it was making fun of the situation, how dare it act like nothing was wrong when two of her siblings were GONE.

she just didn't get it, that was the worst part, not knowing. surely they wouldn't just...leave...right? but that meant something bad had happened, what if they were hurt somewhere? her body buzzes with pent up energy despite the weary ache in her muscles- she tired extra easily. all of them did, so this running around like crazy wasn't exactly something her body agreed with. still, it was taking a lot of willpower that she didn't even know she had to stop herself from racing right off past the borders and looking for them herself. ever since she'd gone on that little trip with the family her paws had felt light and her body had buzzed weirdly whenever she thought of going back out there. but no, she couldn't leave everyone now- she wouldn't worry them like that!

as she lay there, body soon beginning to relax and in turn tremble lightly- the confusion and anger began to dull to a mere ache. they were gone, they didn't care. she didn't know how to deal with that it was too much, for now she simply buried her head in her paws, a soft, defeated whimper drifting into the air.

How many days had gone by? She didn't know, she had wandered around in a haze. It would be noticed that she didn't speak much and avoided all of her family as often as possible and when she was around them, even Polaris and Papa, she didn't say a word. Inside her mind, she was going a mile a minute, a mess of confusion and fear and torn between feelings of loyalty and the fact that because of what she'd seen, she didn't know if she wanted to near Zephyr anymore. Part of her argued that it was the fear that did it, he was her brother and always would be. The other half of her knew that she had seen her brother shake Maman's baby so violently it never woke up again and was afraid of him and what he could do to her or sweet soft little Polaris.


Speaking of her sister, she had been worried as of late. She'd noticed how the disappearance of her siblings had affected her sister and hadn't done anything about it. Today was different, Polaris had been gone for a while and she had a heartbreaking fear that her sister had abandoned her too. She set off around the territory trying to find her and thankfully heard the whimper. She hurried over and moved close, laying down next to her and trying to silently snuggle up to her "i miss budders but Im scared" she said softly sounding more lonely and confused than she looked.

noise

her head lifts quickly, so quick she has to blink groggily for a few moments as her vision swims with the dizzying force. however after blinking rapidly the figure her way comes into focus and it's neither helios or zeph. of course it's not, stupid. she bites back the bitter disappointment to well up in her chest as lainie takes the last few steps to reach her. the feeling doesn't last long though for as soon as her sister lays down and snuggles into her the little dove relaxes muscles she didn't even realise had been previously tensed and allows for a small sigh to slip from her jaws as she nestles into the embrace- a small flicker of warmth building in her chest amidst the hurt. despite everything she was not alone, at least there was that. her lainie was still here and polaris pushes her nose into her fur with an almost vicious intensity, fueled by a sudden desperation to make sure she stays. because if two could leave doesn't that mean one more could too? and polaris couldn't allow that, she wouldn't...she couldn't...it'd be too awful to imagine. being alone. 

she'd nod quietly at the words, eyes stinging as tears pricked at their corners. something about hearing that even lainie, brave, strong willed lainie was scared made her heart ache with a new intensity. and even weirder, she felt anger, how could they do that to lainie? to her? but then anxiety crashes down again and guilt because maybe they had no choice, maybe something had happened...she shifts, chewing at her lip as her mind swirls. it's exhausting. 

in the end all she can get out is a strained "why" although after a few moments she does at least realise that it seems as if she's questioning her sister's fear which is silly, obviously she knows that. she struggles for a few moments before finally getting out an elaboration. "why would they...why did they...." it's all that she manages now before another bitter whimper slips free and she paws at the ground. where did they go?

Lainie was startled by the ferocity with which her sister shoved her face against her And after a moment of tense muscles she relaxed and snuggled into her. She could hear the pain in Polaris's voice and it hurt just as badly if not more than the fact that their brothers had just left without a word. She didn't know what to do but she wanted someone to tell what she had seen to. Polaris wasn't the one though, she didn't want to be responsible for telling Polaris the awfulness she had witnessed. "Zeph did something really bad...he probably got scared. I dunno why Helios would go" she didn't want to explain further than that and it could be heard in how her tone sounded tense and cold. She paused a moment and gently tried to tickle her sister though she stopped only a few seconds into it, not feeling up to it. "I'm here Polaris, I'm not going anywhere...they'll be back, they wouldn't do this forever" she tried to provide some hope her own voice shaking from the effort of trying to be strong.

