Neverwinter Forest I hear they're calling my name

i have lots of muse for these two, so i felt like getting something up now <3

She stirred beneath the trunk of the tree she chose for the night, trying with much difficulty to sleep. Even just a few hours would suffice, but her mind was too busy. Matty was on her mind a lot lately but tonight, he wasn't the only thing going through her head; she had also been considering making a trip home to see her mom and brothers. It was kind of far, and would mean a trip on her own too far away to call for help if she might need it. It made her nervous, sure, but she could handle that. What really had her mind racing was seeing her family again and facing the consequences of her decision to leave without telling anyone. It was a big decision, one she was no where near figuring out. She rolled over and released a heavy sigh, finally pulling herself up into a sitting position and abandoning the hope that she might be able to sleep. 

After wandering for a few minutes, she began to head towards Mal's den. She wondered if he was awake. Maybe spending time with him would put her mind at ease. When she arrived, she paused a few steps from the entrance. @Mal? she called out quietly enough that if he was asleep, it hopefully wouldn't wake him. Then she waited to see if she heard stirring inside.

With the coming of spring and the return of life, the thicket that Mal considered his own personal den of sorts had bulked up a bit. It might not be as sheltered as a hole in the ground, but he liked it. It worked for him. At least right now he was just lounging, trying to wake up a little so he could get started on the whole going and hunting stuff thing and he kind of didn't want to -- there was always work to do, for better or worse. It kept him occupied, kept him from thinking and remembering when he had to instead focus on patrolling or hunting. He rolled around like the lazy punk he was, delaying, but then he heard Simmik.

Upside down, his ears pricked into the dirt for a moment before he flipped back over and to his feet. Oh hey! He trotted over so he wasn't talking through the bushes like some weirdo, shaking out his fur as he went along, What's up? He still was concerned about her, gee, which maybe made him a little over-eager to be at her beck and call depending on one's perspective.

Thankfully, he was awake, because she wasn't really looking forward to the prospect of wandering around, alone with her thoughts. He emerged from his den and trotted over. She shrugged some at his question. Just couldn't sleep, she offered, a small smile lifting one corner of her mouth. She wasn't super interested in getting into all the reasons why she couldn't sleep, so she quickly asked: What about you? Couldn't sleep either? She wondered what all he had on his mind. He had been so concerned with how she was, and she wondered if anyone had been concerned with how he was. But she wasn't sure he'd be up for talking either; it seemed like they both liked to avoid the things that bothered them, which she realized probably wasn't the best, but it was a hard habit to break. Still, she asked: How are things with you and Cupid? It wasn't about Matty, so maybe he wanted to talk about it. Or needed to maybe? Either way, she was glad to be the listener and it would give her something else to think about.

A slight shake of his head, I'm awake so that means I should probably do something. Nothing sounds good right now. It was just duties, and they'd get done eventually. It was just a good deal less fun right now. He'd retreated from everyone a bit since what had happened, and though he was around he wasn't as close to well... Anyone. Not yet. And Aibreann had gone off to fix up her chosen den or whatever, so that had cut down his contact there too. He still felt Matty's death probably had effected Simmik more, so he'd continue to make sure that he'd do what he could. If you just want to hang out, you can come in and claim a patch of ground, plenty of room, he offered. Because standing around was kinda awkward. But hey, part of being above ground meant there was room. If she accepted he'd back up and flop down to one side of the smallish clearing -- if not, then uh... Keep standing I guess?

The noise he made was sort of between a sigh and a strained laugh -- positive, no? I don't know. We still haven't talked really. I mean, he's just keeping a close eye over Caerus now.. And with him talking too, it's like.. Harder, I guess. He shrugged, Not that I'd know what to say anyway, or what I'd want. So hey, guess it's limbo forever. The entire thing was said wryly. Another of his failures, another thing he didn't know how to fix. On the one hand at least Cupid was alive but Mal was just kind of useless at everything, apparently. He could bring food and play with his son, and that was all Mal figured out. I think I'm not actually very good at people. A sort of grin at his own misery at that. He'd see if she had anything to say about that before eventually getting around to asking how she was doing.

