Broken Boulder cause I'm still breathing on my own

why do I think this so often when writing

He was relieved to hear that everything was fine, but it pricked at him a bit to hear he hadn't missed anything. Of course he hadn't— nothing ever happened. But he was too tired, then, to think about that. The hurt he had felt leaving also escaped him in these moments of exhaustion, but that was perhaps for the best. Vulnerable as he was, it would have brought nothing but conflict.
Then she brought up Lennon. He tensed, remembering her (and Lanawyn's) initial reactions to his search, and took a step back. Bitterness rose in his throat despite her kind words. Yeah. Look, I know it was stupid to try to find him. I know you're all upset with me or whatever. I just thought— I thought I was special. I thought he was special. Things like that don't happen to me, not normally. I wanted to... keep it.
Alarian looked away from his friend, still full of acid and black bile. I didn't ask for this. Lennon made me leader and then left. Running is— it's supposed to be my thing. But it can't be anymore. He paused. It didn't feel like being trapped until I realized— he left a stain on everything I have here.