Tuktu Hinterlands So I'll go- but I'm telling you, I don't wanna go.

'Cause this song has always given me the feels. "Basket" by Dan Mangan.

--------------------------------------------------
We are young, we have years ahead- maybe
we might fall in love...Or fall apart. 
Or fall apart. 
Before it ends, well, we
should try to start
So I'll go, but I'm telling you I don't
wanna go
Could be stuck here and happy.

-----

Light snow fell the night Niamh left the plateau, picking her way carefully down the slope, begged to do so by the ankle that had once betrayed her and sent her catapulting down, down down- and into something that had left a mark on her heart forever. She couldn't remember the sensation of falling, but she did remember the very moment that she looked up and saw a pair of eyes watching her. They'd been both laughing and concerned, those eyes; rich and warm and twinkling, like the stars that hovered above her. But unlike those celestial beings, she no longer had those warm eyes watching over her. They were no longer the last thing she saw before she fell asleep, nor the first thing she saw when she woke. And it was a saddening feeling; she would have easily given up all of the stars that hung overhead to have those eyes twinkling merrily at her again. 

-----

So there's a puzzle I work on endlessly
And I've got the sides and all the corners-
but there's a space.
Yeh there's a space.
Lost some pieces I...
Can't replace.
So I'll be- but I'm telling you I don't
wanna be
Just a wasted puzzle piece. 
-----

All she knew now, every morning she woke up, was an ache where love used to be, cold where warmth used to be. And she was not alone- for she was fortunate to have others around her who kept an eye on her and watched for her to show signs of needing something, but part of her could never be watched closely enough, and it had slipped away, lost, like a coveted heirloom that had somehow managed to disappear despite being so well cared for. All it seemed to take was one simple mistake, and it was gone. And though she tried to push the pieces of her life back together, that space was still there- small but still so utterly profound and painful. She hid it well most days, but like a window with a crack, the cold air continued to seep in and chill her heart, no matter how much she tried to close it off. 

-----

We are old and our son took the dog away
and fair enough- I guess, we're
tired all the time.
All the time.
And you know dogs, they need
ample time outside. 
-----

Perhaps one of the greatests losses she felt was one she hadn't even had in her possession. They'd been nothing more than a dream, a hope- a topic of conversation that had made her smile every time she had brought it up or called it to mind. That dream, with those warm little noses and sweet little toe beans had been called away from her, even though she had begun to recognize, while she slept, the little traits that each bore, and the sound of their names. She'd dreamt them as though they'd been a promise, something tangible and real, something that was definite- an inevitability. Those dreams were still there but with each night their little quirks, their features, their sweet little voices faded, and she could no longer remember their names. Fair enough...She wouldn't have been whole enough to give them the love they deserved on her own, let alone breathe life into their being.

-----
So I'll stay, but I'm telling you I don't wanna stay. 
So I'll brace myself against the wall
and hope to god that I don't fall

-----

There had been an opportunity for her to find herself again- but perhaps not herself, but a new self...One that had been awakened by a pair of mismatched eyes that had bedazzled her and given her strength...But who was it that those eyes had awakened? It felt like there was a stranger living inside of her, dormant most of the time, and only called to consciousness by the possibility that she could run away and leave everything behind...But only a fool would run after such a thing, and she'd matured enough to know that her impulses were not cardinal points. Her friends and family were. She felt very much like a vessel floating on the water- the waves begged her to sail on, to float away from her pain and self-pity...But her anchor held her in place, while the waves and storm passed. She had no idea how lucky she really was to have an anchor as strong as the one that she had in her life. 

-----

My bones are worn, my hip won't hold
I used to be so young- how did I get so old?
Won't you take my cane and hold my hand-
you're holding onto all I have
Just a basket full of memories
And I am losing more each day it seems but-
if I can make it to the street, I'll steal a car, or a bike or whatever there
is to steal
And it might get cold I just don't care
I'm going 'til I'm getting there
I'll ride my steed all through this town 'til I-
-----

She felt as though she was trespassing, when she first spotted the rolling hills in the distance, blue now under the light of the crescent moon that hung on its tip overhead. Warily she moved forward, and took time to make sure that she was alone, but as in her life, she could only see so far, due to the ever bending, leaping, sprawling horizon that hid so many shadows and secrets in its unseen depths. She could not bring herself to bask in the shadow created by the tree's branches arching high up into the sky, but she felt she was close enough that if the tree itself awakened, she would be both seen and heard, and watched keenly, as the one object that stood out as gold against the silvery blue landscape behind her. She felt exposed- but it was nothing less than she deserved. She held her breath; she'd found the words to say over the time it took her to voyage to this sacred place, but like her pawprints that trailed behind her in the snow, they'd disappeared with the gentle breeze. Still, she managed to find something to say. 

