Redhawk Caldera If she gives you her heart don't you break it

I love this song so much <3. 
https://youtu.be/wDaiiluanQc

It had been a while since her conversation with Ibis, but she couldn't stop thinking about it.  It had gotten stuck in her mind that she was wondering what kind of a leader she might make... but she couldn't even work up the courage to ask a simple question.  And after a little wallowing, and a whole lot of going back and forth, Maia had never really felt more sure.  

She should have asked this a while ago.  It was stupid of her to assume asking him was selfish.  Not asking was selfish, because instead of showing him she wanted to be with him, she probably made him feel like she wanted space.   In reality, the space between them these last couple of months had been awful.  She kept up a cheery look, and she enjoyed her new packmates (and her sister's) company.  But every night, and every morning, and every minute it felt like... she just missed him more.  Visiting wasn't enough.

If she couldn't ask this, couldn't fight in some small way for what was important to her, then she didn't deserve to be a Raven.  And she definitely wouldn't deserve him.

The worst he can say is no.. That was a lie though.  The worst would be if he said yes... and then, in the end, he resented her for it.  Maia closed her eyes. You just have to trust him.

Lifting her muzzle, she howled for @Eljay.

Eljay was relieved to hear Maia's call go up. He'd been tiptoeing around the borders, afraid to leave and hating it. Following the incident on Moonspear he had both valued the safety of the Caldera as well as feared these outdoors more than ever before. He'd tried to visit her, because he really wanted to make sure she was okay, but he just physically couldn't. It was the most frustrating feeling in the world.

So when he heard her call, Eljay immediately dropped everything he was doing and he started on his way towards her. When she came into view he smiled softly, relief painted on his face. I'm so glad to see you! he said when he reached earshot and Eljay pressed his muzzle against the side of her neck firmly while he sniffed in her scent.

He was so happy to see her, and it was like every time, she forgot that and was surprised again by the fact.  Maia turned and let her own cheek fall against him, resting there while he greeted her like that for a moment.

She could just kinda forget about it and lie and say she was just here to visit.  She felt nerves in a tight little bundle in her stomach and swallowed.  I'm really glad to see you too, she said, her voice a little thicker than she meant it to be.  

Just be honest.  She could do this, it was fine.  She just savored his closeness for a second first, then took a breath.  I actually wanted to ask you something.  Maia began, mostly so she couldn't chicken out.  She wasn't sure exactly how she wanted to word it, so what came next was definitely going to be trademark word salad.

I know you love it here, but I can't do this really anymore.  I mean, I can, if we have to! But I feel like... I really don't want to do this anymore.  I want you around all the time, not just when we can visit.  And I'm not asking in, like, an 'agree or we're over' way!  Just in a 'I miss you and I really want to live together' way.  The last thing she wanted to do was make him feel bad or feel like he had to say yes.  She was essentially asking him to leave his favorite thing in the world behind for her and nothing about that felt good.  But she loved her packmates, and her sister, and they had trusted her enough to make her a leader.  She couldn't leave them behind without asking first

I need you,  she added, a little quieter.  She fell quiet after that, watching for his reaction to the news and ready to try and de-escalate if it set off any panic bells.

It had been a rough few days.

He'd found out that Towhee was pregnant and hadn't even told him of her plans to get pregnant. He'd been caring for Towhee when she been unwell, though thankfully that had passed.

He'd found out Niamh was pregnant and in a bad mood. That Reyes had attacked Niamh. But there was more to it, he felt. It just wasn't right. The way Niamh had snapped at him for asking her to be more careful while pregnant, had merely asked what had caused the fight...

It didn't sit right with him. To see Maia and get a little break from keeping Niamh comfortable and warm until Phox returns was a sight for sore eyes, for sure. He felt tired and like he was running on empty.

There was something different about her that day. She was nervous and she spoke differently, with more meaning, when she said she was glad to see him too.

