Kildeer Rest chhod gaye balam mujhe

set after this thread. @Alarian

Mature Content Warning

This thread has been marked as mature. By reading and/or participating in this thread, you acknowledge that you are of age or have permission from your parents to do so.

The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: sex or sum shit

the emotions rippled through him the entire run north, but he didn't allow them to permeate the temporary shell he buried himself in until he finally broke down from exhaustion, out in the open. his legs buckled, heart bursting, and he gasped, pressing his forehead against the ground. he let out a ragged scream, a guttural holler, that echoed throughout this hollow place and scared a flock of birds from their resting place nearby, wings in a fluttering burst all at once.

feeling after feeling assailed him, shades of anger and sorrow--one moment a snarl, the next a sob. his brain could not come to terms with what he had seen. he had thought his love for coelacanth--strong, but incomplete--had been a betrayal of sorts to his mate, a slap in the face to her continued loyalty.

no. no--this was betrayal, in its most outward form. whatever effect his wandering thoughts had, they paled in comparison to this. everything did.

he thought she was better. thought that she was the one. but grayday's words came back to him, the lecture about not tying her down. but he hadn't! instead, he'd given her space, and now this had happened. he'd given her space, and she had taken advantage of it. it just went to show that no matter the goodness of your heart, even the ones closest to that heart would find a way to shatter it.

aditya cried like a child on the ground, curling into himself. everything hurt: his head, his stomach, his soul. the vibrant spirit he was had been, for now, extinguished in the wake of this catastrophe, and the light slowly left his eyes, leaving them blank, golden orbs sunk into his skull. staring sightlessly ahead, the only motion coming from his ribs and belly, heaving erratically with quiet sobs.

The last thing he had expected to find while hunting was Aditya— collapsed on the ground, crying. Woah. Alarian spotted it from a distance, and had to stop for a moment because he was just... shocked. It had taken him only a moment to recognize the golden wolf, having committed him to memory already; he was fond of Aditya. Fond enough that this— this made his heart ache. Something horrible must have happened, he knew.
He approached slowly, chuffing as he did; he recalled when he had spilled his emotions regarding Lennon and Korei to him. Aditya had been so understanding; maybe now was his chance to show how much he had appreciated it. He could return the favor, somehow. Alarian wasn't really— okay, he was shit at these things. But for this particular friend, he could try.
Aditya? He called softly, lowering himself to the ground a few feet away from him so they were level. What happened?

in a better situation, one even marginally more stable than this one, perhaps he'd try to get up, raise his chin, save face. as it was, he only had enough energy to lift his head, focus his stare, and deduce that he was looking at alarian after a few moments of thought. a choked sigh escaped his lips as his nose dipped again, head resting on the ground. he looked at a blade of grass, trying to gather his thoughts.

"alarian," he began, and his voice sounded like a distant rumble of thunder, low and indistinct. he cleared his throat, trying again. "alarian, i. . ." he trailed off, not knowing how to word it. any of it. how could he describe what he had seen, without breaking down all over again?

he squeezed his eyes shut, a fresh burst of pain prickling at his senses, both physical and emotional. his chest hurt--his heart literally hurt. "dawn. my mate. i saw her. . .with someone else." less than ten words, and he was undone once more, moaning, ears flattened against his skull. "kyon? kyon hua tha?"

His chest tightened as Aditya said his name, and for those brief moments he was struck with all the possibilities. It was easier to care about him than it was with the others— after all, he had cared. And, more importantly, Alarian knew nothing about him but his name, his pack, and that his intentions were perhaps too good; as golden as he was, and ill-placed in this world.
And, he was reminded as the male spoke again, his mate. He swallowed hard at the admission, ears pinning back. Oh— Aditya, I... I'm sorry, Alarian was reminded of his own experience with unfaithful lovers; only twice, but perhaps that was too many times. Looking at Aditya, he was certain once was too many. He crept closer tentatively, unsure of how to comfort him. Was there any way to help with this?
He swallowed again, reluctantly recalling his own past feelings. Part of him knew that Aditya wouldn't be the same way, but it was all he had to draw on. Alarian reached hesitantly to press his nose to his friend's cheek for a brief moment, if allowed. I'm here, He assured him softly; it was the only thing he could think to say. After a couple beats, though, he thought to add (perhaps a little more passionately than he really should feel about it, though still quiet): You don't deserve that.

i'm here. and he felt the touch of a nose to his cheek, then. . .you don't deserve that. nothing saccharine, no platitudes. just honesty. gratitude swelled in his chest, then, as he turned his head to look at the slight young man, face contorted in agony. "you're right," he whispered, voice at once both empty and fervent. "i don't deserve it."

anger supplanted the gratitude, though the emotion was not for the leader of bracken sanctuary. he snarled, sitting up slightly, tail lashing. "i would do anything for her!" aditya growled, golden eyes boring into alarian's. "anything. and give up anything for her." he swallowed the sob that rose in his throat, blinked back the sadness that threatened to overcome the wrath.

