Northstar Vale loom

tamar did not first go to find zosime.

she went to find @Arsenio, and sobbed out the story that meadow had told her, that the pharaoh knew their names and now their home, that she had told meadow it was not her fault.

and that their daughter had heard — "so much, i think," and her breath was a whisper of pain in her throat.

Their little paradise was compromised. A member of Epoch had caught the eye of the Pharaoh of Akashingo, and Ramesses was used to getting what he wanted. Meadow had helped them shape the vale into a home. She had aided in teaching their children. She was important to them, and it did not settle well with Arsenio that Ramesses had asked her for anything.

We will speak to our daughter. I am sure that she will have many questions and we will answer them, as honestly as we can. There is no shame in what we had to do to be here. I will not hide it away.

Arsenio looked to Tamar, afraid that she was filled with something he could not ease. He did not like to see the worry on her face. He did not like to see the flicker of panic in her eyes.

Epoch has no ties with Akashingo. It never would. We are not even a branch of Mereo. Germanikos and I did not agree on some things and so I thought it best to sever any political alliance. It was not unfriendly. It was to save us from marching to war. The Saints had been a threat in the Roman’s mind for a long time. Arsenio did not want to chase after ghosts.

We do not answer to Ramesses. He will not have what he wants, and he will have to get used to that, for once in his spoiled pathetic life. Venom laced his words.

tamar listened to her husband.

she took comfort in his words, in the confidence of his voice. but she heard there the old hatred, the fact that he had wanted to kill the pharaoh.

now maybe he would have his chance.

she tried not to think with guilt of zosime. they would speak. they would explain to her. she drew a breath. "i had thought we would tell the others, but —" her pale eyes lifted to him. "they would not understand the — girl."

Damn the girl!

Shame and anger bubbled up in him. He did not want to think of that poor whelp! He did not want to imagine what he had done to her- damning her to that life with the worst man Arsenio had ever known. It was horrible, but if he allowed himself to think on it then he knew it would consume him.

I did what I had to do. I did what I had to do to get my wife out of that horrible place. If it was not her then it would have been you and I would not allow it. I could not allow him to-

Arsenio stared at Tamar. His heart thumped wickedly in his chest. He shook his head, unable to tell her that he would have done anything to protect her from Ramesses. He would have died with his teeth clenched around the Pharaoh’s throat, if he knew it would keep her safe.

Damn the girl… I would do it again. This time he lifted his head defiantly. I would give ten- twenty girls… for you. If they will not accept it, then they do not have to.

damn the girl.

she wanted to weep.

he was not wrong. he had done anything for her and she for him. tamar did not regret his dedication. but this was her deepest shame, to have suffered and to have resigned another to suffer.

she wept, great racked and choking sobs.

Arsenio had said too much. He had been careless. Now, Tamar cried painfully. The man stood beside her. His snout reached to her head, touching her softly. 

Tamar… 

Arsenio’s eyes were heavy on her. He worried that he had fractured something inside her heart. These suffering sobs were heavy, harsh. 

Tell me… what I should do. Tell me and I will make it better.

"i do not know."

she came to him gratefully, fell into his arms.

"towhee is —" and there was an odd shame in it. that she as leader had not been first.

perhaps still she would be punished for the girl, for the omission of belen to meadow. she laid her head against his chest, drawing a calming draught of air.

Arsenio held her in his arms, head resting atop her own. He did not wish for her to feel so horrible about these matters. It was not fitting that she should escape hell and then suffer. The redstone man did not want her to endure this horrible mess anymore. 

Tamar mentioned Towhee, but she did not complete her statement. Had she told Towhee? He wondered how she might have reacted. 

Tamar, my love. You give and give. You were the same in Akashingo. You served the lady Satsu well. But you cannot give everything. There will come times when you must take for yourself so that you can keep going. 

Maybe this was how he had convinced himself to move on. This was how he got to where he could sleep again without seeing her young face - unknowing.

her eyes hurt.

she felt weak with grief.