Then she said it. A lot of it. But the first sentence was the most important, because it spoke of her expectations:
I know you really love it here, but...
That meant that 'here' wasn't a possibility, not for her. He'd always thought that she would learn to love the Caldera. That Wraen settled nearby so they could still see each other.

So their children could grow up in the Blackthorn den.

No matter how open ended she left things, he knew the expectations uttered with this first few words.

He wasn't sure he wanted this anymore, either.
He'd often thought about how he wanted her around all the time, too.
He'd even thought of moving.

But he'd never thought of Maia asking him to move.

He'd always thought that.. maybe, one of them would get tired first. And that person would decide to move. Or maybe, they'd decide together. Talk about it. Talk about where.

It might not have been an ultimatum or a demand, but Eljay felt the pressure of those words. He felt how much it meant, and how much it meant what he'd reply. And he was in no state to handle any more being relied on, having to make decisions, being needed.

He was torn and a part of him, the same part that was hurt by Towhee and Niamh's lack of trust in him, wanted to just say okay and go with. Another part of him was not ready, wanted to ask her to come here instead.

And a big part of him just wanted to crumble down and cry, because there was just so much pressure and he felt like he would burst. That his knees would buckle under the pressure he was under.

I need you too, he said solemnly after a long silence. I... I want that too. To be with you more. But I -- He sighed, a frown on his face. I'm sorry, a lot is going on, it's -- I need some time to.. to think about that. It was then that the worn tiredness on his face truly showed, the cracks in the happiness that Maia had caused a man that was already running on empty.

He'd put his feelings on hold for the grand scheme of things for Niamh, because she was hurt; could he do the same for Maia, because she needed him?

It felt really good to put it out there.  She tried so hard not to get her hopes up, but she couldn't help waiting with bated breath as she studied him.  What she saw didn't encourage her, and she immediately regretted saying anything at all.  Not because she didn't want to know, and not because she didn't mean it.  She'd been prepared for a lot of outcomes, but she hadn't been prepared for how tired the question made him look.

It was really hard for her to quell her first instinct, which was to take it personally.  It was so hard to keep things in perspective when, to her, having him around would solve problems rather than create them.  She didn't want to be a burden or a point of stress for him, ever, and she suddenly was stuck wondering if that's what she had become.  Was he moving the opposite way?  Was he... thinking of breaking things off?  She felt a flutter of panic in her chest, but she kept a tight lid on it.  

Yeah, okay.  She responded quietly.  She'd already dropped enough on him, and she felt guilty enough about it that she bit down hard on all those impulsive emotions and smashed them flat.  She could deal with them when she left, because right now, all she wanted to do was walk this back so that she could bring back that smile he'd had earlier.  We can talk about it later.  Don't worry about it.  She smiled, hoping heavily that he'd actually feel okay letting it go.  She should have asked him how he was, and noticed it was a bad time, before she asked.  C'mon, Maia.

Do you need help with anything?  Or... do you want me to go?  Oh jeeze.  Panic again, closing her throat.  She swallowed, getting it under control, and looked at him with eyes full of concern.  If he wanted her to go, that was okay.  She'd be okay.

He knew right away that he'd done wrong when he saw Maia's face. She didn't even respond to him returning that he needed her and that he did want to live with her, too. It was just.. a lot, for her to show up at the worst possible time and then not just ask her for a solution for their communal problem, but to ask him to move to her. In that question there was the suggestion that she didn't want to move here. Perhaps she hadn't forced him in any way, but she did share a feeling he had too — that he said he had, too — but that he had wanted to talk about... rather than have the solution put on his shoulders.

Normally it would already be a lot to bear and a lot to think on and decide. He'd often thought to run off to Maia in the Copse, but now that he lived in Redhawk Caldera again, and dreamed of raising children at the Blackthorn den, it was all different. It wasn't that he didn't consider at all to move to the Fen. He'd thought on it, and he'd considered it; especially recently, while he wasn't told about a lot of things going on in this pack. Even though the Caldera was his home, he still sometimes felt as if he was the child who was too dumb to tell about what was going on inside of it. As if he was the boy teased by Nightjar, not part of the 'inner circle' of Towhee, Phox and Niamh. He knew it wasn't all like that, but that was the feeling it gave him, and he hated it.

