Neverwinter Forest But this is the song I wrote you in the dark

@Mal
set for early morning 4/25

She had been gone all night, wandering in an unknown direction until she literally had no energy left. Then she had fallen asleep near a stream she didn't know in a place she didn't know. It was not a safe thing for her to do and she would not have normally been so reckless, but grief messed everything up inside her head. All she kept thinking was that she couldn't go through this again. It was too fucking hard. She couldn't keep anyone from dying, obviously, but she could protect herself going forward. She had let her guard down, and now she was paying the price. The universe had swooped in and stolen her happiness in a matter of minutes. 

The sun had woken her in the morning, and eventually she pulled herself up and made her way back home. Part of her wanted to run and start over again. But she kept thinking about Mal and how sad he must be too. Matty was his brother, even if they hadn't known each other very long, and her leaving would only cause him more pain. She wanted very much to to run and never come back to deal with everything, but her loyalty made her return. She couldn't betray Mal like that. 

She shuffled over the borders, feeling completely exhausted despite the fact that she had just woken up. No amount of sleep would make her feel any better, she knew that. She paused once she was back in the forest a short distance from the edge of the territory. What the hell did she do now?

His attempt to hunt was halfhearted at best. It was more an excuse to be on his own -- if he found something he could catch and bring back to any of the wolves that had or would be having his kids, cool, if not, whatever. He just didn't want to have to pretend right now. Alone meant nobody but his thoughts.

Needless to say, he wasn't finding anything. He needed to pull himself back together and at some point make sure that Simmik was ok. He'd find her once he felt less wounded -- or so was the plan. A plan ruined when he realized he'd hooked onto Simmik's trail without realizing, which only came to his awareness when she appeared before him. Oh. She'd stopped too, so he just stared at her back a moment before saying, Simmik? He didn't even know if she wanted to see him.

He wasn't really ready.

It took her a few seconds to look at him because she wasn't sure she was ready to face this conversation either. Like him, she would much rather be alone. Being around others was just exhausting. But it was Mal, and that was the only reason she didn't just walk away. The last thing she wanted to do right now was make him feel worse that he probably already did. 

She turned, unable to meet his gaze at first. She didn't know what to say or do. Her brain kept screaming at her to bail and find some dark place to drown in her thoughts, but her heart was urging her to comfort him and make sure he was okay. And as much as she liked to pretend otherwise, she listened to her heart far more often. She finally closed the distance between them and took a seat, sorrowful eyes lifting to study his face. Hey, she quietly greeted. Are you okay? she asked. She was pretty sure she already knew the answer but she wanted to give him to opportunity to talk if that's what he wanted to do.

She took a seat, so did he. The pair of them hurt -- different ways, but for the same basic reason. He didn't bury things quite as much in Simmik's presence, but he was still trying to keep his thoughts to himself. Mal wanted to help her because it might help him forget his own problems -- okay, probably not since again, same source, but it sounded good to his dumb brain.

He shook his head slightly, just once. How did he even say anything? He searched her expression, What about you? Silly question. I know he meant-- something? A lot? He wasn't sure which was appropriate. Mal stopped, shrugged. Implying she could fill it in however she wished. I want to make sure you're okay as you can be. It was way easier to worry about her than himself -- and he did worry for her. What he could do? Not sure. But he'd figure out how to do something. He felt like he'd dumped more of his baggage on her than she had on him and didn't want to bury her under more.

He answered her with only one shake of his head, and she wouldn't push him to give more. She understood his reluctance to talk about painful things. So much so that when he turned the question on her, she wanted to shrug it off and pretend that she doing okay. But she wasn't really, and he had been honest with her, so it was her turn to be honest. She swallowed and looked away. Yeah, he was important to me, she finally answered. And well— this part was hard for her to talk about. She had spoken not one single word about it since leaving home. When I was little, just a pup, my dad died right in front of me. She drew in a deep breath. It was violent and I was really young. I don't know, I didn't deal with it very well. Eventually, I ran away. She thought she would feel relieved once Mal knew her deepest regret, but she just hurt more. This hurts a lot like that, and it brings up a lot of things I haven't really ever dealt with I don't think. That was the best sense she could make of it. I'm sorry I never told you; I've never told anyone. Stupid tears stung at the corners of her eyes. She had hoped to get through this without crying in front of anyone else but as usual, her body wouldn't oblige. She sniffled a little and shook her head. This sucks.

