Neverwinter Forest Paradise on the right, hell on the left

for @Mal <3
a little PP with him, lmk if i need to change it

She hadn't set out along the borders only to patrol; she was also searching for Mal. It had been a bit since they had an in depth conversation on everything that was going on with the pack and with Mal. She knew he must have talked to Cupid at some point because he and Caerus were now sleeping in the Mal's den with them. It was a relief to know that hopefully Mal didn't have to worry about them leaving again, at least that's what she assumed based on how much better things seemed between them. 

She moved along the edge of the territory, stopping every now and then to inspect something and freshen the scent if needed. Eventually, she picked up Mal's fresh scent and began to track it as it lead her farther down the borders. She figured he would be patrolling right now too.

When she saw him up ahead, she released a low chuff and then upped her pace to close the distance between them, arriving at his side and brushing against him in greeting. Hey, Mal, she offered. How are you?'

And I shall be vague about some other things, like whether Caerus hates him or whatnot. XD

It had been a weird month, hadn't it? He started it with one kid and was ending the month with... How many? Seven? That was goddamn ridiculous! How did one go about talking about that? It sounded unreal. And probably for most people it would have been. But Mal had done a good job at being an idiot so there you go.

But at least he didn't feel so bad about things now. Mal felt as though things weren't utter garbage with Cupid, so that was a nice first step in the grand scheme of things. He'd still have to work things out with Miriam, but the weird neutrality was something he'd gotten used to. Maybe the kids could help win her over. He'd try to figure it out. Either way, off for a normal patrol, and he was just pondering the whole thing. 

At Simmiks' call, he paused half a second  and looked back, so she could catch up. As always, he was glad to see her, Hey! Doing good, nothing odd out here today -- what about yourself?

She started walking again, offering him a smile and a shrug. She was glad to see him look happy and to hear that he was good. I've been good, just trying to help out wherever I can. She explored a lot too, but always made sure to do things here—patrol, check the caches, check on Cupid and Caerus. Which reminded her. I wanted to check on Miriam, but I don't know her, Simmik started. Do you think it would be okay to stop by with food for her? She'd hate to overstep, especially when she might be protective over her new children

She had more things to tell him and ask, but that had been on her mind since she smelled the obvious scent of birth and new pups when she wandered near the woman's den recently.

Mal really hadn't left the territory much at all. Just a tiny bit of wandering after prey here and there. Uhh. When was he supposed to go back to scouting? Oops. I think she'd be fine with it at least. I've been making sure she has something -- she hasn't really said much about what she wants, though. Which was really the problem the whole time, wasn't it? How they'd ended up in this mess in the first place. He'd certainly been trying to fix things but just lack of response made it hard. At least Mal was earnest.

She's a lot more uh.. Chill than Cupid at least. Caerus barged on into the den and they just were hanging out having a conversation basically when I got there. He was glad it had pretty much gone okay. He'd expected the worst, but at least it meant she was probably less likely to do something rash if an enthusiastic kid hadn't ruffled her fur at all.

She made a note to bring food to Miriam at some point over the next few days and check on her, but first she had to clarify his odd statement. What do you mean? she asked. She won't tell you what she needs? That would be kind of weird, especially since, knowing Mal, it was probably pretty obvious he wanted to help. 

She smiled when hearing of Caerus' most recent antics. Of course he did, she said with a small huff of laughter. At least she wasn't angry with him it seems. Then she paused and, curiosity getting the better of her as usual, she asked: How did she end up here in the first place? Had Mal found her in need and offered her a place to have her kids? If that was the case, you would think she would be more willing to make sure her needs were met; maybe she was just the suffer in silence type? Simmik could understand that mentality.

