Sun Mote Copse Don't like where I'm at, 34 was bad, so I just turn to 35

!

While her welcome committee had been an absolutely adorable distraction, Maia knew she couldn't delay too long.  Doing so would only make this harder and if she was going to be any kind of scout, she couldn't just... not deliver messages.  Even messages that were awful.

But this one wasn't awful, right?  It was no news, but it wasn't bad news, unless no news WAS bad news... ugh.  She was still tired from the trip, but before she ACTUALLY went and got a nap, she knew she should find @Eljay.

Eljay!  Hey!  Umm.... are you.... around? She asked, her voice loud in the quiet forest.  She thought he still stayed around the nest... but then again, she wasn't sure.  She hadn't really been around him much before, actually, outside of random meetings either outside the territory or about.  That was a weird thought, actually.  She hadn't met a lot of the pack, it felt like, not in a way that was super duper friend-making.  It just felt like every time she got to know a wolf, they vanished, and then she'd been on trips, and everything with her family last year, and wow.  Yeah.

She sat down with a small huff, listening.  She'd get up and keep looking in a minute, just a little break, then she'd be good.

The forest was quiet. Eljay had fallen asleep after he had heard Maia's call and had forgotten about it a bit. Birds chirped while he snored lightly, a peaceful image for all but Eljay's unkempt appearance, which made him look older than he was. It was the voice in the distance that awoke him. Eljay! He saw Wiffle's voice, a soft smile dancing on her face as she looked at him, before she turned around and started running off, silently inviting him to play. Hey!

Eljay blinked as the image of Wiffle vanished and he heard Maia's you around? through the forest. A few birds flew up beside him as he lifted his head. Eljay got up and shook his fur, then glanced in the direction Maia's voice came from. Yeah, I'm over here, he called back towards her and he started making his way towards the source of her voice with slow lethargic steps.

The first thing that Maia noticed was how horrible Eljay looked.  Not looks wise... she'd always counted him as cute, as she did most, but everything about him just seemed to exude 'giving up'.  Even she could tell, and she wasn't normally the most with it when it came to noticing others' problems.  Immediately she felt a small hit in the pit of her stomach.  Why do you always have to fail?  You should have looked harder, should have kept looking.  Now you have to tell him.  Her ears tipped back.

Umm, hey.  Are.... are you okay?  She didn't know how this conversation was going to go, but she wasn't about to just hit him with the news first.  It was likely obvious, anyway, by the fact she witheld that she hadn't found him.  But before they talked about that, she wanted to hear how he was doing, because friends didn't talk about this sort of thing without checking in first.

Maia's words were careful, which made Eljay feel rather guilty. She must feel bad for the state he was in. And it was clear from her phrasing that she hadn't found Elfie. Luckily, that was already what he had expected, so no surprise there, really...

The question was too hard to answer. Because he wasn't okay. Because he didn't want to worry her even though he figured everyone must be worried. He just was tired of everything. Of losing those he loved, of being useless, of... Everything. He was almost worried to come to care about others, to come to love others. What if something happened to them, too? Was it because he cared? What if something happened to Weejay?

Instead of answering a question that was too complex to answer with a simple yes or no, Eljay went a different route. He looked up at Maia and said: You didn't find him, right? It's okay, I... I think it's really nice that you tried. He forced a smile filled with pain to his face as he looked at her, hoping that he could at least not make her feel The Worst.

She couldn't help but feel crestfallen, and it showed.  Her own disappointment was nothing like his... she was an eternal optimist when it came to anyone but herself.  She was sure that Elfie was fine, because anything else was unthinkable.  But she'd been so dead set on bringing actual news that it was a huge disappointment to fail.  

Yeah, sorry.  I didn't go everywhere, obviously, but... I went a lot.  Her ears tucked a little.  But!  Everywhere I went, everyone promised to look!  So that's definitely something.  She smiled, not wanting her own feelings to bring down the already sinking mood.  Heck.  Thanks for coming with, at first, anyway!  It was a lot of fun.  You're pretty good at it, you know, for someone who's so bad at traveling.  Little bit of a joke, but she meant it.  It was super cool that he'd trusted her to take him somewhere, especially after telling her how badly other trips had gone.  It almost made her feel... official, or something, like a real scout?  Except that was a WHOLE lot of respectabillity and she wasn't quiiiite sure she was there yet.

