Firefly Glen i don't care so why do you

@Keres

Nocturnal wanderings were reserved for outside of the Glen travel. Holland shifted between waking up at odd hours to a soft routine when he wasn't traveling. The Glen was always going to be dark and it suited him just fine. He yawned inside his den, stretching out his weary body and proceeded to walk out.

There was no real plan for today. He rarely made plans unless he was working. Having tended to his garden in the twilight hours, Holland found the snow buried his efforts. He was pissed about that. He should really clear it away but alas... he was tired. His old wounds ached from the cold. His neck was uncomfortable especially.

So, instead he sat at the entrance of his den. The man couldn't see the overcast sky through the thick foliage, but it seemed like rain would be in the agenda for the next few days. He could feel it in his bones.

She had only just returned, her travel days past carrying her away from the Glen, away from her small and cold den, answering the wanderlust that sung in her veins in the true Ostrega way. Yet she did not seek to abandon, only explore; her return was bid when the frost clung to her coat, the tips of her ears numb with cold. Several nights, she had burrowed into the snow to stay warm, only to wake in the cold light of dawn and shake it all off to start anew.

Into the folds of the Glen, Keres stole away leaving her mantle of lone wanderer and explorer at the borders to don the role of packmate and friend. There were several Keres found herself thinking of, then, wondering who she might find the company of; Her nephews @Osiris, @Antares, and @Atlas, though they were likely busy patrolling and keeping the guard up as they had been since the news of Simmik's disappearance. There was @Āzon, who she knew was off traveling with another of the Glen-wolves to see and meet the packs around them. Then, of course, the wolves from Moonspear, who she kept up with regularly.

But her subconscious seemed to have a different idea, pulling her down the familiar path that led to the den of their resident medic. Snow melting from her coat, a final shake would fluff the rest into the dark air, though her ears were none the warmer for the movement. She wasn't surprised to see him sitting just at the entrance; Keres hadn't seen the medic anywhere but his garden and den since he had come to the Glen, though she did not give much thought to the realization, instead smiling gently, tiredly, as she spotted him. Hi, Keres greeted him, no requests for aid slipping from her then.

She was here to see him, after all. Not seek his help.

"Hello..." it had been a flurry of activity lately, and he hoped she was not here for any aid. Holland had all but exhausted what precious herbs he found on his pack mates. Not that he minded the practice, but he knew if push came to shove... the pack would not be able to meet demand.

He noticed her absence due to the fact she was the only one who actively sought him. Lunaria was the same, though he assumed she only wanted to teach him about the stars. Keres sought to teach him nothing. She only wanted to bug him when she needed him, as per was a healer's profession.

So a social call was not entirely unheard of... but he still preferred to be alone.

A stilted reply, though nothing that made her second guess her presence here. Over-confident, maybe, but Keres was not a wolf that sought meaning behind the veil, simply accepting things as they were presented to her. He made no effort to shoo her away and so she strode closer, stopping only when there was but a foot or so between them. 

I came to see how you're doing, The explanation left her before she could think too hard on the fact that, truly, she did not know why she was here. She only knew that she was. I've been out so haven't had the chance to stop and say hello.

He glances at her once before looking away. Words remained unsaid, though deep in his mind he was slightly offended. Perhaps it was more than offense, perhaps he was just pissed off. He hadn't a chance to be pissed off yet. Not openly. He felt he was always watching his back in the Glen. Watching what he said and how he did it.

You are not my keeper was what he wanted to say. Instead he said; "I... did not know you had left." Which was true. He had been quite busy. If Keres happened to notice this, she would see bags under his eyes. A weariness in the medic that wasn't there before, reserved only for wearisome conversations and not work ethic.

Everyone seemed to be hurt these days. Emotionally, physically... Holland realized he hadn't really bothered to sort his own shit out. All the wolves he had met had something going for them. Leta and that young man didn't even want the healer to touch them. How was he supposed to feel about that? "Did you scout for that man... and his pack?" he forced himself to take an interest.

But he found he really didn't care as long as the wolves who possibly took Simmik stayed far, far away. At least until he had a better stock of herbs. He glances back, checking to see if Keres was wounded. It seemed not.

Ears pricked at the statement, a curious feeling washing over her as she took in his words, something unreadable passing through her eyes before it sank into the depths again like a leviathan of the seas. Such an emotion would take more focus than she had to give at the moment and so, folded it away as neat as could be to examine later when she was alone. Ah, An acknowledgement left her, truly the first time she had felt awkward in his presence. A silly thought, to assume he had noticed her missing presence.

