Ravensblood Forest Now I'm on my way

@Donovan Azura 
set not long after this thread but before the upcoming drama
being vague about details. hopefully timelines don't get messed up later lol
set for late evening, clear, 74 F

The few hours it had taken her to get here had been torturous. Even though she ran most of the way, she couldn't quiet her mind. What she had learned about Donovan was terrible; the man she knew seemed so different than the one the Yuèlóng leader had told her about. But there was no doubt it was the same wolf, and there was little doubt in her mind that it was the truth. So then why was she making her way here now? Not to warn him (assuming she had any idea of what might be brewing), but to hear him confirm the story himself.  She wanted to hear his reasoning. What she would do with the information, she didn't know, but she knew she needed to confront him.

A large part of her was pissed; she felt mislead, like a stupid little girl, tricked by some handsome wolf in sheep's clothing. She wondered if the side of him she knew was even real, or if he just pretended to keep her around for his entertainment. That was what really had her fuming. She wasn't an idiot, and she didn't like to be made to feel like one. 

She stopped sometime before she reached his borders to catch her breath and compose herself. She didn't want to look at all disheveled when she saw him. She could do nothing about the pounding of her heart, but at least on the outside, she appeared calm. 

She stopped at the edge of the forest, her muscles tense as anger still flowed strongly through her. She drew in a deep breath, lifted her muzzle, and then howled for Donovan.

Donovan’s front half is bowed elegantly to lap up water from a nearby stream. Tongue flicking in and out of his mouth, returning every time with that sweet liquid substance. The area around him is calm, nature is quiet today. Or it is until he hears a familiar howl. Though it sounds different somehow. Undoubtedly that is Simmik’s saccharine voice, yet the undertones are all wrong. Or at least something he isn’t used to.

So he dutifully raises from his lowers position. Beginning a brisk trot in the direction of the beckoning howl. After no time he even begins an impatient gallop, not wanting to keep the pale woman waiting too long. An excruciating ten minutes pass and he’s finally able to see the dense wall of sequoias open up into a lush field of grass. The trees part and reveal Donovan’s large form. Slowing himself to a walk he stops just in front of Simmik, a borderline innocent smile on his face and a wag of his curly tail. Then, as he closes in something doesn’t feel right. Just as something felt off about her howl. His face falls and he stills, not daring to close any closer, even though he’s only about a foot away from her.

“Is there something wrong, Simmik?” In all seriousness, he doesn’t call her a pet name. Rather her actual name rolls worriedly off his black tongue. There is caution in his canary orbs as he meets her own eyes.

It calmed her anger a fraction that he actually seemed to take things seriously today. She knew he would be able to tell something was up; she had never been this cold and and truly angry with him before. He hadn't seen her temper or been on the wrong side of it. 

She looked away, ears falling as she shook her head. We haven't discussed much pack business, she started. You probably don't know that Yuèlóng and my pack are allies. She looked up to him now, her fiery gaze searching his face for a recognition of the sea pack's name. Her tail flicked restlessly where it lay between her hocks. Their leader told me something interesting earlier today. She lifted an eyebrow. About you kidnapping a woman and then hurting her wolves when you were caught and they tried to rescue her. She shook her head, looking away again. I could deal with the other stuff—you and your pack causing trouble for our allies— Just that wouldn't have made her so angry with him, just irritated. And it still would have warranted a talk, but not one like this—not one where she was trying to keep her shit together because she wasn't sure what to believe anymore. —But this? She searched his face, her hurt breaking through her stony mask for a few seconds before she got it under control. Why would you do that? She knew he was rough around the edges. But to kidnap someone? It was just so beyond anything she had expected from him.

His golden eyes fervently search her face and watch as she continues. Mentioning the northern pack of Yuelong and, predictably, he deflates under her gaze. He knew he could only keep it hidden from the silver wolf for so long. Though if he were honest with himself, he wasn’t truly trying to hide it from her. Hell if she had asked earlier he would’ve confessed to the deed beforehand. He’s not surprised to know that the neighboring packs are friendly with each other. How could they not be? Being so close to each other. 

Then guilt seeps into his mind at the obvious hurt in those beautiful apricot eyes of hers and he clears his throat. He lowers his haunches into a seated position and doesn’t look away from her as he prepares to tell her the truth and nothing but the truth.