Maia seemed to feel bad about not getting everywhere, which made Eljay feel pretty bad. She'd already gone out of her way for him, and he didn't want her to feel as though it had all been not enough. No, that's -- you did what you could, he said, trying to say it's okay and seeming at least a little more lively, though also more distressed, as he tried to reassure Maia. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel bad after all the trouble she'd gone through for him and Weejay.

Maia seemed to perk up a bit after, optimisticing herself back on the horse. You did all you could. Now we just have to hope someone finds him... If he's still out there, he couldn't help but think. But he hoped that Elfie was -- he'd always been an adventurous boy, and maybe he'd just got lost or wanted to explore or whatnot. He thought of what Wraen had said about letting him spread his wings. He wished he'd never allowed it, but if he hadn't, wouldn't Elfie have just been miserable here? It was tough.

The teasing didn't go unnoticed, though he wasn't really in the mood for it very much. I guess I'm alright company, even if I couldn't find my way back here at all if you'd ask me to. He smiled meekly -- Eljay wasn't usually very good at complimenting himself, so though it was a small compliment, anyone who knew him well would have been very surprised at his comments -- as he hoped that Maia was feeling a bit less self-conscious about it now.

She appreciated the effort, and it went the rest of the way to letting her normal optimism take the spotlight.  While there was nothing for her not bringing back the news he wanted, it helped that he wasn't mad.  She'd half expected him to chase her off from the pack.  Like... it wasn't the most Eljay thing to think, now that she was here and talking to him, but anxiety was never really rational.

It's kinda funny.  Look, if I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell anyone? She asked, mock serious.  Though... in a way, she kinda was, because this wasn't something she admitted.  Not often, at least.  I'm... really terrible at finding my way.  Really, like, anywhere.  But the kinda funny thing about getting lost a lot is after a while you just kinda learn to keep going and not to freak out.  And after a while I always find a place I know!  She smiled a little sheepishly.  I guess that's why I really like knowing so many places.  Yeah?

Eljay tilted his head when Maia said there was a secret. She seemed to be joking, but he nodded anyway; Eljay was someone who stuck to his word if he made a promise like this.

When Maia admitted that she was bad at finding her way Eljay couldn't help but choke down a burst of laughter. Maia, bad at finding her way? He'd only travelled with her once and she had been brilliant that time. I find that very hard to believe, he said to add to his initial reaction. You managed to get us all the way back here when we travelled, after all. Maia elaborated that she learned to stay calm, something Eljay found hard to believe. He hadn't been panicked all the time the whole time in the small amount of time he had travelled, perhaps, but he'd still not enjoyed it very much at all...

I guess that makes sense... Sort of. Though he still seemed sceptical. Was she saying this just to make him feel better?

I swear, it's true! she responded, also laughing.  It was good to laugh about it, honestly.  It used to upset her, and make her think she wasn't fit to be a scout.  But she'd learned to trust herself a bit more, and roll with it, and in the end it made it less hard. No matter how lost she got, she always managed to find her way.

One time I was trying to go to Moonspear and ended up on the coast!  It took me way longer, but I ended up meeting some neat wolves there.  Not for the first time, she wondered how Illidan was doing. This time, though, it was weird... she found herself kind of hoping he was happily settled down.  He deserved it.

I'm glad I didn't get us very lost! Though once or twice I... might have worried about it. she added a little sheepishly.  She hadn't admitted it at the time, but as they'd traveled, there had been a moment or two where she had felt they were going in circles.

Eljay still mildly wondered if Maia was just saying it to make him feel better about not finding his way. He was pretty sure that he was a hell of a lot worse and he found it very hard to believe that Maia was bad at all at finding her way. He chuckled as Maia told him her stories about ending up on the coast when looking for Moonspear -- a place that Eljay wasn't even sure where it was, exactly, except maybe if Maia had pointed it out during their travels.

Maia then went on to say she was glad she hadn't gotten them overly lost and might've worried only once or twice. Well, I wouldn't have guessed on our journey, Eljay said with a small smile.

Oh.  Good.  That means my confidence is working, she answered with a bit of a giggle.  Sometimes it was a front, sure, but she'd slowly found making herself relax just made travel easier.

