Tuktu Hinterlands Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake

I'm jumping the gun but i have too much inspirationnnnnnn.  if I need to adjust things I can, but this is hella vague anyway. Tags are for ref or whatever <3 @Niamh

He went south.  As he had passed the plateau he was almost tempted to stop, let Qui and Frog know where he was heading, or at least that he wasn't coming back.  But they'd figure it out, and they'd do with it what they would.  Fin had her family and he supposed @Quixote did too.  And if he ever was in the area and needed anything, well, Colt would be there.  He just couldn't be here.

He made it as far as the river before he broke down, collapsing in a heap near the tree where he'd initially planned on proposing the first time.  Exhaustion and lack of food played a part, but so did the emotions of the past few days that finally had gotten the chance to catch up.  Now that he'd finally stopped, they overwhelmed him, and he lay slumped and shivering for a good long while, his sides heaving.

It had taken a long time for him to admit to himself, and to her, that he'd loved her, but the facts were that he did.  And even now that he knew he was leaving, he felt himself torn, and he knew from experience that this wasn't going to get better.  It didn't matter how angry he might be at her, he'd loved her despite how fucking young she turned out to be and in the end he'd let her take about everything he had.  But, just like before, he couldn't bring himself to regret it.  The situations didn't compare but the emotions did and at the end of the day, you took what life gave you.  Even if it only gave it for a little while.

He planned to head home, back to what family he had left in the old Blackthorn claim.  It was becoming pretty clear to him that he wasn't much destined for the normal family experience, but he could at least lend a hand to whatever nieces or nephews he may have there, provided his luck held out through winter long enough to make the trek.  He'd made his own share of mistakes, a string of broken hearts and even potential kids that he'd never thought to acknowledge.  Universe probably found this funny, honestly.  He would have if it didn't hurt so damn much.

First he would stay the night here, partially because he couldn't find the energy to get up quite yet and partially because he needed some time.  He wasn't sure why, but this place where it had all somewhat began seemed the place to do it.  Eventually he would drift off to sleep where he had fallen.  The wind had a bite to it but finding shelter would take effort that he didn't have the resources to give right now.

Niamh's sleep disorder continued to plague her, so she decided she needed to get out for a bit. Part of her dreaded visiting the place that Colt had taken her- but part of her, that part that had sent her charging off after him after she'd exiled him- forced her to at least try and find him there. She doubted very much that she'd find him at all, and in the off chance that she did, she had no idea what she would do. She felt more free to travel, now that she wasn't a leader...She still performed patrols, knowing she couldn't allow wolves to join the pack but at least she could protect them and meet potential joiners before calling for Towhee or Quixote. But for a small amount of time, she was going to travel to that particular place, to stop and see if he was there- if she even deserved to go to that place. 

She couldn't believe her eyes when in the fading light of day she saw him. He was laying on the ground and at first, her heart leapt into her throat and she surged forward a few steps, thinking that he was hurt, sick or dead. She halted, though, and suddenly felt unwelcome as soon as she saw his sides moving slowly, and the cold air revealed the soft puffs of mist as he exhaled. She lowered her head, and pondered simply walking away, hoping he didn't realize she was there, so she turned as quietly as she could- but the crunch of her snow was almost too loud to bear, so she froze. Awkwardly, she hoped perhaps he'd just sleep, and not wake to see her.

Unfortunately for Niamh, Colt had been traveling alone for a good stretch of years, and alone he'd learned to sleep with both ears open. Even exhausted he heard her approach, and he tensed as his eyes came around to see who it was and if they were a threat.

Instead it was Niamh.  He hadn't trained that little leap when he saw her out yet, but his expression didn't change much aside from surprise.  What was she doing here?  

I found Ceara, he said first, his tone neutral. And I didn't kill the girl.  So don't worry.  I'm not planning on sticking around.  It was uncharitable, immediately striking out like that, but he wasn't in the mood for polite.  He had no clue what Niamh he was going to get here, the one who he'd fallen for or the one who had exiled him without a second thought.

As proud as Niamh was, she wilted when Colt looked up at her. She wanted nothing more than to slide in beside him and press herself against him as she had for months now. But the way he looked at her kept her rooted to her position and made her feel even worse. While she thought that finding him might help her feel better, it seemed to do the opposite. Though she was glad to have at least found him alive- nothing hurt worse than seeing the look in his eyes that told her that he didn't want her anymore. And why should he? She'd exiled him without a second thought, and though she thought she might be able to bargain, with the fact that she'd regretted it immediately- it didn't change the fact that she'd kicked him out without thinking. There were consequences for stupid actions- and she was feeling them now. 

