Wapun Meadow the smell of home, like sour peaches and linen

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Pregnancy.

It was a concept Aventus had shoved into the furthest unlit corner of his mind. @Arielle warned him she could become pregnant, but he had ignored her. He had told her it couldn’t happen unless they wanted it to. He had been selfish. He wanted her so badly, and she had seemed happy enough to go along with him at the time, so he thought nothing of the consequences.

He knew that he was wrong, but he danced around the notion. It could not be so if he did not think about it. That was what Aventus told himself, but he knew otherwise, which might explain his frequent departures from the territory in the aftermath. He never went far, only into the adjoining meadow, but he spent great bouts of time there. He told himself, and any who asked, that he was seeking new blood for Ursus.

She could not be pregnant. They could not have children. He didn't want children. His life was fucked up enough without that added complication. He avoided his mate and any indication that it could be true, and thought long and hard about how to deal with it if it was. It wasn't. It couldn't be. It never hurt to be prepared, though. Aventus was not above murder. It would be a kindness...

Aventus paused in the new spring grass and retched once.

couldn't resist

Arielle made frequent trips to the meadow for plants; this place was a healer's dream. Her stores were so stocked full right now, but still she added more. She was keeping busy, pointedly ignoring anything going on within her that might confirm her fears. 

And Aves had been absent. She had felt the shift immediately and anytime she thought too much about it, tears threatened to give away how much it hurt to know that he was avoiding her. She had less control over her emotions lately, less control over the weak tears that fought to be free of her control. She felt the loneliness she was so terrified would find her again, even when the bruin-jaw was home. 

So plants became her obsession; it was easier to work than to sit with all the things that filled her with fear and the sting of rejection. 

She had picked up his scent on a few of her trips but it had always been old. He had been here the day before or earlier in the day. But now it was fresh; he was here now, and she found that she couldn't leave him be.

When she got closer and heard the sounds of retching and smelled the bitter scent of bile, she momentarily forgot all the complicated emotions swirling in her heart and mind. She only felt worry. Arielle dropped the plants she had been carrying and trotted over to him. Aves? the question was soft and unsure. Are you okay?

He spat sour saliva into the grass and reeled away from it, flattening his ears against the ringing in his head. Suddenly, it was all he could do to keep standing. His careful composure the last few days began to unravel as images of little fetuses nestled in his mate’s belly intruded his mind. Mad little fetuses, as mad as Merrick, as mad as—

Her voice cut sharply through his scattered thoughts, bringing his head up and around and then abruptly down again. Shame and guilt found a home in his heart. He had left her alone, for days now, the very thing she feared, and she was still only worried about him.

She didn’t appear to be changed. Perhaps the worry was for nothing. Perhaps... But he could not shake the image from his mind of little bodies bleeding in the grass and he could not bring himself to ask. Just a whiff of something bad, he said hoarsely, working his tongue against the inside of his mouth. He could not look at Arielle, so he stared hard at his paws, his tail switching erratically back and forth.

Just a whiff of something bad. That didn't make much sense to her, and she knew it likely wasn't the case. But as with every time before when he wasn't honest with her about what was going on inside his head, she didn't push; it would do no good because she knew he was too stubborn, and the bruin-heart was not feeling up to arguing. 

He hadn't looked at her at all, at it made her suddenly self-conscious. He had a way of changing her from the proud and vicious bruin-heart of Ursus into a stupid little girl who needed the approval of the boy she loved. She could feel the stupid tears again, and she drew in a quiet breath to steady her heart. Your head feels okay? she asked. The effects of his head injury seemed to cling to him; he was healing far too slowly for her comfort. But maybe this was how it was with a head injury like his. Time would only tell. 

I have something good for nausea if you need it. A tincture she had been working on. She took a seat, even though she couldn't shake the feeling that she should go home and leave him to whatever he was doing. It helped me the other day when I was feeling sick from something I ate. She continued to fill the silence because she couldn't bear to just sit there and avoid talking about the thing she knew they were both worried about.

Aventus could hear the quaver in her breath, even if she thought she was doing a good job concealing it. It speared him with guilt and self-loathing. It made him want to go to her and embrace her, but his paws were rooted to the ground by uncertainty. He didn’t want any of this, least of all to hurt her.

If she was pregnant, she would despise him. She would despise him the way he already despised the hypothetical children, and she would be right to do so, because he had taken advantage of her in his lusty greed and potentially ruined both their lives.