“Simmik. I’ve not been intentionally hiding it from you. I knew it would come up eventually.” Then his gaze hardens. “Everything you’ve heard is true and I will not pretend to deny or sugar coat it. What I will do is tell you why. Sure the reasons might seem idiotic to you and you’re welcome to think I’m lying, you’re entitled to your opinion. Just know that I’m not.” He pauses. “Upon arriving here, I watched my pack get slaughtered like I told you. I was pissed, I did some fucked up things. I deal with emotional trauma poorly and what not. They came to rescue her, Aphrodite, I planned on giving her up without a fight. Yuelong’s agouti warrior had different plans and attacked on sight.” Then his brows furrow and his lip dares to curl ever so slightly. “From then on it was fair game. I sought not to kill him, but to teach him a lesson. I was obviously outnumbered and was able to flee due to their outstanding mercy.” He says the last part sarcastically, then becomes serious once more. “That’s the only wrong we’ve done by them. We’ve even sought out good relations with the eastern neighbor pack. I’m not unreasonable, but I do not—“He growls the words confidently, voice strong and demanding. “— let others fuck with me like that. I hope you understand, Simmik. Everything I’ve said is true to you, I’ve been nothing but real with you out of anyone else.” 

Damn her stupid, empathetic heart. And damn him for whatever emotional hold he had over her. What he did was awful, but then wasn't what she did to her own family just as awful? And for a similar reason. She had abandoned them without a single word and still, today, was letting them believe her to be missing when she was just a few days journey from the mountains where she was born and her family still resided, to her knowledge, anyway. Still, what he had done was inexcusable, or it really should be that black and white. So why was she so conflicted? Part of her was disgusted with what he had done, but the other part wanted to believe his sincerity. He did seem really sorry about the whole thing—no. She sighed and shook her head. How am I supposed to know if I can believe you? What if this was all just a game to him? Her logic seemed too blurry when it came to Donovan, so how could she trust even her own reasoning? How can I know that you won't hurt me or someone I care about if I ever upset you? Before today, she wouldn't have even questioned her safety around him. Or if something else bad happens? What was stopping him from lashing out at her and doing something just as terrible? 

And his last words—I've been nothing but real with you out of anyone else. She wanted to believe that. But was he just saying that to play on her sympathies? Taking advantage of their connection? How could she know?

He stares back at her and answers both of her worries in only two words. “You can’t.” He hums simply, honestly, almost somberly. “I don’t know any other way to prove it to you. Even then, will you want to be with me knowing what I’ve done?” He asks deeply to the pale wolf. “If defending myself and my territory is such a hinderance to these neighboring packs then I shouldn’t speak of when I still had my pack in the Abbey — my homeland. I have standards to uphold.” He took pride in the savagery of his old pack and he’ll take pride in the savagery in his new one. “I cannot take back what I did to poor Aphrodite, but just know I cried for her. Cried with her. I will never be forgiven.” His eyes meet Simmik’s and an undying hate fills the yellow of his irises. “I hate what I’ve done to her, yet I cannot change it. So I accept it, just as I accepted my family’s  slaughter and moved forward to build anew.”

He shakes his head, softness coming to his expressions now and his voice becomes softer — inviting. “I never meant to hurt you, but I will accept your decision just as I have accepted everything else in my life. I would enjoy seeing you again, but ultimately it is your decision. Think on it.” He says softly. “Give me an answer when you’re ready.”

She was having trouble wrapping her head around all of this. Her self-preservation instincts were urging her to avoid, avoid, avoid as it always did when things got too upsetting, or too confusing, or just too much. Her coping mechanism was to breeze on forward and pretend nothing had happened. It was why she had yet to return to her family and let them know she was okay, despite deciding she would make the trip ages ago. It was why she hardly ever brought up Matty or visited the glacier. And it was what had her wanting to run back home to hide in her forest and in her routines now. 

She stared at him, obviously conflicted. Some of what he said seemed like poor excuses for being shitty neighbors. From what she had learned, it wasn't like anyone had antagonized his pack; it seemed like quite the opposite, yet he smoothly delivered the words as if they were the absolute truth. Had he actually cried? It was hard to imagine him doing so. If it was so upsetting to him, why had he done it in the first place? She understood impulsivity, but this seemed like more than that. 