She looked at him, surprised, when he mentioned Ceara. She'd had no clue that he'd wanted to use Maegi to find her. He hadn't said as much, and Maegi had never mentioned that she'd take them to find her, either. It hadn't occurred to Niamh that the Blackfeather wolf would actually take them to find their missing packmate. So when he mentioned Ceara, and Maegi, and the fact that he wouldn't be coming back, her lips trembled and she felt her knees weaken suddenly, but she tried to keep herself standing. She couldn't think of anything to say, and had to hold her breath to keep everything from simply pouring out of her in an incoherent fashion. She stared at the ground, hard, to try and keep herself together, but was failing with each passing second.

She didn't say anything.  She just stood there, staring down, and suddenly Colt wasn't just upset.  He was angry.  What she'd done wasn't something he could imagine doing to anyone he loved, and the obvious conclusion he'd come to on the road was that she hadn't felt the same way he had, despite claiming to.  But now she had come here, to this place he'd shared out of trust, and she had nothing to say to him.

You all just left her there.  And you and Towhee hated them so much, you were willing to kill a girl on sight rather than see that maybe, just maybe, there was a way to get my fucking sister back.  But hey, she isn't a Redhawk, so why would we need to worry about that. His tone shifted, and his anger was clear despite the edge of sarcasm that seemed to always rise to the forefront when things got emotional.  How the fuck could you ever think I would choose one of them over my own family?  He'd stood up over the course of this, but hadn't moved closer, and his eyes drilled into her, trying to read anything about her response to this.

He needed to know how he'd misjudged her so badly.  Because clearly, she hadn't known him at all, and now he wondered if he'd made the same mistake.

Niamh's heart raced as Colt began to speak again, this time with ire tinting his voice in such a way that she felt herself caught between getting wound up in his emotion, and fearing it at the same time. She wasn't looking at him as he spoke, but she could hear the way he was talking down to her...And all she could think of was the way Quixote had spoken to her. Of course, Quixote had been calm and considerate, and here was Colt, being angry and spiteful- but she perceived them as being similar because she couldn't see past her own emotions as they swirled and raged inside of her. Colt was trying to make her feel bad, the same way Quixote had made her feel bad. He was treating her like she was a child, and she was tired of it. 

She shook as she fought to convince herself that she would be alright. She feared that Colt might actually physically lash out at her- but at the same point, she wanted to smack him upside the head or shake him silly, just so that he might back down. She shook her head. Yet again, she chose to let his words fly over her head, and missed the point, more or less. She was too quick to react, and not considerate enough to listen and suss out what it was that was really bothering Colt. 

"I thought she was lying." She growled. She recalled the brief moment that Quixote had agreed with her- that the Blackfeather wolf had to have been lying about her motives. "She was lying about Screech. So how was I supposed to figure she'd lead you to Ceara when she helped kidnap her? Who the fuck does that?" She demanded. Colt had stood up, and she had regained a bit of her composure, but still looked as though she was torn between fight and flight.

If Colt had known that Niamh worried about him lashing out, he likely would have laughed, and it would have made the situation a hell of a lot worse.  But it didn't even occur to him that she might think that.  She did finally speak, but it was just more of the same bullshit, and Colt wasn't in the mindset to be listening to it either.

I don't care what you think of them.  I care what you thought of me. He replied, feeling the truth of it.  Here was the heart of the issue.  You didn't even stop to think before you kicked me out.  What was I supposed to do? Watch as Towhee killed the only chance I had to find her?  He knew she'd back Towhee in everything, and much as he wasn't fond of that, he'd accepted it.  But to have her so clearly assume the worst of him, just like Towhee and others had done in the past, was a knife he hadn't been ready for.  And it was one he wasn't sure she could fix, even if she wasn't too blind to see she'd done it in the first place.