What was your favorite spot?  She asked, thinking back on the trip as she did.  Mine was that one pack, Y'know?  At first I wasn't sure, they didn't seem all that friendly, but it was super neat they let us stay and meet them.  She had a thought.  Oh my gosh, we should totally do the same! Like, when a wolf comes by, if they're nice, we could swap stories!

It wasn't the most border-friendly way of thinking, and Towhee likely would have hated the idea.  But Maia wasn't considering that just yet, she was too taken with the idea of sleepover story time with strangers.

Eljay nodded when Maia said that the pack they visited was her favourite bit of the journey. It was the same for him. He hadn't ever stayed at a pack for a short amount of time; he'd only ever travelled, and moved to packs. He didn't think he'd ever actually visited a pack; well, except for Raven's and Redhawk Caldera when he was a part of Drageda, of course, but that was, well, different. Yeah, they were really kind, Eljay agreed as he thought of it.

Maia said they should do the same if anyone came to their borders. It made Eljay a little nervous to think of strangers in their territory, but he supposed it was alright as long as they were kind, too. It did seem only appropriate to pay such kindness forward. Yeah, I uh, I suppose -- I mean, if they're nice wolves, of course.

After a short moment of silence Eljay admitted: That was my only time ever visiting a new pack that I didn't already know. That he remembered -- except Drageda, of course, but that was a long time ago and in the end, he had joined that pack. It was quite a different experience there. As I said, I don't get out much.

She listened, then was quiet for a moment.  He said that a lot, didn't he?  But... he never said if he was happy that way.  He'd seemed happy on the road with her, but he was also quiet, worried about Elfie and if they would find him.  So it was hard to tell if his happiness had been genuine or because he'd had no other real choice.

Do you... like not getting out? She asked, looking at him.  Like, do you ever wish you could go more?  I always kind of wonder how wolves can stay in one place like that.  It isn't really something I'm used to.  She smiled a little awkwardly.  That sounded worse than she meant it to, almost like she was judging him.  She definitely didn't mean to!  She just didn't get it.

Maia was surprised that he would want to stay in one place at all, which didn't surprise Eljay. He knew that it wasn't how most wolves were. But most of his experiences with leaving the pack territories were terrifying, and he just wanted everyone to be safe, himself included. The toughest thing for Eljay to accept was his children leaving. Weejay had the tendency to leave the pack territories when she was upset about something, such as when Finley and Elwood had died. He'd grown to accept that she left the pack territories at times, that she did like exploration, though thankfully she was mostly a homebody like himself. With Elfie, he had begrudgingly accepted it because he had no other choice, and, well... It had turned out awful, which didn't bolster his confidence towards the outside world any.

After a moment of silence while Eljay tried to collect his thoughts, he said: I dunno. Then added after a few seconds of hesitation: My mom got hurt a few times when she was out exploring when I was little. He didn't usually reflect much on his upbringing or the problems he faced. He wasn't sure why he was saying that, but he supposed that was a big part of why he didn't like going out. I guess I've always been a homebody. And then when Elfie -- when he -- He couldn't say died, it couldn't be true -- -- got lost, I just... It just confirms that it's not safe. I'm just worried to get hurt out there. And I like my home. Even moving's been difficult. It takes time to feel comfortable in a new place.

It wasn't really the answer she had hoped for, perhaps. He supposed that it would've been nicer if he had said that he was willing to try travelling more. But the truth was that he was not only scared, but also loved finding a proper home a lot. He'd only left his home twice -- once for Drageda and once for Wiffle (but it helped that he had never liked living on the Plateau).

It made sense, she guessed, when he'd known people to get hurt.  But yet it also didn't.  Most of the bad things Maia had seen happen had happened at home... her parents, Charon, Wraen.  All of them had been badly injured or killed right in their own territories.

I guess.  But, it isn't perfectly safe here either.  Right?  She frowned, then winced.  Sorry! That sounds bad.  But I mean, like, I've never really considered it any more dangerous out there.  She hadn't meant to imply that the world was all dangerous and terrible.  The opposite.

I get feeling comfortable though.  It's been pretty cool to have a home you like.  She liked it here too, of course!  But no place would ever feel like the home she left.  It was hard to replace a pack where she was surrounded by family who'd known her since birth, and that's kinda what Eljay had here, wasn't it?  It wasn't strange to her at all he wouldn't want to leave that.  Leaving hers had been one of the hardest things she'd ever done.