Still, confusion fluttering in her breast like a bird caged. Had he not called her friend, once? Or had that been an attempt at making nice? Those thoughts carefully tucked away into their box with a tactic many recognized as compartmentalizing, Keres listened as he turned the conversation to something she considered business, shaking her head in a simple enough answer. No, I didn't think it was wise to do so alone. I went to check about the territories adjacent the mountains to see if there was anything the pack should be worried about.

And she had not found anything, not this time. No malevolent blackbird darkening their doorstep, no hideous tiger-wolf dog to threaten their peace and quiet. Only a fresh settling of snow and the short migration of herds to watch. At least that means you shouldn't have too many patients in the coming days, right?

"You went alone?"

There was some disapproval, perhaps even worry. The woman who had been taken was a woman. Keres was a woman. Did she not think that the man who took Simmik would stop at one? Holland knew his type. He was a gluttonous sinner. If Simmik did not amuse him, he would get rid of her. Find a new toy.

And that toy could be Keres.

He raises a scarred limb to rub idly at his cheek, rubbing at the dark circles that he knew were there. "There was an influx of them while you were gone" Holland admitted, his tone removing the concern and replacing it with weariness "war or not, someone always gets hurt." Leta, Lane, Charles, Tabrielle. Even Toad Amelia.

He bites back a sigh, knowing he should not complain. Practice made perfect craft.

Ears switched back for a moment, surprise fleeting through her at his tone. While Holland was somewhat... sullen and rough-natured, she had not yet heard his voice hold anything like the displeasure it held now. I- Why was he upset? Evergreen eyes blinked owlishly, watching the man with something akin to confusion. I did. A pause. I would not risk the lives of the younger wolves of the Glen. Even Azon, out on his own scouting trip with a packmate she forgot the name of, was someone she worried about. She was older, more experienced and level headed.

The matter of his patients and the frequency of their visits was set aside for the moment, tentatively beginning to take a step forward before she stopped, remaining where she stood. Holland? She asked, voice gentle, prodding. What's the matter?

The man turns his head, scowling. It was gentle compared to most of them but still a scowl. "You went alone" he repeated, but this time it was not a question "you said you weren't going to risk the other wolves." Did that mean Keres felt her life had no meaning compared to the bright future the Glen had? Just cause she was older than them?

"You risked yourself" he pointed out "what if that bunjiro had taken you as well?" Did she not see that? And if not, why? Moonspear and the Glen can sit on their asses if they wanted, but he wouldn't have it. He would not have Keres be taken and subjected to the gods knew what while they 'waited and saw' what sort of thread that man was.

A step back, a reaction to the abrupt change in his demeanor. No longer was he aloof and removed but direct and... agitated? Her brow knit, questions rising in her mind before they wilted away in favor of abject silence, allowing him to finish his piece before she sought to respond. Cutting him off and trying to argue would help no one here. 

I risked myself, yes. Why ignore what was obvious? I am older and a fair bit wiser than the yearlings here, I think. I moved from the mountain to help uphold Osiris' claim and to protect the wolves that follow him. Her run in with the blackbird had solidified such a decision, clearing the thoughts of a quiet life helping to raise whatever children the mountain housed to instead risk life and limb to make sure they would survive. 

The last question Holland posed was more difficult, knowing that Hydra would wage war should one of her wolves be taken as Simmik (possibly) had been. If he had tried to take me, I would have called for help. She realized then, that she skirted the question. But if he succeeded, then I would have fought tooth and nail to survive and return home.

"Just because you are older, does not mean you mean less than them" his words were quiet despite the irritation it brought to the man "Simmik did not mean to get caught" Holland lifted his eye to stare directly at Keres "and she is probably still fighting, yes. It does not mean less bravery, it just means you hurt for longer." And the hurt takes longer to overcome, especially grief and guilt.

He shakes his head as if a fly buzzed around it. It was not a question of bravery, pride or any other loyalty. "You are my friend" he repeats to Keres "and you risked yourself" for the sake of the pack, true, but Holland was not a hive mind. He did not see glory; perhaps because he was still quite new to the Teekons "you were one of the first to find the beta's disappearance, and yet you went alone."

Keres knew what was capable. She was supposed to be wiser, as she said. But it was foolish to go alone when nobody would be able to run to help. "What would I do if you got taken?" he raised a lip, questioning the ground to where his gaze dropped.