How did he better explain it? I dunno, she just doesn't say much. Like a nod or whatever doesn't give me much to go on. Like even from the start it seemed like we were sort of we're talking the same language but different at the same time, if that makes any sense. Because what she had said to him sure as heck didn't seem to be in line with what she wanted. Mal wasn't particularly clever, so he couldn't exactly name why. He could frown slightly though. She was a puzzle. He thought he'd figured her out, but nope, not any more.

When we were coming back from Moonspear, in that last leg of the trip when we were basically home, found her not too far away so she followed after for that last little bit. She's kept pretty much quiet since then. Hell, it had been a while and they'd not crossed paths too many times. She'd hung back fairly far then too, but they spent much of that last chunk of the trip hunting, so there wasn't as much crossing paths there as there otherwise might have been.

Oh, that's kind of weird, she commented at first. Well maybe she'll talk to me? I can try and see if there's anything else she needs maybe? She wasn't sure she would get a different reaction from the new mother, but she didn't mind trying, especially if it would help Mal. 

Oh okay, she said, thinking back to when that was. She must have already been home or something, but it does match up to when Miriam joined the pack. So she was pregnant and just wandering alone without a pack? Simmik asked. That didn't sound like a good idea. She wondered why she was in the situation in the first place if that was in fact the situation. Of course Mal would offer his help, any decent wolf would. Maybe something bad happened, and that was why she was so quiet?

He seemed hopeful at that thought, That'd be nice I think. He didn't know if maybe another girl in general would be easier to talk to or just Someone Not Named Mal. Obviously Simmik counted for both.

He still didn't understand the whole damn thing. No, they're mine. She was here for a few weeks, then when she was in heat came to me. I asked her if she wanted pups and she said yeah, but she's been weird since. Okay, he probably hadn't been too clear about what he was asking, but she hadn't been clear about her answer either and together they had been reflecting on different questions entirely. In that aspect they were very good at mutually not understanding each other, but Mal was especially confused by it all because he had been sure he'd done everything right. So why was she acting weird? Was she always that weird?

The thing that was clear was that Mal still wasn't a fan of being someone's regret. But it just kept happening.

Simmik nodded. Okay, no problem then. She would bring her something to eat and hopefully have more luck talking with her than it seemed Mal had. 

She slowed to a stop at his words. So all the puppies here were his. Far be it from her to judge him for what he did in his free time, but she couldn't help but wonder if that was really a good idea. Not the children part, but the three different co-parents part. Aren't you afraid there will be tension between the three of them? she asked him first. I mean, you have the right to have whatever kind of relationships you want, but do they all know about each other? Some might be okay with that kind of arrangement, but she figured most probably wouldn't be. She knew if she were having someone's kids, she'd want to be the only one doing so, and she definitely wouldn't want to share someone she was invested enough in to have kids with. She was worried about how this might all end up for him, especially now that things seemed to be better with Cupid. Had Mal thought through any of this?

Simmik stopped, and he slowed, paused, and turned to look at her. What was the issue? Oh. Well. He hadn't really thought about it, I mean I doubt it? I'd never abandon a kid. Aibreann already said she didn't care as long as I was there for the kids. I thought Miriam wanted the same, but now I dunno. And Cupid -- well, you know that story. It wasn't the way he might want things -- again, going back to the whole Mal wanted everyone to like him thing -- but whatever. This was his life. But hey, the fact he was somewhat sour about the whole thing (no matter what he had decided to do) wasn't entirely hidden -- he tried, but how many times had he been rejected in one way or another? Look. He was completely clueless on how relationships worked, and maybe eventually someone might actually like him (besides Hua, who came with her own set of problems, thanks distance) but for now it was just kind of frustrating. Hell, he hadn't even been able to get a no-strings-attached thing going.

Then she brought up another thing he hadn't thought about. Through the whole conversation he'd been sort of not necessarily defensive, but certainly on the back foot. After all, he wasn't sure about any of it. They all know at least of some of them for sure... I think? Aibreann does. But I don't know if she did go see Miriam -- but obviously she knows about Cupid. And Caerus probably told Cupid. I dunno what Cupid gets up to when he wanders around, so who knows. It's not like any of it's a secret or anything. It just seemed likely to him that none of them really cared. For whatever reason nobody saw him that way.

