Swiftcurrent Creek I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight

the smallest of smiles graces her features as he agrees that it is okay, being sad it's- well it's as much an emotion as happiness. it was there to be felt, maybe they shouldn't fear it quite so much. shame she hadn't been such a wise and thoughtful adult when running away from poor lainie. the smile fades as she bites at her lip, guilt continuing to writhe in her gut like an angry snake as she thought of the distraught look in the darker girl's eyes as she'd left her....all alone. she swallows, making a mental note to make sure she finds lainie as soon as possible and apologises. they needed to support each other, she was no better than her brothers.../well helios anyway, it seemed she would always be better than zephyr in that sense now/ if she just abandoned her sister at such a time. she didn't actually want to either, she'd just been in shock but it wasn't a good enough excuse. she knew that now, papa would never run away from her if something upset him. she just had to be braver.

she bobs her head in a little nod in response to his promise that she could always come to him should she need to. she offers a little nuzzle of gratitude at that; she loved him so much. one day, one day she'd be big and strong like him she just knew it! big eyes gaze adoringly up at him; she loved mamas too but it was him she wanted to be like the most, he was just so brave and kind. she wanted to make other wolves feel as safe and happy around her as she did around him. 

as they approach the topic  once more, her features fall back into a solemn state. swallowing nervously she blinks furiously at the ground in an effort to keep her eyes dry; she would not cry. no matter what she was told next, despite her thoughts on accepting sadness there was still something that seemed weak about crying. when possible she wanted to avoid it, even when the adults seemed sad they hardly ever cried; she wanted to be like them! her breaths are shaky as she struggles to keep them calm despite the flutterings of her little heart; pushing anxiously at her chest like a caged bird. maybe she could just dart off into the trees before he could answer; continue the treacherous but painfully easier route of denial. it was one thing to hear lainie say it but if papa said it...papa would never make a mistake. yet she grits pearly teeth in as much determination as she could muster; she wasn't going to run away again! so with the bravery most would conjure up to fight a bear, polaris awaited his answer.

when he finishes she lets out a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. the birds still sung their merry songs, the creek continued to babble away and the trees whispered to each other in warm, gentle breezes. she was actually a bit more confused than she'd expected to be, having thought it'd make perfect sense right away. for a long time she's silent; frown creasing her features as she tries to work it out. eventually she simply murmurs quietly; "so it's a bit like sleeping? but...you never wake up?" it was the easiest way to imagine it, she could never remember sleeping- only closing her eyes and then waking again. but dead means you only do the closing your eyes part- never the waking. there's something darkly terrifying about that and her breath hitches slightly. yet strangely, she doesn't feel a want to cry despite the chill to have come over her.

fixing her big eyes right on him now, she swallows and lands the final question, already suspecting the answer but needing it confirmed anyway; "so to kill...is that to..make something dead?"