Tuktu Hinterlands So I'll go- but I'm telling you, I don't wanna go.

When Colt spoke, Niamh listened. She could hear the anger in his voice and could tell that being fed up was an understatement by far- though it killed her to realize that. Comparatively, her eyes were wide open now to the errors she’d made- and making excuses was the wrong thing to do. She was a sentimental creature, but a selfish one- so putting her pride aside made her feel vulnerable as all of her flaws were exposed before her- and like a criminal ready, finally, to plead guilty, she felt that there was nothing she could say that would rectify the situation. But she was going to be damned if she didn’t try. 

”No, no-“ She interjected, suddenly keen on voicing her opinion as he refused to apologize. She agreed- and would have shot down any apology he tried to make. Truthfully, it would have been easier on her had he apologized- it might have meant that he felt some remorse and she would have felt good telling him that he had nothing to apologize for...But he already knew that. She wasn’t talking to some inexperienced young buck- and she should have known better. He’d taken quite a chance on someone as young and green as she, and she had failed him. 

When he paused, it pained her to look up at him, bristling as he was- but she nodded solemnly. He was right; he knew loss, and she was foolish to prioritize her own losses over his- which was what she’d done. Colt had simply wanted to find Ceara and Niamh had been so far removed from his own pain that it sickened her now. Now that she felt the loss of having two brothers wiped off the map at once. She hadn’t known then, but that was no excuse. She’d been so mucnmore preoccupied wth Ambrose’s death that she’d failed to see what Colt was going through too. And now she was complaining of being heartbroken that she’d exiled her own mate- when his, whom he’d loved so much, had died. She felt horribly ashamed of just how little she’d empathized.

He brought up her mention of having found someone else and she scolded herself for having been so irrational as to bring that up. She shook her head, eyes closed. She was quiet for a moment, but opened her eyes when he spoke again. He was done...But he hadn’t walked away. She was quiet a moment longer.

”You’re right, Colt. About everything.” She admitted. ”I shouldn’t have exiled you. I can’t even...Ugh, I was so stupid,” She said and shook her head, gritting her teeth together. ”I wasn’t there for you when I should have been. I just...I couldn’t see past my own two feet, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so selfish. And I’m sorry I wasn’t smarter. I’m sorry I just...Kicked you out, and yelled at you, and didn’t apologize and pushed you away...And that I said what I said just out of spite. Thing is...” She said and trailed off. ”I see it now, I see it all now...And I hate it; I hate everything that I did, and I hate why I did it. You...You know how to do this. You know how to love someone...And I don’t. I still don’t. I know how to feel love-“ She said, and her voice hitched. ”But I have no clue how to make love stay. I’m so sorry, Colt...That I didn’t know, and that I did things all wrong- and then fucked it up even more,” She said, inwardly scolding herself for how she’d behaved the first time she’d seen him after she’d kicked him out. ”And I wish more than anything that I could say I’ve changed and that I know how to make love stay now but I don’t. And you deserve so much more than that.”[/i]She said, and that perhaps hurt the most. Only then did she become aware of the hot tears trickling down her cheeks and beginning to freeze on the tips of her fur. She couldn’t even honestly tell him that if he forgave her, or took her back that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes and it hurt knowing that. 

”I won’t come back here again. But I can’t leave you. I can’t...I’ll never be able to apologize enough...But that...That won’t stop me from trying.”