"I'm sorry." She said, softly. She spoke slowly, as though to one whose hearing had faded over the years; a soft wind rustled the tree's branches, quietly urging her to continue. "I...I didn't keep my vows. And it's not fair; he should have had you his whole life. And you should have had him for longer than you did. You deserved it. I had it...And I broke it. I'm sorry."

She didn't feel that it would make her life any easier, or that it would take the guilt off her shoulders. It wouldn't ease the ache in her heart or the sting she felt when she saw others together, with the one they had chosen. It wouldn't bring her brother back, and it wouldn't bring her mate back, either. She knew she wouldn't be forgiven- and she didn't expect any sign that she'd been heard whatsoever. But she wasn't so skeptical as to believe that no one heard her; the energy she felt in the air told her that she was not alone, and that she would never truly be alone. 

-----

Have looked...And I have found.
Your peaceful memory. 
Won't return to me.
Won't you return to me. 
-----

Those who die never truly leave. For within them dwells an energy that has no mark of creation, nor a date of expiry. There was a tangible energy in the air built up of a thousand souls- and all Niamh could do was hope that her words had reached the right one. 

--------------------------------------------------

He didn't intend to go back.  He'd put both behind him, one a cherished memory, the other a cautionary tale.  But when he was scouting land west of the Caldera for herds and stumbled across her scent, he followed.  It led in a familiar way, and he promised himself if it veered, he would leave it.

It didn't falter.

He didn't know what had brought her back to this place, but her gall in claiming it as her own place to frequent made anger flare up in the male.  This wasn't a place for her, and she didn't deserve to stand upon the same ground as the one he'd shared it with before.  Burying her here had been the worst moment in his life, but burning bridges with Niamh was a contender in a long list of bad.  He didn't appreciate her occupancy.

When he finally caught up, she had stopped under the tree, and he went immediately to aggressively make her leave.  Something stopped him, though, a gentle thought that forced him to see how she looked sitting there.  Nell had been kinder by far than he was.  She'd loved being a source of calm for the broken.  It was most of what had let him fall in love with her in the first place.

He could be kind.  But ask anyone, including his sister, and they could tell you that easy forgiveness wasn't in his nature.  So while he didn't move to chase her out, his voice was frosty when he finally spoke.

What are you doing here?

"Bad Timing" by Blue Rodeo came up on Youtube after listening to "Break Up in the End" and hoooollllyyyyy it fitssssss tooooo.

...Except it wasn't bad timing, it was Niamh being an idiot. lawl. 

Niamh hadn't intended to linger, as the cold, open space made her feel unwanted and unwelcome enough, but even pausing for a few moments after saying her apology- as heartfelt as it might have been- was an error she made and quickly realized as the breeze lifted. She thought first perhaps it might be a simple touch- not forgiveness, but acknowledgement at least- until she caught Colt's scent. It came upon her first triggering bittersweet memories, but when she lifted her solemn gaze to meet his, she was reminded of her own foolishness and she felt like a child being disciplined for sneaking somewhere she did not belong. She was quick to shuffle backwards; she had given the tree itself a respectful distance, but to be caught in the area at all, clearly focused on that place...She knew she'd done wrong, but she would still defend her choice, and he asked her to do so with the first, uncharacteristically cold words he spoke. 

She felt like a stranger at the borders of a pack she did not belong to, the borders of a pack that had known of her idiocy and had been warned not to allow her to sully their peace. She wilted and at first, she couldn't bring herself to look at him as she felt ashamed. She was caught- and Niamh never did well when she was put under pressure or interrogated. This time, though, she was far removed from her hot-tempered self and instead all she felt was remorse. Now she was in the proper headspace to begin apologizing to Colt- though part of her knew she would never live long enough or apologize enough to earn forgiveness. 

