Lion Head Mesa sarcophagi

Her sobs were quieter now.

They had at one time been so loud they'd filled the catacombs regardless of how deep Nazli had wedged herself; she did not know how far she had gone, except that she could not see any light and she did not recognize the sweeping stone faces of the maze of it.

She cursed the name of Senmut quietly and without feeling, as she had cried until she'd been empty and too dulled by it all to really wish him ill.

More fervently she would curse the name of @Tavina as the woman should have been the one to tell her the truth early on, and to prepare her.

For good measure she spoke a curse in to the dark for Nala, though even in her pained state Nazli felt guilt for that and recanted it.

Once this had been her safe place, and it was again in her time of need.

it was tavina, who found her weeping there in the darkness.

it had been where she lived. and now to it she returned. "nazli?" the sesh called hesitantly, eyes straining against the darkness.

her heart raced. "what happened?"

There came one of the people she loved. Had loved? Nazli couldn't tell how she felt now. She knew she felt betrayed. She felt stupid, for not having seen what was so obvious to everyone else. She felt small, too, in the sense that she was immature and foolish for her reaction.

Tavina came and Nazli wanted to send her away. That guilty thought lost out to the need to please, even now in her drained state. She dabbed her eyes with darkness and moved, though it was only perceptible as a sound.

Am I summoned? Nazli answered. She chose to ignore her mentor's concern for her; it was performative, she told herself - the both of them had their parts to play.

nazli was cold. closed. formal. tavina shook her head, though in such a gloom it would be hard to see.

"no. you can stay here as long as you'd like." her heart was worried. she did not try to draw closer, but the silence grew expectant as it stretched on.

I have a choice in this, then?

She did not know how to play her role here. Tavina was once the closest thing she had to a mother. She was family.

She lied by omission, thought Nazli dully.

For all the girl knew, she had lied about everything.

Stepping carefully, drawing herself along the wall for guidance now. When were you going to tell me? I should presume never, so I could be blind to my true purpose.

When the first tendrils of light touch her face, it is clear Nazli has been crying. Her face is puffy around the eyes. There is a forlorn look upon her.

"tell you —?"

but her voice trailed away as she saw nazli's pitiful little face. she spoke of her true purpose and tavina's heart sank. "because i didn't think of it," the sesh said plainly. "not because i was ignoring anything, but because you were a child and i wanted — you to stay that way."

seeing jawahir's disdain of their own children, seeing zakariya blinded and then lost to the world outside akashingo, tavina knew the palace would protect nazli. "everything you know is something you can use." her true purpose. the sesh was angered by herself.

The last lesson Nazli would take from Tavina came in the form of a regrettable sentence.

Everything you know is something you can use.
If that were true you would have told me first. Instead I had to hear it from my -- from Jawahir, to be confirmed by Senmut, all while the other fellahin look upon how hard I work and know the truth already. She couldn't keep her voice level. Sometimes it fluctuated up with anxious high-points, or down and full of gravel.

The look on her face became something else entirely, then. Distraught, emotionally drained, cold — all these things, but with something closing off within Nazli as she drew back to the dark, where she felt a touch more comfortable rather than the vexing sense of being on display.

I was a child but you made a mother's choice, which you are not, Tavina.

it was the sesh's turn to be cold, to feel herself turn to marble and ice and pull away from nazli. she was the only mother that the girl and her brother had known. and while she understood the young servant's anger, tavina was hurt.

"it is always your choice to serve in that way, nazli. there is no force." the sesh was unsure what jawahir and senmut had said, but she knew she would be direct now. "when the time comes for your training to begin, pharaoh will tell me. and i will tell you."

her throat felt tight. she wanted to turn away but did not.

Nazli is still at war within herself. She wishes to be helpful, to be praised, to be seen as good and loyal as that is what she has been taught. Now she finds herself doubting all that she knows; doubting Tavina most of all, and grappling with this idea of choice.

What if she could be something else. Senmut had tried to tell her — to warn her, maybe. Only now it was all sinking in.

You all command me and I obey, like a good little servant! Senmut was right, I am barely a person — She screeched this before she could help herself, and immediately after she clapped her teeth closed around her lashing tongue as if to jail it. For a moment Nazli looks apologetic and she wilts beneath the tone of Tavina.

"you were born of fellahin and you are a fellahin, but you do not have to remain that." there was a dour, determined cast to tavina's tone as she looked hotly toward the girl she had raised.

"stay away from that priest. do nothing that will invite the pharaoh to question you." but her tone was not angry; tavina was only tired. "tell me what senmut said. and what jawahir said. i will tell you everything else."

Nazli looked differentially away from Tavina's eye for a moment; but the woman had mentioned Senmut and forbade the girl from seeing him, which riled her all over again.

I—! I have duties with the priests. There are tasks I must do, her tone was defensive. There was no way around it. She did not want to land anyone in trouble. It had come as an afterthought, given that Nazli had put targets upon both of them by now, without meaning to.