"i loved--love--another woman. but i was willing to leave her behind for dawn." his voice was cold, bitter. if he had less loyalty to pema and grayday, their family on the plains, he'd be off in a flash for undersea. as it was, he had shackled himself to morningside. . .and he would have to live with the choice his mate had made to betray him.

"i'm tired of being the heartbroken," adi groaned, hanging his head. "all my life, i've never been good enough. not for anyone." not for his father, not for any of the girlfriends he'd had, not for dawn. he'd tried so hard, and somehow always had come up short. "no one's ever wanted me, and only me."

He listened quietly, wondering again if it was possible for him to help Aditya. Even after so much time, Alarian distinctly remembered how he had coped with his own betrayals; many long nights with countless strangers, anyone who wanted him. Sometimes, he had been the convenient one, too. He didn't like that idea for the golden wolf, for some reason. Aditya did deserve better.
It's not you that isn't good enough— if anything, you're... too good, Alarian felt himself flush slightly; baffled and a bit distressed, he ignored the feeling. His gaze broke from Aditya nonetheless, trailing along the ground as he continued a little more quietly. I mean— you're just... you deserve to be appreciated— um, but not in the weird way that probably sounded like. Hahaha what am I doing? I'm sorry your mate couldn't see that; I know how it hurts. Maybe that would fix it, ugh.

"i just don't know what to do." his voice was weak, pathetic. "grayday told me to give her space, so i gave her some space. and now she goes off and does. . .this." adi sighed, looking at alarian. watching the way the sunlight danced in his champagne eyes. "i can't win," the golden male whispered, holding alarian's gaze.

he was slim, built like a woman. even less brawny than dawn or pema. no, not slim--scrawny, with an unkempt pelt. he wasn't quite the nightmare aditya had encountered before; now adi was on the opposite side, being talked down from a ledge. his lips parted slightly, watching the younger man. straying down his neck and arched, springy ribs, then back up.

"i can't leave morningside," aditya remarked sourly, shaking his head. "i promised pema i would help her. our--our main leader died, some days ago. we're trying to pick up the pieces." his face contorted suddenly, painfully. "i wasn't enough for her, after her da died. she found solace in someone else."

rage fluttered through his belly, clenching in his guts. he saw her, again, joined with that man. his eyes flashed hotly to alarian again, as if sizing him up.

Alarian tried to keep listening— he tried. Names floated past him; Dawn, Grayday, Pema— their leader had died— but he could only focus on the way Aditya's gaze trailed over him. He shifted, heart rate picking up. Surely he was misunderstanding. Aditya had a mate who had just broken his heart, he was probably straight as an arrow, and Alarian was— he was a mess. No one wanted that.
Nonetheless, he couldn't focus on what was being said. Had the golden man always had such alluring eyes? For a time he was quiet, unwittingly returning Aditya's searching gaze. But then it lit with a raging fire again, and he tensed slightly. That stare— he was certain he would either feel the male's teeth, or... something else, soon enough. He had never known his friend to be aggressive, but neither had he seen him angry before this. The thought sent heat through his belly, rivaled only by a simultaneous spike of fear.
Before he could stop himself, he drew nearer again. This time he sought to press his cheek to the side of Aditya's neck, suddenly aware of how vulnerable he was. His pulse was fast, a slight tremble to his limbs, but he didn't know what to say. So he took the risk— perhaps a larger one for him than most, as a wolf on the small end of tiny with the physical endurance of an overly ripe banana.

one more touch was all it took. the match struck, the fuse lit. burning like a torch, aditya lifted his head to suddenly clamp down on alarian's nape with his teeth, holding him gently but firmly between his jaws. he rose, unsteady on his paws, pressing his body against the smaller man's. the positioning was slightly askew, and not quite ideal, but all he could focus on was the blood pounding in his ears, hot and loud. 

"what do i deserve?" adi growled against alarian's fur in his mouth, breath coming short. his pelvis bucked, involuntarily, hard against the other's hips, his desire swelling between them. 

in a different world and time, one where things made sense, aditya would be home, quietly minding the borders. this was not that world. this was a world where his mate fucked random men, and where he had the pleasure--he snorted aloud--of watching her do so. well, if she got to fuck others. . .then so could he.

"do you want me?" he asked, tone more a demand than a question. he pressed further against alarian, a whine escaping his lips. he wrapped his forelegs against the slim frame. so tiny, like a woman's. fur warm beneath his. in this moment, he couldn't have named alarian; the body beneath him was suddenly nameless, an amalgamation of his fantasies, all he had wanted for so many moons. 

he squeezed, impatient, waiting for the inevitable yes. for the lover must want him, too. . .right?

