Neverwinter Forest Neverland is home to lost boys like me

for @Mal
set for the evening of 7/19
going to be vague about any family stuff that comes up for now since that stuff is still in progress

She had sprinted the last few minutes, unable to contain herself once she saw the tips of the trees that she knew so well. She missed home even more than she had anticipated, and as tired as she was, she couldn't stop herself from reaching deep into her energy reserves and scooping out whatever tiny bit of steam she had left just to run the rest of the way. 

But just as excited as he was to be home, she was also nervous. She was feeling guilty about spending time with Donovan after everything that had happened, and she was dreading tell Mal about it. She had already decided that she couldn't live with keeping it from him, and her heart slammed erratically in her chest just thinking about having the conversation she knew she needed to have. 

Still, she trotted gracefully over the borders, stopping once she was fairly deep into the territory to call out for Mal. She hoped things had been peaceful while she was gone.

The day had been pretty dull, which was ok. When things were quiet, it allowed Mal to actually relax a bit, enjoy some time with the kids, try to ponder whether he'd be able to fix things with Cupid, blah blah, all that. Get an extra bit of hunting done, an extra patrol... 

All things considered, things had been pretty okay while she was gone. For once. It'd be the next trip out that would be in the pile of chaos. So right now, he was just glad to hear from her. At her call, his ears pricked up and he jogged over to greet Simmik, tail wagging the majority of the way. Once she came into view, he grinned, Hey! Welcome home. I hope you had a good trip out there. And she seemed to be in one piece, he headed right over to give her a friendly boop to the shoulder, looking forward to hearing about how her family had totally been stoked to see her (because they had to be, duh).

Mal didn't keep her waiting long, and as expected, he was happy to see her. She was happy to see him too, even if there was a spike of anxiety in her chest. She couldn't help but offer her own grin in response to his, and then she touched her nose to his shoulder in return for his affection. Um, well, parts of it were good, she said cryptically. Like the part where she found her brother at a time when she might have been fucked otherwise. Simmik took a seat. The Saints are somewhere in the mountains. No point in delaying things. She had much to tell him. I was in the hollow in the southern part of the mountains, looking for my family—that was where they were when I was with them... she continued. My family was gone, but a female from the Saints was there—Nemisis; she said she was one of the leaders and told me to stay away from Donovan. She would have attacked me if my brother hadn't shown up. It seemed like for once, luck had been on her side. Things were tense, but she eventually backed off and left. I'm pretty sure if we run into each other again, she's not going to show any restraint; she seemed kind of crazy. She paused then to allow him to digest that news and ask any questions before continuing on.

Parts of it? Oh great. I guess it was too much to hope that they'd gone off really far away. Well, he'd have to go have a conversation with Cupid. This wasn't exactly the kind of thing he wanted to just trust to a howl, so Mal would have to think up something specific to say to him. Another trouble.

It's probably just luck that we didn't cross paths with her a ton then when they were close... You weren't able to figure out exactly where though? I mean, some of the other packs that were at that meeting were in the mountains, or at least close to it. That doesn't seem like the smartest for them to have stuck around. Frown, trying to figure out that whole mess of news and the inspiration the fools behind it might have. Did that chick strike you as the troublemaker type? Like would she show up to hassle us just to make sure or something? There was that whole thing about staying away from Donovan specifically. Like that shouldn't be an issue, he'd hope. He wanted to think that Donovan showing a bit of his true colors had been enough of a reason for Simmik to ditch him.

Simmik shook her head. I don't know know for sure. I think maybe close to there because a couple of her packmates showed up towards the end. I took that to mean their new territory might not be that far from where we were. But that's just my speculation, she answered. To his next question, she nodded. Yeah, troublemaker for sure, Simmik told him. She said she would rip me apart if I didn't stay away from him. Simmik rolled her eyes as she repeated the crazy woman's words. I wouldn't put it past her to maybe show up somewhere close to just come across me and start shit. Especially since she definitely wasn't staying away from Donovan. That thought caused another spike of anxiety, followed soon after by a twist of guilt in her stomach. We should all probably be careful outside the borders. Because she was an idiot and couldn't say no to someone who was clearly a bad guy.

Just the sort of thing they needed. How were they supposed to deal with these weirdos? He'd have to give it some thought. Lovely. We'll make sure the pack knows. Make sure Caerus is gonna stay put -- he's getting big enough that he's gonna want to adventure, this isn't the time.  When would be? Mal was still hoping Saints would just evaporate. Dissolve? Either was ok as long as it meant they were gone.

