Stone Circle Please do not push me away

@Merrit set after this thread. Staying Vague since I don't know everything yet.

Valette knew that the news might be tough for Merrit. Ever since Stark left he had not been the same. He was not the happy boy she knew. She was saddened by the thought that Stark caused this. Still, she would try to do as much to mend things for him. She knew that she could not be a father and a mother at the same time but she hoped that she could at least give him some comfort. Valette knew that her mating another male might be a lot to take in.

Valette thought of giving Merrit a brief break to process all that happened but she decided against it. She wanted to talk to him now, in private. So he could tell her if he disliked something. She didn't want her son to push her away. In that aspect he was a lot like his father. He also had trouble talking about emotions. "Merrit," she spoke softly to get his attention.

He was easy to find, just as his mother was easy to spot over the bleak and barren stretch of land. The boy watched her approach through the corner of his eye, and a part of him wished she would simply canter past - but he was no fool. He understood how his departure would have looked to his mother and Greyback, and to assume he was upset didn't say enough.

He didn't slow until his mother spoke his name, and when she did, Merrit turned with a stiffness more and more becoming of him, levelled his voice with a stony chill. "Did you love him before Stark left?" he was sure she would understand. He knew why she was here - they both knew, and he watched her closely for her reaction, for any subtle shift that contradicted her reply.

Valette hated to see Merrit so stiff and closed off. How she just wished Stark never left. Then Merrit might have been happy and more warm. Now with all the turmoil it seemed Merrit had become colder than most of her children. She sat before him so she could look at him if he asked her a question. Luckily he wasn't as stubborn not to say anything like he had done with Greyback, Ira and Arlette. The question surprised her slightly but she didn't show it.

"No, I did not," she stated in return. She couldn't say the same for Greyback though. There was no doubt in her voice. When she had been with Stark Greyback had been a friend, one to talk to about their mates that passed since he understood. She had no time with raising cubs and caring for her mate to even look at other males. It was curious to her that the boy called Stark by his name and not called him dad. Then again, he had not really been a dad.

His mother's face remained impassive of anything that would fuel suspicion, and her words might have tempered his question, if he allowed himself to believe them. A vengeful side of him didn't want to, but Merrit knew he had a choice. That the trajectory of this confrontation would either spin them down a downward spiral along an irreversible path, or turn him toward the uphill climb to the restoration of what had been broken between them.

Merrit held his ground, impassible as the wind tousled them both with an icy bite, as he raked his narrowed gaze across her, unmoving, undecided. He felt, very deeply, an ache in the crook of his chest, and he stood on the precipice between two very hard and painful falls. Did he even want to trust her? He wanted to be angry - but he knew he loved her - he knew he still cared - and even now, when he looked at her, he caught a glimpse of reality even when he didn't try, the reality of his mother again - of the softness of her face, and the familiarity of her gaze - and slowly the sharpness of his eyes caved to something a little less severe.

He didn't speak right away, but when he did, his voice was level and still. "Do you think father's dead?" He had never asked the question before - he had never thought to - but in the face of all that was changing like sand, he longed for understanding now; for answers he wasn't even sure she had. "If we'd had someone in the family to heal him, do you think he'd still be with us now?"

Valette watched Merrit as he seemed to be quiet and constructing his questions. He was the opposite from his sister that was asking 100 questions at the same time. They were like night and day. It did take a moment when Merrit asked another question. A question she had asked herself many times. "I don't know if he is dead, I've been wondering myself if he is still alive. I think death would be the only valid excuse for not returning to us," she admitted to him, and revealed some of the pain she still had for the male leaving her.

However, there was a catch. Now she was happy with Greyback she was not sure if she wanted to deal with Stark if he were alive and returned. "I don't know Merrit. I don't know anything about medicine. I've been blaming myself for not picking up medicine, it might have saved my previous mate Steady if I knew how. I might have saved Stark," she stated. Her warm eyes looked at her son. "But, from Steady's death, it made it possible for you and your siblings to be born. I found a new love in your father. Someone who cared for me in his own stubborn way," she smiled at the memory.