"I came to apologize, to her." She said- she truly hadn't expected Colt to show up. In their time together, he hadn't left often- as far as she knew- to visit that very place, so she'd assumed that sneaking in even just less than ten minutes in that one place in the entire world that she might have ten minutes without him there. Fate, however, seemed to deem it appropriate for her to be herded away, as she supposed she ought to be. "She should've...You should've had her longer. She should've had time, and it's not fair...It's not fair that I do and she doesn't. I feel like...She would've wanted something good for you...And I came along and just ruined it. So...I had to apologize." She said, lifting her gaze to softly regard the tree and where the snow covered its base, before she turned her gaze away; she didn't deserve to be there; she didn't deserve to be where she was at all. She wanted to say so much more- but she stopped herself, knowing she'd likely already said too much. Over-explaining came too naturally for her, and it was a habit she was trying to break. The hurt that settled into the worn-out pocket of her chest made her catch a sob in her throat. "I'm sorry, Colt." She wasn't sure how he would respond, but silently she hoped he would take the life from her that she didn't deserve. With a pleading gaze, she begged him, silently resigned to the forfeit of anything and everything she had, should he choose to take it from her.

Colt could see clearly that she was upset, but he wasn't the type to cave in to that.  He didn't care overly much how she may or may not feel - from where he stood, everything that had occurred so far was her decision.  And this ability to place the blame fully and completely on her shoulders alleviated any guilt from his own.  

You didn't know her. He said, bristling somewhat at the implication.  It was wrong, everything about this was wrong.  She's gone, but that has zero to do with us.  Don't compare yourself to her, or act like I ever did.  Because I didn't.  It was impossible.  Maybe now, after the fact, he'd felt regret many times that things hadn't been different.  But that was his pain to carry, not hers, and the fact that she was assuming it for him just ticked him off.  

Colt was an ass, but a big merit was a relatively long fuse.  He didn't lash out except with words, and even then, his remarks were cutting rather than loud.  He didn't move closer, but his eyes narrowed, and his tone fell.  What do you want, Niamh?  Because for someone who told me to get the fuck out, and then found someone else, you seem really fucking undecided.  

Very adult of him, but he wasn't the one going to pieces over a call he'd made, was he?

Colt was not impressed with the fact that she’d gone to his sacred place, even to apologize, and she wilted further. She had only wanted to apologize- and though she hadn’t known Nell, she’d simply made the assumption that she’d been good to Colt- and that she had deserved better...But what did she know? Not a hell of a lot. She didn’t bristle or get riled up when Colt told her off. She simply slid one shoulder back in a defeated shrug. ”I’m sorry, maybe I was wrong to come and apologize- I honestly didn’t think you’d be here. I just...Needed to apologize to her, if she could hear me.” Niamh said. She wanted Nell to be able to hear her...Possibly because if Nell could, then Ambrose and Bruges could too.

She shook her head, brow furrowing at his next question. ”No...” She interjected softly, but let him finish. Then she sighed. ”I made the wrong call...I got scared when Towhee got knocked out...I thought she might end up like Screech,” She said, her voice breaking. ”I wasn’t thinking. It just...All I could see was what would happen if she turned into him- and that nearly killed me the first time...But I shouldn’t have thought the same thing would happen. I shouldn’t have thrown you out; and it took me too long to realize that. I never meant what I said. And I’m sorry. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I know I won’t get it. Just Colt, please...When you go just...Tear out my heart, or something. Take it with you or leave it or something, I don’t know, I just can’t. Stand. This. Pain.” She said hoarsely.

Her needing to apologize to someone not even involved, as if she'd have an opinion, made no sense to the Blackthorn.  Why did she have to even drag her memory into this?  Maybe it was his fault for telling her, and in as many feelings, he was forced to regret  that decision again.  First Quixote, now Niamh.  From this point forward, he'd keep it in his own memories where it belonged.

He didn't even want to respond.  Towhee had made her choice when she ran in without even god damn thinking, and maybe literally knocking her own stupid self out against him was karma telling her to not be such a selfish ass.  His thoughts were not at all kind on this, and if he'd only had a passive dislike of her before, it had grown into a rather active one.  He didn't intend to interact much with either of them in the future, honestly.