Aventus swallowed thickly and forced himself to lift dolorous eyes to her face. There was a sheen in hers that froze his heart in his chest. How could he do that to her? How could he? He had no answer for her concerned question; his tongue was stuck fast to the roof of his mouth until she mentioned nausea.

He didn’t know a lot about pregnancy, but he knew enough. He remembered how weak Astara became; besides the likelihood they would come out mad, and the guilt of subjecting innocents to the same wretched upbringing he'd had, he hated the thought of children because of how they would suck the life out of her. His thoughts ran rampant, and he couldn’t help himself then. The words pushed past his teeth before he could bite them back: Are you...?

He didn't answer her, which was frustrating. She wondered why he never felt he could trust her enough with his vulnerabilities. She was loyal to him before even the bear. It was not something she could figure out today, nor was she ready to put those fears into words. 

He had at least managed to make eye contact with her, but she instantly wished he hadn't; the sadness in his eyes made her feel like she couldn't breathe, it pushed at her control and brought the bruin-heart closer to tears. It was frustrating how easily her tears came lately. 

The bruin-jaw's question didn't need to be finished for her to know what he was asking. Was she pregnant; it was the huge crater between them right now. She wished she had an answer for him. More than that, she wished she could tell him no. Things might go back to normal then, at least their normal. She didn't want any of this. I don't know, she finally offered, shaking her head. It's a little too soon to know for sure. She swallowed and looked away. I have been tired, more than normal, but I have also been busy. She wasn't going to keep things from him, now matter how much she wanted to. What she really wanted was someone to help her through the confusion and uncertainty—she wanted him to be on her side. But instead, there was space between them that somehow felt worse than not knowing if she was pregnant.

More tired than usual. Aventus recalled the glassy sheen of Astara’s eyes in the throes of her second pregnancy. The hours upon hours she had spent lying still. The effort it had taken her even to raise her head, near the end. With no knowledge of the sickness she had borne, Aventus had attributed it all to pregnancy. Arielle admitting to being more tired than usual was enough to strike the mortal fear of all the gods into him.

For Aventus, it all but confirmed her status.

With the taut air of a weary professor pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, Aves sank to the earth and pressed his head into his arms. The smell of warm loam and new growth was bracing, but not enough to quell the rocking tumult of his soul. He wanted to believe her, but Arielle always worked hard. She was always busy. What do we do? he groaned into the ground.

He did not take her admission well at all. She watched in silence as Aves slid to the ground in defeat and hid his face. It was the reality check she needed. She was more tired than normal, she had been sick for seemingly no reason, even though she had tried to reason away her worry over it. Some part of her was still banking on the fact that they didn't know for sure yet; that part wanted to hang on to that for as long as possible. But who was she kidding? 

Arielle frowned at his question. What do you mean? she asked. There's nothing we can do, she told him quietly. I know there are ways to get rid of them but— She shook her head. I can't do it. It was a terrible time to have children, but there was no way she could cause them harm; they were a part of the bruin-jaw and of her. There was a time when she had thought more fondly of having his children. Maybe she could find her way back there. Maybe he could too. 

Maybe they are a gift from the bear, she told him. We have suffered so much; maybe this is meant to bring us some happiness. She watched him, her expression finally softening a little.

Aventus waged a war within himself at his wife’s mention of termination. On the one hand, he wanted nothing more than to demand she do it. What good were children to them? Supposed they turned out like Asperas and Apophis, a pair of no-good deserters who left before they were scarcely old enough to hunt for themselves? Worse, suppose they turned out like Merrick, insane fanatics hell-bent on destroying themselves and everything around them?

On the other hand, he could not imagine putting her through that sort of pain and misery, and what of the innocent lives? Would he be any better than his father? It would be baptizing the infants in their own blood instead of some terrified captive’s.

For a long time, he said nothing. He had no words. He fixed his pale gaze to a single slim blade of grass and tried to dull out the rest of the world. He tried.

But then he launched to his feet and his nails dug into the turf and he laughed. The bear! He began turning tight, tormented circles around himself, muscles taut, eyes sharp. He brought them up to Arielle’s face at last. Do you know what the bear has given me for my life of devotion? A dead mother! A dead father! Siblings who all left, one by one. Packmates who turned traitor! A cold grin split his jaws. Evien, you never met Evien, he was good. He was good. He would have laid down his life for my parents. He saved mine!

The bear killed him, too. Aventus stopped his pacing and dug his toes into the grass, setting his jaw with angry determination. He had feared the day Arielle would learn his secret truth, but now the fear was for something else, and letting her in on it was no longer scary. Fuck the bear.