But he also didn't want to be put in front of such a choice without even discussing it. It made him feel, to some degree, the same way that Niamh and Towhee had made him feel when they told everyone except him about their pregnancies. As if his feelings didn't really matter. As if Maia's happiness and the pair of them living together in one pack was just another responsibility put solely on his shoulders, just like the wellbeing of everyone in Redhawk Caldera.

He knew it wasn't all like that, just like how he knew that it wasn't all like that with Towhee and Niamh. But the feeling still clung to his soul, wrenching his gut.

And even though he wanted to share his feelings to some degree, when he saw that Maia was upset, he just couldn't. Instead, Eljay put aside his own feelings again, and he frowned and said, No, no, I... I said I wanted it too, right? I... He swallowed thickly. He wasn't sure how to fix it, other than giving up a part of him without thinking about it. Are you sad now? Of course I don't want you to go. I'm so sorry! I... I don't want to make you sad. I want the opposite of that. He wasn't sure how to fix it though, not without just saying yes and doing whatever she wanted him to do. And he just wasn't sure if he could without losing himself.

He didn't let it go, and he apologized, which made it ten times worse.  He had nothing to apologize for, and hearing him do it made her feel awful.  If he was going through something here, she had no right to come and drop all of her problems on him and expect him to fix it.  She'd thought she was doing the right thing, and being honest, but no.  The voice had been right; she was being selfish, and she was an idiot for ignoring it.

No!   Her knee jerk reaction was to lie, enthusiastically and firmly, almost without even realizing it. But she was sad, and she recognized it immediately after when, inexplicably, she felt for some reason like she was going to cry.

I mean...  just, don't apologize.  I should have asked how things were going, and instead I just kind of went for it.  That was stupid.  I'm sorry, I just....  she trailed off and inhaled, still not looking directly at him.  She'd fought for weeks with the idea of it, figured that this was what a "responsible" wolf would do, and of course she'd bungled it.  Just like Maia bungled everything, because she wasn't responsible.  You can't do anything right.

If stuff is bad here, I don't want you worrying about any of that.  Forget I said anything.  She finished finally, and she was glad to hear that at least her voice sounded sure.  She was going to be okay. Her feelings really didn't matter.

It would've taken a serious amount of confident 'no' to convince Eljay that she wasn't sad, and she wasn't really succeeding. That was okay; he would rather know that she was sad than have her hide it away, anyway. The worried frown remained on his face as she told him not to apologise and explained she should've maybe asked how things were. She then apologised herself — Eljay repressed the urge to tell her not to apologise, either — and Eljay wasn't really sure what to do.

He just wanted what was best for her, but also what was best for him. He realised that he had all this time been hoping that those two things would magically overlap. Maia had said she liked the Caldera, so he had hoped that she'd come around and decide to move here. Now, though, it was abundantly clear that he'd been living in a dream land.

No, just — It's... It's a lot, and I... I get that you — I mean, I want the same, except with his own home, I do! But it's just... It's a lot. Stuff being bad didn't help. He might've been a bit more eloquent about it if he hadn't been so tired, at least, but it wouldn't have taken away the panic.

Honestly, thinking about how annoyed he had been with Towhee and Niamh, Eljay found himself a little confused why it was still a lot. He wanted to be more appreciated, and she appreciated him. But he couldn't feel like having this responsibility thrust upon his shoulders alone. As if it was his responsibility for them to live together, and Maia didn't like that they didn't yet, and that meant that he should fix it.

Pressure had never done well to Eljay. You... You understand that, don't you? It's not like deciding what to hunt for dinner, it's... A lot. A lot to ask, and he didn't mind that she asked.

But it just didn't feel as though she was asking... It felt as if she was telling.

Maybe not telling him to do it, but she was saying,

It's either living in my pack or forever apart.

