her chest ached, yet it was (somewhat) easily ignored now. she'd learned to live with guilt and shame and regret these past weeks, though it had not been simple to escape the numb cycle she'd set out for herself. Sunny's return, and news of Easy, had cracked through the emptiness, and now she stood at the borders of the man she somehow pitied and hated.
she did not call for him yet; her journey here had very little planning and thus she'd rather not simply summon him and offer him whatever she had to say thoughtlessly. apologizing seemed wrong, and she could not yet see past her hate. yet she could not ignore what she'd lose by allowing her poison to be the last thing said, and some selfish part of her desired something to end up right.
still, she didn't call; not until the sun burned through the fur on her shoulders and the uncomfortable heat settled fully. she called then, summoning @Alarian and hoping this would not go as poorly as last.
July 12, 2018, 07:12 PM
here have the worst post ever
The last thing he'd expected to hear past the ringing in his ears (which had yet to abate in the slightest) was a call from— Dawn. Oh. Oh no. He picked himself up slowly, unwilling to go through the hassle of nearly falling on his ass from moving too quickly; he did that often, lately. The trek to the borders was slower still, and honestly he looked a wreck. The wound on his head would take some time to heal— to stop looking nasty, even— and he had a haggard look about him.
But he was cleaner, more well-kept than usual, and some weight had returned to him already. An odd mash-up of changes, to be sure, but it escaped his own notice. Many things did. He hardly registered the walk through the territory, or anything, really, until he saw her— and that became his focus in an instant.
He had not forgotten their last meeting. Her words floated occasionally through the few hollow spaces left in his mind, somehow reaching over the constant ringing. Each time cut as deeply as the first. His perception suddenly shifted and he lurched very slightly, tensing as he struggled for a beat not to lose his footing. A sharp sigh escaped him, and he realized he could not let this go unaddressed.
But he was cleaner, more well-kept than usual, and some weight had returned to him already. An odd mash-up of changes, to be sure, but it escaped his own notice. Many things did. He hardly registered the walk through the territory, or anything, really, until he saw her— and that became his focus in an instant.
Dawn,His eyes were distant, glazed-over as he approached; truthfully, this was his new normal, at least for now.
He had not forgotten their last meeting. Her words floated occasionally through the few hollow spaces left in his mind, somehow reaching over the constant ringing. Each time cut as deeply as the first. His perception suddenly shifted and he lurched very slightly, tensing as he struggled for a beat not to lose his footing. A sharp sigh escaped him, and he realized he could not let this go unaddressed.
Sorry, I'm not really at my best right now. What do you need?There was no unfriendliness to his tone, but it was strained slightly; he was in pain, it was too bright out here, his head was spinning, and he did not want to do this. Not right now. Again he nearly lost his balance, and decided this time to just sit down and save himself from further embarrassment.
karma was a bitch!she knew little of karma, nor did any part of her react with glee when the feminine leader (perhaps that detail was picked out now as her mind struggled to comprehend exactly what Aditya had done) stumbled into view, but she could not deny the small, raging part of her self that felt a glimmer of satisfaction. it made the words building beneath her tongue easier, somehow, to know that he felt pain in the way he did. surely it was wrong, but such feeling paled in comparison to the pain of the past fortnight.
he wobbled, and she held in her words until he sat, saving her from having to act in the chance that he toppled. "I need to apologize." the words were firm, and they came easily. she'd not known this to be easy until her pride had been winded and knocked down, beaten out of her by guilt. "I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you, wound you, and I did. I acted like a child - I didn't care, in that moment, about our roles or our packs." he deserved it, some part of her whispered still, and she knew it would take more than an apology said allowed to silence that (somewhat large) part of herself.
Had he known her thoughts, he might have turned tail and left her then. The same sentiment had run itself through his mind over and over; he deserved this, he knew he deserved it, and so did everyone else. He had deserved worse. He had deserved to die.
He wished he had.