Arielle watched him with wary concern. He said nothing for what felt like hours; he only stared at the ground, lost in the turmoil of his mind. Gift from the bear or not, she suddenly wished she could change things. She thought again of how to get rid of them, but her body and heart violently rejected the thought. 

She was startled from her grim thoughts when he suddenly jumped up and laughed. She was quiet, lines of concern deepening in her face with every crazy circle he made. When their eyes finally met, she didn't recognize the man looking at her; he was crazed and angry, not the same Aves who had slept curled up with her that day in the creek, or the one who had called her his Arielle before asking her to carry his last name—not the one had promised she would never be alone again. He was so lost, and she didn't know how to help him. Now she seemed to only be making things worse. Panic gripped her heart; what if he left? She was beyond devastated at just the thought. He had been listing all the ways the bear had let him down, everything the spirit had taken from him; the bruin-heart didn't blame him for questioning his faith. The bear could be cruel. Arielle had seen that for herself, but he knew the cruelty better than anyone. 

So when he screamed: Fuck the bear, she didn't meet the words with anger or persecution. Arielle stood and threw herself forward, into his chest and hid her face there. Unless he pushed her away, she would cling to him in a desperate embrace. She had no idea how to help him through his darkness. All she knew was that she couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes any longer. I'm sorry, she whispered. She was sorry he had lost everything, sorry he had been dealt such a shitty hand, and sorry that now things would only get more difficult. But she wouldn't allow him to push her away. Not ever.

At the end of everything, he was not angry that she was probably pregnant. He wasn’t disgusted by the prospect of children. His world would not end if he had them. In another place and time, perhaps the idea would be thrilling. Just not now, not here.

He was terrified that he might love them, and that the bear would take them, too, or that it would take her and leave Aventus with cubs that he resented for their role in it.

He stiffened when Arielle threw herself against him, a vein leaping in his temple and his jaws clenching tightly. What if he just pushed her away so none of that could ever come to pass? It was tempting... but he didn’t. He slowly pressed his chin down over the top of her head and held her, braced against her and drew strength to hold his turmoil at bay.

At length, he admitted, I don’t want this life anymore.

Her heart ached almost unbearably when he tensed in response to her affection. He was angry with her, and she feared he would pull away and leave. But when she felt him relax as he rested his head on hers, she almost cried from the relief. Her emotions were everywhere and she almost felt dizzy from the back and forth. 

Arielle was too afraid to speak, and there was a long period of silence before she felt his words rumble in his chest. She pulled back and looked up at him. What kind of life do you want? The bruin-heart was still desperate. She didn't want him to leave and her fear of that was a strong motivater. What of he wanted to forsake Ursus and the bear? The thought of it was terrifying but not more so than being without Aves. It was an impossible situation; she felt like she was being torn in half.

Saying it was easier than he thought it would be.

Expanding on it, that was the hard part. Aventus had always lived life as part of something greater than himself. He had never had to make a decision for himself, because he followed Merrick’s guiding principles and lived for Ursus.

Ursus had betrayed him, and now he was untethered. What did he want?

I do not know, he said with a soft sigh. He was no less tumultuous and agitated on the inside, but outwardly, he returned to his usual calm. I do not want to follow a spirit that takes and never gives. I do not know what my father thought to gain from devoting his life to this. I do not mean to make the same mistakes. Even though he already was.

What he was saying was blasphemous. Those words from anyone else would have been met with righteous anger, possibly even removal from Ursus by her own paws and teeth. 

But they came from Aves, her husband and now father of the children that likely grew within her. She loved him, and she had always known which she would choose if it ever came down to him or the bear. She just never actually thought she would have to make this decision. It felt like two parts of her own heart were violently battling each other. She feared the wrath of the bear, but she feared losing Aves more. She could handle whatever came next so long as he was with her.

She continued her fight against the stupid tears that seemed to be less under her control every day. She worked silently on composing herself so that her inner battle didn't come through in her words. Whatever you want, I will try to make it happen, Arielle softly promised. She wasn't quite able to keep the desperation from her gaze, though she didnt realize it. There were very few things she wouldn't do for him. If forsaking the bear meant that he could find some kind of peace, then she would. The silent promise made hurt sear through her chest but she ignored it. This was how it needed to be. I don't want you to get hurt anymore. She would deal with everything else.

Whatever he wanted.

Arielle was much too good for him. It was something he had always known, but never admitted. With eyes lingering on her face as she fought for control over her emotions, it was plain to him that she deserved so much better than this. Would that he could find the strength to apologize, to be a better man, to provide the stability she sorely needed.