"All I am trying to say is, there can't be good without the bad. There can't be one without the other. It is always painful to lose someone close to you but closing off and pushing others away only creates this anger and bitterness at the world while you could still experience love and friendship." Steady had taught her about that, and this lesson kept on returning to her. 'The only ones we lose are loved ones. Because they matter to us, it hurts every time it happens. We don't hurt over the loss of a stranger, but they die everyday, don't they? We just don't know about it.' Valette smiled at those words.

"You might not know this, but I was going through the same thing when I was your age. Only I closed off from any contact with other wolves after I felt abandoned by my sisters and the death of my own mother. I felt that I had no one anymore. Luckily I met the wolf that is now buried at the Father Stone, Steady, that taught me about love and friendship. And I've been much happier since," she spoke, revealing a bit more about herself to her son. Valette then glanced over her son that was already having the same height as her. "I will always be here for you, Merrit. Anything you might need I will support you," she offered. There was so much she wanted to say to him but she felt that she already thrown a word vomit at the young male. So, she stopped and let him ask any other question he might feel the need to ask.

He listened quietly, and withheld his judgments, because beyond the anger, beyond the pain, was simply a broken boy who wanted to understand. To understand why their father had left them, how their mother had moved on so fast. As much as Merrit reserved himself and his innermost thoughts to the ear of his own mind, he felt things, and he felt things very deeply. Unlike Arlette, he simply didn't show them, or know what to do with them, so he tucked them away where they couldn't interfere, and where he didn't have to deal with them.

Merrit didn't think his father was dead, but then again, he didn't think Stark would stay away from them if he was still alive out there, either. At least he didn't want to think he would, or that he would have a reason to - but his mother mentioned the anger, the bitterness, he knew what she meant, and a frown quivered his otherwise stoic facade. He knew the danger of letting these things slip.

And yet, he didn't want to let them go. Not yet.

Merrit didn't know his mother's story, and to hear of her struggles felt like a slap against his heart - yet, a strike he somehow expected. So this was the pattern of life, to build and to destroy? Mother herself had said he could not have the good without the bad, the light without the dark, and he could see this reflected in her own life too clearly to refute. To have a family and to lose them all, to find a friend, only to lose him as well.

To repeat the process again, and now with Greyback, to still keep on trying.

His brows creased, and he didn't understand - an expression characteristic to the boy since he was a pup. He had always been a thinker, but these thoughts... these thoughts twisted in a messy heap of emotion and intellect he didn't know what to do with.

"Why would I seek love and friendship, if I'll only lose them again?"

No malice, no anger. He just wanted to understand.

Valette could really see a younger self in Merrit. She had been quite the same, questioning what it was worth. However, Merrit seemed to have more of a black and white vision compared to her. Then again, she could be the one that could make him see the grey area in between. "You won't always lose them, Merrit," she spoke to him. "It not a consequence of having friends or experiencing love. However, it can happen," she explained to him.

She hoped that it would be clear for him. She didn't want Merrit to be closed off and not have the social interaction he deserved. "You shouldn't deprive yourself of social contact in fear of losing them. You are a wolf, and a wolf is a social creature." She would hate for her son to live in fear. He was not a prey animal, he was on top of the food chain. "Love and friendship is worth it. Could you even imagine living without your siblings? Or living without my love? The friendship of the wolves of Easthollow? It would make life pretty dark and alone," she offered.

A peculiar conclusion settled over him then, as Valette continued talking, and offered him what he assumed to be encouragement or reassurance: that she was wrong. She said that he wouldn't always lose them, but Merrit knew one day, he would lose everyone, even Arlette, even Keen. He blinked, and steadied his eyes on his mother. Even her. Even if his family stayed faithful to the end, they would, one day, sleep in the grave where neither word nor warmth could touch them, and he would have to say goodbye, and turn away, and leave them behind under the cover of the earth, just as they, too, would one day leave him.