Yet he could not bring his own apology forth. He fell silent again, until finally a thought bubbled from him.
He wished he had.
You don't have to apologize,He said after a stretch of silence, tired and defeated and unable to look at her now.
I deserved it.Something urged him to say more, to explain, to give her some reason to hate him a little less. But he deserved to be hated. And at this point, he didn't have the energy to fight it. Some part of him almost craved her ire rather than this apology— it was far easier.
Yet he could not bring his own apology forth. He fell silent again, until finally a thought bubbled from him.
You don't need to worry about pack relations. My own feelings will always be separate.
July 12, 2018, 08:01 PM
of course he'd say he deserved it, the things he'd said had been dripping with poison. but something about his voice, something about her own morbid curiosity, had her press. "why, Alarian?" the question was vague, but the words were pointed even through their softness. "why did you let him?" she knew her mate would not force himself upon anyone, the thought itself was nauseating. she knew, now, how it felt to be on the receiving end of such advances, how it felt to give in.
his quiet words were received only with a nod of understanding; it was what she wanted to hear. but as her mind moved down a new avenue of thought, as she probed where she'd not dared before, she wondered if their reasons would be similar.
July 12, 2018, 08:20 PM
Why did you let him? He flinched from the words he'd asked himself so many times, face burning hot and throat aching and thickening. Why had he let him?
He swallowed hard, agitation rising within him as he recalled it.
He laughed a little bitterly.
He was upset,He began, voice small, and continued almost as if reasoning with himself rather than answering Dawn.
No, beyond upset— and I couldn't say no. He's beautiful and charming, and I'm lonely, and— I couldn't hurt him more— not when he was already—
He swallowed hard, agitation rising within him as he recalled it.
It happened too quickly— and I didn't even want him before that, and he didn't want me— I was just there, and he needed... that. Nothing more.
He laughed a little bitterly.
I think he forgot who I was, for a few minutes. It didn't matter to me then; it felt a little bit like being wanted, so it was enough.
July 12, 2018, 08:54 PM
he bared his explanation, stripped away the hate and poison he'd spat last and simply told her. their reasons were not the same; that tiny hope at someone understanding, someone acting for the same reasons she had, blinked out. "oh." an exhalation of breath, so small and quiet next to what he'd told her. Alarian cared for him; then, it was no emotionless act.
her own words followed, careful and featherlight, as if fearing she was saying too much. she probably was, but she could not stop the words once they wormed their way up her throat. "I did it because I wanted to feel something other than grief and guilt. wanted to feel something new, wanted to give in and not think. he didn't mean anything. it wasn't supposed to." she lapsed into silence, hoping for some sign she wasn't a sinner, all the while drawing her own conclusions from what he'd told her.
July 12, 2018, 09:15 PM
He hadn't asked, but suddenly she was explaining her own mistake, and in a way he understood. No— more than one way. He hated that he could relate to her, even if it could not be applied to the situation with Aditya (perhaps the reason it struck so hard, he thought). No, it was reflected in the other lovers he had taken as of late; Samothes, Outlander, the nameless male.
For several beats he was quiet.
He shrugged, then.
For several beats he was quiet.
It was— different with Aditya, but I've done the same. No— I do the same, frequently— it's funny, neither of you know he was... what, number three that week? Of four.He huffed out another bitter laugh.
It never helps, honestly,It could have been condescending, but his tone suggested otherwise; there was a deep melancholy to it. And the next words lacked judgment, though he felt it stir somewhere in his chest anyway.
I've never cheated on anyone— but I've ruined things, I've hurt others. It's not worth it— even when there's nothing else left to lose, it doesn't help.
He shrugged, then.
But I haven't stopped, and I doubt I will; if I were you, I'd tell me to shove it.And there it was— his real advice to her. He glanced up at her expectantly, expression a little wry. Well, go on then, tell me to shove it.