Mal had some issues. Or baggage. Both?

His first words confused her a little. I never said you would, she told him first. If something she said had implied that he might abandon his kids, she certainly hadn't meant it to come off like that. I know you wouldn't, she added after a pause to study his face. It's just that I kind of had to stumble into all of this information, and so I wasn't sure what all you had discussed with everyone. He sure hadn't told her anything, and she had considered them to be kind of close. Maybe she had been wrong about that on his end? All she knew about was Cupid, and she had to figure everything else out accidentally. She had a feeling that wouldn't go over well with the three actually involved, or at least Cupid and Miriam since Aibreann seemed pretty lax about that part of things. She wanted to save him the grief if she could. 

And the answers he continued to give didn't make her feel better about anything. It all seemed to be his assumption, like he just expected them to all figure out from each other. To her, that felt like a bad idea, but maybe she was projecting. It was not a situation she would want to find herself in the middle of, but maybe they were all okay with it. Still, she couldn't help but feel like he should do more than just assume everyone was on the same page. Well, don't you think you should make sure? she asked him hesitantly. You know, in case someone isn't okay with it? Her expression was soft and concerned. I just...don't want you to get hurt, that's all, she added. She didn't want to give him a hard time, but she also didn't want this to all blow up in his face and hurt him more than he already had been.

Mal was a little touchy on the whole never abandoning kids thing, if it hadn't been obvious. He would always jump to that conclusion if it ever got a hint of being whispered. But still, he listened attentively eve if in the end Mal's thought about the whole thing was probably a little immature. He shrugged, I guess. But if they're really bothered that'll be weird. Because that means they've just said nothing the whole time that'd like.. make it sound like an issue. Maybe stuff isn't perfect, maybe I'd like things to be a kinda different. Maybe? He still would prefer if everyone really liked him and there was not a single hint of any possible trouble, but that was probably a world that didn't have a single hope of existing. But I'm being a good father, even if the rest doesn't ever work out for me. Let's be real, Mal could have way worse priorities. 

But he'd said nothing of Hua and their children together. That was a different situation with practically the opposite scenario. He wasn't sure how to solve that, but it seemed unlikely to be an issue until he went back again. He'd have time to figure it out, right? He just really couldn't see a good solution.

It kind of seemed like she wasn't going to get anywhere with this; he just seemed to be okay with assuming everyone knew everything and was okay with it. Maybe he would think about what she said later? She had only meant to bring it to his attention so that he could save himself from some of the drama that might erupt. And he kept bringing it all back to being a good father, which was starting to frustrate her. She never said anything to the opposite, and she wondered why he was so insecure about it? His past probably played a part, but she wondered if there was more, maybe something happened that she didn't know about. That was beside the point, though. Well, yeah, of course you are, she answered, studying his face with concern on her own. 

She paused a second and looked away, searching for the best way to ask her next question. Something he had said a second ago concerned her as well. How would you like things to be? she asked him, returning her gaze to his face. She wondered what specifically didn't work out for him? Had someone turned him down or something, or was he just making a general statement about how he thought things should be?

The kids liked him -- or at least Caerus did, Miriam's twins were too young to know, and Aibreann's were still cooking. It had made being a father the only thing he felt like he was really doing right and could reach out and grasp onto. He didn't realize maybe he sounded weird about it all. 

But she did ask a question, one that he wasn't entirely sure how to really answer. Because well, he didn't really know what he wanted -- just that status quo wasn't really the best ever. I don't know. Be wanted? Instead of just being responsible. Maybe Aibreann might shift that way eventually, but right now it wasn't so much the case. Cupid and Miriam seemed unlikely to his current perspective. Then there was Hua. And that wasn't even going in to how he felt Zephyr treated him. I just want stuff to work out somehow instead of turning weird. Or being impossible to start, but he left that out.