Yeah, I know what you mean, she said, looking down and away. Nothing had really sounded good to her either, except coming here to bug Mal. When he offered for her to come in, she lifted her gaze, a small smile forming on her face. Oh, okay, she said, taking a few steps closer. I'd like that. She made her way inside and settled near Mal, already feeling a little better just being here and not alone trying to sleep when she knew she wouldn't be able to. 

She listened as he updated her on the Cupid situation. Her mouth twisted a little with concern as he continued, stating he didn't think he did well with others. She shifted closer, offering support and comfort with her proximity. Well, maybe he just needs some more time? she suggested. It sounds like it's tough for everyone involved. She wished she could do more to help. And I'm not sure I'm the best judge of being good at people, she started, the corners of her mouth lifting up a bit in another small smile. I'm not that great at it either. Most of the time, she was too busy wondering if she could trust others to try and be warm or charming or anything else that might draw others to her. But, you help me...a lot, she added a little awkwardly. So you can't be too bad at it. Really, it was the truth. She trusted him more than anyone, which meant he had given her plenty of reasons to believe that she could.

She came in to join him, which was nice. It felt more like the proper way to have a conversation with a friend or someone else like that -- the awkward standing around seems more like something that would happen with a stranger or someone you just met. It felt right.

But just because that seemed right, it didn't instantly clarify things elsewhere. He lowered his head to his paws for a moment, sort-of-nodding as she spoke. She brought up good points.

Don't go selling yourself short either, I think you're probably better at it than you think. A slight smile there. Let's be real, she was good enough find and recognize that someone had liked her -- and if bad things hadn't happened, how would it have looked in a month? Mal, on the other hand, felt like the only relationship he hadn't messed up was with Aibreann, but that was kind of a weird situation to start. Hell, even Hua hadn't come back to say what was up with her -- and she hadn't told Ying to tell Aiolos to send a message either, so he assumed that was nothing. But unwilling to bring up Matty or anyone else, so left things there. I'm just afraid at some point it'll get too late if I keep waiting. I just can't figure him out. Maybe everything was just painted in a negative light right now. I keep wondering if somehow I'm doing things the wrong way somehow. But what would the right way be then? What would you do? He looked over again directly.

Simmik shrugged. She wasn't so sure. Maybe. But my default is to avoid most people, which I'm sure isn't normal. She made an effort with her packmates sometimes, but she usually found being alone to be the easiest. She hated all the expectations that went with social interactions. She never really felt that way around Mal, even in the beginning, but pretty much everyone else was a drain on her energy. And once she and Matty had gotten past the awkward beginning, things hadn't felt that way with him either. Her chest tightened at the thought of him, and she quickly pushed it away. Mal was speaking again, anyway, so it was easy to redirect her focus to him. 

She kind of wanted to kick Cupid's ass by the time Mal was done. She could tell this was really bothering him, and with how things seemed to go for him, he was, of course, blaming himself. But Cupid was the one who had taken off in the first place, and now he was here, and they had a kid together, so she felt like he should maybe give Mal a break. At least he was trying. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, Simmik assured him. You gave him space and you're involved with Caerus. She thought that was all anyone could really do in that situation. It was hard for her to really say what she would do because she didn't really know Cupid that well. I guess I would just be honest with him about how I feel, she offered. She felt like being honest was the best way to deal with most things. Things can't keep going the way they are now; it's not really fair to anyone, she finished with a small shrug. You shouldn't blame yourself, though.

Mal didn't agree with a good chunk of what Simmik said. He still thought she was doing fine. He was sure he was doing the wrong thing somehow: it had felt wrong to him, so something must be wrong and since he felt like the odd one out, it was probably his doing. The only thing I've figured out is that stuff isn't right as it is. I agree with that. Okay, so he wasn't sure of what to think of Miriam either, but at least she didn't scowl at him the way Cupid did. She just didn't say anything much at all -- he could survive with that because it didn't translate that she hated him or anything. It was just weird.