Truth be told, he had expected Aditya to crumble further— once more it was proven that Alarian didn't know shit. He felt teeth around his scruff, and submitted immediately to what he expected would be a warning; again, he was wrong. Finally he understood when he registered the weight of the golden wolf against his back, felt his fur mingling warmly with his own, and rose slightly to meet the embrace. He was not being attacked; he was being claimed.
Electricity shot through his veins, his breath hitching at Aditya's first question. For a moment, he thought about stopping him— somehow, he was certain he could. The buck of hips against his own sent another flash through him, taking with it any notion of stopping. A soft, throaty whine slipped from slightly-parted lips, tail sweeping aside instinctively.
Yes, Barely a beat passed between the second question and its breathless answer, fading into another muted whine. Heat pulsed through him, slower and more intense than the frantic pulsing of his heart. The air fully abandoned his lungs at the feeling of forelimbs tightening around him, prompting a half-gasped plea: Please.

yes was all he needed; the please only served to make him move faster. he'd done this before--never with a guy, but this guy felt enough like a girl beneath him--so the preliminaries didn't matter much to him. the other wanted it as bad as he did--why wait? adi adjusted himself to fit snugly behind, taking the scruff harder beneath his teeth, pulling the body closer with a muted thud and a groan.

he was pressed hard against the man, looking for--finally, he found what he was looking for, and his eyes rolled back in his head as he pushed as deep as he could go. never before had he found an entrance so tight. . .aditya panted and drooled like a rabid dog, breath coming ragged and quick, making noises that he thought were words but could have been strings of random syllables, for all he knew.

so good it felt, it didn't take long before he reached a peak and spilled over, eyelids fluttering as he moaned ecstatically. how long had it been since he'd gotten laid? moons, at least. so devoted he'd been to dawn--even pushing her away that one time, when she'd been out of her mind--that he'd touched no other. well, now--now he was touching others, and he fucking deserved it, too.

he kept his weight off the slight man's back, not wanting him to crumple beneath him while he stayed knotted. adi brought his lips up to one ear with a soft chuckle. "tell me, premi, was that as good for you as it was for me?" adi murmured. "you're the tightest, sweetest little thing i've ever had."

Aditya was not gentle— and Alarian was not disappointed. He sucked in a breath as the golden wolf pressed against him, searching, and expelled it just as quickly as he brought them together. This was— different. Not at all like it had been with Samothes or Outlander. It was more intense, somehow.
Maybe he only imagined it that way. Breathless and trembling, all he could do was focus on holding Aditya's weight— a daunting task when he could feel his limbs weakening. As quickly as his lover peaked, Alarian managed to beat him there; a quiet, shuddering affair as it always was. For a beat, he thought he might collapse, and lamented having an obvious thing for guys multiple times his size.
But Aditya was careful; exhausted, still trembling softly and trying to calm his breathing, he found a surprising swell of gratitude for it. A shiver trailed down his spine as he felt the golden wolf's warm breath against his ear, heard his chuckle. Oh... Alarian swallowed hard, realizing quite suddenly as Aditya spoke that he was in over his head.
It was, He managed, shy but warm, and turned his head to dot soft, tentative kisses along the other male's muzzle. A hot flush was spreading through his ears and cheeks, and as the afterglow slowly faded he was beginning to remember the reasons to regret this. But for the moment, it didn't matter; right now, Alarian felt wanted.

finally, the tension relaxed, and aditya pulled himself away, slowly, stretching his tired muscles. he was sleepy post-climax, and loath to travel the great distance home. for a moment or two, he had forgotten everything--why he was so angry in the first place, even. just a blissful moment or two. adi padded slowly up to press his muzzle against the other's cheek, eyes opening, but froze mid-kiss.

the angular face was that of alarian's. the smell painting his body from nape to cock was that of alarian's. alarian--leader of bracken sanctuary. his friend. his very good friend. alarian.

alarian. he'd just fucked alarian. no, worse--he'd fairly well forced himself onto alarian.

he stumbled backwards, eyes widening--it looked almost comical, were it not for the horror clearly etched over his face. "oh, my god," aditya croaked, shaking his head. "oh, god, alarian, no. i'm sorry. that wasn't--" his throat clenched tight with revulsion: not at alarian, but at himself, for what he'd done. for what he'd gotten his friend into. this--this didn't happen. decent beings didn't do this.

shoving down the urge to vomit, aditya tucked his tail between his legs. "i'm so sorry," he whispered, before turning away, shuffing back to morningside with a heart even heavier than it had been when he'd arrived.

He had known the regret would hit, eventually; he had known Aditya was fairly out of his mind with grief. He had done it anyway.
So, by all accounts, Alarian deserved this. He deserved the shock and horror written across his friend's face, the stammered words he barely registered. He deserved the sharp, icy feeling racing up through his own chest. He deserved everything he felt the moment he realized he had been a mistake— again.

There was nothing to say. Alarian watched him leave, sinking slowly to the ground when he couldn't see the golden figure anymore. His body ached where Aditya had gripped him, his scent still woven into his fur. Tenderly he curled in on himself, in much the same position he had found his friend in. He cried. It was a long time before he rose again, glassy-eyed and hollow; only one thought escaped the purging white flame he had set through his own mind.
I should go talk to Lily.