Obviously neither of you were, and when you don't, shit happens.  I'm not going to apologize for it, if that's what you want.  Alright.  No holds barred.  I'm not a damn toy you can have around when you want it and toss whenever you fucking feel like it. You don't get to treat someone like that and then expect them to like you after, all good, no problem.  I don't honestly care that you were mad.  I understand having damage, Niamh, you know I do.  His fur spiked, and he looked her dead on.  What pisses me off is you didn't even give me the benefit of a word before kicking me out.  And apparently you didn't think twice before replacing me.  So honestly? You can keep the apologies.  They aren't worth anything to me .

She could keep her pain.  She'd given him enough, and he wasn't going to take hers too.  Her pain was her fault, and she could live with the bed she'd made.  He was full form Colt now, and he wasn't about to come crawling back and what, take her back? 

He had wondered in a way what would happen if she saw things straight and apologized.  A small part of him wondered if he could keep that anger, and fuel the fire he'd had that had kept him flying solo so long in his youth.  Now he had his answer, and apparently, so did she.  He didn't walk away then, but he definitely wasn't looking back now.

Stay, if you want.  I don't care.  I told you.  I'm done.

When Colt spoke, Niamh listened. She could hear the anger in his voice and could tell that being fed up was an understatement by far- though it killed her to realize that. Comparatively, her eyes were wide open now to the errors she’d made- and making excuses was the wrong thing to do. She was a sentimental creature, but a selfish one- so putting her pride aside made her feel vulnerable as all of her flaws were exposed before her- and like a criminal ready, finally, to plead guilty, she felt that there was nothing she could say that would rectify the situation. But she was going to be damned if she didn’t try. 

”No, no-“ She interjected, suddenly keen on voicing her opinion as he refused to apologize. She agreed- and would have shot down any apology he tried to make. Truthfully, it would have been easier on her had he apologized- it might have meant that he felt some remorse and she would have felt good telling him that he had nothing to apologize for...But he already knew that. She wasn’t talking to some inexperienced young buck- and she should have known better. He’d taken quite a chance on someone as young and green as she, and she had failed him. 

When he paused, it pained her to look up at him, bristling as he was- but she nodded solemnly. He was right; he knew loss, and she was foolish to prioritize her own losses over his- which was what she’d done. Colt had simply wanted to find Ceara and Niamh had been so far removed from his own pain that it sickened her now. Now that she felt the loss of having two brothers wiped off the map at once. She hadn’t known then, but that was no excuse. She’d been so mucnmore preoccupied wth Ambrose’s death that she’d failed to see what Colt was going through too. And now she was complaining of being heartbroken that she’d exiled her own mate- when his, whom he’d loved so much, had died. She felt horribly ashamed of just how little she’d empathized.

He brought up her mention of having found someone else and she scolded herself for having been so irrational as to bring that up. She shook her head, eyes closed. She was quiet for a moment, but opened her eyes when he spoke again. He was done...But he hadn’t walked away. She was quiet a moment longer.

”You’re right, Colt. About everything.” She admitted. ”I shouldn’t have exiled you. I can’t even...Ugh, I was so stupid,” She said and shook her head, gritting her teeth together. ”I wasn’t there for you when I should have been. I just...I couldn’t see past my own two feet, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so selfish. And I’m sorry I wasn’t smarter. I’m sorry I just...Kicked you out, and yelled at you, and didn’t apologize and pushed you away...And that I said what I said just out of spite. Thing is...” She said and trailed off. ”I see it now, I see it all now...And I hate it; I hate everything that I did, and I hate why I did it. You...You know how to do this. You know how to love someone...And I don’t. I still don’t. I know how to feel love-“ She said, and her voice hitched. ”But I have no clue how to make love stay. I’m so sorry, Colt...That I didn’t know, and that I did things all wrong- and then fucked it up even more,” She said, inwardly scolding herself for how she’d behaved the first time she’d seen him after she’d kicked him out. ”And I wish more than anything that I could say I’ve changed and that I know how to make love stay now but I don’t. And you deserve so much more than that.”[/i]She said, and that perhaps hurt the most. Only then did she become aware of the hot tears trickling down her cheeks and beginning to freeze on the tips of her fur. She couldn’t even honestly tell him that if he forgave her, or took her back that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes and it hurt knowing that. 

