Wheeling Gull Isle godspeed

October 13th, 2023

Was this supposed to happen?

I don't think I could've expected this. I don't think any of us did. I don't know what I thought I'd feel. In some way I guess I figured this day would never come, you know, Daddy? I thought you were— I thought you were invincible, I guess. And I thought maybe, even while I was gone, like— some part of me hoped this would all work itself out.

I came when I heard Gramma calling for us, and I — my own screams are still hurting my ears. And I don't think I'll ever forget how it felt to hug you and not hear your heartbeat. That heartbeat used to help me fall asleep. But you were still warm. My last memory of you, my last memory of touching you, will be warm. And I think I'm okay with that.

Why does it feel so heavy? Why does my chest hurt so bad? It's been— hours, a few hours, I think, and I still can't breathe. I still smell you everywhere. I'm in the den right now, the one we lived in when I was a baby, and I can't— it's so cold in here.

You're never gonna celebrate my birthday with me. And you'll never see me get married, or— or meet my children, or my nieces and nephews. I wonder if they'll look like you.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this. I don't know who I'm talking to. I feel crazy right now, talking to myself. Can you hear me?

Was it my fault?

That day I left with Mama, I— I don't know. I was so mad. And— I'm still mad, I think, I don't know. But I'm sorry. I never got the chance to tell you that. But I am. I'm sorry, Daddy, okay? I'm really sorry. I wish I would've— I would've known, should we have known? Were there signs that we missed? Was there something I could've done?

Is God as nice as you always said he was?

Why would he take you from me?

I don't know if God is real anymore. And I don't think he's a very nice God if he is. Because why would he do this? There's a reason for everything, but what could this possibly be for? Didn't he know that I still need you? That Mama and Gramma and my siblings need you?

Do you know that I love you?

I never stopped loving you. And I'm sorry. I wish I would've told you that more often, like when I would fall asleep before getting to tell you, or— or when we'd argue, or when you'd catch food for us and I didn't thank you, or when I'd leave to go look for the flowers without telling you. You never told me what your favorite flowers were. What are they? I'll find them for you. I promise.

We still haven't found Judah.

Are you really gone?

How am I supposed to live with this? Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me? Why, why— I don't know what I'm gonna do, Daddy, I— I'm so scared. I'm scared! I'm scared, and I can't—

I think I need to sleep. I need— I need to sleep, yeah, I do.



I love you.