And he didn't like the thought that it had somewhere along the lines stopped being a collaboration. He felt pressured and he felt like there was only one decision, but that it was impossible for him to make.

Somehow he managed to keep himself together and not panic, but his brain felt like it would burst under this impossible amount of pressure.

The guilt seeping through the cracks didn't help, telling him and whispering that he should just do it. It was his responsibility, after all. And who was he even? He should count himself lucky, he should be thanking her on his knees for putting up with him — what kind of idiot was he, to almost throw away something as beautiful as this over his own feelings and fears! It was as if he snapped awake all of a sudden and looked at the situation from an eagle's view.

He looked up at Maia. Okay, he said after a long, pregnant pause in which the cogs in his brains whirred. I need to arrange stuff here. I... I have to figure it out, figure out when and... but I'll — yeah, I'll do it.

Except he didn't sound happy at all; rather as if he had lost something, just then.

He kept impressing in her how big the decision was, and she felt herself start to burn with embarrassment and withheld tears.  She did get it.  She understood how hard this was, how awful it was she'd just dropped it like a rock on his head, and how badly she wanted to sink into the ground and just.. disappear.  She didn't trust herself to respond.

She wasn't angry with him, she was angry at herself, and she didn't want to take that out on him right now.

But then he flipped it completely.  He agreed, without any warning and without any enthusiasm.  Maia was shocked into looking up at him, silent for a beat.  This wasn't what she wanted... in fact, this had been the absolute worst possible outcome.  Her biggest fear was that he'd say yes despite not wanting to live with her, but she hadn't considered that her request would be seen as anything but an invitation to a conversation she wanted to have with him.  She wanted him to come with her simply because he hadn't asked her to come with him... and because she wanted him to know how important he was to her.

And because a small, selfish part of her loved where she was.

But now he was saying yes without meaning it, and she felt her stomach clench as tears welled up.  She tried to fight them down, but she was only partly successful.  No.  If you don't want to, then just... I'm sorry!  I don't know what I'm doing, but if you move there and hate me for it, I can't do that.  Just.... forget it.  She was crying more.  It doesn't matter.  I ruined it by asking.  Why am I such an idiot!?

Full on panic.  She needed to get out of there, because she didn't know how to put the brakes on this now. Trying kept making it worse.  I'll just... come back.  She took a step back, avoiding if he made any move to comfort her.  That'd just make it harder, and this wasn't how she'd wanted any of this to go.  If he didn't stop her quick, she was in full flight mode, and a moment would see her whirling and taking off back towards the fen.

Eljay hoped that his agreement would quench the sadness he saw reflected in Maia's eyes, make her feel better. But instead of making her feel better, he saw the unmistakable signs of tears as she said that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to do it.

His eyes mirrored her panic now and Eljay felt like a total idiot himself. No, you're not! I -- I don't get it, I thought this was what you wanted! He felt a thick lump in his throat as he said the words, feeling a lot like crying himself, too, but just about holding himself together.

Maia made to leave, taking a step back. NO! Eljay shouted, louder than he intended as panic gripped his voice and he took a step forward. Please don't leave! P-please just... What do you want me to do or say? He just wanted Maia to be happy, now, and found himself terrified that she would run away and leave him. He deserved that, after all. She was finally seeing that he wasn't good enough -- that she deserved better -- and now he was afraid she would run and never look back.

There was too much.  There were times when her self-consciousness switched to loathing, and this was one of those times. It twisted in her, telling her she wasn't worth this, that she shouldn't try, that she didn't have the right to any of this.  If she'd known how similar his own thoughts were, maybe she could have related.  Instead she felt completely insane, sobbing over something absolutely stupid, something she'd caused in the first place. And forcing him to chase her, because of course he'd try and make her stay.  She just kept making it worse and worse and worse.

For a second, she really did almost take off, even with his yell.  She teetered... and then sat down heavily, slumped shoulders shaking as she tried to contain her sobs.  You never should have thought you could be a leader anyway.  It was a moment before she could speak.  