He still didn't know what a relationship would look like. If that was even what he wanted. He just wanted to be close to someone at a minimum.

His answer had not been anywhere close to what she expected. Her frown deepened as her steps slowed and she looked at him for a few moments without saying anything. Everyone wanted the same thing to some extent, but she had a feeling he had never experienced that feeling in any form, at least not as often as she thought he deserved. Have you...never felt that way? she asked. No one he had been with had made him feel wanted? or maybe it was that things hadn't continued to feel that way? She really had no experience with his particular situation, but she did know that he certainly deserved to have someone in his life that made him feel important. She shifted closer so that she brushed against him to offer her support. She was unsure what else to say. She hated that she seemed to have no useful words to give him. But what advice could she offer that wouldn't sound insincere? Is there anyone that you want things to be different with? Someone that is important to you?She paused a second before adding: Because you definitely deserve that. Maybe he just needed to talk to them and tell them how he felt? But that wasn't always easy and it didn't necessarily mean things would work out. She'd hate to see him be honest about how he felt just to get hurt.

so tired why am I writing

It was probably the one time he didn't instantly reciprocate. He didn't want to blur that line right now and since Mal had done a good job maybe messing everything else up, he wasn't going to risk somehow doing something stupid and losing the best friend he had. No I've had a pretty good time ending up feeling like a mistake more often then not, when I haven't done anything wrong or anything. Like what was he supposed to do? What games were they actually playing when a plain yes or no wasn't actually what they wanted in the end? Hell, I couldn't even get a no-strings-attached thing to work -- I got sworn to secrecy on that one. And man, he really wished he hadn't promised Zephyr that. It felt cruel now. Though of one night stand things, honestly he'd been glad Ibis hadn't come back. He assumed nothing had happened there because she did seem like the type to come back whining if she'd gotten pregnant. At least with Aibreann I know what to expect. Anything else happens there, at that's a bonus.  

But feeling different about anyone? He thought about it and in all honestly wasn't sure. Or at least not sure enough that it was ever something that could be overcome. Shrug. There's always issues. They're here but don't like me too much. Or like maybe does except we both lead different packs so that's not gonna work too easy now is it? It was frustrating.

His first two answers had anger bubbling up in her chest. She wanted to ask who these wolves were so she could find them and kick their asses. It sounded like they had taken advantage of Mal's kindness and tendency to do whatever made those around him comfortable regardless of how he felt. It may not have been for those reasons exactly but there had definitely been some taking advantage, and she hated it. Well, it sounds like whoever they were, they were not good enough for you, she pointed out. Anyone who is wouldn't make you feel that way. She firmly believed that, whether he would agree or not. 

As for Aibreann, Simmik wasn't so sure about her. She was civil because her pups were also Mal's, but she wasn't sure she really liked the healer. At least she was up front with him about things, though; that gave her some points in Simmik's eyes. Still, she worried about if something more developed between them mostly because she wasn't sure Aibreann would treat him properly either. But she was just borrowing trouble now. If things changed between them, then Simmik might say something but for now, things seemed to be fine there. 

Leading different packs doesn't necessarily mean you can't make something work, she told him. She had something similar going on, and it had worked well so far, although she wasn't really into having anything too serious right now. She was well into the avoidance part of the grieving process, which also meant protecting herself from getting too attached to anyone else. But back to her point: It just means you won't see them as often, but you can still spend time with them, she continued. She wondered if he had someone specifically he was referring to or if it was just an example? Or maybe something that happened in the past? It could be that it was all of those things, but she didn't press for any more information just yet. 

was a little vague about the aibreann stuff since that thread is still in process

Technically she already knew all of them already -- she was saying that Cupid didn't deserve him, that Miriam didn't. At least he kind of agreed that Zephyr didn't -- he had initially been like ok, whatever, but now it just rankled Mal that he'd even agreed to those terms in the first place. Either way, her words didn't do much to build him up -- maybe a little of the opposite. He wanted them to like him. Maybe it was a bad choice.