sorry for the wait!<3

something twists in the little dove's stomach- an ugly emotion rearing it's head and something she doesn't like to feel often; suspicion. and with it comes to beginnings of flickering anger. lainie knows something and....and didn't tell her? they were her brothers too! and as it likes to do all too much, insecurity comes out to play and with insecurity comes quickly made up assumptions which never do any good for anyone. 'do they all think i'm weak just because i don't act as tough as them all the time?' she draws away from the darker girl quite suddenly, slowly transitioning bi-eyes flickering now as she regards her through a narrowed gaze. come to think about it, she was always treated like a baby wasn't she, lainie wasn't just offering her support she was comforting her like she was some pathetic little weakling unable to handle the truth. 'something..' like what was that supposed to mean?

it's likely she's overreacting but she's confused, upset and REALLY tired so emotions are definitely running high and finding out she's the only sibling not knowing what's going on is in no way fun. glaring, she lets that anger wash over her, picking it over the crumbling hurt at being left out because well, anger brought an odd kind of buzz with it that she wasn't used to and definitely didn't make her feel weak like whimpering about it would. "you..." she begins, voice quivering as her tail whips from side to side in agitation. "do you think i'm too weak to handle the truth?" she finally spits, surprised at her sudden want to see her sister flinch away. yea, even 'ittle polaris can get mad too! her sister's promise does little to ease her frustration either, her eyes simply drop bitterly to small paws as ears fall back against her head. 

'i don't need you' 

the words remain unspoken on the tip of her tongue, the adrenaline fueled emotion wanting nothing more than to unleash the piercing words but her own building regrets for the outburst already battling it back before she could take the full jump. her shoulders sag, deflated once again as the hurt now washes in- drowning out the mighty flames and leaving her with a bitter resentment for the whole situation. still, her paws remain stubbornly rooted to the ground as she refuses to meet her sibling's gaze- nervous as to what she might find but still unwilling to try and fix it.

It wasn't expected that her sister, her favorite sibling, sweet Polaris, would turn on her. The gory images of what she had witnessed flashed inside her mind and she shrank back her eyes going wide and lips quivering as a wave of hurt came over her. Her brow furrowed and she backed away tail drooping between her legs. "N...No!" she stammered, protesting weakly against the anger. She didn't understand what she had done wrong, if she hadn't witnessed what had happened she knew for sure she wouldn't have wanted to know what Zephyr had done. Hearing it was so so much easier than seeing it, than hearing the awful screams of Maman. 

Why do all my siblings hate me?...

She knew it wasn't true but in the moment when their brothers had abandoned them she had thought they could rely on one another. Now her sister had turned on her too, papa hadn't been around to talk to and she was too scared to talk to Maman. She felt so alone and lost in the moment that she tore her gaze away from her sister's and swallowed down the hurt, choosing instead to give Polaris what she wanted. "He killed one of Maman's babies. I hid and saw it happen" she spat the words out and her ears went back  "It was so awful..i just wanted to make you hurt less instead of more.." she whispered and dropped her head, too close to tears to continue talking. She stood there silently fighting back wave after wave of emotion that for a child as young as her was crippling. 

its okay!

that look in her sibling's eyes as she drew back sharply as if having been physically struck by polaris was something the silver girl would possibly never forget. and with it the strange feeling to come over her because for a moment and yes it was the briefest of moments but it still existed- there was satisfaction. some deep part of her was proud of her success in drawing out such an awful reaction but it flashed through her so briefly one could argue that it had ever really been there before guilt came crashing down like a monstrous tidal wave. she knew though and that was enough, it would bother her for a long time yet.

ears pin back against her head in distress but she doesn't know what to do so simply remains rooted to her spot- wide gaze anxiously watching lainie's movements but unable to even attempt to fix what she's done. what can she really say? sure the anger had been perhaps a bit much and she hadn't really meant to hurt the other so much (right?) but that didn't stop what she said being true. she was unhappy to know she was the only one left in the dark about what happened and she still believes wholly that that's an understandable reaction. still....that fear in lainie's eyes is like nothing she's ever witnessed before and it haunts the pup even when she has to hastily glance away to escape it. 

however once the darker pup begins to speak she peeps back, oddly relieved that lainie's not looking back at her- frankly scared to see that look again. the words though...she felt like she was far away and hearing them from a great distance because- w-what???? 

killed?
killed?
KILLED???

her body drops low to the ground in a crouch, head swimming and for a moment she fears she'll topple over but it doesn't happen. she doesn't truly understand the word- what does it mean?? but finds herself unable to voice the question, scared to hear lainie go through more to explain it and fearful of the answer. she does know it's bad though, very, very bad. because their food, adults kill food right? and that in itself distresses her even more than it seems to with the other pups, she refuses to engage in any hunts that others seem so excited about. only eating what's already....dead?killed? ??????/?? 

but maman's pups...not food and zephyr....killed? she feels sick.

she's distantly aware that lainie has drawn away and some part of her screams within to go to her, comfort her, show her she's still there and she's not angry at her for holding that back. she seen it after all....but she doesn't, she can't. her brain swims and everything feels like it's falling apart around her and for now all she can bear to do is press herself against the ground and squeeze little eyes shut as if she could block out the whole world and pretend nothing existed.