He misunderstood what she meant, though Keres made no effort to interrupt. He was already frustrated and, in her experience, cutting someone off to explain her own side never ended well. Oft, it made things worse. Still, she could not help the huff that left her, heated breath curling in the air before it dissipated. A flick of the tail, a shift of her weight and she yet stood, taking in his words while biting her tongue — metaphorically speaking.

Again that word. Friend. Did he not see that she did it to protect him, too? Her mouth opened, words rising only to die in her throat at his further question. Blinking, Keres stood as if frozen in time, trying to wrap her head around what he was asking her.

What would I do if you got taken?

I...

What would I do if you got taken?

A question that had been asked before, by a man that no longer walked among the living. A man that had once vowed to protect her until they grew old and grey together (more grey than she already at was, at least) and that had been struck from her future quicker than a flash of lightning. The shockwave those few words sent through her shook the woman down to her core.

Her eyes lifted, searching Holland's. You would be here to heal me when I returned... Her voice ended on a lilting note, almost a question but also... not.

"And what if you did not return?"

He quietly shot back, frustrated Keres did not seem to think highly of her well-being. He was her healer and her friend. Would she not think before rushing in? Would she not think of the pack, losing her to those cretins? Moonspear would act - but they could be too late. They could be too late to save Simmik too.

"What if they killed you?" he asked her directly. Or worse. What if they did what females secretly feared from males? She would not be able to look directly at Holland - ever again. He could not heal the mind as well as the body. He could give her lavender until she was drugged but it would not take the pain away.

It would not take his pain away.

Of course I would return, The valkyrie professed. While not quite a lie, it was not quite the truth, either. Rather it was simply an un-truth. A not-lie. An unknown. The truth was...

The truth...

I would return.

Would she? Had Erebus? Had Erebus returned from his trip? Had he ever come home? Or had she been left wondering? Wondering where he was, wondering if he was alive or he'd left her or he'd been hurt or sick or --

I'd come back. I'd come home. They wouldn't kill me. They wouldn't. They wouldn't because she wouldn't be caught. She'd come home. She'd come home.

Holland.

"You don't know that" Perhaps it was cruel of him to force Keres to think of the potential what-ifs but he was trying to make her aware. Trying to make her not throw her life away. For what? The glory of a pack? For Osiris? For the yearlings in the Glen? "you don't know what they'd do."

Neither did he. He could only assume but that was what kept him alive so far. What-ifs and possibilities. His wariness kept him sane. It made him aware of the world, and those in it. Keres... did not seem to know. At least from where he was standing. She was being reckless.

Keres calls his name but he's already rising. Turning away from her, he grumbles something to himself more than her before lifting his voice. "Just don't throw your life away, Keres" the healer says before moving away. He needed to get away before his calm demeanor vanishes - 

And he'll submit to anger again.

exit!

you mean if she'd let him leave, he'd exit LOL

She didn't know that. Of that, he was absolutely correct but Keres would not, could not live in fear of the unknown. It was not a question of glory, nor of bravery, or recklessness or anything else. It was a question of what she would do to protect her family. The Glen, and the wolves that lived here and upon the adjacent mountain, was her family whether the same blood ran through their veins or not. Whether she knew them well, or not.

And for her family? Keres would do anything.

Holland! She said his name again, spurned into movement, loping forward to stop him from leaving. She could not leave well enough alone, it seemed. Who should I throw to the beasts then? A child with no more than a year of experience? No. I am careful, even when I am alone and if you have such a problem with it then — Then what? Her tail lashed, huffing again.

If you have such a problem with it then you can come with me. Then she wouldn't be alone.

His red eye widened, the other a glassy orb of no emotion to be had. She whirls around, blocking his attempt to leave. Holland bites back an annoyed grunt, instead he curls his lip. "Even careful wolves fall prey to predators." The people his kingdom razed were careful, weren't they? They took all precaution and still they fell to might. It still haunted him to this day, triggering when he saw the woman throw away her life.

"You don't get it" he snarls suddenly, taking a step toward Keres "you're still, always will be, the friendly wolf I met weeks ago" careful or not "true, I do not know you well" Holland gave her that "but I doubt you would kill another to save your life. You would try to reason with them. You wouldn't beg. But that's what the big bads out there want. They want to see you broken, begging before considering it."

