Ocean's Breath Plateau The wreck of the day

Her thoughts whipped about inside her mind like stones picked up by a tornado, each of them a threat to her own wellbeing. So violently they were flung through her mind, she could not dwell on one for very long before it was replaced by another, one that brought her even more grief.

She made a fine victim of herself; a young woman often overlooked, now so desperate to be noticed that she had followed customs of a different culture without questioning what it meant to her. She had given her body to a total stranger, flirted shamelessly with a married man, and had begged another to wed her. 

She had thought she could potentially share her heart, so long as she had everything that she wanted…Chakliux made it seem as though both of his wives were content, without want for anything- and while she had never directly agreed that she would accept it if Dutch chose to marry another, she realized now that she might not have even been capable of telling him the truth. 

How blissful that blindness had been. She longed for it again, but knew that she could not have it. She understood now how jealous her own heart was- and felt her spirit spoil. 

She did not want to prepare her den, not now. While the thought frightened her, she wondered if she might feel relieved if for some reason she did not conceive. She tried not to think about it, tried to tell herself that she was over-reacting, but the whirlpool of doubt dragged her further in. She instead chose to hide, in plain sight- and wandered through Moontide’s territory wondering what she should do with herself now, and if she could summon the courage to talk to her mate about how she felt.

It was not often that the panther found it difficult to draw up some empathy. He wasn't used to that empty feeling, nor to the stirrings of resentment that made it so painful to look at her. When he examined those feelings, he knew it was his own guilt — misplaced or not — that made him want to bristle against her.

He did not know exactly why she was upset. He only knew why he was.

Dutch watched his wife pace while he sorted his own thoughts, his own hurts. He found her blameless of any real wrongdoing, just as he knew he would. This feeling, then, this hurt — it was wanting, he thought. Wanting to be close to her.

He closed the distance, weariness slowly bleeding away to relief, even though he knew that nothing had yet been resolved.

"We should visit your grandmother's island," he said as he drew near enough for conversation. "One of these days. When our babies are old enough to leave with family for a few days."

He reached out, hoping to touch his nose to her silken cheek.

"Mere rani," he called her, whether or not the touch was allowed. "Will you tell me what is on your mind?"

She knew she should have felt relieved when he came to her- that it might mean he would choose her over his plans to keep Sulukinak from leaving. Inevitably, though, she knew he would come to her, whether it was because he wanted to, or because he felt obligated to do so. They were early in their marriage still- she may as well appreciate the sense of obligation while it lasted.

He spoke of warm, summery things- of her family’s old homeland, of their children, of sunny days to come. Sugar, she thought; maple sap against rough bark- sweet, but not enough to soften the coarseness of the tension between them. She offered only a small nod and a light smile. Yes, she would like to see the island, and take their children there, if children should come.

She tilted her chin up to accept his touch, and felt her cheeks warm under the brush of his breath. But her eyes welled with tears as he rushed to ask her what bothered her. She tried to swallow, but found a lump in her throat. Many things buzzed on the tip of her tongue, angry as hornets; she sought to temper her impulse, but found it difficult to be reasonable. 

”Why did he say you want Sulukinak for second wife?” She choked.

Her pain shamed him. Already, he was finding ways to disappoint her. He felt a deep, frantic need to fix this, to make her smile — and let out a little breath that was almost relief when the question she asked was one he knew the answer to.

"Because he cannot imagine another use for a woman," he replied, his expression darkening just briefly at the thought. "Even meeting you — "

He shook his head in an effort to lower his hackles. His anger was not helpful right now, and it was not directed toward Simbelmyne in any case. He looked back to her now, his gaze intent.

"I do not seek a second wife," he said to her, searching her sorrowful features for signs of understanding or acceptance. "Not in anyone — but especially not in Sulukinak. She is not much younger than you, but she is still so young in spirit. I know her as a frightened girl. Frightened and confused. My love could not take this other form for her."

Her gazed tracked from one eye to the next, studying for any sign that he might be lying to her. In seeing none, she felt ashamed for having assumed the worst, and while she found fewer and fewer reasons to doubt him, she found more and more reasons to doubt herself.

Her lips wobbled as he explained, and she flattened her ears like a child who accepting punishment they had earned. ”I thought-“ she blurted a light sob halting her confession. She felt a weight lift to know he had not tired of her, but she wondered now if he had chosen well for his wife- a wife who had so swiftly succumbed to her own jealousy. 