Of course, Colt would bring up the fact that she had chosen, effectively, to prioritize Towhee over Colt...She shook her head in frustration, brow furrowed. If she'd only had the maturity to apologize, she might have been able to fix things, but Niamh was a wolf who relied on excuses and justification rather than appeasing others. She wanted nothing more than to make him see that she had been right...Because she hated being in the wrong. She tried to think of some excuse to make, but just ended up getting more frustrated- and pinned it on him, rather than on herself. 

"How the fuck was I supposed to read your mind and know that that's what you wanted to do with her?" She asked, though she should have known him well enough to have had that thought. "I thought she had some other stupid plan, 'cause she was lying, so I was FINE with Towhee killing her." She said, before she moved onto the real issue at hand. "And I was angry- and I just...Can't deal with what...I couldn't deal with the thought of Towhee waking up like the way Screech did when he was knocked out. And if she did, and you were the one that did it...And you stepped in to protect a Blackfeather wolf, and that's just wrong," She blurted, stumbling over her own thought process. "If she'd ended up like Screech I never woulda forgiven you."

This was the problem.  To Colt, a relationship was a partnership, and when you loved someone, you gave them the benefit of the doubt, always.  He'd have expected Niamh to back him because she should know he would never do anything intentionally to hurt neither those she cared about or her.  But it had taken him literal years to learn this, and where he'd grown past it, he was only just now realizing that she hadn't.  She hadn't had the chance yet.

You're supposed to trust me. He said, and this was quieter than the rest had been.  On seeing her he'd thought maybe... but there never really was a chance was there?  Her comment on Towhee made sense, but that had been an accident.  If she couldn't see that then there was nothing else he could say here.

I hope she's alright.  But I don't regret what I did.  And I'm not going to act like it was the wrong thing to do.  I'm sorry.  He was.  He was glad she had come here, and they weren't leaving it with angry words at the border.  But that didn't change what likely was happening here.  He was too old to let this be his life.

"And you're supposed to trust me," She shot back at him, impunitive as always. She simmered for a while, staring at him when he mentioned Towhee, and wasn't exactly sure what to do with his apology. He wasn't really apologizing- he was basically saying sorry not sorry, and that didn't appeal to Niamh. Actually, it did- and she wanted to do the same thing to him...She'd have to remember that sort of way to apologize later so she could use it in some other situation where she felt spiteful. 

"Sure. It worked out this time. You found Ceara. Towhee will be OK." She said. "But you might've been making the wrong choice...How was I supposed to know things'd work out? I thought she was going to kidnap you too," She growled. "I went and looked for you. Nearly got my own ass booted." She admitted bitterly. "Quixote thinks I'm a lunatic now, 'cause I kicked you out then went looking for you." She seethed.

What?  Before or after you told me to not bother coming back? He asked, incredulous.  Since when had any of his actions shown he didn't trust her?  Because he wasn't willing to kill someone just because she told him to? Well if that was the type of trust she wanted, it wasn't the type he was willing to give.

That was a chance I was willing to take.  Because if there's even a chance when anyone in my family is in trouble, nothing would stop me from taking it. He said, still stock still, but no longer angry.  His anger had burned out with the realization that he had so fundamentally misunderstood her.  She expected him to feel sorry that Quixote disagreed with her booting him? To sympathize that her decisions nearly got her turned out? When she'd essentially kicked him for looking to bring his sister home?

Not a chance, and it seemed she wasn't budging either.  Well, a reminder to himself, he thought wryly.  If he survived the winter, maybe a quick trip to thank Quixote come spring.  Dude was a good friend.

But he wasn't about to argue circles with Niamh right now.  Maybe one day you'll figure out how to love someone, and when you do, I truly hope you find a way to be happy. But I did my learning already, and I don't think I can do this again.  

The words were tired, and they sent a spike down to his core even as he said them.  He couldn't go back there, not now, and he couldn't see any way for him and Niamh to resolve this.

"When you chose to stop Towhee from attacking the Blackfeather wolf, and go after Ceara." She said. In her opinion, if he'd trusted her judgement then he might have allowed Towhee to attack Maegi. It was all in the past now, though, and she still had no idea that her point of view was both confusing and wrong. She simply wanted to make excuses even if they didn't make any sense. But when he spoke again, his words stung her in a way that made her recoil like a snake away from a flame. 

