Hushed Willows if we never make it back to california i want you to know i love you

timelines are fake but this is roughly probably a few hours after big arrival thread, @Seabreeze/@Lily /whoever?!

he does not find brilliance or solomon. he returns to an empty sanctuary, the trail of his friends leading away, and remembers -- of course. they'd talked about escaping from the stench of death, the mangled cat-bodies, more of delight's various failures neatly stacked. 

bitterly he can't help but wonder what his life would be if he had not left the forest at all.

it would not be difficult for the chancellor-cum-shiva to catch up, and he starts to, but something holds him back from completely reintergrating into his pack-mates path. there is too much sorrow and anger in him right now -- he does not want to show his face yet. does not want to apologize again. and then alarian breaks from the group and --

his heart is already too heavy. what is one more small tragedy?

eventually there is nowhere left for him to linger back. lily's territory is beautiful; delight has grown tired of beauty. wearily he calls out -- i'm here, i haven't left you -- and sets out into the willows.

She was hasty to answer the call, knowing it was of the utmost importance. It was slow-going--she was still not used to having to weave through trees, dodge tangles of brush--but she eventually made it to where Delight was, and pushed her muzzle against his cheek without thought, happy to see him again. She pulled away, entirely cognizant of the sadness he wore like a cloak.

"You made it," Lily said softly, her eyes soft. "What happened, Delight? The. . .the children?" She had vaguely noticed the absence of two of his pups, though with everything else going on, it was impossible to give it the proper attention it needed.

Not to mention, Alarian. . . She wondered if he knew. Blow after blow after blow--

Mali was still searching even as darkness set in since I think theoretically it should be evening by this thread maybe.  Obviously he wasn't having much luck, but he was still giving it a go because the other options were worse.  He still met the other children and their mothers with snarling words and shows of dislike and was bluntly going to refuse to be folded in to their group. There had to be something else.

His father's call was his salvation, and Mali barreled through the unfamiliar landscape in that direction. He showed up a little after Lily, barging in and interrupting anything that might have been being said, Where were you! Are the others with you? This is dumb, we need to go back and wait for them!  He was angry, tired, frustrated, and probably a whole other array of emotions, but none of them were good.

he does not mind when his slow trek is interrupted -- delight had announced himself, after all. but he does not have it in him to respond to lily's affectations, the brush of her snout earning only a small grimance, the corners of his eyes pulling tight as if barracading him. her kindness is nearly unbearable. 

delight opens his mouth to answer and finds he can't. he shakes his head, offering only a helpless look. mali's sudden arrival spares him from having to try to find the words -- how does he find the words -- his son's anger is somehow easier to confront than anything else, even as it draws more guilt upon him. like a cloak, yeah. a cloak sounds about right. "mali," he murmurs, and swallows. "i was with your mother. no, brilliance and sol aren't with me. no, we can't go back." delight lowers himself. his bones are tired. "we don't know where brilliance and solomon went," he tells his son quietly, "but the sanctuary isn't safe for us anymore. remember all the cats? they were making us ill." will mali understand? probably not, and delight doesn't begrudge him for his childish anger. he should have been here to explain during the move, he should have been there instead of being sick and letting brilliance and solomon run away, he should have been a million things that he is not. 

but, "i'm here now, promise," delight says, "and we'll keep looking for your sisters, okay?" he half expects queenie to turn up over his shoulder, armed and ready to whisk mali away with her -- would he stop her at this point? probably not. for now, though, he'll do what he can. drawing himself back up he looks again at lily, trying to feign a smile that looks more like a delicate frown. "i spoke to alarian," he tells her, not wanting to hold onto any other details. let's get it all out in the open: terrible father delight singing-sunlight loses daughters and partner in one fell swoop. not that he really has the energy to feel anything about alarian right now. save that crisis for next week's lunch, amirite?

The dappled boy she wasn't very familiar with burst onto the scene, and his obvious distress caused her ears to flatten, eyes troubled. She was relieved when Delight addressed it, though her co-leader obviously had difficulties as well--why wouldn't he? Their whole family had been turned upside down. She couldn't emphasize, not entirely, but she could imagine how turbulent that must feel.

"What did he say?" Lily asked, trying to focus more on the matter she could control (for let's face it, if Alarian being missing was stressing her out, pups on the run was completely above her paygrade). "What's going on, Delight?"

This was supposed to be a new leaf for the Sanctuary, a fresh start. Instead, they had came in fractured and were now desperately trying to sweep up the pieces and put it all back together again. Lily knew it was a daunting task ahead of them.

He snapped, If it was their stupid pups, we wouldn't have left!  And they left without you too!  It seemed obvious to him that they weren't really wanted here.  I don't care about the cats, we need to go back 'cause they aren't gonna find us here!  By then it was sounding like the anger had burned, leaving just the frustrated and tired boy.   He came closer, striding up to try to shove his father back up onto his feet and back towards their real home with one of his own bony shoulders.  Yeah, though he was growing, he still likely wasn't going to be much effort to resist -- he just didn't have the mass.  That was about when Mali gave up, dropping to his rear with an oscillating whine and ears out sideways.  Fine, whatever. Talk about adult stuff.

his face creases, overwhelmed by mali and lily's respective shouting and questioning. everything eventually slips between his fingers -- he's never been able to hold on to anything, has he? "mali," delight says, making his voice sharp, "i chose to leave, knowing we would move soon. i shouldn't have left you alone, and i'm sorry for that, but we cannot go back. i'll take you with me and we can go that way to look for them, okay?" it's not temper-fueled so much as insistent. he isn't about to give up, he means that, but he needs to rest and figure out what to do. "there's another pack close to there," delight adds, glancing up at lily so she knows this too, "your mother and i spoke to them, so they'll keep an eye out for us, too." 

mali seems to give up, though, as delight refuses to budge from his shoving. anxiously he reaches out to groom behind his ears, some little gesture of apology/affection, and lets his gaze fall back on lily. "alarian isn't coming," he says tiredly, and opens his mouth to say more but closes it. the intimacy of their conversation doesn't need to be divulged, and really, he doesn't have the words for it yet. instead he shakes his head and shrugs helplessly.

as for the other thing, "and brilliance and solomon ran off -- i thought they'd gone with queenie, but she came back and we realised they were just gone, so i went to look for them -- sorry," delight adds, with the grace to be sheepish. "we spoke to the wolves that live on the glacier, ikkanattuk, but they hadn't seen them. i have no idea where they could've gone."

