Kildeer Rest cigarette daydreams

SIGHS bc i have to listen to that song now
tag for ref

It's been far more difficult than he'd anticipated, resisting the urge to run off after Zamael. He's returned to his isolation with a vengeance. Sleep has been fleeting, and though it's only been about a week, it's already taken a toll. He tries to find solace in @Delight's company and to an extent it works, but he's wary of being clingy, so he doesn't often let himself have that.
Most of the time, he just stews in his thoughts. It's a bad combination, and he'd known that from the start, so maybe he shouldn't be wondering how he's found himself here. This isn't home, and it isn't keeping his promise to Delight either. But it's not far — he can always turn back, once he's sure Zamael isn't anywhere near here.
Except, Zamael is near. His scent drifts to him on the wind, and Alarian freezes. He doesn't know why, but he's rooted to the spot; he can't even turn to look, to see if he's somewhere in sight now. For some reason, it occurs to him to turn back. He still can — he can go back to the Sanctuary and pretend it never happened, and maybe Zamael will end up back over the borders or maybe he won't. Maybe it doesn't matter either way.
He doesn't turn back, but neither does he move to find his brother, caught somewhere in the middle and unable to wrestle himself one way or another.