Mal waited, then listened attentively. He hadn't pried into Simmik's background. Maybe he should have, but he made the choice with the pack to not pry unless someone wanted to tell him. See, it just made it more important that he showed he cared and he made sure that Simmik was ok. Mal himself didn't matter. So he listened.

It was a sad story, and it certainly explained why she'd been totally ok with leaving home. He could kind of understand, but not to the proper depths -- he treated his own father as dead, but he wasn't actually at the time. It's okay. I promised you could have a fresh start here, no questions asked. He spoke quietly, I can only relate a little -- it's new for me. I got told my dad got killed after I left -- everyone else was gone already. Now, just -- I thought I had a family here again besides Caerus. He said I had a bunch of family through our mom. Didn't say much. But now I won't know and he's -- Sharp breath and he looked away. Mal didn't know how many he'd actually lost just by that connection going away. Just this brief flicker of hope that already went out.

Then he got up and moved closer, reaching out to lick the crown of her head (partially because it would keep her from seeing his expression), But yeah, it does. A hint of wavering to his voice, but he did his damnedest to keep out of eye contact. I want to help somehow -- let me know what I can do. With anything.

She really wasn't sure what she had expected his reaction to be, but relief washed over her as soon as he made it clear that what she told him didn't change anything. It had hurt to bring it all up but she couldn't help but feel a little better now that Mal knew about her troubled past. And the fact that he stood by his promise for a fresh start even after knowing about her past deepened her loyalty to him. His next words squeezed her heart. She knew family was a tough thing for him, and she wished she do something to make up for all that he had lost. She could hear it in his voice how hard this was for him; she hated that this was hurting him so much. 

She closed her eyes and leaned into his affection, not missing the shakiness of his voice as he continued to speak. Simmik pressed her head under his chin. This helps, she murmured. Without pulling away, she continued: I want to help you too. She wasn't the only one suffering right now. Whatever you need, she promised.

At least it wasn't too much. That was the thing that he was afraid of -- that maybe invading her space was too big of a leap. But he was sort of returning a favor, wasn't he? If it could be kind of twisted that way. She was there when he was fretting about Cupid... In his eyes it was kinda similar, wasn't it? So he stayed as he was, close to her. I don't know what'll make things better. I can talk and listen if you need to. Or.. not. He tried a kind of almost-laugh there, it pretty much failed. But I'm here for you either way. Any time. And he meant it. He'd do just about anything for his packmates, but especially Simmik.

He had a thought, finally leaning back a bit to look at her and see what she thought -- he suggested it with a little bit of hesitation, If a distraction would help, I know a kid who doesn't know a damn thing that happened but would probably love a playmate or two. You could come with me sometime later, whenever sounds good. Because a little bit of forgetting sounded great right now. Okay, maybe not right this instant, but seeing his son was high on Mal's list of things to do once he felt like he could keep it together.

Thanks, Mal she said quietly, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill again. His support meant more than she was really able to put into words. And I'm here for you too, she added. She wasn't sure what exactly she needed right now either, so she understood where he was coming from. But she wanted it out there that if he figured it out, he could find her. You don't have to deal with this on your own. She knew it seemed the best way to handle things sometimes, but really it all caught up to you eventually. She knew that now. 

Simmik looked up to to meet Mal's gaze when she felt him lean back a little. She smiled a little at his suggestion. Kids kind of made her nervous; she had no idea what to do around them. But his suggestion actually sounded kind of nice. Yeah, I'd like that, she answered. A distraction would help. And she had a feeling that it would help them both. Whenever you want to, just let me know, she offered.

Mind if I PP Simmik coming with him at the start of another thread? :P

He agreed with a nod. He started to say something then stopped himself, starting again, You don't have to either -- I'm glad you're here. You can come talk to me whenever you want if you ever want to. About good times or bad. He'd say the other things later when stuff wasn't so bad. He felt like it'd be all about him, and Mal was here because he wanted to make sure Simmik was ok. So again, later. Once any of us know what to say.