”I won’t come back here again. But I can’t leave you. I can’t...I’ll never be able to apologize enough...But that...That won’t stop me from trying.”

She didn't deny any of it.  It seemed they were past the point of her making excuses, which at least made it easier for him to listen to her.  He'd turned askance, but stayed where he was.  He didn't intend to go back on anything he'd said to this point, but even if she didn't deserve it, he'd let her finish.  He had a heart, even if it was bitter as fuck right now.

I was used to them expecting the worst out of me.  I didn't expect it from you.  You didn't even hesitate.  His tone was less intense now, more tired than angry.  If she had even paused, maybe it would be harder to turn away.  But she hadn't seemed conflicted at all in tossing him to the curb, and the memory of her expression in that moment was burned into his mind.  His trust was completely broken, and that wasn't a thing he gave easily or lightly.  I do deserve better, but sometimes we don't get what we deserve.  At least she was admitting to what he'd already told her.  She'd allowed her baggage to destroy them instead of letting him help, and he couldn't trust she wouldn't do it again.  I can't teach you when I was never even remotely a priority.  But I can give you some advice.  Maybe, if someone you love hurts you, consider why before you go for the throat.  Maybe even give them the benefit of asking why.  His voice now took on a bitter edge.  Honestly, he didn't like slamming her apologies down again and again.  In some sick way it felt good, but he'd loved her, and still did love the wolf she'd been before all of this.  Maybe that wolf was still who she was, but if she was going to turn like this, he couldn't risk staying and opening up again.

She was chastized again, and her ears folded back. He was certainly getting every word in that he could in order to make her feel bad. She was willing to take it though- at least, to a certain extent which fortunately had not been reached yet. She shook her head. "I let you down. I should have had more faith in you...It was an automatic response and it was wrong." She admitted. The words tasted so sour and it mad her feel even worse to admit everything. He went on and the hurt just kept coming. It wasn't going to do any good for her, walking away from the situation like this- but it was the very least she owed him. 

But that didn't mean she would handle the situation perfectly. "You were a priority, and you still are; otherwise I wouldn't have come here, and I wouldn't be apologizing and shooting myself down. You knew I was an idiot from the beginning, Colt. And you knew that I had a temper. What else do you want me to say? Or do? Do I have to roll my scrawny ass down the side of the fucking plateau again?" She asked, her tone raising, but she paused, and continued, levelly. "'Cause I'd do it. A thousand times. And you can laugh, all you want- like the jackass you were the day that we met." She half-hiccoughed as a tiny laugh caught in her throat. She strangled it, and forced the corners of her lips to still. In the end, she gave in, and snorted. "We were never perfect, Colt. Me less so than you. But what we had...It's still worth saving. I know it is."

This conversation was gaining the distinct feeling of a crossroads, one of which led to a life of accepting her apology, the other of leaving and letting her move on.  He considered her words as she gave them, but his expression didn't change much as she spoke, as his mind was churning through and trying to sort out how the fuck he felt about all this.

He suspected that the reason she dodged talking about this other she had found was that it hadn't worked out, and this was why she was fighting so hard to reel him back in.  If it had been a lie she would have revealed that in an attempt to get him back, but she hadn't.  He could say he forgave her, and return, and wait for the next time he and Towhee were at odds to watch her again turn on him immediately.  He could go back and wait for other guy to show up again and for her to walk out, preferring his company to Colt's.  The scenarios, as he thought over them, were colored by betrayal and pessimistic as hell, and none of them seemed like good options.

Funny how it was still tempting to take then, and likely always would be.  

I thought I did know you.  That's the whole point, Niamh.  But now I don't think I did, because if I had I wouldn't have asked in the first place.  I don't expect a lot, but I feel like the benefit of the doubt is bare minimum to expect in a mateship.  And you've basically admitted you can't change.  