And if heart had grieved so fiercely over the loss of his father whom he had barely known, how much more would he suffer when he lost his sisters and his mother? Perhaps he'd already risked too much. He loved his family - but could he even afford this? Should he? If he couldn't imagine living without them - if the world would be nothing without their presence - then how was this wise, if one day, he would be alone, and he would need a light beyond them to continue through?

He was quiet, and his frown held firm, for he knew what he felt, and he knew that his reason sung higher and more convincing than his emotions ever would. His mother said his fear should not drive him to sever himself from others, but he was not afraid - for how was this fear? In the end, vulnerability brought pain - and if that was love, he didn't want it. 

The raven offered his mother a short nod, and his voice rang soft and low. "I understand," but understanding did not equal accepting. He reached out, but kept his heart from piquing with the usual rush of affection as his nose met her cheek. "Thank you, mother." Let everyone else throw their hearts about as they would. Merrit would not let himself go there again, and Valette had helped him see every reason why.

It felt too easy. Too easy that Merrit agreed. Valette was trying to do the right thing but now she wasn't sure if her words backfired or not. She had to believe her son's word for it. She dipped her head in a nod. Still this didn't really gave her answers how Merrit thought about her and Greyback. She hoped that Merrit wouldn't hate it too much.

"Hopefully you aren't too mad at me for liking Greyback," she then spoke carefully. It was to get a feeling for how much the young Boy did dislike her relationship with another male than his father. Valette had not been happy those last months with Stark. She was happier with Greyback.

He felt a sudden tiredness overtake him, as his mother shifted their conversation back to Greyback, and his anger threatened to rise again. The boy entertained his thoughts for the briefest moment, before he let the sparks subside with a sigh, to become something colder, like ice.

"You've made your choice," he simply said - and it was strange, how quickly this feeling of apathy already began to settle. "Who am I to change that." Greyback had controlled his life for far too long already. He would never love him; mark his words, that man would always be a vulture who had stolen his mother away when she had been most vulnerable, but he couldn't dwell on what had been done. He could only carry forward.

"I have nothing more to say of him. But if we're done here, I would like to speak with you of something else." And he was done, with every word about Greyback. His tone suggested as much - but he allowed his mother to make that final call.

Valette felt that everything she was going to say was going to backfire. It seemed that her words created the opposite of what she wanted to achieve. She just hoped that her son wasn't going to grow to hate her. What a depressing thought. The female sighed. "I just hope that one day you will get along with him." Valette hoped that maybe when Merrit would be an adult and not so much a teenager he would see things differently.

"Of course, speak," she offered. However, fear was settling in her chest. Was he leaving her? Did Merrit want to leave Easthollow now she was together with Greyback? She had a dreadful feeling in her stomach.

He allowed his mother's sentiment to fall upon an obstinate heart; in the blindness of this moment, her hope was misplaced. The raven would tolerate the patriarch, would seek to respect him, but only in the ways that were due him by rank alone. He would never move his affections in a way that held Greyback at anything closer than at a tail's length. As of now, his mother held her hopes in vain.

But there were other matters at hand, of greater importance. If his mother was apprehensive about what these matters were, Merrit remained oblivious to this. He cut quick to his musings, and proceeded to speak at his mother's request. "I am aware that I am now counted among the adults here, and I would like to make myself more useful to the pack. I trust that you, of any wolf here, have seen my strengths the best," and he raised his brow to his mother at this, allowing his level gaze to rest on her eyes, "You already mentioned our need for a healer. Do you believe I would do well if I chose to train in this? Or is there another gap within Easthollow that I could fill better, a trade that is needed, but is not yet present within our ranks?"