Assuming that was it regarding the Saints, Mal looped back to what she had said earlier, You said you found your brother, though? And the rest of your family? Slightly hopeful tilt of his head there. That was the whole point of the trip, after all. He hoped she had found them and had a good time seeing old faces. Good news, please!

Yeah I agree, she said. Simmik hated to make Caerus stay within the borders but Mal was right, this wasn't the time to go wandering off by himself. If things ever calm down, I'm happy to take him exploring outside the borders, she offered. Ad long as that's okay with you and Cupid, she quickly added, not wanting to step on any toes. She'd love to teach him about more things, though. 

She wanted to tell him about her family, but she needed to talk about the Donovan stuff first; it was eating away at her and she needed to get it out before she had the chance to chicken out and decide to keep it to herself. Yeah I found some of them, she answered first. But before I tell you about them, there's something else I need to tell you first. She looked away, unable to look at him as she fought to get the words up. I ran into Donovan on my way home, she started. He just always seems so different with me. I just—I don't think I can stay away from him. She lifted her gaze to look at him. I know it's stupid. I'm stupid for not cutting things off after everything that he's done. But I just can't. I don't understand why, but I can't. She stopped rambling then, searching his expression for hate or disgust or anger—all would be acceptable in response to what she just told him. I don't think it' all his fault. He's told me things about his family...it's just that—maybe I can make him better. She knew it was probably really dumb of her to think so, but she did anyway.

I don't mind at least. It'd be good for him to hang out with some other people too, I think. Since he didn't seem to get along all that well with some of his siblings last time they met, yikes.

What she then said sent his mind reeling. Wait, what? After all that had happened, she somehow still liked Donovan? Lolwut. How? Dude was happy to be a scumbag and thought it was the greatest life out there. Mal wasn't entirely sure what to think about it. Disappointment? Worry? Desire to chuck Donovan off a cliff so he would leave every Neverwinter wolf alone? Something like that. His expression was thus muddled, but certainly not a positive emotion. Was asking that the people he cared about to be safe too much to ask? I don't want you to be hurt. We know he's done some bad stuff. He admits to it. He doesn't seem to see the problem with it. But what else has he done that he's just conveniently left out? Or, hell, actually ashamed of? Did such a thing exist? Mal had doubts Donovan regretted nothing but being unable to turn everyone into his pawns so they'd all agree he was a god. Was he leading along any more people? Maybe Donovan got his kicks by making someone become attached and then abusing them or something -- there were probably some pretty nasty combinations out there if Mal thought hard enough.

A pause, Does he even want to change? She knew how little luck he'd had trying to get Cupid to even change his opinion -- and that wasn't asking him to change his personality or anything even. Did Mal have to go find Donovan in person and tell him to piss off in person or something? It was probably pretty impolite for Mal to say he was probably a waste of time (and space, and air) so he opted for a lighter version, You deserve someone you don't have to change. Look, Mal figured he was the absolute bare minimum of acceptable if everyone else's reactions were honest, and Donovan didn't hold a candle to him on the "actually a good person" scale.

She could read a few things in his expression—exasperation, worry, disappointment; all of it was expected, but she hated that it was in response to something she did. Everything he proceeded to say made sense, and she didn't even disagree with him, which only made how she felt even more confusing. I know, she said, shaking her head. I know he's done bad things, and I know that I shouldn't like him—I wish I felt differently. She sighed, exhausted from her trip and from everything that had happened. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me, though, she told him, as if that would make him feel any better. He's said as much more than once. Of course, it wasn't really something he should have to clarify, but she wasn't really thinking rationally enough to realize that logic. 

His question made her frown and look away. I don't think so, she said. But that doesn't mean he can't be changed, Simmik added. As for what she deserved, well, she hadn't really considered that part of it. She cared about him and wanted to make him better, regardless of all the reasons she shouldn't and what all she deserved. It's all really confusing. I'm sorry, I know it's stupid.

He didn't understand it. Donovan had come off as kind of a gross excuse of a wolf to him, an awful person and thus at his core entirely unappealing. It was one thing to have snarky banter or a slightly sour perspective on the world, but that was too much. So what about not physically? And what about the rest of us? Or your family? Just.. I mean, I don't trust him to not cause problems somehow. I don't think it's an if, I think it's a when. Maybe he was being too aggressive about it, but he was worried. If she could conveniently forget Donovan that'd be great. Simplify things a whole bucketload. Especially if he's not knocking down mountains to turn over a new leaf. He doubted Donovan thought of Simmik as highly as she thought of him.