Eljay frowned when Maia noted that it wasn't safe here, either. She was quick to elaborate, possibly because saw the look on his face, and said that everywhere seemed equally dangerous. He didn't agree at all; the outside was riddled with wolves who didn't mean well. Sure, there were some that meant well too, but the risk of running into an unfriendly face was just a lot bigger out there. At least there aren't any aggressive wolves inside the pack borders, he ended up saying, not wanting to outright disagree with Maia right there and then.

She said that she got feeling comfortable, and that having a home you like was good. Eljay couldn't agree more, thinking back to how uncomfortable he had been at Heron Lake Plateau the whole time, and how much he'd missed Redhawk Caldera. Honestly, he wished that they still lived there, but the Copse had become much of a home to him over the past years too, even though a lot of grief lingered here, too. But also a lot of good memories -- memories with Wiffle, memories of how he'd bravely followed her here, memories of raising his children. He didn't want to give those up.

Still, Redhawk Caldera always had a place in his heart. He admitted: Sometimes I think what it would be like to move back to Redhawk Caldera, where I was born. It's not far from here, maybe you know it..? Eljay had revisited it only once -- to get the stone for Wiffle -- and he knew it was an alright distance away from here. I didn't think I could ever be happy anywhere else after we left it. Not until I moved to the Copse. It was a very two-faced story; on the one hand, it spoke of his love for Redhawk Caldera and how he'd love to live there again, and on the other hand, it showed that he could adapt and find new homes that he loved in similar ways, even if it wasn't always easy.

Maia nodded.  Sometimes, I guess, but it depends on the pack.  There aren't many outside either, long as you don't poke your nose in someone's space!  But yeah.  She thought back.... she'd really only had one or two bad encounters.  One of them had actually been on Redhawk borders.  The other had been Moonspear, and she still felt uncomfortable thinking about it.  They do what they have to out there, but sometimes someone will surprise you.  I had someone even save my life, once, I think.  She smiled, a little sheepishly.

I remember that, I think!  My parents told me to go there, when I first came here.  They used to live there, and my uncle used to lead it?  But then when I got there, well... Wraen and Terance weren't there!  And I kinda decided to go find them.  Plus her welcome committee hadn't been the best, but she didn't want to mention that, just in case.  She didn't remember the boy's name, but he might have been something to Eljay.

Eljay'd never been one to poke his nose into things very much and so he didn't really feel that all you needed to do was don't poke your nose into someone's space. But he didn't say, because it didn't matter very much. Maybe it was mostly an intrinsic feeling, he wasn't sure. There had been nice wolves he had met, too. Now that he thought about it, it was probably mostly the uncertainty, the wildcardness of it all, that made him unattracted to the wilderness. Wow, really? he said about being saved. Wow. Well. I guess it's mostly the uncertainty of it that makes it so hard. Someone could save your life, but someone could also take it. He just wasn't a risk-taker. The biggest risk that Eljay had ever taken was leave Redhawk Caldera when he was two years old.

Maia said that she remembered Redhawk Caldera because her parents'd told her to go there. Huh, pretty funny that we could've met so much earlier, right? Then again, they'd met first like.. quite some time ago. Maybe a year and a half? But they hadn't really gotten close in any way until they went to search for Elfie together. Funny twist of fate. I still miss it sometimes, he couldn't help but add.

Eljay considered whether he should tell her about when he'd moved to Drageda. He wasn't sure why he had taken that leap. Well... He actually did remember, but it was just embarrassing to think about. I left home for some time once, when I was two, Eljay said. He felt awkward saying it and he sure as heck didn't understand why he was telling Maia. She was so adventurous, his story would just be like a walk in the park. Did I ever tell you..? He wouldn't want to repeat the same old story in case he had maybe mentioned it at some point. She was a scout, after all, so it seemed like the kind of story that, if he'd tell anyone, it would be his Scout friend who loved stories.

That was too true.  Sure, the one time it had almost happened, she'd definitely deserved it.  She didn't remember it well, but she recalled dimly that the promise of that food had been worth even the risk of snatching it under an entire pack's nose.  It had been one of her most awful experiences in the wilds, but thinking back, it could have gone way way worse.  She'd made it away mostly unscathed after all.  She was just lucky that other woman had been there to share her food.