His tail wagged -- not was much as it normally would, but hey, glum days still ahead, but it was a little progress. Will do. I think in a few days. Cupid was just gonna have to deal with it if he was going to complain. Mal was going to be there as chaperone or whatever. Seeing a happy kid could be healing probably -- remind them they're not alone or whatnot. It felt right at least.

not at all <3

She smiled, returning his nod with one of her own. I'm glad too. And she really was. The reasons for her being here were something she still needed to work through, which meant she should probably pay home a visit at some point, but she felt like this was where she was meant to be. And she was thankful that she had Mal to talk to whenever needed it. 

Her tail wagged some as well, and the knot of grief in her chest seemed a little more bearable. Okay, she said with a nod. Then she released a soft sigh. I'm kind of tired, she told him. I think I might go try to sleep for a little bit. Whatever sleep she had managed the night before had not been very restful. Maybe now she could sleep a little better, at least for a few hours.

Mal had sort of built a family here even without the kids, and he'd protect it the best he could. He couldn't rewind and undo what happened to Matty, but he'd help Simmik to try to make things less bad. Maybe it'd make him feel less bad in the process. He didn't know if it would.

He leaned over and licked the top of her head again, Okay. I'll come get you soon. Just remember you're not alone here. Count on me, count on us all, and we'll make it through together. He looked at her with a smile then. You just go sleep well. Little things, right? He'd just have to go uh... Do something. What had he been doing? Probably just feeling sorry for himself.

She drew in a deep breath, eyes closing a briefly in response to his affection. Thanks, that means a lot, she offered, looking up to offer him a tired smile. When she stood and took a step away, she felt the distinct absence of his presence. It was like the sadness immediately intensified the second she stood on her own again. She had been dealing with things on her own for a long time, and it kind of irritated her that she was struggling to do that now. She took a few steps and then paused, looking back at Mal. She was going to ask him to stay with her for a little bit, but she immediately changed her mind; she could manage on her own. But what if he didn't want to be alone either? It was probably pretty obvious that she was struggling to say something at that point, so she turned back to face him. Would you mind staying with me for a little bit, she asked finally. She had agreed to come to him if she needed something, and if she wanted him to be honest with her, then she should probably offer him the same thing.

He took a step back too, planning to watch her head off and then he'd figure out what to do on his end. His brain had started emptying of thoughts, but then she stopped. Was there something else? As she looked back, his ears perked forward again. What was the issue? He refocused rather promptly.

He didn't hesitate in his reply, Yeah, of course I can. He took a couple of steps towards her to re-close the distance between them again and offered up a smile. If it helped her, he'd do just about anything. He wasn't sure if she wanted him to just sit with her or actually talk or what, but honestly, as mentioned, he'd do whatever. It kept his mind off how he felt.

Thanks, she said, relief loosening the knot in her chest a little. Just until I fall asleep. Basically, she didn't want to be alone just yet. She hated to admit it, but it was more bearable than having nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. Assuming Mal moved to walk with her, she waited for him before walking again. 

Farther into the forest, there were plenty of places good for napping. Usually, she headed to the mountains on the northern edge of the territory when she wanted to rest, but she couldn't bring herself to go over there just yet. She settled at the base of a large evergreen, giving Mal another tired smile as she rested her head on her paws. She didn't necessarily have anything else to say. Honestly, she was surprised at how quickly her eyelids became heavy. If he said anything then, she probably missed it as she drifted to sleep.

He nodded and came along, wanting to make sure she was okay. He kept near, a half step or so behind, letting her lead the way. As she chose her spot and started to settle down, he spoke,  You're always welcome to come by my place. I'll save you a spot if you don't want to be alone. Again a light smile. But hey, he understood that. Even though he'd gotten used to being alone, not by choice. Whatever failings his birth family had, he was making sure the mistakes weren't happening again here, and not for her. They'd all had enough rough days.

When she settled down, he lay down near her to rest and wait a bit and do as he promised, laying his head on his paws. He watched her doze off. Mal didn't leave immediately, he stayed put for longer than that though he wasn't exactly sure how long. Eventually he felt it was time to go, sighing, he started to lean over but stopped himself short. No matter what aspect it was that spawned his protectiveness of her, he wasn't going to risk waking her up. Instead he got up on his feet and started to head off, pausing once to look back over his shoulder before continuing on into the trees.