"then i will take my silence to my grave." that was the heirloom tamar had been given, the bitter bundle of ugly memories.

she could not bear the truth being known.

if she was to sleep again, it was to know that her shame would not eke out.

If that is what you wish, then I will stand beside you.

Arsenio detested the thought of Tamar carrying the weight of that decision for the rest of her life. Guilt was such a heavy thing to carry to the grave.

What would you like to tell our daughter, though?

Perhaps she believed it best if she met with their child and offered what she could. The man didn’t know how upset their daughter had been. His heart ached for her and for Tamar. If he could shoulder the weight of this burden on his own, he would have.

her brow furrowed.

it knitted; she all but collapsed with a harsh exhale. "oh, zosime." her voice was a muffled cry. "i do not know, arsenio! i — i feel so guilty for saying it all aloud."

but it was not the time for guilt. "we must not lie. but we must say it is to remain — quiet. between us. i will answer her questions if she guards the answers."

how she hated this!

Tamar was distraught. Arsenio pulled her to him, pressing his chin to the top of her head. He understood that she did not want their children to know of that dark past. It was a difficult thing, accepting the price that they had paid for Tamar’s freedom.

I do not know that we should embed our secrets in our daughter, Tamar.

A small sigh passed from his lips. He was not upset. Arsenio did not have the answers for the problems that they faced. He might think he knew what was best, but there was no telling what might come from their actions.

But I do not know that hiding things from them is any better. She will wonder… she will ask. And if we are to tell her honestly, should be expect that she keep the information to herself?

"i never wanted them to know."

not zosime, not zulema, and not antigone. and yet one of three now carried her awful story as birthright.

"you are right, arsenio." her voice was small and tired. "i will speak to her. i will say she can ask questions. but i will not tell her to be silent."

I know, my love.

Arsenio held her to him, as close as she would allow. He preened at the fur near her ears, carefully pushing his nose into the downy fluff of sandy fur. Tamar did not deserve to carry the burden of that decision. It had been Arsenio that had agreed to trade the girl for her freedom. It had been Arsenio who had agreed and had helped facilitate the exchange. Now, his wife was forced to address the horrible details with their daughter.

I do not regret it. There was a small pause. But do you wish that I had not done it?

for a long while she did not speak.

"i do not regret it." 

the girl had been her payment from akashingo and in that intense and vital moment she had thought of herself.

"i regret that she was not warned," tamar sighed against the strong red shoulder of her husband.

The silence was piercing to him.

When she said that she did not regret what had been done, only that the girl had not been warned about what she had been traded into, Arsenio’s eyes drifted away. He could hardly remember the girl’s face. That was a horrid thing to realize, he knew. He had traded a life for the woman he held close, and he could not remember the damned girl’s face.

Some of them liked it there. Blue eyes shifted to Tamar. Many of them were there without any trades or persuasion. We do not know if the girl is unhappy. Was he trying to help ease the guilt with paper excuses? Arsenio didn’t know, couldn’t say for sure.

When he dies, we will free her, too. This idea had never left his mind.

when he dies.

tamar nodded beneath arsenio's resolution. 

and it did feel like excuses. but so did any of her own words, all crumbling. "i am tired," she murmured, pulling away somewhat. she hoped he would understand she could speak no more.

Tamar nodded, keeping her silence until she pulled away. She said that she was tired.

Arsenio watched her, expression soft. She carried so much. The familiar burning hatred for the Pharaoh ate – chunk by chunk – at his insides. Their world would be better when that man was dead. All of the Fellahin and Mazoi of Akashingo would prosper without their mad ruler. He had always been certain of this.

Go and rest. I will send Antigone with food. I am sure he would be pleased to keep you company, he said, stepping forward to kiss her snout. One last loving look into her eyes and Arsenio departed. His mind buzzed with their conversation.

<3

she smiled at the thought of their son.

tamar would fall into a deep sleep, welcoming antigone when he arrived.

she would rest. they would heal. epoch stood firm.