Seriously!!  That was a weird thought, to have met Eljay before Wraen! She wondered idly if he and Wildfire had been a thing then... probably.  It took, like, years to do a mateship yeah?

She latched on to the promise of a story eagerly, her eyes lighting up at the prospect.  No!  I mean, you mentioned it, but a storyteller always wants the details.  I swear I'll only take inspiration if you let me though, cross my heart, bard's honor.  She made the sign of it across her chest, then sat down, as encouragingly attentive as she could be.

He had mentioned it apparently, and Eljay wondered what parts he should tell Maia then. Maybe he had only mentioned living there? Or travelling there? Alright, just say if I say anything double, he ended up saying after a good ten seconds of thoughtfulness. That would be easier than having to try and remember what he had told her before. He was relieved that she said she wouldn't use it in a story without permission, because he felt that it was a pretty embarrassing story. I don't think I've told anyone about this, but... So I.. At the time, it was pretty hectic, 'cause Fox and Peregrine had passed away and we had to take care of their pups, all together. My younger brother Lagan did really well, and at some point I just.. kinda felt like.. um.. I guess like I was no longer needed now that he was there. I'd helped raise Lagan and his siblings, and now he was just... better than me? So I thought I was only in the way and I didn't want to be a bother anymore. There was a quiver in his voice even now, three years later, as he recalled how that had felt.

I left the pack, hoping that... I guess that I would find some place that would help me improve, make me better somehow. I travelled for a bit but I was pretty lost from the start. It was only through luck that I happened on Drageda by the coastline, where Wiffle happened to live. He glanced at Maia to see if she was still paying attention and if she had any questions. If not, he'd continue -- She and her uhm.. her mate was the leader of Drageda, and she got me a chance to join. But -- they wanted me to stay around the outskirts and -- and prove myself. I didn't really know how to hunt on my own, because I was used to doing big game hunts in the pack mostly, so it was hard. I was super hungry by the end of it, it took months. Only when I almost gave up and thought I might just die out here, they finally accepted me. He smiled softly, even though it was a horrible experience. I think I lived there for.. a few months. How I got back home is quite a story too. It was kinda weird being in the spotlight like this. Eljay wasn't used to talking this much, but somehow, Maia's enthusiasm made it easier to talk and not so scary to be the center of attention.

There was no way he'd say anything she had already heard, because even if you heard a story a million times, there were still new things to find in it.  Maia never minded repeats.

She listened attentively as he spoke of why he left and how he'd been accepted.  A lot of it resonated with her experiences... feeling less than your family, needing to find a place of your own, trying and failing at getting a start, but succeeding in the end.  It surprised Maia to hear that Wildfire had a mate before.  What happened there?

Maia smiled when he finished, appreciative of the telling.  That sounds a lot like why I left.  I felt like my brother and sister were wayyy better at everything!  So I came to find Wraen, and got totally sick by the time I did.  I can't believe they made you prove yourself like that though! That's super harsh.  It was odd to think of Wildfire living in a pack like that.. Firebirds had been so the opposite.  Maybe Eljay had changed her mind on things?  The more story the better! I mean... if you want to.  She began enthusiastically, then reneged, not wanting him to think he absolutely HAD to tell.  He was a pretty busy wolf, being a parent and pack healer, while she just kinda had the day to waste!

Eljay was surprised that someone like Maia could ever feel like she wasn't as good at things as her siblings. She was good at so many things, and Eljay'd generally grown up around very confident wolves who didn't struggle as much as he did with anything, so it was hard for him to imagine that anyone could have those feelings that didn't also show them. Oh, wow, really? he said, wide-eyed and blinking, clearly surprised about that. But you seem so confident! It was a total eye-opener for Eljay, who always thought he was the only wolf in the world who ever felt less-than-confident just because everyone else never appeared insecure at all.