She didn't know what to do. Part of her wanted to forget it all and close the distance between them to push her face into the fur of his neck. She hated this tension between them. But another part of her grew nauseous at the the thought of being that close to him. How did she know which one to listen to?

I need some time, she finally said, repeating his suggestion. I don't know how to feel or what to think about it. She was woefully ill-equipped for such an overwhelming situation with more far reaching consequences than she could even know.

Donovan decides to come clean, let her know the true him. The selfish, vicious, prideful Donovan. “I am not this way around you because I have no reason to be. Even if I did, anything bad would be cleared out by the good memories I’ve had with you.” He pauses and sighs, voice becoming harder once more. “I am a horrible man, there are horrible things I regret doing and then there are even worse things that I don’t regret doing. My morals are lax and I will kill without a second thought. This is how I am Simmik. I think you deserve to know that about me. I’m sorry.”

The last two words are whispered in a hushed tone. Coin gold eyes gaze to her affectionately. “I will understand whatever your decision may be.” He hums, a finality in his voice.

The way he just blatantly stated that he would kill with no thought made her anger resurface. Her expression became cold and she held his gaze. And what about me? Would you kill me without a second thought? Because in her warped understanding of this situation, that's what it all boiled down to—would he treat her so violently if things didn't go as he wanted them to. She wasn't one to capitulate, so she was bound to piss him off at some point. 

What if my decision is to retaliate, seek revenge? she asked, pushing him even though it was probably stupid to do so. Would you understand then? She was clearly pissed now, her confusion and hurt morphing back into the betrayal and anger she had felt initially. Or would you rip my throat out? 

If the tables were turned, would she rip his throat out?

He scoffs at the new bout of anger that hits her. Which is understandable, he’s not scoffing at that, he’s scoffing about the thought of him killing her. Of course he wouldn’t. An ally to him or the Saints are something to be protected and cherished. Any who he can call an ally, Donovan would give his life for so at this he shakes his head negatively.

He continues to remain calm, voice low and eyes never leaving her form. “I wouldn’t kill you.” He cuts back tersely. “We do believe in honor with allies and you are more than an ally to me. We risk life and limb for the few allies we have.” He looks down. “You’re different, I could make exceptions for you.” He gives her a sweet smile. He continues to try and simmer down the conversation. Who knows, maybe his attempt at flirting at such an inopportune time would piss her off even more. He can only try.

“I don’t want you to hate me, dear. I will do as much as I’m able to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

He hadn't said much to make her feel any better. Even his assuring her that he wouldn't kill her didn't seem to help much. When it came down to it, she just couldn't handle his keeping all of this from her. He claimed it wasn't intentional, but how could she know that for sure? And that made her unsure whether or not she could trust his word about anything else. 

His attempt at flirting did nothing to make her feel better; she only looked away, saddened by the reminder of how they were with each other before all of this mess. 

She wasn't sure if she hated him or how she really felt beyond hurt and betrayed. All she knew was that she was too angry to really spend anymore time here, listening to whatever excuses he had to offer. He seemed sincere but the whole problem was that she wasn't sure if she could believe him, and no matter how much she understood being in a bad place and making bad decisions, she wasn't sure it actually excused what he did. I need some time, she repeated, shaking her head. 

But I'm a leader too, and I have my pack to worry about... She began to turn to leave, not wanting to listen to anymore of this. She wasn't even really making sense anymore. 

Unless he stopped her, she would trot away without a glance back, eventually breaking into a run when she thought he couldn't see her anymore. Her emotional state would fluctuate the entire way home, moving between sad and angry so many times that she would be practically a mess by the time she crossed over the borders to her own forest.

Donovan nods somberly at her words. He knows she’s conflicted. He can’t say much else to convince her, even then, his morals are lax just as he said. Even if she did get over this and decide to be with him, it’s only time before future events pulls her again from him once more. It’s sad, but it seems like the closest to the truth he can get with her.

So as she turns away, his eyes watch her intently. “Simmik,” he practically whispers. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.” The words are final. He lets her go.