When he did speak, it was not the words he should have said. My sister, Avicus. He never thought in a million lifetimes he would gamble everything on Avicus. She was more competent than him, yes, and a thousand times more brutal. She has a pack. She left the bear a long time ago and has had a better life for it. She... Said we’re welcome.

Licking his dry lips, he sought Arielle’s eyes, but balked at the pain there and let his gaze drop to his paws. Worthless. What a worthless man he was, unable to find an apology for her lest it tear him apart further. I think we should consider going there.

He was quiet for a few moments. She wasn't sure where they would even go. She didn't like the idea of being on their own if she was pregnant. It would be hard enough here with a small pack. She could only imagine how much worse things would be if they tried to do this without a pack or packmates. 

Aves broke the tense silence by mentioning his sister. He explained that she had a pack and lived her life without the bear. Guilt and fear swelled in her chest when she thought again about how she was betraying the spirit. But he seemed hopeful as he spoke of going there. Apparently his sister had extended an invitation at some point, and it sounded like it was the way out he needed. There was no way she would deny him this. 

He had looked away, and she felt a weird distance between them that terrified her. She hid her face in the fur of his chest. Okay, she murmured. Let's go there. She would miss the valley, but she knew Aves needed this.

Arielle's ready acceptance came as a relief. He willed away the feeling that he was forcing her to do something she didn't want to do. His eyes intently combed the top of her head, but he couldn't begin to guess what thoughts she hid in her mind, and he didn't think he wanted to know.

So he never directly asked for her thoughts. He never begged her to speak to him. Aventus could sense the melancholy in her — how could he not when he was choked by his own day and night — but did not know what to say. He was angry. At himself. At her. At the children that might this instant be growing in her belly. At Merrick and Astara for handing him this shamble of a life and leaving him alone with it.

He wanted to draw away and disappear. He almost did exactly that. Her acceptance is what rooted him in place. Are you sure?

Was she sure? That was the easy question to answer. Yes, I'm sure, she told him, pulling away to meet his gaze. Of course she was sure; doing this meant he would hopefully be happy. She would have done almost anything if it meant that. The better question was could she live with this, knowing she was a traitor and a hypocrite, knowing she was going to turn her back on the bear. She couldn't answer that question. Right now, it felt too daunting, and she needed to focus on the present so she didn't fall apart over her guilt. 

If it is what you want, then it is what I want too, she assured him. She wanted to be with him above all else, and that would drive every decision she would ever make.

He let his breath out slowly. It was settled, then. He had the strong impulse to cut ties with the bear and his past and leave right this second, but it was the thought of Cyril that stopped him. He hadn't decided yet if the man was worth his time or would just be another Val — another promising wolf who would turn his tail the moment things went south — but that didn't matter. He had done well thus far and deserved to know.

I need some time, Aventus said, drawing into himself again and feeling the distance between them widen despite their close proximity. He relished it and loathed himself for it in equal measure. He felt himself unraveling a little more with every errant thought he had about children he did not want. He wondered if his mother or father had ever felt this way.

Astara's skull. He could not leave that for anyone to find. He needed time to do something with that, and then... I will tell the others soon, he decided.

He said he needed some time, but it felt like he had actually asked for space. She felt the distance and it felt like someone was ripping out her insides. She knew he was upset about the possibility that she might be pregnant, but she wasn't sure how else she could make it up to him. Making him happy seemed to require more than what she could offer. But he was hers, and she would try until she no longer drew breath. Okay, she finally said. It was with quite a bit of difficulty that she kept her torment from her tone. 

She nodded when he said he would tell the others soon. She wondered who would follow them and who would go their own way. Cyril was the only one she particularly cared about joining them. The beardog could stay and rot in the rift for all she cared. And Pandora showed potential but there was no trust there yet. 

She drew in his scent before stepping away. I still have some plants to collect, she told him. She wanted him to join her but she felt weird asking right now. She didn't know if being with her was helping or not. I won't be gone too long. If he wanted to join, then he could. Otherwise, she would turn and trot away.

Two parts of him pulled in different directions. The coward in him won this time. He shook his head slowly and said, there is something I must take care of. It wasn't a lie. Astara's skull could not be left for scavengers and thieves. It didn't need to be done right this second, however.

With a lump in his throat that tasted like bitter self-loathing, Aventus let Arielle walk away alone, and went his own way, mired in a sense of imminent doom.