I just don't want you to get hurt, Simmik. In any way. What could he say to make Simmik ditch the fool? He wasn't sure there was anything. I don't want to see you disappointed and sad, or be able to say 'I told you so,' I don't want to have to figure out how to deal with things if he really does go off the deep end and things get vicious. A drawn out breath after a pause. Is asking you to stay away from him too much? Probably. It was a desperate sort of question where he expected that it was too much -- Mal was wanting a solution where there wasn't one, a hope. How would he keep her safe otherwise?

She had no real arguments for the points he made; they were all valid. Mal was right not to trust Donovan or his wolves, and he was right to think that things might turn out badly for her and for the ones she cared about. So why did she want refute his logic? She wanted to tell him that none of that would happen—that Donovan would take her into consideration before hurting her or her packmates and family. But she couldn't. Because deep down she didn't fully trust Donovan either. She knew he wouldn't do anything as long as things were going his way. But she worried about when they didn't. She worried about his ability to keep his promise to her, and all of that made her feel like a piece of shit; she was bringing problems into not only her life but the lives of those connected to her. I don't know, she said quietly. It was all she could come up with. She opened her mouth to speak a few times, but no words came out. She had no idea how to answer; her brain and her heart were not agreeing, and it was terrifying. 

Along with his concern over her getting hurt and what would ensue after that came a question that had her gaze snapping up to his face from where it had been planted on the ground. Her expression was pained; it was an impossible situation. She would do anything for Mal—anything. And never had she thought her loyalty would cause her to have to make such a difficult decision. But when it came down to it, just like she had told Donovan, she would chose her pack over him. If Mal wanted her to stay away from him, than she felt like she had no choice. She certainly would never forgive herself if something happened to one of their packmates because she couldn't get her shit together and stop caring about someone who was so obviously the bad guy. She sighed too and looked away. Alright, she forced out. I won't see him anymore if that's what you want. The words hurt her heart and her pride. It wasn't often she let others tell her how to live her life, and Mal was probably the only one who ever could.

This wasn't the conversation he'd been expecting to have. He didn't know how someone like Donovan could have such a hold over her. At that one meeting he'd just seemed like a slimeball. But was that because Mal knew in advance? Hell, why could someone that Mal found so appalling manage to hook someone like Simmik when Mal himself, who tried to be kind and give people what they wanted, had such a hard time every time he tried to make someone like him. It just didn't make any sense.

That's what I'd prefer. But he didn't demand. He wanted her to agree to it, so they'd be on the page and working together. I don't think anything will be easy. But you have the pack behind you. And I'm here for you, whatever you need. It wasn't like Mal was a particular bastion of knowledge about relationships or anything. He didn't have the most amazing answer or anything, just the knowledge that he did have her best interests at heart. He moved forward to nudge her, mentally waffling between whether he should leave it at that or offer a hug or.. Something.

She knew everything he was saying was coming from a good place; she knew he was only trying to make her feel supported, but it only made her feel worse. How could he support her terrible decision? She felt like he should strip her of her rank for being so careless. What kind of leader was involved with the leader of an enemy pack? It put her in a really bad position, and it was selfish. 

He nudged her, and she turned to press her face into the fur of his neck. She didn't understand why he wasn't angry with her, but she was grateful that he wasn't—she didn't deserve for him to be so understanding about it all. I'm just really confused, she said quietly as she pulled back to look at him. I know it's wrong, yet I can't change how I feel about him. She shook her head. I don't know what to do. She knew staying away from Donovan would be difficult, but maybe it was the only way to fix all of this.

It was probably only because Donovan hadn't directly done something bad to Neverwinter that Mal did approach things on a more even keel. He wanted to know why that guy. And see if he could maybe make it so Simmik wouldn't see him. It was all he could do. She was basically family, and he had to keep her safe too.

When she pressed into him, he turned his head slightly to lick the top of her head. Maybe he should have actually hugged her. I don't have all the answers. I mean. You know all the luck I've had -- pretty sure anyone will think my life is a disaster. But I've learned some things I like, I guess? Stuff I'd do different for the future. Maybe if you think of it that way? You know that Donovan as a person isn't good, but maybe you could take positives you'd like in someone that you won't have to... second guess maybe? He wasn't sure that was the best word. But he hoped it got the point across. He was not good at words. Because yeah, if you're feeling like this right now, I don't want him to do something else bad. It would be worse. She would feel worse, and he didn't want that.

Her expression shifted to something more serious and thoughtful as he spoke. What he said made sense now. But what about if she ever found herself alone with Donovan again? Could she regard this logically as she was trying to do now? She was still giving his preference some thought, too. And she really meant that she would stay away from Donovan if it was what Mal wanted. But would that be difficult outside of this moment too? She was so clearly not equipped to deal with this kind of decision. Except, she had a responsibility to try and figure out. 