But somehow she thought it would be easy? Nah. Dive right back in to Mal's muddled train of thought -- after all, he'd just learned about Hua's litter, he hadn't entirely processed everything still. He shook his head, It's not that simple. Nothing's ever so simple. I thought maybe it would be, but that got complicated real quick. I didn't see her for a while, thought it was just busy leader stuff, but was because she had pups too. They're like a little younger than Caerus. Did Simmik even know about Yuelong's other leadership? Uhh. Couldn't remember, but Mal was in word-vomit mode so that wasn't gonna stop him. But nobody said anything. Not when Aiolos was here or stopped by again, not when people talked to Ying... I don't know, maybe other things would be different, but they didn't. I only found out because I went there to ask about scouting stuff Ying dropped the ball on. But somehow it's only for me to figure out how to make stuff work and -- I don't know. It was very mixed messages. Hua was always nice to him. He thought maybe she did like him -- or at least that little bit of actual affection she showed him had made him think that way -- but then she did nothing to try to get him involved until he showed up on the doorstep. So did she or did she not? Obviously distance was probably the main thing that kept things from being clear one way or another. The last bit he tagged on was a little sad -- at the time he thought it had been kinda cute and amusing but the longer it lingered, the more he didn't like it. One tried to bite me on the nose.. Because they didn't know me. And the rest of that whole thread can be vague because it's not done yet either, WOO!

Her first reaction was to tell him that things could be that simple; they didn't have to be so complicated all the time, which was obviously easy for her to say with her no children and life with considerably more freedom because of that fact. But as he continued to speak, she realized why things were more complicated and that there was an actual someone he was interested in that lead another pack. At first, she didn't pick up on what he was implying. He was mentioning Aiolos, which told her that the pack was Yuèlóng, but she gave him a confused look otherwise. Why would Aiolos have told Mal about the pups? Did he know how Mal felt about his leader? Maybe there was more to it that she didn't know?

He told her that he went to Yuèlóng to see this woman and that's how he found out. She nodded, her expression still holding some confusion as it shifted to concern. She felt the anger bubble again at his dejected statement about being the one who had to figure out how to make things work. She was going to offer her opinion on that but then everything clicked with his final words. The pups were his; that was why he was so upset by the whole thing and why he seemed sad that they didn't know him. More of a reason for her to be angry with whoever this was. I'm sorry, Mal, she offered. There was no judgement about that fact that he had yet another litter of pups; that would just be poking his wounds. Plus, it wasn't exactly like she judged him in the first place; she just wanted him to be careful and protect himself a little more. It's not just on you to make it work, she added because she couldn't help it. It's on both of you. Again, that was easy for her to say being unbound by the responsibility of caring for children, but there was still some truth to it—not an easy truth, but truth nonetheless.

Talking about all this so much was making him feel vulnerable in a different way. Regret. Some for bringing it up because living in ignorance was nice and easy and now he was wondering how many people that he was pretty sure he hadn't pissed off that he'd actually pissed off somehow. The world was too complicated and he wanted it simple.

A sigh. I don't know how. I'd say she should come here, but I don't think either of us would give up our packs.. Or what she'd say. He shook his head slightly, sort of dismissing the whole thing now and wishing he'd said nothing, I'm probably reading into it too much anyway. He looked away for a moment. Hua hadn't told him about the pups, after all. What else was he supposed to think about that? He thought he'd been clear that he was totally there for any of his kids, so she should have said something, right? He didn't really see the possible hypocrisy there with how he'd just said nothing to all of those who had born his pups.