I just wanted to know what you wanted. I just wanted you to know that I wanted you, way more than space or anything else.  Instead she'd just made him feel more pressure on top of what he was already dealing with.  She looked at him, sure she looked like a complete hot mess right now, and tucked a little more into herself.  She was at least getting her breathing under control now.  I promise, we can just forget it.

It felt as though everything was falling out on his hands and onto the ground, broken forever. Eljay's eyes shimmered with helplessness and hurt as he looked at Maia. The desperation that had been in his voice showed in her expression, too. He wanted so badly to physically grab her and draw her close and hug her, but it was clear from her body language that that was the last thing she wanted. He was afraid that she might bolt away if he would approach her now.

If only she would've had the words or actions that he could do to make her feel better again. Eljay wished that he knew precisely what to do, but he didn't. He and Wiffle had never fought or.. whatever this was; their time together as an actual couple had been so incredibly brief and that was part of why it had taken him so long to get over losing her. Eljay had never in his life been in something like this, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

The only thing that he knew above all else was that he wanted to make her happy, and he was failing horribly at it.

I don't want to forget about it, Eljay said, his eyes shining with yet uncried tears. I just want you to be happy, more than anything in the world. I'm terrified of losing you because I'm not good enough. I — I just wish I knew how to do that. Eljay looked at her with pleading eyes as she sat there, slumped down. It was hard to resist approaching her, but Eljay was still afraid that she would leave if he got too close now.

I don't want to forget about it. Then where did that leave them?  Because he wouldn't drop it, but he also didn't want to talk about it right now, so what did he expect her to do?!  She didn't have anything to say to make it any better either, and she was too upset to consider asking the questions she'd need to to try.

All she'd wanted to do was be honest with him, but instead she'd messed everything up.  Explaining that didn't help.  She couldn't be happy unless he was, and apparently, that meant neither of them would be.  She felt more tears clawing at her throat and choked them down.

You said that there was a lot right now.  Just... do what you need to.  I'm happy if you are, and I'm.... it's not important. 

She obviously couldn't help him, couldn't do anything but make him sad right now.  He didn't need that.  Feeling leaden, Maia got numbly to her feet and turned, walking back towards Brecheliant.  She clearly needed to re-evaluate a lot of things... and the first of those was her position as leader, because if she couldn't even do this, there was no way she was going to make anything but a mess out of that.  She'd failed this test miserably.

It felt as if she wouldn't listen to what he was actually saying. He just wanted to make her happy, and he did want to move for her, but he was already at wit's end with everything that was going on in Redhawk Caldera. It felt like his shoulders weren't broad enough to carry the extra responsibility of having to move right now, even though he wanted to. And where he'd felt as if his feelings did not matter at all before, right now he felt like he was a fool for hanging on to those feelings at all. Eljay so badly wanted to turn back time and just excitedly agree with her, now. Now he was losing her, he knew it the moment she got to her feet. He was so afraid of precisely this — of her turning away and never looking back — and when she got to her feet again everything inside of Eljay screamed.

Maia, no! he cried out, his voice laced with desperation while tears fogged up his eyes. Please don't leave! He stepped forward, though he knew he couldn't follow her if she ran off; his anxiety had been full throttle since the Moonspear incident and besides, he had wolves to take care of in Redhawk Caldera. But most of all, if she ran off, what use was there to follow her? If she actively didn't want to be with him, he'd be an idiot to chase after her.

The desperation in his voice cut through her like a knife.  There was no reality in which Maia could ever keep walking away when someone called out to her like that. She didn't have the strength to pretend to be that cold.

But at this point she was emotionally exhausted and bordering on frustration.  She couldn't leave without hurting him, couldn't stay without hurting him, couldn't ask for an answer but couldn't leave unhappy.  She couldn't be what he needed her to be, and when she stopped rigid, some of that frustration leaked into her voice.  Maia couldn't help it.