It felt good to no longer hold what she had seen inside of her, the relief she felt was almost physical. She felt lighter, more free....

The silence from her sister ruined it. The relief was replaced by an even more heavy guilt and she slowly looked up to see Polaris shaking, the look on her face eerily similar to the one Lainie was sure she had made watching the incident happen. Maman's screams echoed inside her head and she shivered, revulsion at what she had done making her shut her eyes. If she couldn't see the horror on her sister's face then she could pretend this hadnt happened right? She sighed, the breath trembling and rough as she slowly moved toward her sister "He didn't mean it...I'm sure he didn't mean it" she whispered though she sounded uncertain and as if she was trying to comfort herself too. "Please don't hate me Polaris I'm sorry I didn't say anything I was just...I've been so scared and they left...I miss them...I won't keep secrets again" she pleaded with her softly, just wanting to hug her and feel close to someone, anyone again. "Maybe we can go look for them?" She asked her eyes brightening a little at the idea of the two of them hunting for their brothers. Had papa or momma gone to look yet?

last from me! will i start another thread set 2-3 days after where they go exploring?

she knows lainie's only trying to help reassure her, maybe even reassure herself with the words she speaks but polaris cringes away from them even further. something about hearing her try to make sense of it makes it seem realer and polaris is far from even accepting the fact that it's happened let alone trying to justify it. it gets worse though because suddenly her sister is pleading with her and the urge to scream bubbles up quite suddenly; to yell that she doesn't hate lainie, she LOVEs her endlessly, even more now that she went through that to offer her the truth. but she also wants to beg her to be quiet, please, please, pleaseeeee just shh for a minute because she cannot think and her head is spinning and it's all a bit much right now. so she says nothing, simply lowering her head so that it rests atop her paws. the blades of grass tickle at the sensitive skin of her nose but she doesn't even seem to notice as eyes remain scrunched closed. 

breathe 

that's what she had to focus on. nothing else, not zephyr or dead or prey or lainie. just breathe. 

in
out
in
out
inhale...1,2,3
and exhale...1,2,3

slowly she felt herself begin to calm- the words used by parents and always ignored after bad dreams or anxious bouts for once seeming to have a real effect. usually she wouldn't even think to try it, kind of always suspecting it was just a silly method used on babies but with nothing else to focus on she could learn now that it actually worked. her heart beat slowed and quick, panicked breaths regained some normality. it all sounded rather dramatic but in reality the side effects of all this crashing down on her felt oddly similar to if she'd just thrown a tiring tantrum. blinking blearily, she peers up at her sister.

guilt hit her with the force of a boulder at her distraught expression, she was no better than her brothers if she put lainie through that too. yet still...she doesn't know what to even begin to the dark furred pup. all she wants to do is tell her she's wrong, she's either lying or seen it wrong but the look in her eyes as she spoke those terrible words could never have been put on. but she can't face such a truth, not yet and so there's nothing she can say. 

what even was the last thing said? oh yea, looking for them. swallowing uncomfortably, she pushes her small body up from its crouch; looking extremely bedraggled but not noticing in the slightest. "i..yea, m-maybe" is all she manages to mumble out, still unable to meet the others gaze for fear of the hurt she knew she'd have to witness. "i uh, gotta go - maybe later" all she does is nod as she backs up, gaze remaining downcast as she turns hastily on a paw and sprints away. guilt roars in her ears as her heart begs her to go back and stop being so horrible but she just can't face it yet and so with fresh tears stinging the corners of her eyes she simply runs.

Lainie stopped moving when Polaris cringed backwards and a sick sinking feeling made her feel like she just wanted to back to the den and sleep forever. She blinked slowly and hung her head, refusing to look at her sister again as she was given barely more than an agreement that didn't sound convincing and a quick "gotta go" before she was left sitting there and wishing that she had never followed Zephyr to begin with. "oh...okay" she murmured but Polaris was already gone and she stared at the grass between her paws and breathed in once, twice, three times before she began to cry. The tears streamed down her face and she didn't make a sound, the only evidence of her heartache being the occasional jerk of her shoulders and quiet sniffle. After a few minutes she stood up and slowly wandered until shw found a tree where she could curl against it's roots and hide away. 

Yeah! If you want to start another one I'm down!