Tuktu Hinterlands So I'll go- but I'm telling you, I don't wanna go.

'Cause this song has always given me the feels. "Basket" by Dan Mangan.

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We are young, we have years ahead- maybe
we might fall in love...Or fall apart. 
Or fall apart. 
Before it ends, well, we
should try to start
So I'll go, but I'm telling you I don't
wanna go
Could be stuck here and happy.

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Light snow fell the night Niamh left the plateau, picking her way carefully down the slope, begged to do so by the ankle that had once betrayed her and sent her catapulting down, down down- and into something that had left a mark on her heart forever. She couldn't remember the sensation of falling, but she did remember the very moment that she looked up and saw a pair of eyes watching her. They'd been both laughing and concerned, those eyes; rich and warm and twinkling, like the stars that hovered above her. But unlike those celestial beings, she no longer had those warm eyes watching over her. They were no longer the last thing she saw before she fell asleep, nor the first thing she saw when she woke. And it was a saddening feeling; she would have easily given up all of the stars that hung overhead to have those eyes twinkling merrily at her again. 

-----

So there's a puzzle I work on endlessly
And I've got the sides and all the corners-
but there's a space.
Yeh there's a space.
Lost some pieces I...
Can't replace.
So I'll be- but I'm telling you I don't
wanna be
Just a wasted puzzle piece. 
-----

All she knew now, every morning she woke up, was an ache where love used to be, cold where warmth used to be. And she was not alone- for she was fortunate to have others around her who kept an eye on her and watched for her to show signs of needing something, but part of her could never be watched closely enough, and it had slipped away, lost, like a coveted heirloom that had somehow managed to disappear despite being so well cared for. All it seemed to take was one simple mistake, and it was gone. And though she tried to push the pieces of her life back together, that space was still there- small but still so utterly profound and painful. She hid it well most days, but like a window with a crack, the cold air continued to seep in and chill her heart, no matter how much she tried to close it off. 

-----

We are old and our son took the dog away
and fair enough- I guess, we're
tired all the time.
All the time.
And you know dogs, they need
ample time outside. 
-----

Perhaps one of the greatests losses she felt was one she hadn't even had in her possession. They'd been nothing more than a dream, a hope- a topic of conversation that had made her smile every time she had brought it up or called it to mind. That dream, with those warm little noses and sweet little toe beans had been called away from her, even though she had begun to recognize, while she slept, the little traits that each bore, and the sound of their names. She'd dreamt them as though they'd been a promise, something tangible and real, something that was definite- an inevitability. Those dreams were still there but with each night their little quirks, their features, their sweet little voices faded, and she could no longer remember their names. Fair enough...She wouldn't have been whole enough to give them the love they deserved on her own, let alone breathe life into their being.

-----
So I'll stay, but I'm telling you I don't wanna stay. 
So I'll brace myself against the wall
and hope to god that I don't fall

-----

There had been an opportunity for her to find herself again- but perhaps not herself, but a new self...One that had been awakened by a pair of mismatched eyes that had bedazzled her and given her strength...But who was it that those eyes had awakened? It felt like there was a stranger living inside of her, dormant most of the time, and only called to consciousness by the possibility that she could run away and leave everything behind...But only a fool would run after such a thing, and she'd matured enough to know that her impulses were not cardinal points. Her friends and family were. She felt very much like a vessel floating on the water- the waves begged her to sail on, to float away from her pain and self-pity...But her anchor held her in place, while the waves and storm passed. She had no idea how lucky she really was to have an anchor as strong as the one that she had in her life. 

-----

My bones are worn, my hip won't hold
I used to be so young- how did I get so old?
Won't you take my cane and hold my hand-
you're holding onto all I have
Just a basket full of memories
And I am losing more each day it seems but-
if I can make it to the street, I'll steal a car, or a bike or whatever there
is to steal
And it might get cold I just don't care
I'm going 'til I'm getting there
I'll ride my steed all through this town 'til I-
-----

She felt as though she was trespassing, when she first spotted the rolling hills in the distance, blue now under the light of the crescent moon that hung on its tip overhead. Warily she moved forward, and took time to make sure that she was alone, but as in her life, she could only see so far, due to the ever bending, leaping, sprawling horizon that hid so many shadows and secrets in its unseen depths. She could not bring herself to bask in the shadow created by the tree's branches arching high up into the sky, but she felt she was close enough that if the tree itself awakened, she would be both seen and heard, and watched keenly, as the one object that stood out as gold against the silvery blue landscape behind her. She felt exposed- but it was nothing less than she deserved. She held her breath; she'd found the words to say over the time it took her to voyage to this sacred place, but like her pawprints that trailed behind her in the snow, they'd disappeared with the gentle breeze. Still, she managed to find something to say. 

"I'm sorry." She said, softly. She spoke slowly, as though to one whose hearing had faded over the years; a soft wind rustled the tree's branches, quietly urging her to continue. "I...I didn't keep my vows. And it's not fair; he should have had you his whole life. And you should have had him for longer than you did. You deserved it. I had it...And I broke it. I'm sorry."

She didn't feel that it would make her life any easier, or that it would take the guilt off her shoulders. It wouldn't ease the ache in her heart or the sting she felt when she saw others together, with the one they had chosen. It wouldn't bring her brother back, and it wouldn't bring her mate back, either. She knew she wouldn't be forgiven- and she didn't expect any sign that she'd been heard whatsoever. But she wasn't so skeptical as to believe that no one heard her; the energy she felt in the air told her that she was not alone, and that she would never truly be alone. 

-----

Have looked...And I have found.
Your peaceful memory. 
Won't return to me.
Won't you return to me. 
-----

Those who die never truly leave. For within them dwells an energy that has no mark of creation, nor a date of expiry. There was a tangible energy in the air built up of a thousand souls- and all Niamh could do was hope that her words had reached the right one. 

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