As for the rest of the story, Eljay nodded as Maia encouraged him to tell more of it. Yeah, it wasn't really the pack for uh, for me, I guess, he said with an awkward grin. I think they wouldn't have let me in if Wiffle hadn't been there. He briefly looked at the ground as he thought of Wiffle and how different what they had was at the time. I mostly helped take care of the children there. I lived there for -- uh -- Months, I guess, maybe half a year? Then at one point, we... There was a war where Drageda and Redhawk Caldera worked together to fight wolves from uh.. He tried to think of the pack. He just remembered the dark forest. Black forest? Dark woods? Black woods? But there was more. Black.. somethingsomething woods. I was supposed to be in charge of taking care of the children, but I got so worried thinking about... It was a bit embarrassing maybe, and he felt a twinge of sadness as he thought of her and realised she was dead once more, .. my mom, um, my mother, so I... I kinda went over there to look for her, and I ended up finding her but they were in the middle of a big fight and I think I endangered everyone and got pretty hurt. Eljay felt his cheeks flush as he admitted to this, feeling pretty gosh dang embarrassed about it.

I ah.. They let me recover back at the Caldera, and then I sorta just never left. I did intend to return, I.. I did, but instead I just totally left them hanging. I never even visited them, since I had no clue how to get there and home in the first place. The first time he'd found it by sheer coincidence, and then on the way back he'd just followed the warriors' scents down to Blackfeather Woods. He wasn't proud at all of leaving them hanging like that, but he was still very happy to have moved back to the Caldera.

Maia just smiled when he said she seemed so confident, and let the comment go.  She was glad he thought so, because most of the time, it felt like she could barely hold it together.  She'd gotten better when she traveled, but she still didn't trust anything about herself, and she wasn't sure at this point she'd ever feel like she was "good" at anything.  She enjoyed telling stories, but would she call herself amazing? No way.

He moved on to describe this pack, and how he left to join in a war.  That immediately pushed other thoughts from Maia's mind.  Really!?

Wow, she said when he finished, obviously impressed.  And you said you haven't done much!! That's huge, being in a war with your family and helping them! I've never done anything remotely that cool.  Something faltered, when she thought on her own family.  Maybe you don't feel like you helped, but you were there, and things turned out okay.  So I bet you did more then you think. she said, a little softer.  

Then she brightened. So then, your secret title has to be way cooler with all of that.  I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board.

Maia seemed to be pretty impressed with what he said, and Eljay wondered if he'd told it wrong. He hadn't meant to make it sound like he had actually contributed; he had pretty much just been in the way and then he had gotten hurt. He didn't remember all the details, as the event had been traumatic, painful and was very foggy in his brain, but he did remember that he had certainly not been good and hadn't done anything to actually help.

Oh, I-- He wanted to say that he must've told it wrong, that he didn't want to leave the wrong impression, but Maia said that she thought he did more than he must think, and then he realised that maybe he hadn't told it wrong; she just interpreted it differently. I don't think... But as he looked at her bright smile, Eljay didn't want to tell her that she was wrong and he wasn't the hero she thought he was. Sometimes, people needed to believe in something. So instead he swallowed the worry and the uncertainty and he just said: .. Thanks. with a soft smile.

When Maia said that his secret title needed to be cooler with what he had told her, Eljay could feel his cheeks flush with embarrassment. He hadn't meant to attract a lot of attention like that. Oh, uh... he said with a short laugh and he trailed off, clearly not really sure how to react to that at all. He didn't really think anyone had ever been this enthusiastic about his life or thought he was some kinda hero. Yeah, sure, most wolves respected him well enough for his caretaking work and they were nice to him. They thought that he was doing as well as he could with the crappy lemons life'd given him. They thought he carried his part, maybe, even. But there weren't many who really thought he was, well, really good at things. That he had some unique qualities that others might not. That he helped. Anyway, maybe he was just imagining that that was what she thought. He didn't really know. Maybe Maia was just this excited about literally everyone, and he was just no exception. But it still felt kinda good, and it showed with a big smile on his face.

Eljay might not smile often, but when he did it for real, it was one of the brightest and sweetest Maia had ever seen.  Her return smile was huge to match.

How about... Hmm.  He was brave, but she could do better than something with that.  Mostly because she knew him enough to know he would turn it down, and a title had to be something you felt too.  Oh!! I got one! Eljay the Glorious, Assister and Physician Extraordinaire!  She declared the title with an exaggerated inflection, as all titles should be.

I have the authority, see, as official Queen of the March Hares.  She called back to one of the titles Wraen had given her.  She'd always wanted to be a princess growing up, but her sister had allowed her to skip a step and she definitely wasn't complaining.  What'd you think?