Eljay, I can't.  I'll come back.  I wish I could just go back and not ask, but I can't, so this is the best I can do.  I'm sorry, I just keep making this worse.  I need to go.  They couldn't resolve this if they couldn't talk about it and he had already asked not to.

Just let me go, please.. She was close to begging him, and distress and desperation were both clear in her expression as she turned her head to look at him, still angled to escape back to Brecheliant.  

In Maia's mind, the moment she was gone, things would get better for him.  She was the source of his current distress, so if she left, he could handle what he needed to and she could choke down her own feelings in the meantime.

Even though she said she would come back, Eljay heard the frustration in her voice. She was tired, just as tired as he was from all the things at Redhawk Caldera. Except she wasn't tired of other things that influenced how she reacted to him. She'd come here giddy and excited. He was the one who was already tired from everything. But she... She was tired because of this.

Because of him.

Eljay cast his gaze down as she pleaded him to be allowed to leave. Okay, he murmured, feeling as if he was some evil person who was keeping her here against her will as she pleaded with him. I'll see you later. Eljay's voice betrayed how sad he was. It quivered as the words came out and he stood there and looked up at her. He was silent now as he looked at her, all but verbally begging her to stay -- or at least not to go. His eyes glistened with sadness while he waited for the inevitable, because it was clear that she had had enough of him right now.

If Maia was more reasonable, she'd have realized she could stay and they could move forward with the visit.  She could have gotten his mind off of things, made him laugh, and in another world, this could have turned things around for the better.  But in this world, she was so focused on all of the things she was convinced she did wrong, and so wrapped up in her own self-destruction, that she didn't even consider the alternative.  Her only thought was this is my fault and the only obvious response was to remove herself from the situation.

In a few days, she'd have even more reason to hate herself, as the ideas of all of the things she could have done finally came to mind.  She had more than enough right now regardless.

Yeah,  she answered, her voice raw.  What had started out as a trip to clarify and simplify things just turned everything into even more of a tangled mess.  She needed time too in order to sort through it, what this meant and how she was going to cope.  Most of all, she needed to figure out what the heck she was going to do, because bringing this up at any point in the future felt impossible now.

He'd almost said yes just to make her happy.  How could she trust he wouldn't do it again, only next time more convincingly?  She couldn't.  So asking again was out of the question.

Which put the decision in her court, because there was only one alternative.

Without saying anything more, Maia kept going.  She didn't make it far before the tears started again, but she continued to walk as she cried, feeling the weight of all of this crushing down on her.  How had she ever thought this was going to end up with both of them getting what they wanted?  More importantly.... how had she let herself get so attached to where she was when she knew, in her heart, it couldn't last?

As she walked away from the pack, Eljay couldn't help but feel as if she walking out of his life. He knew it couldn't be true, because she'd said she would come back later. She said that she just needed a little bit of space. Eljay knew somewhere deep down that that meant that she'd be back; that Maia told the truth there, as she always did.

Still, when she left his heart could not help but shatter into a million pieces. He'd hoped so hard that she would turn around and come back, that she'd realise how much it hurt him that she left, but instead she kept going. Eljay felt the tears finally spill over and he sobbed as he stood and watched her walk away. He had to hold onto every rational thought he had to convince himself that this wouldn't be the last time he saw her. Still, he was hurting and everything felt so broken right now.

With a few choked sobs he turned around towards Redhawk Caldera territory. His throat tightened and his breathing came out in ragged shakes. The familiar signs of a panic attack were not lost on him but the caretaker knew that he couldn't just turn his back on his pack mates. Niamh's leg was hurt and Towhee had just had a miscarriage and who even knew what the current status is with Reyes? A lot was going on and he had to be there for them.

On his way back Eljay had to stop and sit down, allow himself to cry while he tried to get his breathing under control because his head was light from all the stress, lack of sleep and hyperventilated breathing. Get it together Eljay, they need you, he told himself and blinked away the tears. Then he went on his way again, back to the rest of the pack to help them deal with their messes, and leaving his own in the fridge for now.