July 12, 2018, 10:18 PM
she blinked slightly when he revealed that Aditya had been one of many in the week alone, this fact she did not know entirely how to process. the next statement was obvious; it might have been patronizing, but the melancholy around it suggested it was very much not. wry grin split her features for a moment, sad and fleeting.
his last words had her still, a moment, when she realized how frightfully little she had left. gaze didn't leave his own, even when he offered his final piece of advice and her expression crinkled. "no," she began, words lacking firmness, building upon budding thoughts growing haphazardously. "I'm tired of doubt. you'll stop - you won't have to count anymore. and I'll stop hurting people, letting my pride get in the way. we're somewhere near the bottom, Alarian, but there's something freeing about that." sure, things could feasibly get worse, but there was so much more above than below. her head cocked, something hawkish returning to her gaze as she watched him, willing him to understand.
Oh, he liked her— or he might have, were things different. He took some solace in her words, in the attempted conviction she held, even with the knowledge that she knew not even a fraction of his troubles. Perhaps she could guess some, as he knew she had her own burdens, but no expression or behavior or gesture he might show could truly tell what sorrows he carried with him. Alarian often thought of his entire existence as rather unfortunate. There... weren't really any better words.
Nonetheless, her attempt at confidence was almost infectious. He nodded slowly, and was silent for a time, contemplating what she'd said. The words that had escaped him earlier found him now.
He only dared to say it because of the ridiculousness of the notion, and his tone implied as much. Still:
He shook his head slightly.
Nonetheless, her attempt at confidence was almost infectious. He nodded slowly, and was silent for a time, contemplating what she'd said. The words that had escaped him earlier found him now.
I am sorry— for what I did, and for the things I said. I wasn't before, honestly, but I was upset. It... hurt to realize Aditya cared so little that he'd tell you who... knowing the possible consequences. I shouldn't have taken it out on you,He swallowed hard, and with a very anxious grin tacked on possibly the worst joke ever:
Honestly, I'm starting to wish I'd been your rebound fuck, instead.
He only dared to say it because of the ridiculousness of the notion, and his tone implied as much. Still:
I'm kidding— and gay, in case you couldn't uh, tell.It felt weird to leave it there, with no explanation.
It's just— one moment he was crying, the next he was— you know— and then he just... ran off. And then he apologized, and acted like he cared— but then he told you.
He shook his head slightly.
I don't want him, at this point— I didn't before, either. I just... thought I did for a little bit, because I guess I thought he wanted me. Or cared, or something dumb like that. He doesn't. I— I pushed someone away who maybe does care, the day after we— this is a mess, Dawn, and I had enough mess already. I'm sorry I made things worse. I just want to put this behind us and— ideally, never see Aditya again.
July 14, 2018, 05:16 PM
his apology was sincere, quiet and bare. she accepted with a dip of her head, reply cut off by a flash of his anxious smile and a joky that may have offended her, once - but it hardly mattered anymore. she blinked, once, before a wild grin cracked the solemnity of her features, lasting a quick moment before he lapsed back into seriousness.
there was a moment of blankness when the male claimed to be gay, the word not in her vocabulary, but it's meaning guessed at fairly easily. of course, the specifics, the hows and questions, had no place now. for a brief moment, she almost defended him - he didn't mean to hurt you, only me - but she could only stretch so far, and bridging the gap between alarian and herself was far enough.
"you were right, though - I started this mess." at least, this specific mess. other messes hadn't been entirely her fault, or out of her control entirely. "I forgive you - I understand now, I think." quiet, solemn, the lightness of forgiveness still fresh. she wasn't sure when it had happened during their conversation, exactly - "your sorry state may have helped." a grin crinkled her gaze, fleeting.
at his last words, she dipped her muzzle again, mirth fading. "ideally, so would I." not true. through the hurt and the pain, she still loved him, wanted him, and she doubted that would ever fade completely. "if your offer of alliance still stands; I'd like to accept."
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