And he had been the big bads upon a time. He had seen countless villagers begging for their lives. He didn't care. He hadn't cared. He cut them down all in the name of a greater design. Glory. Honor. Or brainwashing. "They will take advanage of your kindness" he utters, his voice becoming quiet again "they will see it as weakness. And they won't hesitate" But she would. "me being there won't stop it. Have you killed before, Keres?" he asked her directly "another wolf? Because I have."

Sins never wash away they just get bloodier...

"That's how I know this. You are not a killer. I don't look at you and see myself." His voice cracks but he holds her gaze, hard and uncompromising.

And if I had? She asked him, evergreen eyes filled with something distant as she met his eyes, chin tilting upwards slightly. Indignant? Maybe. She was not surprised he thought of her only as friendly, that he thought of her as weak; the woman's fire was carefully hidden, tucked away so that it would cause no issue when it flared.

If I had killed someone,

Barely a whisper. Nary a blink. She stayed planted in front of him.

would you think differently of me?

Like you expect me to think differently of you?

She standed defiant before him. Holland did not even blink. "No" he responds, blunt as ever but at least truthful about it "you're not a monster." Because he was the monster in this situation. His sins could not be so easily washed away. He could not so easily admit to shit like he had moments ago. It was an emotional response he was regretting. 

"You don't kill because you're told to" he goes on "you don't kill for pleasure. But the others do, Keres. They won't wait for you to decide. They already have. Yearling or adult, they don't fucking care" bile rose in the back of his throat at anyone he knew in the Teekons to be subjected to war "you say you're careful, but are you prepared to fight for your life? It is easy to defend others, but..."

He shakes his head irritably. "If you got caught, I would kill them. I'd kill them all. And I would not blink. I wouldn't weep for them. I wouldn't care. I'd just move on; because that's the sort of wolf I am" Because he was a monster tucked behind a relatively controlled exterior. Yet if that façade ever broke... If he was forced to act... He wouldn't be able to turn the switch off again so easily. "but it'd eat you up, wouldn't it?"

Her emotions were a whirlwind, a tempest that grabbed her and held her captive. Hostage. Standing in front of the man that called himself a monster while in the same breath, trying to protect her. Trying to convince her that there was evil in the world that she could not survive if she came against it, something she already knew and had set aside. Something she gave little thought to, because if she stopped to let herself be afraid, then when would it stop? Where was the line? When would it be okay to not be afraid anymore?

 Holland, She uses his name again, a careful step taken to bring her closer to him. You don't have to worry about me. He would anyway, she knew. I am prepared to do whatever it takes. To protect the Glen, to protect myself, to protect you. Because he was her friend, because she knew he'd do the same for her. Even if it means that I don't make it, it is a sacrifice I would gladly make. Not because I see myself as less but because I value all of you so much.

Maybe they weren't the words he'd want to hear from her, but they were the truth, as hard as it might be to hear.

"That's not good enough."

This time, he stepped around her as he said it so she would not have the time to act. This time, he would not allow Keres to stop him. He shakes his head, slowly and deliberately. To express his exhaustion perhaps or just that he was fed up. She would gladly sacrifice herself? What sort of bullshit was that?

And why did he care so fucking much? She wouldn't see it the way he did. Dying for others... a case, a friendship... meant nothing. It meant nothing if they did not value themselves first. Throwing yourself in the crosshairs was suicide. It wasn't noble. It wasn't honorable. They are all fools he thinks to himself. He doesn't look back at Keres as he walks off. she's a fool too.

But he knows that is cruel. He just does not care right now. The man needed his space and he hope for her sake she wouldn't chase after him. Or stop him; the look in his singular eye was a violent one. He didn't want to lunge at her, but he felt so constricted right now he wasn't sure if he could stop himself from turning. He needed his garden. He needed to gather. He needed to be anywhere that wasn't here.

"Don't follow me."

He says at last, stalking into the darkness.

The thread snapped. The glass shattered. The dam broke.

You're not good enough.

That was what she heard, the words shooting like an arrow through the dark to pierce her chest. All at once, it felt like the breath was stolen from her lungs, leaving the woman to choke, soundlessly, on whatever words lay on her tongue as he shoved past her.

Tail and ears limp, Holland had no need to tell Grey not to follow. She wouldn't. Without another word, the woman stole from the area of his den, tracing her steps back out of the Glen to soothe the sudden pain that burned at her nerves and churned her belly. She didn't walk, either; she ran.