He didn't believe her anymore, not when she said he'd been a priority, not really.  Maybe she thought that, but he wouldn't have even been able to consider what she did.  If he was a priority, then her idea of it was way off the mark from his.  What we had would have been.  But I think it's already gone.  This one hurt to say.  He accepted her title of jackass fully and completely, because he knew it was true.  He could be a jackass, but he was a jackass who had lived a lot of life and wasn't willing to compromise on the time he had left.  He wouldn't put himself in a situation of doubt and what she offered, tempting as it was, he felt would benefit her far more than him in the long run.  He wasn't willing to be that giving anymore. I don't think there's a way to fix this.  I'm sorry.

He'd been set against apologizing to her, but it slipped out and it felt right.  He didn't regret what they had had, but he did know, in hindsight - if he'd have seen how young she was then, and how unstable she was with the trust given, he would have made a different call.  No doubt.

Now more than the previous times they had spoken, she felt that Colt was beginning to pull away from her with a sort of finality that made her panic. The reason for that was the fact that he was pulling himself together as he did so- which gave him a better perspective on who she really was, and what she would be if she didn't change...If she was even remotely capable of doing so. She felt fear hit her as though she'd just run into a pool of icy water, feeling it ripple and spread through her as she sought to keep her head free of the ice at the surface. He was really ready to pull the plug and leave her, to simply move on- and that thought made her very, very frightened. And Niamh didn't deal well with fear. 

This wasn't just something she could deal with as easily as she dealt with a trespassing coyote, or a thieving fox. Those things were easy and she felt good- all it took was just brute force and a bit of speed. This was something completely different, and while she wanted to fight for Colt as much as she could, she was ill-equipped to do so. She really did think that perhaps throwing herself down the slope of the plateau might be enough to get him to believe she meant what she'd said...But she couldn't handle things that weren't tangible or physical terribly well. 

"I will give you that, the benefit of the doubt, I promise," She said, her voice trembling. She was desperate now, and it was unbecoming. "I just...I didn't know how to do that...But I do now. And I can change, I just...I'm stupid, Colt, when it comes to this stuff. I just need to be shown how." She said, grappling with everything she could to try and convince him exactly how she felt. There was no coming to terms wit rejection for Niamh- she was going to plead and fight and beg, tooth and claw, if necessary. It seemed unfathomable that she wouldn't necessarily get her way- because now more than ever she knew exactly how she felt about Colt, and nothing had ever remotely made her feel this way before. She was finally starting to get what it was to love someone. Pity it took losing someone very special in order to learn that...But in Niamh's mind, it was far from over, yet. 

When he said it was over, she shook her head and took a few steps forward. She was willing to throw herself at him and cling to him if necessary, but she wasn't going to do that right off the bat. "It is worth saving, Colt. I know it because it's the only thing I want. I want you. I want only you; I have nothing else to anchor me, no one else, and that's how I know that you are my priority." She said. "No one else, and nothing else will ever come before you; not even me...And you know that means a lot because you know how selfish I am." She said. "Please, Colt...Give me a chance. I'm begging you." She said. Everything she said was the honest truth. Why else would she have been so willing to leave the Plateau now? Because her reason to be there was no longer there. She hadn't realized it, necessarily, when she'd first brought it up to Towhee- but though Towhee was her person, her anchor had been Colt. And without that, she could do nothing more than drift like a loose balloon.

She wouldn't give.  She kept sticking to the same thing, reiterating the same points, over and over.  He could see the fear and the desperation in her, and he could feel himself balking at it.

For so long he'd thought he would never mate anyone, and this was why.  As much as he loved her, the instant something had tested them, he'd been out.  Sure, the fuck up and decision had been hers.  But he could have stayed, could have come back and refused to be thrown out.  He hadn't been willing to do that, and that along with his mistrust made him hesitate now even though her relentless pleading wore at him.

Ok.  She wanted to try?  Let her try.

I'm not going back to the Redhawks. He said, and while he knew this was kind of a dick move he needed to see that she meant what she said.  I'm not going to promise we can fix anything.  But maybe, if you come.  Would she leave Towhee and Phox behind? He knew he'd be robbing Quixote a potentially valuable member, but he knew as long as they lived in that pack, he wouldn't be able to move past this because he'd just be waiting.  There was too much baggage there.  If you can't, I get it.  But if you can't, then this can't happen, because I can't go back to that.