She assumed he'd said what he'd said because he wanted to hurt her- and his words implied that he was criticizing her for not searching for Ambrose. She bared her teeth, offended that he would choose to say something so cruel to her, even though it made her a hypocrite. "Are you judging me?" She said, smoldering. "I was expressly forbidden from searching for Ambrose," She informed him. "By Quixote. He would've booted me had I gone looking for him. And I couldn't leave you, either," She said, hoping that in turn, her words would inflict the same pain he'd tossed her way. She had chosen instead to stay and not search for her brother- but Colt had done the opposite. Then again, she'd literally told him to leave, but she'd more or less forgotten that point. 

Her conviction flagged, though, as soon as he mentioned their relationship. Her voice became low, speckled with the sound of desperation. "I loved you," She said. "I still do. I made the wrong decision, Colt- and I regretted it immediately." She said, but there was spite in her voice. "But you made the wrong choice too."

Back to that.  Because he'd gone against her friend, because he'd had the audacity to seek the safety of a packmate; a sister no less.

He hadn't realized his words would echo with her on the Ambrose situation, but she took it that way, and he wasn't going to correct her.  Because yes.  He didn't understand that either.  You let him tell you no.  And you know what? If you had asked me? I would have gone, in a heartbeat, Quixote be damned.  Because I know where my priorities are.  That was an intentional dig.  Her propensity to back Towhee over him, come hell or high water, was another big part of this terrible mess. He didn't need her on his side unconditionally, but he needed her to at least consider it.  Something she didn't seem capable of.

You'll never convince me that protecting what I love is the wrong decision.  That going after a packmate in trouble is the wrong decision.  He was genuinely distressed, but his voice was firm, and there was a finality in his gaze as he looked at her.  I loved you too.  But I meant it.  I can't do this.  When things were good, they were so good.  But if this was going to be when it was bad? Her lashing out without even attempting to work things through, her refusing to compromise in even the most basic of ways... he deserved better and he wasn't settling for it.

Colt's words stung her in such a way that she felt like a child being disciplined- and finally, with all emotions having been bottled up for too long, she lost it. She didn't cry delicately, as a lady might; instead, her sides heaved and her breath hissed through her teeth. She was hurt, but she was also mad, so she turned swiftly when he spoke words which she knew he intended to hurt her with. She shook her head when he said that he loved her, and regarded him with angry, tear-filled eyes. "You never loved me," She growled dramatically. The fact was completely unrealistic, and she was likely just digging herself a deeper hole. "I was just an easy 'last chance' for you. Well forget it. That chance is up." She said pointedly, hoping that she could possibly inflict some of the pain he'd just flung her way.

She lifted her head and regarded him with an angry stare, considering her options for a moment. Spitefully, though, she couldn't help herself- and though she knew she'd regret it later, she couldn't help but try and get one last dig in. "I've already met someone else." She said. "So you can just...Go fuck yourself." Weak delivery, but her message was clear, even though it would hurt her more later on than she had anticipated.

She was kidding. She had to be kidding.  He'd never been surer of any decision in his life than when she said those two statements, one bomb after another.  The first was a slow burn, but the second, a detonation in his very core.  Colt was a good many things, but loyalty to those he loved was the first.  The only.

Then what the fuck are you doing here. He asked, eyes burning.  She didn't get to come here, get to speak to him like he'd done something wrong, and then reveal that she'd fucking replaced him anyway.  He'd loved her, yes, the Niamh he'd met that day by the river.  This Niamh he didn't even recognize.  Go find him.  I hope he's able to serve you better than I was.  Because apparently I was kidding myself thinking this was a relationship.  And that you were worthy of my name.  Pure distaste laced every word of that last sentence, and without another word, Colt began to walk away, in the direction opposite the plateau.  He wouldn't stop, wouldn't turn.  She could keep all of it.  He didn't want it anymore.

The words pierced her heart with regret the moment they'd come from her lips- and the moment she realized that she had, in fact, hurt him. But she could see the wall build up, a wall she would never be able to tear down again as he spoke, and then began to wander away. They'd fought before- but it hadn't been anything like this- and she still felt angry, as though she hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of the pent up anger she was harbouring. But there was nothing left for her to say or do- simply fume and hate herself and pity herse flal at the same time. She forced herself to watch him go, and cast a dark look up toward the tree, where his ex-mate Nell was buried. She softly shook her head, as her gaze fell toward the ground. She could almost feel the earth recoil beneath her feet. 

"I'm sorry," She murmured whispily, and turned back toward her pack.