Ghost Lion Crag darling remember, when you come to me

this was not meant to get this long, i'm sorry!

the thing was, it hadn't been just one thing.

it rarely ever was. and in looking back, tracing all of the circumstances that lead him here -- if but one had been different..

arcturus closed his eyes. "there is a woman -- a friend." the mountaineer's yellow gaze fluttered open, a hard bite within. "you met her that day -- wraen." but it wasn't just about a woman, was it? dragomir needed -- deserved -- the entire truth.. and to give it all, arcturus had to unravel some threads far deeper than simply recent events.

"i've known her for a long time - longer than you, even. one day, she told me of how she knew hydra, and my father, charon. she was delicate in how she phrased it -- but her impressions were not.. good." his lips twisted in a grim line - it had been hard news then, but it had planted the first seeds of doubt about his family.  "she made me realize, for the first time, that i have never thought for myself. i've never --" a pause, as the ex-beta's throat constricted. "i've never been free from someone else's control."

before hydra, it'd been charon and amekaze -- his entire life, lived under the thumb of a singular entity.

"like you, i have a sibling that has gone time and time again, my own isilme." his laugh was bitter and hurt. "revui. we grew up together and he was possibly my only friend -- and one day, he just left." arcturus' voice turned in anguish. now he was the revui. "i couldn't fathom it. how could he just leave us? I searched for him for months. when he came back months later, i was overjoyed. while my father was still alive, he made revui beta and i just could not understand -- how could someone who had left us all, be made a leader? it was that day, that i realized the family i loved could not see free of their own tangled perceptions. i was under my fathers nose the entire time— and he promoted someone else." in time, arcturus had been made beta -- but it had always been a hollow victory. "my parents fought one day and fell to their deaths, and revui did what revui does -- disappeared. this time, i did not search much at all."

how was this story so long - so entrenched in subtle nuances that changed the rippling of fate forever? "i went with hydra one day outside the spear, looking for revui on her behest. surprisingly, we found him. surprisingly, hydra told him he was not ready to return, but gave him a task to do so he could prove his place here." his jaw tightened - how arcturus had simply wanted to do away with it all - swear revui off as they had done to korei julia..

and now he was the korei julia of the family.

"revui was to patrol the groves at moonspear's feet; to look for osiris' attackers, to protect the homestead. he was to do so independently, but hydra had also enlisted the help of an ally, ying, to patrol as well. two -- no --" how long had it been? "three weeks ago, while i was patrolling, i caught ying's scent on the wind and followed her. she was in heat. there was a man -- half of his face gone and bloodied. ying was trying to hide from him. then there were multiple men, and hydra and revui -- and a woman who looked like one of the wolves we were told to kill on sight -- but somehow wasn't."  he paused to make sure dragomir was following, for now he felt he had been bogged down by minutia..

but the devil was in the details, as they always said.

"two of the men were chased off, but hydra told revui and i sort among ourselves who would protect ying, and who would obscure her trail." arcturus would never forget the cold glare of the moon in revui's challenging gaze. "i assumed, given my ranking and my role as a pack wolf, that there would be no discussion about who accompanied ying that night. instead, revui demanded -- challenged me to step down. i do not know what overcame me, but i would not have it. maybe i was clouded by ying's heat -- but i never.. i never wanted her.. i just didn't want revui to have her, either. i would not have my backbiting, abandoning brother tell me what to do." forced through grit teeth, arcturus' voice had taken on a frighteningly cold edge.

"we fought -- i thought i could take him, given all hydra had taught me -- but the wilds had taught him better. he struck me down, and i bled by the riverbank alone." it had been so eerily quiet, nothing but the darkness and the moon and the soft sigh of the river.. such a stark contrast from the bedlam moments before.

"ying found me later, and kukutux brought me home." he owed a great deal of his life to kukutux -- how the narrative would have changed, if he had not been so prideful and taken her as wife. "i was healing in her den when the call came. revui, returned to the spear.

challenging me for my rank as beta."

of all of the things arcturus had expected of revui, he had never thought his brother could slip the knife so closely -- so cleanly -- through him. "i knew i could not ignore his summons. so i went, to fight not for a woman, but my honor. this time, i would not lose - for i knew the mountains better than the riverbank, and i was prepared to .." kill him? a heavy sigh - arcturus had never thought much past the heat of the moment in those minutes, but now he realized a coldness had overcome him -- a narrow focus, only on survival and instinct, and no focus on love at all. "well, i was prepared to do whatever it takes." even if it came to the unthinkable. "when i got there, hydra was quick upon us and commanded us both to stand down. instead of defending me at first --" his voice twisted with disbelief still -- "she defended revui. she tried to control it all -- my life, my wife, my every thought and whim -- but i could not let her control that. i couldn't let the insult of being challenged slide; if i could not fight for my rank and honor, what use am i to moonspear? and if hydra, my sister, had to do all my fighting for me... well - not a good look for a strong leader, is it?" he smiled ruefully, his eyes tinged with sorrow. "revui hid under her -- the coward -- and i tried to pull him out from under her, to force him to fight me, to awaken some of that boiling blood i knew was under there and not the sniveling, submissive whelp i saw that day.. and instead, hydra turned upon him." even now arcturus could not wrap his head around what he had witnessed. "at first, it was simply snaps -- but then, it was something else - something bloodier and crueler.. and he was just lying there while she did it all --"

"and then she threw him aside, in front of most of the 'spear. while all of this happened, a trespasser came.. then, of all times. stupid. just stupid bullshit. hydra was off to control that situation too, and i saw all the blood on revui, and how she had turned on him so quick, in the blink of an eye when moments before she had been defending him, protecting him from me like i was some hideous monster.."

but he wasn't the monster. "i thought he was dead; the blood, he wasn't moving.. i didn't hear him breathing. i don't know, something came over me, maybe, i didn't want revui dead. not like that. and i might have been angry -- so angry with him.. but.." he sighed, unable to finish the trailing thought. "it hit me like a bolt from the blue. if she could turn on revui so fast, one day, she might turn on me, too. the day i decided i didn't want to be under her stranglehold anymore.. and she did -- she did turn on me, that day you saw.. in a different way. after she put down revui, i left. i went to wraen. she never made me feel the way hydra or revui did. she never inspired feelings of anger or unworthiness - and she always accepted things or mistakes i might make, without anger.

while i was at the firebirds, i had a second epiphany. that.. moonspear might have been my family, but they might not always be my people. i went back to challenge hydra, because i didn't think a leader should strike down a wolf after defending him.. but, wraen showed up. i had told her not to come but.. she did. it made me realize, that even if i fought hydra, i wouldn't have won. i had no support -- no backing at all --" another bitter laugh -- he, a wolf that had lived in the spear longer than most, had served two faithful, consecutive years without a single hiatus or unexplained absence -- didn't have a single soul on his side.

"they're all crazy - and they were making me crazy, too."