Tavina demanded information.

I was told that the role of fellahin was, ultimately, to lie with those chosen for them. It felt so strange to talk of this with Tavina! Her face felt warm and her eyes began to pound from all the crying, and how dry they were now, and the dust in the catacombs.

Senmut... Senmut said he could save me from it. To make me a person, rather than a fellahin. Like I am nothing now! That was what burned the most, for Nazli. She had thought herself all cried out and yet the familiar choke of emotion snared around her neck at the thought of it.

"then see that you are not alone with them." her tone was hushed but emphatic, and she nodded to what nazli relayed.

"yes. that is your role, when you have been deemed ready. it is most likely that pharaoh will call you to him first." she was heady with nausea at the thought, and guilty that nala even in her lowest rank would be spared this. "after that, you will serve those who want you. mazoi. guests."

she swallowed. tavina would not tell nazli it was not so bad; she did not know. but her purple eyes sought the delicate little face in the darkness. "did senmut offer to — to lie with you?" she asked, growing more incensed as the two of them delved into the ignominy of service.

Exhausted, yet bashful. She could not think clearly in her state. Some part of Nazli knew she was betraying various trusts by sharing these things, and she hated herself for doing it, but she needed guidance. Tavina was only trying to help her, she reasoned to herself; the justification was meek.

Her stomach churned when the pharaoh was mentioned; she felt how dry her mouth was, in that moment. Dizzy, almost, and leaned against the wall for a touch of stability that didn't really help her.

He... no, he, she sucks in a breath and the taste of the musty catacomb air does ground her a bit. Nazli becomes a touch defensive again of Senmut, wishing only that she hadn't spoken of this at all, now. He said nothing like that. It was something about marriage, and making me more than a fellahin. I was so mad at him I wasn't listening.

The guilt came then, rushing in like it was the river and she was the wellspring being fed, and flooded.

tavina could teach nazli how to navigate a man's lusts. but this was different and held an intimacy she knew could only be dangerous for the girl she loved.

ramesses was very jealous and she did not wish for nazli to come beneath that anger.

"sometimes fellahin are freed or granted the right to marry. they can ascend a modest amount, though having and keeping pharaoh's favor often grants far more."

she paused, feeling dire and complicit. "you are angry about not being told. what else?"

She spoke plainly of what to expect. Of the options that would perhaps be granted to Nazli, but also that she would have to endure the pharaoh first, regardless. That his happiness and his pleasure, his wants, should be valued above all. It was not such a hard lesson there - it was the truth of Akashingo as Nazli knew it. Of course the pharaoh would be expectant of things. She would take her time to wrap her head around it all.

It wasn't so much the future that frightened Nazli, though. Tavina picked up on the guilt that manifested, and the other emotions which Nazli could not quite name. Her question was met with a sigh.

I was angry with something he said. Nazli wanted to claim it was a private matter but she had no right to that, given her station, and she knew it. Something about... He sees me as a person, not a fellahin. It was offensive to me. As if I am not by default a person! As if I need to be saved, somehow.

It riled her all over again, but to a lesser extent. There came a shake of her head; she did not want to revisit it again and again and tire herself out further. I like my place, and my work, and the people here. I don't see why that has to change — or why, how, I am not good enough the way that I am.

That could change, though. Nazli had no idea what it would mean to lay with a man — how it might change her love of this life that she led.

"those who do not serve do not understand the completion of servitude," tavian said softly. she did not want to contradict, only to explain. "you are both, nazli. a fellahin does a job. a person has interests outside of those tasks."

she was quiet again, and then: "it would be best if you saw this too as a task. not a defining trait." her voice shook for a moment. "you are good in any way you represent yourself. and i am proud of you."

her tones resounded with truth.

Tavina understood her. She understood what it was like to be fellahin and to be in service in a way that Senmut did not. At once Nazli felt terrible for how she had behaved; for what was said, and how spitefully she had wielded her tongue against the woman who had always looked out for her.

She drew from the shadows again, frowning and sad yes, but seeking the comfort of Tavina. Reaching for her as a child might tug at a shirt sleeve. I'm... I'm sorry, for... but she couldn't finish her words. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against Tavina shyly.

tavina pulled nazli close. "no. no." her earlier hurt was forgotten. "you didn't know and i should have told you."

but now the girl knew. and now there were no more secrets between them. she bathed nazli's sweet face and sighed. "you're not too old for honey and berries." her smile was saddened. "come on. i'll find some for you."

She felt the plush warmth of Tavina's body as she was held, and felt immediately like she could sleep for the rest of the year.

Honey and berries — that made her smile thinly, and after a breath to think about it Nazli murmured, alright. . . and would follow Tavina from the catacombs, to share in the treat.

These final vestiges of youth would be shed soon enough, given how soon she was expected within Mereo as servant to the crown prince's retinue; who is to know how that might change her, too.