He wasn't good at feelings. Mal tried but he was awful at expressing himself in a coherent way -- but maybe that's because he wasn't entirely coherent the last time he tried. Last time I tried to tell him that much but he didn't understand what I was meaning. Think that 'You're terrifying because you could take my kid away so I end up acting like an idiot' would go over any better? Sort of an uneasy laugh with that, but he wasn't entirely joking. Even if she said it wasn't his fault, he was sure some of it was. Did Cupid even know how Mal normally acted or did he just think he was some freak?

Yeah, definitely, Simmik agreed. I think trying to talk to him again and clear things up would be good for all three of you. She didn't have much more advice on what exactly he should say. At least not anything different than she had already offered. Honestly was what she always fell back on. 


Simmik stared at him, her expression twisting with concern. It would be awful to walk around thinking one wrong move would make someone take away your kid; she didn't need to be a parent to know that. Her anger grew, but she kept it to herself; she knew it wouldn't help anything right now. You really think he would leave and take Caerus? she asked quietly.

He nodded slightly. He didn't want it to continue like this forever. I'm gonna have to figure out what to say. Talk about a project... Mal had kept putting things off this long, you'd think he'd have something in mind right now. But nope. Blank slate.

He didn't have more to say on that, so there was a brief pause before Simmik spoke up again. Mal looked over, and with his reply he didn't seem super certain but maybe a little, I don't think so... But I don't really know why he left here the first time and just... His muzzle crinkled, It's probably that. I can't just forget it. It was a very bad memory, and one where he was fairly sure where he was doing all the right things and just hadn't been believed. Or something. But it had definitely made him wary of Cupid and provided a scenario he didn't want to reenact.

A sigh, and he shook his head, Am I talking about my own stupid issues too much?

I don't think anyone could forget something like that very easily, she offered. Not any normal wolf anyway. I don't think it's a bad idea for you to maybe tell him you feel that way, though. It seems exhausting and unfair for you to just go on feeling like that might happen, Simmik continued. Nothing Cupid said could be worse than thinking that, right? And he came back for a reason, so I kind of feel like he'd be somewhat willing to talk about it. I don't really know him or anything, but I that has to mean something good. He at least felt safe enough here to return when he was in trouble, so Mal had done more right than he thought. 

Simmik shook her head. No, not at all, she assured him. I never mind listening and trying to help you. She gave him a small smile. I just...want you to be happy, she said awkwardly. She wasn't so great at expressing her more complicated feelings. But really, she felt like he deserved that much and more. I probably don't have much good advice, but I can always try to help.

At least Simmik wasn't saying he was being unreasonable -- it was something he was afraid of. She was awkward, but so was he. He looked away for a moment, then (sort of) back. You deserve to be happy too. You can always just interrupt. I don't mind. Any time. He'd sort of looked back by the end of it. At least he was wise enough to not push about Matty. He wouldn't be surprised that it was why she'd come over here, but if she didn't want to talk, he'd just make sure the offer was there and leave it at that.

He cleared his throat, continuing, Either way, it's gotta be better advice than the way I've been handling things. It's worked out so well. Like whatever 'normal' would be for people, pretty sure I haven't done that ever, probably doesn't help. Mal tried to have a sense of humor about it, but it was truthful. Simmik probably had a better idea of what a normal life was like than he did. I just hope it turns out to be all something that can be laughed at in a few months. Let everyone be happy. Cupid had always seemed so gloomy... Maybe he'd appreciate it too.

She looked away, uncomfortable with the topic of her happiness because it was too close to the real reason she couldn't sleep. Oh, um, yeah I know, she quietly promised. He had had made sure that she knew she could come to him about whatever. That was why she was here in the first place. 

She was glad her advice gave him something to work with, although she didn't like the jab he made at himself. I think anyone would have trouble in that situation, she offered. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Really, she hated to see him do that to himself. 

The mention of everyone being happy had her looking away again, her expression turning sad. I'm afraid to be too happy, she finally admitted, keeping her gaze firmly on her paws. I'm afraid more bad things will happen. There, it was out—the thought that had been hanging out below the surface of everything and pumping negativity into all of her other thoughts.