She couldn't really give him a concrete answer about any of it right now. I think I just need some time to think over it all, she finally said. But, I have no intention of seeing him in the meantime. That would just complicate things further, there was no doubt in her mind about that. 

I'm sorry, Mal, she offered, shaking her head. I'm being stupid, I know.

If she tried, that'd be the most he could ask for right now. So far the Saints hadn't hurt the pack, so really he was just worried about Simmik coming out of it all unscathed. He wouldn't dare trust Donovan to keep being nice to her forever. Sometime it'd have to crack, wouldn't it? He'd gone and pissed off like what? Three packs? That was a lot of wolves. So, he nodded, Well, I'm here to help you try to figure stuff out if I can. Even if it's totally something dumb, feel free to ask, he said with a lopsided grin that would have certainly been bigger in any other conversation.

But they were gonna go in circles weren't they? So he finally changed the subject, What about your family? That was a much happier conversation, right? One she'd like?

The Donovan stuff had dominated the conversation until then, and she had completely forgotten that they hadn't yet talked about her family. 

I found my mom and my brother, she answered. And Mahler. They weren't where they were when I left; they were somewhere farther south and the pack was called Sagtannet and not Diaspora. She paused and drew in a deep breath as she tried to sort through everything. They weren't mad. I'm pretty sure they actually wanted me to stay, but that's not an option for me. It hadn't been an option for a long time. My brother, Stag, didn't say much once he brought me to the right place, so I don't know if that was his normal or if he was mad or something.

I didn't bring up an alliance...there was a lot to talk about, she added after a few moments. I plan to see them again, so I'll ask them then. Hopefully they wouldn't tell her no, but she honestly wasn't sure.

And since the player can't remember, neither can Mal, I forget if I said -- I knew Mahler when I was a kid. Wonder what he'd think of me now, he said with a chuckle. He was certainly a different wolf than the couple of times he'd ran into Mahler. Would he be impressed? Annoyed? Mal had not a clue, it wasn't like he knew the guy particularly well -- he was just this blurry blackish shadow in his memory.

Yeah, maybe waiting on the alliance was okay. Get used to seeing family again or something like that. I'm glad you were able to see them. Will it be an easy trip to make again? Were the Saints in the way? He was mostly just glad it sounded like it went well and she hadn't been hurt by the crazy people in the process. I mean like, how often do you think you'll end up seeing them?

He had never mentioned that before, and she lifted her eyebrows in clear interest. I didn't know that, she replied. How did you know him? It was kind of a small world. She supposed it wasn't too surprising given where he grew up and where she grew up, but interesting anyway. 

It's not too difficult of a trip, Simmik answered. But it is kind of a long one, so I won't be making it too often. She loved her family, but her life was here. I'll try to visit every once in a while, though. Especially since she really wanted to bring up this alliance thing.

Mal's childhood did in a few places make a good joke -- the events surrounding Mahler probably qualified as one of those points. He wandered by Elysium's borders and I yelled and said the pack was awful and he should keep going. Okay, that wasn't all of it, but it was an amusing enough summary. I ran into him later and he chased me into a bush and basically said I should find people worth my effort. I don't know if he necessarily meant for me to go start my own pack but that's what I ended up doing.

He nodded, Well, hopefully next time you head on over, you've got some good news from them and they've stayed safe. If they've had our luck, a happy meeting will be a nice break from all these other ordeals, he said with a smile. He wouldn't keep a wolf from going to visit their family -- it would, after all, be nice if he still had his sisters somewhere (kids were different).

She huffed a small laugh. That sounds like him. She didn't remember too much from her time with Diaspora, but she did remember Mahler's matter-of-fact attitude. Well, it seems to have worked out well for you, she added, even if his family was shit for making him feel that way. 

Yeah I hope so, too. She hoped things were going better for her family's pack than they were for her own. 

I think I'm going to go rest for a little while, she told him, a yawn parting her lips. You can come with me if you want. She had missed him, and she knew there was probably plenty more to talk about. 

feel free to reply or archive <3

Well at least they weren't talking about two wolves with the same name from the sound of it. He agreed, Not without its own trials. Most of which you know.

He gave her a cheeky smirk, trying to shove the thoughts about Donovan into a closet where they'd be lost forever. Seriously, make that guy disappear from existence. Sure. I can run down all the other mundane things you've missed on the way. Might end up putting you to sleep. Or at least, pretty sure nothing crazy happened in that period of time, so it was hopefully gonna be boring. And so, they trotted off!