Stone Circle a fair chance

After returning from the meadow where she had seen Merrick and Indra's reincarnation tear into Riley, Laurel had stuck to herself mostly. She didn't know how to process all these emotions at all, especially not alone. Especially not without Indra. She had to bring Indra back, and part one of that plan was to establish someone who would help her. Xan had already said that he would help her, that he would guard her, that he would do anything. The fear from Greyback had subsided somewhat (though, like any man, she feared him a lot still). Xan was the only one that she did not completely fear; in part, this was because she remembered how easy he was to manipulate. She'd manipulated him into making her Alpha of his pack once, after all. It made her feel in control, unlike when she was with any other man, who were all wildcards. Another part was that she had told him that she wanted him and he had recognised that she was lying. He would not take her even when she was in heat, and that made him the wolf she trusted more than anyone right now. Even Iliksis' dark voice inside of her head could not convince her that Xan, too, would take advantage of her if he could. He had gotten all the opportunities. She'd literally told him that he could.

And he had not.

Laurel decided to seek out @Xan that day because she wanted to see him. It had been long since their last visit, and a part of her missed him in a way that she hadn't missed anyone for a long time. Anyone but her dear children and her sister, of course — but for this to happen with anyone who wasn't family, well, it was rare, to say the least. She trailed along the Easthollow pack lands, searching for Xan's trail in hopes of finding him soon.

Xan was returning from the pack’s outskirts when he spied her, stumbling slightly as he tried to stop too suddenly. His coat was mucked up and disheveled, nearly polar opposite to its usually pristine condition; there was an inkling of shame in being seen in such a condition but he ignored it the best he could.

“Laurel,” he greeted as she drew nearer, a slow sway of his tail paired along. “How are you?” His curiosity was genuine, touched gently with uncertainty.

Laurel didn't notice Xan's disheveled coat at first, as she was so set on finding him that she just walked up to him right away. She didn't even notice how he stumbled to a sudden halt. Xan, she greeted, a mixture between odd formality and uncharacteristic softness in her voice. She opened her mouth to answer his question at first, but then suddenly noticed that he looked off.

As she gave him another one-over she noticed how disheveled and dirty he looked. Had he not been taking care of himself? Laurel, despite (or perhaps because of, on some level) being an emotional mess, still looked in pristine condition herself. I'm alright, she lied, because there was little alright with her life these days. But there was one thing that could be alright. That could get alright. Why do you look like shit? she asked him, unable to keep her mouth shut about the state that he was in. Before you answer that — I was looking for you, actually. I just want to say a few things. One thing, mostly. You said that you wanted to make it up to me. I want to give you a chance. A real chance. Xan, I.... She took a step closer, feeling a shiver at the thought of physical closeness to anyone that wasn't Indra but knowing she needed to push past it now. I want another chance, too. I want another family. I want... I want to make up for being such a bad mother before. And I — She swallowed thickly and looked up at Xan, her eyes shining with emotion. I want it to be with you. They could both use a second chance at life and at family.

She needed this... For Indra, for recreating Indra (she didn't tell him about the plan, of course). In some way her words were true; she did feel like she needed to make up for it all, and she did long to have the perfect, happy family picture. A part of her knew that that would never be her, that she would always find a way to fuck it up for the kids. But she wanted to try, oh damn it did she want to try, because if she stopped trying that meant she had to admit the truth.

You're a bad mother who only ever loved some of her children and beat the others until either they complied or left.

The greeting was returned and his question answered, although, in the back of his head, he questioned how sincere her response was—could she really be alright? Could anyone? However skeptical he might have been, he didn’t voice it, choosing to instead take her words at face value. Besides, there were far more pressing matters at hand.

A question, one she cut right in after before he could respond. Perhaps, had it been anyone else, he might have minded—but what was said and the who that said it silenced the albino. And when finally he found his voice again, only a few words would form:

“Are you sure?”

It wasn’t that this wasn’t what he wanted—all he wanted was her at his side, to show her how much he cared—but he wondered if she truly felt the same. Did she really want another chance with him? “Is that really what you want?” he asked, frozen where he stood. He wanted to celebrate, to reach out to her and run his muzzle through her fur, but he couldn’t—not yet. Part of him still feared that, if he reached out to her, she’d vanish, and he couldn’t bear even the thought of that.

He asked her if she was sure. Of course she wasn't; she was afraid, terrified, but she couldn't keep living in fear. If she didn't take this leap she would be caged forever. He asked her again if that was really what she wanted, and she nodded Yes... You want him, don't you, dearest? But maybe not like that. But you can't just touch me, ever. Her voice grew a bit colder again. Not without... You have to ask me if you can. Every time, I mean it. Or I will tear you apart. Her voice was cold as she said it, just to make it clear that she wasn't joking there. Those were the terms, because otherwise Iliksis would see her consumed in fear.

Yes...

But the answer was not without terms. He was not surprised but curious—concerned, actually, about why said terms were set. It almost felt familiar.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Only with your permission.” He could remember that—he could honour that.

Laurel waited to see what he would think of her terms, but he accepted them without struggle. It was a relief for Laurel; finally it seemed like there was a chance that their lives would figure themselves out after all. A small smile broke through Laurel's cold façade. Good. She wasn't really sure what to do now. He just kept standing there, already honouring their agreement by not moving in to hug her or anything. It made her feel just a little bit safe, at least.

After a moment of silence Laurel moved forward and she gently bumped her nose against his cheek. It was the first time she had touched anyone voluntarily, softly, since Indra had died.