At her telling him to not to be so hard on himself, he sort of shrugged. He could make a whole argument about it, but not right now. He felt like he'd just get told the same thing again and again. Mal had definite issues, but sometimes he buried them deeper rather than deal with them. He might appear to be confident, but was he really?

But what she said next certainly caught his attention. He shifted slightly then, just an inch or so towards her. He wanted to comfort her because he felt she deserved it, but he also didn't want to encroach too much. It was a whole weird balance thing. Just because of what's gone on recently? And before? Matty. Her father.

His ears folded back a moment. I've told you there's been times when things haven't been so great for me. And I'm pretty sure the world out there just didn't care. Or it wanted to make me suffer in the first place, not sure which. Things only got better when I said screw it, I was gonna be happy no matter what -- because of the people and what I was making. Was he going off track? He was no philosopher here. It felt like rambling. Not that I'm saying any of us should forget everything that happened. But it should get better, especially if you're trying to help it along. He bowed his head, And I'll do whatever I can for you. You deserve to be happy. We're in this together in ore ways than one. Packmates, mutual loss, not exactly positive outlooks on things. Stuff was complicated.

When he shifted closer, she did as well, closing whatever distance remained between them and tucking her head under his chin if he let her. She nodded a little against him. Yeah, she answered. She knew it was ridiculous to feel that way, but she hadn't been able to shake the thought no matter how much she tried to avoid it. Even now, she couldn't help but be afraid that something bad would happen to Mal just because he meant so much to her. 

She knew he had also had a lot of bad things happen to him, and she wished she could view things the way he did. How do I get there? she asked. It feels like I have no control over it. Simmik paused and drew in a deep breath. It's like the fear just creeps in when I least expect it. Again he offered his unwavering support, and it soothed the dark pit in her stomach a little. It meant a lot that she had him to count on. Thanks, Mal, she said quietly. I'm here for you too, no matter what.

His tongue flicked out to kiss the top of her head as he'd done before, then sort of tipped his head to keep her close. He was a wolf who loved contact, but so rarely had a chance for it. If again it helped them both, he was all for it. Time helps with some of it. You'll know you can get through. And I found having people who are there for you helps too. When I was on my own, things were awful and always seemed to get worse. People left, for reasons good and bad, and he didn't miss all of them... But some he did. It wasn't quite the same for me, but Ceilidh was the first who made me realize I could maybe be happy. But it was a long time after -- when I had you and some of the others behind me -- before I felt I deserved it.

Stuff like that doesn't just go away overnight. Understatement. Would Mal ever shrug off some of the issues that he'd developed? Probably not all of them. But just knowing that no, those bad thoughts are nonsense is a starting point. A sigh, And yeah, then sometimes there's setbacks. When Cupid left, it left me thinking that was all a lie after all. Sometimes I still wonder. And Matty -- there was the sound of another half-formed word, but it didn't actually happen. That pause as he let it fall, and when he spoke again it was somewhat strained, You tell that thought that it's wrong. That you deserve and will get happiness, and even if sometimes things might be rough, it'll be good in the end. His chin dipped down again to reinforce that point in whatever sort of weird hug that was.

She listened quietly, tucked against him as he spoke. She hated to think about him alone and sad with no one to talk about things with. She would be more of a mess than she was now if she didn't have Mal to talk about stuff with. She was glad to hear that her and the rest of the pack being here helped him feel like he deserved everything he had. Good, she said, smiling. You do deserve it. And I'm not going anywhere. It was a promise she knew she could keep. Unless there was some crazy accident, there was nothing that could make her leave. She owed Mal so much and there was no reason she could think of that would ever make her hurt him like that. 