Well, does one of you have to leave and join the others pack for it to work? she asked. As he said, it seemed unlikely that either was willing to do that. So maybe they could find some other way to compromise? I know it's probably harder right now with the pups so young, but maybe when they're older, you guys could take turns visiting the others territory? Maybe stay for a few days? It seemed like a good option for them, but with the way he was acting, she wasn't sure she'd be able to really convince him of anything. She couldn't really blame him, though; she had kind of brought up a lot of emotionally heavy stuff. 

His next comment had concern twisting her expression again. Why do you think you're reading too much into it? she asked. Maybe it's just not going to be easy to figure out; that doesn't mean you should give up if it's what you really want. Even if she wasn't so sure about the Yuèlóng leader, she wouldn't necessarily tell him not to see how things go, not yet anyway.

He was a little stubborn about it, It'd make things easier. I'd actually get to see her. And how am I supposed to like.. teach the kids to hunt and stuff if they're far away most of the time? It always came back to the pups.

But her followup question was what caused him to look back over, Why didn't she say anything? Would she have ever said anything if I hadn't shown up? It was the main thing that nagged at him the more he thought about it. He hadn't asked. He'd said some kind of stupid things and that would just have made it worse, probably. But Hua definitely had the option to let Mal know some way or another. It wasn't like he was off in some distant land... He'd said he'd help before, right? So why radio silence? But she'd acted normal when he was there... It just seemed really weird and he couldn't figure out why. That bugged him. And if he'd known the real reason why, he probably wouldn't actually want to know.

As expected, he pushed back against her suggestion, but she was stubborn too, so she shrugged and added: Those skills can still be taught while you're with them; it's better than never seeing them, don't you think? In a perfect world, everyone would all live together in one place and be happy and get along, but she was pretty sure they both knew how imperfect the world could be. The universe didn't care what he wanted; it just dealt them their hands based on their choices or sometimes for no reason at all, and they had to figure out how to live with it. That was what she had come to understand anyway. Eventually the both of them would just have to figure out a way to make it work if they wanted Mal to be in the kids' lives.

When he stopped and looked at her, spouting his questions, she paused and stared at him. She had apparently misunderstood him before. She winced a little and shrugged again. I don't know, Mal, she answered hesitantly. Sometimes people are shitty and do shitty things; I don't think we always get to know the reasons why. She wished she had answers for him, if only to soothe his obvious upset, but she didn't know why the Yuèlóng leader had made the decisions she made. Simmik didn't even know her, so there was no way she could even try to get inside her head, nor did she really want to; as far as she was concerned, she was someone who had hurt Mal, and so she was already starting off on her shit list.

Probably getting close to wrapping this as Mal is getting difficult. XD

But I want more than that. Maybe at the time it had totally sounded ok, but now it didn't. Now it just felt cruel that maybe he had a tiny chance of some sort of slightly more traditional happiness only to have a giant hole blown in it by logistics. Even if it went perfect, best case scenario, how much time would he still be alone?

See? No answers. What if he was wrong about it all and she was just being nice to be nice? He'd make a fool of himself. He really didn't have much more to say about it, but at least she could see the issue. If Mal had known that his troubles he'd brought up with all of them had ended up putting them in such a bad light for Simmik, maybe he'd have held his tongue. But he didn't hate any of them, or really have any bad feelings... He just wanted them to like him.

LOL sounds good

Now they were just going in circles. She knew what he wanted; she was trying to tell him that what they wanted didn't always matter. But he just wasn't going to listen to her, was he? She could feel her temper flare, but she quickly extinguished it. She would feel bad if she had a frustrated outburst simply because he was too upset to see reason. Plus, she could understand, she just didn't really know how else to help, and that irritated her too. I know, she replied instead of trying to reason with him anymore. I'm sorry, Mal. It was all she could think to offer now—her support and empathy, which she knew wasn't always very comforting.

She was quiet after that, afraid to say anything else. She did offer a brief, but hopefully comforting, touch of her nose to his shoulder. She wished she could do or say more.