The conversation took a turn that she didn't expect. Valette nodded when Merrit spoke. She was so proud of him, taking such responsibility. The mother smiled at her son proudly. "Of course I believe in you, Merrit!," she spoke. "If you want to go into the medical trade then I will support you as much as I can. I must admit I am not good with herbs but I do know a few tips and tricks for the minor injuries. You know from having pups," she chuckled softly.

"Let me think. There isn't a historian in our pack, but I usually am that role even though it isn't my trade. But caregiver is most needed," she nodded to her son. "It isn't an easy trade, and you might need the help of other packs to learn further in the trade," she offered to him.

Her reception warmed him, and he felt his shoulders ease from the tension their conversation had wrought. The warmth didn't quite reach to a smile, but he did feel a swell of satisfaction that his mother considered him worthy and able to pursue the ideas he had brought before her.

"Hmm." There was a challenge to the study of caretaking, but Merrit believed the work put in would be worth the benefits in the end. Useful, and necessary. While he had never considered the task of an historian before, the raven found the suggestion made sense. There were no heirs to Easthollow left except he and his sisters, and if they did not keep the story of their family, then who would? He nodded slowly, "I will seek both trades, then. Historian, and caretaker. I would like to begin training with you in both." And he paused. "Do we have any allies who would be able to teach me medicine beyond the basic remedies?"

Valette smiled when hearing that Merrit wanted to do this with her together. She was always more animated with her facial expressions compared to her son. He clearly was related to Stark. "That is fine with me," she confirmed. "I can tell you pretty much all there is to know about Easthollow, and the pack that we were before that, Silvertip Mountain. Although, I do think that Easthollow has become a different pack all together over the years under my leadership," she admitted to him.

"I'd say for more knowledge maybe go to Lost Creek Hollow, I don't know if they have a medic but it is worth a try, they are our best bet," she admitted. Bearclaw was no more, and the same went for Morningside--- Oh! Pema! "You can check if Pema moved with Sunny to Elysium. She is a very skilled healer and might want to teach you." It was worth a try to check if the female lived there. If not perhaps there was someone else at Elysium that could help them. They seemed to be a friendly bunch so far.

He realized he knew very little about Easthollow's history, and even less about Silvertip Mountain's. Of course, Merrit knew little bits from his mother's stories, but he had never thought to commit the entirety of their history to memory. And yet, why not? The thought of discovering this now ignited an excitement in his chest he hadn't felt for a very long while, and for the flicker of a second, Merrit's lips tugged upward in a crooked and quivering grin - reflecting the enthusiasm of his mother, on a far quieter scale - and looking quite like he didn't know how to wear the expression of pleasure anymore.

The raven nodded. "I will start with Elysium," he decided with finality, "If Pema did not follow the rest of her pack there, and if they have no one else to teach me, then I will return and check with the Hollow." He already began to work through the plan; he would do best to leave soon, he decided; he knew which way to go, for he had visited Elysium once before. But the raven hadn't told his mother this - that he had followed her and Greyback, and had seen them woven together - and with deliberate cover, he tacked on a final question to keep this secret close, "What is the way to Elysium, and what do I do, once I reach their border?"

Valette slowly nodded. She would always have started at their closest ally, but Merrit thought the opposite. Perhaps it was because the boy wanted to travel and stretch his legs. She was just going to let him do as he decided. It was good for him to learn from his decisions. "The easiest route would go to the Duck Lake, keep the lake on your right, then Swiftcurrent Creek on your left. Go though Emberwood to avoid the wetlands. The wetlands are not quick to travel through and there are cougars there.' After all her mother, and Merrit's grandmother died there.

"Once clear of the woods, keep the ridge to your left side and then you should smell Elysium from there." It was as much as a description she could give. She had not traveled for a long time so her ranger skills felt a bit out of shape. Still, she found that her mind remembered the road well seeing that she had been traveling with Greyback and he had been a distraction. "Let me know if something on the road has changed."