She knew it was something she would have to work through and that it would take a while. She just wished it didn't have such an effect on her all the time. But she knew he was right: it would just take some time. When he brought up Cupid again and how he had hurt Mal so much, she couldn't stop the flare of anger in her chest. She was slowly deciding that she really didn't like the guy very much. Anyone who didn't see how hard Mal tried and how much he actually cared about everyone was blind. That was the only explanation she could come up with for how Cupid could act so shitty to Mal. Clearly, she didn't know the whole story, but she formed her opinions anyway, even if they were biased. 
The mention of Matty made her tense a little. It was the first time either of them had brought him up this time. She heard the way he struggled to speak after, and she nuzzled him to offer comfort. I'm sorry you lost him too, she whispered. It was hard for her to talk about him too, but she had to learn to do it. It sucked, but she didn't want him to be forgotten. What Mal said next made tears form in her eyes. She hated crying in front of anyone, but it didn't seem like she had much choice right now. It was like he had broken the delicate seal she had built to try and get through the days, and now the tears burst out with no hope of stopping until there were no more left. She thought she could at least hide her crying from Mal since her face was hidden, but then she sniffled and drew in a shaky breath. Sorry, she mumbled, swallowing hard against the thickness in her throat.

He smiled not that she could see, I'm always glad you're here. However if he realized the impression he was leaving regarding Cupid, he would have tried to clarify, but as it is, he didn't. Cupid just lingered there right on the edge of his consciousness a good chunk of the time -- a problem in need of a solution, important whether he wanted him to be or not. Mal would figure it out eventually. And for everyone's sake, hopefully before Simmik tried to solve things for him.

The fact she was crying dragged him slowly towards that point as well, but at least for now he was able to hold off, even if he felt it lingering in the distance. He nuzzled her ear as best he could without moving too much, letting her stay as she was. He spoke softly, It's okay. Neither of us is alone any more -- we have each other. We'll remember him, and the good times. That was the most he could offer. He didn't know how to best talk about Matty at this point, or loss in general. He could just offer his unwavering support, as always.

I'm glad I'm here, too. she offered in return. The events that lead her to leave home were not something she was grateful for and she would do anything to change that part of her life, but she was always incredibly grateful that she ended up here. Not even the shitty stuff that had happened lately could change that. 

With his words and support and closeness, the tears finally started to slow and eventually stopped. It was nice to know that she had someone to count on no matter what. Thanks, she finally murmured. That makes the bad stuff easier to deal with. She swallowed again and drew in a deep breath. She wasn't really sure how to express with words how much this all really meant to her, so she would have to find some other way to show him. 

She drew in another deep breath. You should talk to Cupid soon, she gently suggested, changing the subject. The sooner you work things out, the better. She didn't want him to be stewing over this any longer than he already had, and she needed a reason not to get involved. She knew that would only make things worse, but sometimes her temper got the best of her. She'd hate to mess things up anymore than they already were. And if Mal got hurt more in the process, she would never forgive herself.

She seemed to be calming down. That was good. Mal just wanted to make sure that she was okay. He was undoubtedly protective of her, though really so far he'd only been around for emotional support and the odd "plz don't die k" when something weird was afoot in the world at large. I'm gonna repeat myself like I always seem to. You're always free to come find me if you need company. Whatever he could do, he would.

Huh? Oh. Back to his personal issues. I will, soon. For real this time. Even if it still sounded weird and confusing when it came to actually doing so. Don't know what he'll say. But hopefully something different this time -- hopefully something good. Even if Mal was suspecting it'd be something bad, though he wasn't sure why. Probably lead back to the whole terrified of him thing. What would be the best response?  Mal didn't know. What would he want? He didn't know. A real smile might be nice, but that's as far as he thought.

She nodded against him, comforted by his words no matter how many times he offered them. Then she pulled back just enough to look up and meet his gaze. I was wondering... she paused and drew in a breath. Can I sleep here for a little while? Simmik asked hesitantly. I used to sleep in a cave near the glacier but I—I haven't been able to go back over there yet. Matty's death was still too fresh, and she was afraid that if she returned anywhere near there, she would see his body, twisted and bloody at the bottom of the cliffs. Her chest tightened painfully, and she closed her eyes tight and willed the memory away. When she opened them again, she quickly added: The forest isn't bad to sleep in, really, but it just gets kind of lonely...It would only be temporary. She looked down, unsure what he would say. He had offered company, but her being here every night might be too much. And she would understand if that was the case.

