Stone Circle We cannot be equal

After watching one of their own wolves get kicked out mercilessly -- for reasons Laurel had already forgotten, but didn't seem to matter much to the story in her head -- Laurel felt afraid. She was anxious every day, feeling as though she might get thrown out every day. She didn't participate in pack things -- she hadn't since even before Indra's death, but now it was as if she had a valid excuse that would make others leave her the fuck alone even more -- and she didn't feel happy. Stress was there every day even despite Valette's sweet help when she had dragged Indra's body home. And it had increased tenfold since the banishment. Charles, @Louie and @Riley were mostly left to their own devices and if they would seek her attention they would often receive an 'mama's tired now, go play' or, if they were insistent, bared teeth or a snap of warning to make them go away.

She wanted to love them, but she kept thinking about it all. About the warning someone had brought to their borders and what it had done to her. The realisation that he had never let go of her, even if he had died beneath her and others' teeth. Vespera's banishment was linked so much to the unsafety he had made her feel, too, for it was her who had come and killed him when Indra and Laurel were barely managing with the pair of them. Laurel had never even managed to thank her for it. And now she was gone, kicked out as if she was worthless. If someone like that was worthless, then how long before they would get rid of Laurel, too?

Getting up and doing things was a struggle. Taking care of herself was not going too well, although she managed to eat and drink enough to keep herself going despite it all -- hunting proved the only thing that could make her calm for a little bit, forget about everything else as she chased and killed and tore apart and nourished.

After winter, Laurel knew what she must do. Knew that she was not safe here, and that she should break up with the pack before the pack would chase her out or kill her -- or worse. There was no trust after what she had seen, and she worried every day about what it would bring to her. She worried about what Greyback might do, and she feared that it might bring more grief along the lines of the abusive man that had brought her ugly children into the world. She had loved those children, but now that Indra was dead it was as if all of her hatred for them had been passed onto Laurel. She would exchange their lives for that of Indra in a heartbeat, if only she could.

Every day she walked the borders and the fields around Easthollow and considered leaving in smaller or bigger degrees, depending on the strength of the panic that coursed through her. She felt fear shake every bone in her body that day as she walked towards the borders. The thought of Greyback terrified her now, after she'd seen such anger on his face, after she'd seen how fast he could shift over like that. If he could shift like that on Vespera, then it was certain that Laurel would get hurt somewhere down the line.

It was there that she saw the slumped down form. She froze as she saw it, a stark reminder of how she found Indra, even though this form meant much less to her. But of all the forms in her life, he meant more to her than she would want to admit. She had loved him, once -- she knew it was him instantly -- but now she was not so sure she could anymore. But in a world where her own leader might hurt her or kill her or much, much worse, Xan's form in the snow was like a beacon of hope, shining and calling her. Xan! she called out as she raced towards him. She hoped he wasn't dead, like Indra. Mostly for selfish reasons. Mostly because she needed him -- to get out of here, to feel safe. She couldn't lose him again. Laurel didn't approach until she could touch him -- she stayed at a safe distance just in case he would try something. He was prone to trying things, after all.

Xan, you've gotta get up. You have to protect me. Ears folded back and tail drooped in desperation as she hoped that he could somehow muster the strength for it.