Stone Circle One more body to bury

this is my only post!

the air was unsettled, as if charged by the sharp call to probe at fluttering ears and continue its search through the wearied lands of easthollow. foreboding taunts her progression forth as she allows a fruitless twist of an ear lest it might dislodge such a feeling of trepidation as if it were but pesky rainwater. alas it seems only to press closer as she draws to a stop a little ways away from the gathered family, frowning against the bite of the chilling air. she is stalled by the dull realisation that autumn had truly caught ahold of them, slithered in and settled snugly amongst the lands whilst they all bickered and stressed. it too meant that a whole year had passed since she'd lost the stable existence found in family-- a tightening of her jaw as toes pressed the damp earth, that yawning regret chewing at her heart as she could not help but wish oh so dreadfully that they had decided against taking that risky passage through those cruel mountains; if only if only if only.....

it is primarily what keeps the distance between her and the others at that moment, the stark reminder that despite how much she could come to care for these wolves and vice versa, she was not their family. sure easthollow ran on the idea that all who resided within its borders were all part of one big family and there was such a beauty to that but....when it truly came down to it; those who shared the same blood humming within their veins would always value each other in a way that no one else could ever compare; it made her feel....lonely. 

'clay--' 

the touch of west's voice, so deeply harrowing in its ragged torment; it sparks an intense alertness into a stare that had hidden so fervently behind foggy dwams. desperate to think and think and wonder and think rather than face what she had seen and yet refused to acknowledge the very moment she'd caught sight of the group. a body---- torn, mauled--- clay.

clay. 

legs buckle and suddenly she is sat upon the earth, eyes squeezing shut with a vehemence that sparked strange little lights to life in the gloom of shuttered eyelids as her head swims. "shit" she gasps, tail raking up fallen leaves with each lash. "shitshitshit"

it feels as if she lingers miles away from the scene, separated from the stricken family by some physical force;; she is too calm?? why is she so calm? why is she not screaming, sobbing and raging at the world?? "shit" shouldn't there be more volume to that? propelled forth by more emotion?? and yet she just feels......beaten. this is what happens after all, you live and then..you die. for no good reason at all, you can wonder and demand all you want but...there truly was nothing to it. the universe didn't give a damn about them, how cocky of them to believe the world would care enough to play games with their lives. it was just checking whatever boxes needed to be checked, snuffing out lives as it deemed fit. 

she opens her eyes again, ragged look drawn to west, wishing she could go to him but....she can't. this wasn't her place, clay wasn't her family and yet....

she wonders how much did they ever truly know him.

"oh clay..." she whispers, raising to a shaky stand as she turned away from the scene; fearing the roll of her stomach would result in literal vomiting should she have to see him again and not wishing to even know what had happened. 

all she could do now was deal with the regret, the guilt whispering its ceaseless taunts. he'd been so melancholic when she'd returned, so distressed from the plague of self disgust tailing him simply for who he chose to love. had he ever found happiness? had he felt love, realised that his family did and would always have loved him no matter what, and most importantly had he ever learned to love himself? that he wasn't flawed, cursed? she should have done more, he'd been suffering and she'd done nothing even after he'd admitted to her--

steps guided her further away until she would finally come to a stop and tilt her head back to stare up at that vast sky sneering down. "clay-- did you know? did you really know how much your family loved you, how lucky you were to have them? did you ever realise that they would have loved you no matter what, that you had nothing to fear? and did you ever stop hating yourself, ever realise that you did not deserve an ounce of that resentment you delivered to yourself? that the fact that you loved boys would never have mattered, that all that mattered was that you loved and you were so kind and so sweet even when you struggled with such anger and uncertainty? i wonder did you ever find that mysterious boy you talked about, i would like to believe that you did and that you found peace and were content if only for a little while, that you regained some of that joy and wonder you had when we first met that long time ago. 

i'm so sorry clay, that i didn't do enough to make you realise you were loved and always worth loving, i hope someone else did a better job and you found what you were looking for. i don't know what happens when you die, if you're just gone or if your energy now lingers within the earth itself but i just hope you know that i love you and your family loves you and you deserved all the happiness in the world" 

her head drops and she sits down, tail wrapping around her slender figure as she stares unseeingly at those distant peaks-- she stays sitting there for a long, long time.