When Colt spoke at first, Niamh thought he was going to give her a hard no- and that he was simply beginning with saying that he wouldn't go back to the pack. Quixote was supposedly his best friend- or one of them anyway- but she knew that Colt and Towhee went together like oil and water, and that with Phox by Towhee's side backing her up, Colt would feel frustrated and not wanted. Part of her didn't feel at home with the pack either- not with Quixote in charge. She found it a bit odd that Quixote wouldn't return to the pack, but she could only assume that it was because of either the memories he had there, or because Towhee lived there. She wondered if she should ask why- but clammed up as he continued. 

He was willing to try. Niamh could hardly control the way her nerves began to hum and vibrate when he admitted that he would be willing to try- but she would have to go with him. 

She knew exactly how Towhee felt about her leaving the pack. And she loved Towhee- but this was Colt's way of testing to see where he fell, in terms of priority. She knew if she balked, he would be out. She was afraid that if she even asked for time to consider, he would be out. She'd told him that she wanted to put him first, and now she had to either step up to the bar- or step the hell away from it and not go near it again. If she'd meant what she'd said, she'd have to prove it now. 

"I need to go back and talk to Towhee and Quixote," She said, trying to keep herself as calm as possible. She knew they wouldn't like it- and that they could still potentially convince her to stay and not go with Colt...But right now, she was upping her ante. "It's the least they deserve after all I've done...I can't just run off without an explanation. And like...Our packs aremeant to be at peace with one another, so I don't want to piss Quixote off by just...Running to the Firebirds without an explanation." She said, though she was still afraid that even taking those precautions and doing the courteous thing might mean she'd lose him. "But I will. I'll go with you. We'll make this work." She vowed, heart fluttering in her chest. She wanted nothing more than to simply run and press herself against him as she used to- so she took a few steps forward, an imploring look on her face, hoping he'd allow her close enough to touch him.

He thought about it, telling her it was now or never.  A part of him was expecting her to turn him down flat, and an even bigger part expected her to not follow through.  But even if she didn't, it needed to be her call, and he wasn't going to try and strong arm her into it.  

Okay.  Call for me at the edge of the Firebird claim, and I'll come.  He looked at her carefully, softening some.  Maybe.

She moved to close the gap, but held back.  He stepped forward to finish the distance and pressed his nose to her ruff, soft.  Do what you need to do. He added, and his tone was better than it had been so far.  If she chose not to come, he knew he would be ok.  He would miss what they'd had, but he'd rather that than try to force something that just wasn't meant to work.  It needed to be her choice, not his.

This was going to work. She had fear clawing at her nerves, desperately, but she also had hope and it was the first time she'd felt anything like that since she had exiled Colt. She nodded quickly with what he told her to do, and couldn't stop a small, timid but amused smile from pulling at her lips when he said the word 'maybe.' But she got the point; she had to do what he wanted, now- as he'd already given her everything he'd had to give. This was her debt to pay, now, and even if he was going to be a sarcastic jackass about it, she'd have to take it- and find a way to love it. 

He moved forward and as soon as he touched her, she was released from the tense spell that had held her back, and she pressed herself against him, nuzzling into the warm fur of his shoulder. Perhaps it was too much- but it simply wasn't enough for Niamh who immediately felt her heart yearn for him, and for everything he could give her with their lives together again. "I will." She promised. "Thank you, Colt," She said.

She came closer than he did, but he'd been expecting it - she'd always been the more snuggly of the two, and so he wasn't taken by surprise.  He didn't push her away, but after a moment, did pull back.  He kept his expression somewhat guarded as stepped away, though saying the touch hadnt left him wanting more would be a lie.

See you then.  And with a final glance, he turned and left, figuring she might want more time to herself there to sort things out.  He still didn't love that this was the place she'd chosen, and he still somewhat regretted dredging the past with her those months ago.  But maybe it was for the best.  He cast a glance up, and gave a small smile.  She'd probably enjoyed at least the tail end of that.

A smile- finally. Thank goodness. It was just the motivation she needed to believe that this could work- and that he could truly forgive her and take her back. She'd have to return to who it was she'd been when he'd met her- and then maintain that persona, make it who she was meant to be. Obviously with less impetuousness and less impulsive behavior, but she could work on that. She gave him a small, grateful smile in return, and went on her way, finally feeling the hope she'd needed all this time.