She moved forward, hoping he might allow her to lean into him, as she began to cry. ”I am sorry,” She had been so foolish! And in front of Chakliux too, she had made their marriage seem tumultuous. ”I shouldn’t have been so-“ She sobbed, and pulled in a shaky inhale, only to shudder in disgust at her own surge of emotions. ”I don’t know why I felt so bad, I just- I didn’t…And I shouldn’t have assumed the worst I just couldn’t-“ Her sentences ran together as a messy compilation of confessions, muddled together as tears ran hot and free down her cheeks.

His relief was so swift and strong that it stole his breath away. She understood, then — and that meant he was still the man that she wanted him to be. And, then and there, he was sure that he was the man he wanted to be as well. Still, her tears brought him pain, and he was quick to sweep her up against him. He did his best to clean the tears from her cheeks, at first only listening, as Chakliux had suggested.

But when her words cut off with some finality, he gathered his own together and spoke:

"If you must be sorry, then I forgive you," he said, not wanting to throw the apology back in her face even though he wanted badly to disregard it altogether. "But I am not angry. We cannot hope to know all there is to know about each other yet. But I will tell you: I wed you with my heart and my body, with no thought of another wife somewhere down the line. And if it had been a possibility? It would not be now. How can any man look for a second wife if his first is not blissfully happy? — both before and after."

He thought of Cen again, and what Chakliux had said about caribou wives.

"And I will confess," he breathed, simmering in anger once more, "I wanted to tear that man's eyes out when he looked at you as he did."

How recklessly had she abandoned her faith in him- all because of the words of a stranger! She shamed herself, for being a new and fickle bride, and melted into the warming embrace of her steady, forgiving husband. She felt her heart beat wildly against him, thudding twice for each beat of his own.

She whimpered softly, still robbed of coherent words when he forgave her, and explained that she would be his only. She felt her jealousy dissipate; and some of her concern for Sulukinak returned, to settle somewhere in the background. 

She felt her cheeks warm when he spoke of the other man, and she cringed. ”I do not like his manner,” She confessed. ”Men who look at women like that will never look at them with respect.”

The panther thought no more of his own hurt; it had dissolved at once in the face of his wife's sorrows. He felt bad for causing her to doubt him even knowing it was not entirely his problem to circumvent. Even so, he would try harder.

"They will not," he agreed, his words grim. "But she will find her way. I worry for her, but — but she was not happy with us, I don't think. She was always an outsider, and I cannot make her friends for her. Perhaps this is why she seeks family."

It made him sad, but he hoped she would gain something from this newly forged bond.

"You have been quiet, too," he commented, wondering how to broach this topic. "I worry you will become lonely, even with me for company."

She had to wonder what might become of Sulukinak, but she knew so little of the young woman’s true nature to have a guess at how happy she might be, with the bold man who had lured her away. She tried to be optimistic, as she knew that Dutch would be concerned about her wellbeing in the meantime. ”We will hope that you are right,” She said. After all- if something happened to her, she knew that Dutch would be beside himself.

He seemed concerned for her, however, and she was surprised by his observation. ”Have I?” She asked, cheeks flushing with warmth yet again. Her gaze became worried. Had she been pulling away from him? She shook her head, brow furrowed. ”I am sorry- I did not realize,” She would have to try harder- speak more, try harder to fit in, if that was what he hoped for from her.

He felt bad, instantly, for bringing this up. She was already upset! He did not like to hear her apologies.

"I don't say this to scold you," he said, his voice gentle. He placed himself below her, nudging her chin with his nose. "I only want to see you happy. I want to watch you laugh with your friends — one day, at least. And there are many who might desire your friendship. Tullik and Marina would be welcoming. And there is Raindrop, the wife of Sumac — who is dear to my mother. Or there is Vaire, the wife of my brother, Valiant. They are both near enough they might make good friends for you."

He could not make friends for her — but he felt he was in a better place to suggest them for Simbelmyne than he had been for Sulukinak, even if he could not command his wife as readily as he had commanded his girl.

"Think about it," he suggested. "You would be a wonderful friend for anyone to have. You feel things deeply — this is the mark of a strong and loyal woman."

Friends.

She would love to have a friend of her own- someone who considered her to be their favourite, so they could pass secrets back and forth, share knowledge with a single look, and lean upon one another both to laugh and to cry. When she thought through the wolves she met, young Seal came to mind- but that had been some time ago and she felt she should find someone closer to her own age who might  be experiencing the same things. 

"I will meet them," She said, with a nod. She had wanted to- but with the move, the declaration of new territory, and then her heat- she'd been welcoming only of Dutch. "I will," She said, with a light, eager smile. His compliments cast a warm cloak about her shoulders, and she snuggled more deeply into his fur, and sighed. 

Her temperament seemed to shift with the breeze- but she would enjoy this little bit of peace while it lasted.