She nodded again. Good. And if you need someone to talk to after, or anytime about anything, then I'm here for you, she promised. She had already promised him that multiple times, but like him, she felt the need to repeat it. And I hope it turns out good, too. Like she had said before, she just wanted him to be happy.

When she sort of pulled away, he looked to her curiously. Whatever she was about to say had to be serious, right? Or at least so was his instant assumption. So he'd be attentive, ears swinging forward. And what she asked wasn't what he was expecting -- not that he really knew what he was expecting. Well, if Aibreann had still been staying with him, maybe it would have made things awkward but it probably wouldn't have changed his answer, Of course you can. You can stay as long as you like. It had ended up feeling kind of weird being alone here anyway. He'd very quickly gotten used to having someone to sleep next to -- but obviously the relationship between himself and Simmik was very different than his one with Aibreann. But it didn't matter, right?

He smiled a bit then, Yeah. I'll let you know what happens. Once I know what happens, of course. He'd maybe wait a day or two just to make sure he wasn't just jumping right in like a crazy idiot. He'd already proven to be foolish enough on his own. Maybe more prep would help.

Relief made her draw in a deep breath and release it slowly. Thanks, Mal she offered, lowering her head to rest on her front paws. It comforted her to know that she wouldn't have sleep alone for a bit. Eventually, things would go back to normal but until then, she was glad to have Mal. 

With things decided regarding Cupid, she felt like it was time to bring up what she had been kind of avoiding. Mostly because she wasn't really ready to deal with it herself, but she felt like she needed to let Mal know even if she hadn't completely decided herself yet. Head still resting on her paws, she drew in a long breath. I've been thinking about returning to Diaspora to let my mom and brothers know that I'm okay, she told him. I haven't decided for sure yet. It's kind of far and I'm not sure I can deal with facing all of that yet. Simmik continued. I just wanted to let you know that sometime soon, I might make a trip. Just the thought of returning to the hollow made her heart race. Would they try to make her stay? How angry would they be? There were so many possible outcomes, it made her head spin anytime she thought too long about it, which was why she hadn't yet decided for sure that she even wanted to deal with it. Avoiding it sounded way easier.

His tail waved slightly on the ground behind him. At least he could help somehow. Okay, godly powers would have been totally appreciated but unfortunately he only had so much he could do here in the real world. It's no problem, He smiled. He had thought maybe that would be it but she spoke again.

Diaspora? Had she said that before? He didn't think so, at least. Will you want someone to go with you? Or do you think it's something you need to do on your own? It gave him something to think about. He kinda actually knew Diaspora... or at least Mahler. But that was about it. He was trying to think if there was anyone else he knew, but really it was just Mahler and then there was the mom of Dragomir and Isilme and that's it. Obviously they'd left Diaspora too -- but then based on the Moonspear trip, Simmik didn't know them or recognize them and they lived in the same place? You know what, he was thinking too hard on this. He had some similar thought that Simmik did -- namely that they'd make her stay or just be really mean about her leaving, but at the same time, she wasn't a kid, so if she wanted to do it on her own, he'd let her. Though he might blame them if she was at all delayed coming home, and the first place he'd go looking. His expression probably betrayed a little of that concern, but it wasn't too overblown. Was a normal amount of worry a thing that existed?

She hadn't really thought much about the details of her trip, only that she should probably make it. She thought it sounded kind of like a good idea to have someone with her in case things went badly or she got into some kind of trouble. But she also wondered if she wanted someone there to witness how shitty this might be. She might prefer to deal with it on her own and have the trip home to figure everything out and decide how she felt about everything. She lifted her head, catching the look of concern on his face. Um, I'm not sure, she admitted.I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, but I know I need to do it. She didn't think she could just continue to live her life without confronting this and making sure her family knew they didn't need to worry about her. Would you rather I didn't go alone? She could understand his worry, and she'd hate to put unnecessary stress on him just because she often felt like she should deal with things on her own. If he insisted, she was likely to oblige. If anything, she might find herself grateful for the support because regardless of how things went down, it will still take an emotional toll.