The tantrum barely phased her; she stood through it, letting both it and Delight's rebuke slip in and out of her mind without comprehension. She was dreamy-eyed when Delight finally addressed her, and had to shake herself back to attention, straightening and clearing her throat awkwardly. It took a second or two to register, then. . .

"Oh," she said just as succinctly, her voice clipped. "I see."

Delight didn't want to explain, and she didn't want to ask for elaboration. Alarian wasn't coming--simple as that. She wasn't going to pretend it didn't hurt, but-- "What about Korei? Is she with him? Did they leave together?" Even if Alarian's absence was not a surprise, Korei's was.

She shook her head, insistent. "Don't apologize at all," Lily responded. "Any of us would have done the same in your paws. I'm so sorry, Delight. I hope they turn up--I'll certainly keep an eye out for them, or. . . Do you want me to look, too?" She flashed him a weak smile, trying to ease the tension. "Might help to have another pair of eyes searching for them."

He's kind of skippable now!

Honestly, Mali doesn't seem to be appeased by this at all.  He wanted action done yesterday.  And the fact that Delight didn't dispute the fact the mothers wouldn't have left if it was their cubs just reinforced his opinion.  Though he tilts his head into his father's touch, Mali seemed quite willing to just sit and sulk in a huff.

Though he had wondered what happened to Alarian, he was lower on the list of priorities for the pup, for obvious reasons.  But if he really was gone too, that was one less wolf he was comfortable around.  That wasn't good.  He didn't like this place already.

he feels for his son, he does, but he does not have the energy to make things right. at least he stays with him and does not leave as his sisters did -- though honestly could delight blame him? no. he has done terribly and it is his burden and his burden only to bear. but he shouldn't let that guilt ruin every interact he has with his remaining child, he knows -- so he'll have to take it quietly.

lily asks about korei and delight pauses, but shakes his head, offering a helpless shrug. maybe yes, he thinks it is a fair assumption to make given their closeness, but he cannot say for sure. her dismissal of his apology earns a tight smile, though he says, "thank you, lily." at first it is all he can say, overwhelmed by a sudden flood of emotion. oh. here he is with only mali left to his name. "um -- yes, that would be. i'd appreciate that, yes. 

"so this is where we're staying?" he asks, finally letting himself look around at the home lily's chosen for them. he had registered its beauty easily but the details remain blurred -- perhaps he should ruminate on aesthetics another time, but he is so desperate to talk about anything that is not queenie, alarian, or his daughters.

Throughout her time at the Sanctuary, Lily had felt as if there were deeper layers of these wolves that she would never see. Always something lingering under the surface, pestilent and relentless. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get to it. She felt often like the uninvited guest at a party--tolerated, but not welcome. Her interactions with Delight were no different.

She gave a shaky smile to his question, nodding. Yes, it is, Lily responded, letting her eyes wander over the silky, drooping branches and leaves. It is beautiful. I hope it will bring everyone happiness. More than hope, really. They were in desperate need of some cheer, after all that had transpired.

I will patrol tomorrow in search of your daughters, she continued, glancing back at Delight. Then her gaze fell to Mali, so sullen and lonely. We'll find your sisters--I promise. She hated to make empty vows, but the blackbird wouldn't rest until Delight had all his children back.

if delight could read lily's concerns he could make some attempt at apology -- it is not lily specifically who he tries to shut out, but he cannot help being opaque. dancing around the edges of what he wants to say is second nature -- he does not have it in him to be open. very few can coax a blunt truth from him; maybe seabreeze, rarely alarian. jomyo, strangely, and at moments queenie, when she shocks it out of him, but even then they come with blades embedded.

but he can't read minds, and so: "we could all use a little more happiness," delight agrees, drawing a smile. less pleasant is the return to the topic of his daughters, though of course he does not feel ungrateful for the promise, and so he mumbles "thank you," again, his own gaze returning briefly to mali's sullen form. do his children hate him, he wonders, for the chaos he has unintentionally made of their lives? there'd been -- ha, no, there'd never been a plan, just delight fumbling in the dark. it doesn't make it any easier, though.

"i think it's time to rest," he says, voice soft -- ostensibly about poor mali, though he is the one about to collapse from fatigue, and it shows in his face. gently the androgyne moves towards his son, to nudge him toward -- well, "maybe -- would you mind showing me to the dens?" delight asks sheepishly, something of a wincing smile pinching his features momentarily inward.

Yes, of course, Lily responded, pushing back all the self-pity she had in order to properly serve her packmates in her new role. It wouldn't do to be selfish, not now. Not before, either. . .but certainly not now. They're not too far away. I could use the rest, myself.

She began to pad away, flicking her tail for Delight and (if he wanted to) Mali to follow. All the while, she mused over the changes they had experienced, for better and for worse. The new territory was beautiful, but it seemed as if things were falling apart within the ranks.

How could she fix this?